I really need to stop overthinking things, especially when my expectations are not met. I just end up depressing myself and then that escalates and I get emotionally manic.
Sleeping with Igor wasn’t how I imagined it would be in my mind. I think I expected way too much and because I did want things to be perfect the first time, the fact that it fell short of that perfection immediately made me feel like a failure.
I’m not a perfectionist, but this was important to me. I like him and so I wanted to put my best self forward. Instead, I fucked him, got ridiculously emotional and was basically inconsolable, so much so that the poor guy probably thought it was somehow his fault.
When I get stuck in my head the best thing for me to do is sleep it off or else my emotions will drive me to do or say something crazy and a basic scenario would escalate into something unrecognisable. Fortunately, before I damaged the beautiful relationship that was forming between Igor and me, I conked out. Thank God!
Igor is nice. Actually in that period where I was busy driving myself insane over the imperfect sex we had, I was re-deciding whether I liked him or not. Suddenly he wasn’t enough. The sex didn’t play out like how I’d rehearsed it internally; he wasn’t playing by my unwritten and unspoken script. Our relationship wasn’t going according to whatever plot I’d already somehow created for us. But I stopped myself in my tracks. I needed to behave.
I’ve never dated anyone before. Well I have. But I’ve never dated anyone I actually like. And by dating I mean, there was no prior friendship before pursuing something more. Igor is the first guy I’ve dated and liked. I don’t know at which point sex is meant to enter the whole equation and what it’s meant to make you feel.
I thought it would feel special… I guess I was wrong. I know I’m going to get told that it’s about having fun and I’ll probably look back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but right now, it’s not funny.
I’m just so stuck in my own head. I want to try again and unfail at our imperfect sex. Prove myself wrong. That I can have good sex.
For once…
Fuck.
Before, every time we kissed he’d leave me dripping, now it’s harder because I want to be wet so bad that it completely hampers the whole experience and I stay drier than the fucking driest thing to ever exist (which is now my vagina).
Ok his well endowed penis still went in but it should have slid in with no friction – and that was why it wasn’t perfect!
I’m fucking crazy.