I borderline feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. Nothing feels real. I’m just floating and not really expecting my feet to ever touch the ground again.
I just can’t seem to make anything feel as if I’m living my actual life. I’m like a stranger in my own body functioning in autopilot and I’m losing control. I’m just watching each day go by. I don’t have a passion for anything. I barely feel like I’m in a relationship with the man I love. Everything just seems disconnected from me.
I keep getting haunted by the wrongs I may have done in past relationships. Am I a bad person? Did I have something that made me feel but then I ruined it? Maybe everything failing was my fault. Perhaps I just don’t have the ability to do anything right?
I’m in a relationship that makes me happy yet somehow I’m still not myself. I don’t think I can trust myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be happy in a fully functioning life again. I’ll forever be floating…
None of my decisions feel like my own.
I think I really am depressed.
And I don’t know why.
I feel suffocated by my inability to feel. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what caused it. I think I really am my happiest when single. I don’t want to blame it on relationships but I think there’s something that happens when I’m in one. I live in a constant state of anxiety. How do I face all the hurt and darkness I’ve suffered? The mistrust for myself and the craziness I’ve felt?
I’m haunted.
I’m haunted by feeling so low I’ve wanted to kill myself. I’m haunted by feeling so alone I’ve wanted to run away. Do I address the things and people that have made me feel that way?
Do I say to Igor how he made me feel less than and competely stripped away any confidence I had in myself? Do I tell him that he made me feel inadequate, like being myself wasn’t enough and my thoughts weren’t worth shit? Or perhaps I say instead that it was actually my fault. That I was a miserable motherfucker who just couldn’t be happy regardless of what was done for her?
I’m not even sad. I just feel detached. I want to feel like myself again. Like in living my life. And I’m feeling my emotions.
I love Telis so much. It would be nice to feel it too.