Cymricland tomorrow! Exciting stuff!
Also Tank agreed on going out for a facial together. Something that Igor refused to do even though it was to be in the privacy of his own room – so I had to do it alone. Guys are different from guys. You can’t paint them all with the same brush. Some just aren’t worth shit though.
I’m very grateful to have Tank in my life. He probably doesn’t understand how much it means to me to have a friend in my life. I have never been good with group dynamics and have often felt like I’m on the outside with nowhere to really call my own. But I actually feel grounded again. That there’s at least one person in this world who understands me and accepts me for who I am. It’s a nice feeling.
I’m going out with the Italian today. Since I rejected his swim and dine idea, I guess we have to figure out what to do. But the weather is so nice today, I’d be happy to just sit in a park and chat. I do need to find a time to tell him I’m not interested in him. Every guy I meet wants me, except for that guy behind the bar from the comedy show who I basically fell in like with. He doesn’t want me… But I bet he secretly does.
My head feels a lot less cluttered than yesterday. I could see where my thoughts were heading and I wasn’t ready to emotionally spiral. I had to say, ‘anxiety! Be gone!’ and after some meditative mindfulness, I gained the clarity I needed. My thoughts stopped in their tracks and I could think straight.
* * *
All I want to do is hear his voice. Just to remember. They say the voice is the first thing you forget about someone. I don’t want to forget his voice.
Maybe I should call him?
I can’t.
I shouldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts because they always somehow end up on him. Anyway, I met up with the Italian. I told him that I just want to be single in my adult life that a relationship isn’t something I want right now. Ok forget him for a second. I’m justing thinking… Will anyone ever care for me the way Jomi did? He partook in my nonsense and had fun with it. Will anyone ever involve themselves in my spontaneity and hyperactivity? Will they be so willing to indulge me in my childish behaviours? Will anyone do that for me? I’m not so sure. How do I find someone like that?
I was just looking through old videos of me and my ex trying to find something with his voice in it. And when I heard it, it made my heart do funny things. I know the friendship we shared was special, but it wasn’t enough to sustain us in the long run. But I wouldn’t mind having that again.
Do you think I’ll ever meet someone like that? I wish so. The fact that all the people I meet don’t even show a snippet of tolerability makes me wonder if I’ll ever meet someone who’ll take me as I am and run with it wholeheartedly. I just need someone to return the weirdness. I can’t be the only weird person in the relationship. So how do I find this person? Maybe Jomi is that person?
What if I end up in a boring relationship where I feel stifled? I’m not sad and I’m not crying. I’m just wondering, that’s all…
No matter how ecstatic I am about mine and Tank’s friendship, it’ll never meet up to what Jomi and I were. But it’s something. More than I’ve gotten in a long time. So I’ll take it.
I want to google if I’ll ever meet a person as weird as me. It’s what I need to maintain my crazy version of sanity.
* * *
I’m incompatible with everyone!