Should I stay or should I go? I’ve been torn. So torn. I want to leave Telis. I’m really questioning my attraction to him. I want to say that looks and style don’t matter, but they do. I’m not so shallow that all I want is a muscular and modelesque beauty of a man, but physical attraction is still key.
I don’t want to change him but I kind of do. At least get rid of his horrible work shoes first. Burn them. Condemn them to hell, whatever. As long as they’re gone forever!
On another note, I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. Let’s hope I get one. I’m interested in contracting so that I can make lots of money and save lots of money and just be all round rich! Yay! I’ll save so much that I’ll be able to start my clothing line without a hitch. Exciting!
I have been stressing myself about what sort of jobs to apply for. I’ve applied for a presenter/producer role, a vetting role, a startup manager role, lots of engineering roles. Knowing what you want to be at 25 is hard. I don’t know how anyone can make that decision at 16. To make a single decision that will impact the rest of your life is something I’m struggling with. It sucks but at least now I don’t have to think about getting a house, that’s one thing off my plate.
I’ve resolved to getting over my overthinking, especially concerning Telis and my attraction to him. He makes me so happy and I don’t know why I want to ruin that. I have no issue with sex with him. He turns me on, I drip around him. So the sexual compatibility is there. If I wasn’t physically attracted to him, he wouldn’t turn me on at all, and the fact that he really does shows that I’m just looking for ways to push him away because, actually, I truly do like him.
I do like him. I do. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I run. The other day when I was drunk I told him ‘I L – O – K – E you’. Not like, not love. Loke. Which was my way of not saying love, because that’s exactly what I wanted to say. I don’t love him, but I know I do feel something. Right now, I’ve shut shit down and feel nothing. Nothingness is a safe space. And for some reason, I keep running back to it.
My relationship with Igor did this to me. It impacted me more in those terrible four months than my breakup with Jomi did. Oh well! I’ll get better, I guess.