Journal. I’m scared.
I woke up three hours after going to bed with my heart pounding. I felt sick to my stomach, it just hasn’t settled since my whole throwing up escapade.
I never knew how involving myself with guys would affect me so adversely. I never knew my anxiety would get triggered so bad. I’m so scared. I felt like I was on the edge of a panic attack when I woke up. I just can’t fathom the prospect of me in a relationship. I’m cautious. I’m not allowing myself to form an opinion on him in case I get it wrong and he too ends up all wrong for me.
I want to indulge in the romanticism of it. I want to take yesterday and view it through rose-tinted glasses, but I’m scared. My poor little heart. This is why I want to avoid relationships. The anxiety gets too much and I don’t want to deal with it. Especially when it pertains to me not trusting myself with feelings and decisions. I don’t want to be afraid of my own self.
All I want to do right now is cry and throw up some more. See what relationships do to me? I can’t do it. I don’t have the emotional energy to go through all of that constantly. This is one date and I’m already not sleeping, my heart races and I feel sick.
Fuck this.
* * *
I said I was going to write about yesterday’s antics but I can’t be bothered. I’m not emotionally ready for anything with anyone, so tomorrow, if we meet, I’ll be rejecting him. I’ll be honest. I can’t be so terrified and so mentally affected by dating that it leaves me sleepless and sick to my stomach. I truly am not ready.
* * *
Is this how I’m always going to feel when any guy comes into my life? This is terrible. I’m in two minds about extending my singleness from a year to forever. I hate feeling anxious. My emotions just haven’t been at rest for the past year. A whole year of anxiety. Now I need a year of rest. I’ve had enough. Really, enough is enough.
I can’t believe how my social anxiety has gone from basically non-existent to borderline debilitating. I just worry so much. And it all started from before Jomi and I broke up. I was in such a bad way and never in my life had I ever found myself in such dark places for an extended amount of time as that. I hate this. I’m not at peace with myself. I’m losing confidence in my own grip on reality. I’m doubting myself and questioning my decisions. It’s horrible. I want an out.
I think I really just need to find me again. My lack of confidence has eroded my sense of self. How do I fix this?
Anyway, today was a good day. I went to a foot specialist in CapitalCity to have my toenails looked at. Apparently my nail bed on my big toes have suffered some trauma so the nail grows away from the bed and causes some discolouration. Also my toenails are dry so the doctor gave me some moisturising varnish. But basically there’s nothing wrong with my toes.
After that I met up with Junior. It was so nice to see him. We talk all the time on the phone but rarely see each other so it was good to have a face to face conversation with my bro. Then I made an impromptu decision to visit my grandma because I was in the area. Unknown to me, my dad was also at her place, so I met him there and then we left for home together. Then I met up with another friend for dinner before making my way back to Deraland, where I am now on the train contemplating my life.
* * *
My friend whom I had dinner with said I should write a list of qualities I want my future husband to have. I think I shall do that. But not now. I’m sleepy. But I do know what I’m going to say to the guy from yesterday. I’ll tell him that I’m not emotionally ready to invest myself in someone right now. I need to work on myself and emotionally, I’m not where I want to be. I don’t know if I should divulge how anxious I’ve been. I probably won’t.
And if I’m honest, this is the right thing to do. It’s not every guy that I meet that I need to give a chance. Yes, we got along, the conversation was easy, in fact we had way too much in common, but I’m just not feeling it. Whether it’s him or it’s me, something’s missing from me emotionally and so I’m not going to further risk my emotions to find out.
I guess having spent an evening with him will allow me to see that my kind of people do exist and I needn’t fear that I’ll never meet someone on my level.
In other news, I keep having this recurring daydream/fantasy that Cymric shows up to Deraland unannounced to surprise me. If only…