I said I’d think about it, so I’m thinking about it.
He wants me to give him a chance. He wants me despite how anxious and unwilling I am feeling about everything.
We spent the day together. It was nice. At one point I felt myself liking him and my heart started racing and anxiety started fully setting in. I don’t want to do this.
I’m thinking about it. Of course I want love. But I remember how enamoured I was with Igor and yet I got it so, so wrong. I’m going to get it wrong again. I don’t want a boyfriend, I want him to leave me alone. I don’t want to be reminded of how shitty I am at being happy in relationships. I don’t want to be taken on another emotional rollercoaster. I just want to refrain from any emotional stress.
That aside, how do I feel about him?
I won’t lie. I do like him. And that’s where the fear comes from. I could be liking the wrong guy. But I like that we can hold deep conversations. Ones that flow naturally. I get major vaginal butterflies when he touches or kisses me – I know there will be passion there. He’s open and honest, like me, in fact, he’s apparently an ENFP like me (according to the personality test). And I consider him someone I’d be friends with. He’s very, very intelligent, which is always attractive. We have similar, in fact, not similar, the same interests, especially with books, which is beautiful to me.
I have an urge to be with him right now. I like his company. He’s nice. Let’s give him a name.
No let’s not cement him in my life just yet. He shall remain nameless.
I feel like I want to trust him. But I know I’ll be such a fool if I do and he turns out to be a dick. I am so reluctant.
I don’t want to keep thinking about it because I will overthink it. I don’t want to ask for opinions and be swayed by ones that aren’t mine. I want to come to this decision on my own.
He bought me a book.
He’s kind but I will not be swayed by that.
So despite how I feel, I don’t think I can do it.