I can’t say I’m not feeling a bit anxious. Do I really want to go through this again? I mean, I’d rather not, but I don’t really have a choice.
How much disappointment and pain will I face this year?
My period started yesterday so my first appointment is tomorrow. I’ll be having bloods taken to see if this is a good cycle to start. I can’t imagine that my results would be weird or anything so I definitely expect this cycle to be a go.
I just have all these uncertainties running round in my head, like, will I be stimulated enough? Will I be stimulated too much? Will we get too little eggs? Will we create subpar embryos? Will the embryos implant? Will I miscarry again? I almost don’t want to find out. I just don’t want the same mistakes to be repeated. I want to be certain that increasing my dosage will be enough. Or that transferring two will be enough. Or that doing IVF in the first place will be enough.
My little Oyster. What could have been…
I’ve been thinking about the day that I found out I lost him. The sadness that ripped though me. The despair I feel for my past self. It’s gut-wrenching and heart breaking. I lost my baby. My baby boy (or girl) that would be in my arms right now. One month old and surrounded by so much love. And yet, here I am, arms empty, trying to make another baby. I wonder who he would look like. Well, I think I know, because I met him in a dream. But I would have liked to meet him in real life too.
I can’t believe he said goodbye. I felt so much overwhelming loss once I awoke from that dream not knowing I’d truly lost my baby. I don’t know if we’ll meet again but I hope wherever his spirit is, that he knows I’m thinking of him and I’ll never forget him.
Now this journey begins again. The pursuit of a child. Wish me luck!