Hello, hello, hello!
Just here to sort through my thoughts and my hypothesises!
On Thursday, I had a (fucking painful) HyFoSy procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open. Well, the right side tube was, however, on the left side, the fluid was a bit slow passing through. They eventually managed to get spillage out the other end of the left tube and unblocked it, great news! Well, I wasn’t too pleased when they told me my tubes were open because that still didn’t explain why we couldn’t get pregnant.
But actually, thinking about it, what if my tubes had been blocked all this time and that’s why we couldn’t get pregnant?
Ok, so my right tube was open, so there should have been many opportunities from that side, considering I’ve hyperovulated a few times too. So now I’m running on the assumption that my right tube was probably somewhat blocked up too but whatever debris was in there was quicker to dislodge than my left side.
Now, I don’t want to be a negative Nancy but before we started trying to conceive, I just knew in my gut something was wrong. And that’s not me wishing bad on myself. It’s just how I felt, and my worst fears were realised. We didn’t get pregnant, at all. Not even a little bit.
Maybe a chemical pregnancy here, or a miscarriage there (not that that’s any better than not being able to get pregnant, in fact, it’s probably a whole lot worse) would show me that egg and sperm were meeting and something was happening, but I genuinely suspect that egg and sperm have never actually met and if they have, then implantation is failing somehow, but even with failed implantation, a positive pregnancy test is possible sometimes, even if it leads to a chemical pregnancy – same with low progesterone, which I suspect I have.
So, anyway, egg and sperm have probably never met and that can be down to two main things, blocked fallopian tubes, where the rendezvous occurs, or sperm issues – either the sperm can’t swim, there isn’t many of them or they can’t penetrate the egg. Telis’ most recent semen analysis was great! He had 120 million sperm total and I think about 25 million per ml. His motility percentage was somewhere in the 70s however, his morphology was at 3%, but, since the minimum acceptable value for morphology is 4% and he was at 4% in a prior semen analysis, I’m not too worried. His sperm can swim fast and he has good numbers.
So, about my gut feeling.
Have my fallopian tubes been the reason we can’t get pregnant? Were they blocked? Have they now been unblocked? If so, will we be able to conceive a child? I daren’t say it out of fear, but I believe so. I don’t know, I just feel like this is it. This was the reason and now it’s been fixed.
I know there’s a risk of me getting my hopes up and still not ending up pregnant, but I worry about unexplained fertility. Right now, I feel like we have somewhat of an explanation. I think I’d feel more hopeless if my tubes were perfectly open during the HyFoSy and the liquid just shot through, because the issue then wouldn’t be tubal and would probably stray into the realms of unexplained infertility.
I no longer feel infertile but maybe that’s just hope or wishful thinking speaking. I wish this cycle would just end already so that we could start trying again! Onto the 14th cycle of trying to conceive a child, let’s make it happen! I’m ready.
I don’t know. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson? I just feel like I must have done something wrong and so need to be taught a lesson. Something seemingly easy as flushing your tubes? Or am I being taunted? I let go of control over my life and my future so long ago. I know things don’t work out as planned, and I learned that the hard way. Or perhaps it just wasn’t the right time for me? I mean, can the universe see something in my future that I can’t? As I don’t understand what would be the difference between me conceiving six months ago and now. I don’t know, I just want this baby.
This has to be it, I can’t think of anything else that can be wrong with me. Please let this be it, I’m begging.