I think I’m depressed. I’ve lost motivation to do anything. I don’t even want to have sex. I just feel like anything I do never works. I can’t YouTube properly, I can’t start a business properly, I can’t be busy properly, I can’t go to the gym properly, I can’t get a new job properly, I can’t have sex properly. I know this is self-defeatist behaviour but sometimes it’s how I feel. Especially yesterday. I feel better today, I spoke with Telis. He made me feel better.
I probably do put a lot of pressure on myself and don’t take time out to celebrate my little success, which I definitely should do, but I feel like I haven’t progressed in any way. But whatever, maybe my craft should remain a hobby, and so should YouTube. Maybe I shouldn’t try and be a fashion designer, maybe I have been forcing that stance because fashion design is the only thing I have right now. Maybe I just need a new focus that works for me.
So after much talk with Telis, I’m thinking events organising. It’s the only thing I’ve consistently done throughout my adult life and consistently never gotten bored of. At university I used to host gatherings and lots of people would turn up and we’d have an amazing time. It was my thing and it became something that I was known for. Now, I run a sci-fi and fantasy meet up and I love it! I love hosting people and interacting with them and seeing them interact with others – it’s just so me. So I’m going to brainstorm the sort of event’s organising I can do. I’m not thinking big parties, I want something more useful and niche.
So, here goes nothing!
Also, after dropping my laptop and watching it die in front of me, I ordered and installed a new hard drive. Well actually it’s a solid state hybrid and it works amazing! My laptop feels like a brand new system, I’m happy. It’s been going six years strong. Here’s to another six years! But while my laptop is flourishing, my phone is completely dying. The battery literally drops from around 70% to 0% in about 1 minute. Once it hits 38% is just dies. I suspect it’s the new screen that I got fitted drawing too much power. Whatever it is, I need a new phone.
I’ve reattached the elastic to my wig and it fits well and looks amazing! No more messing with adhesives to keep it suck down. I feel much more comfortable with the elastic band.
I’ve been feeling weird in my relationship. I have this thing where I feel like I’m on the outside looking into my own life. I never fully feel like Telis is mine and so I experiences feel like something I’m witnessing as opposed to participating in. It’s probably to do with my anxiety. I’m still trying to run away from the relationship and I don’t know why. Things feel amazing, but to me it just seems too good to be true and I want to escape before shit hits the fan. I already think that I’m going to mess things up. That what I’m feeling isn’t real and one day I’ll suddenly start feeling negative emotions about the relationship or just feel nothing for Telis. It’s my fear. That I won’t ever be happy in a relationship. I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ll work on it, I guess.