I have a lot on my mind. There are many things that need to be said but articulating them all will take some days. I don’t like jumping around from topic to topic when journaling. Of course I want to really ruminate on life, love and happiness but sometimes just writing down the gibberish that comes straight into your mind and hoping for some coherency is best.
I’m a huge sentimentalist and on Saturday I took Igor out on that date I promised him. I wanted to do something that would mean a lot to him and since we’re both enamoured by the stars and space, naturally, I took him to a planetarium. It was a quaint little date. We went for dinner then travelled back to my place and watched “Me Before You” to add that extra touch of romance. Then I fucked him. To be honest, I’m over the whole Igor-fucking fiasco. Well I’m not, but I’m not torturing myself with it anymore. It’s just nice that he likes me enough to not be put off by my little emotional breakdown. I think he really puts me on this pedestal, which is nice. He appreciates me for who I am and that’s all I really want.
He’s an amazing guy and despite our differences we seem to be making it work as soon-to-be-exclusive lovers. And our differences aren’t just the traditional differences that every couple has to overcome, we have the extra added pressure of interracial, intercultural, intercontinental, interlanguage, interheight differences. Not only that but we work together. In the same office. On the same floor. Really, I haven’t thought about any of those “difficulties” (so to speak), I acknowledge that we’re from different parts of the world and English isn’t his first language, that we won’t necessarily always understand each other and our skin colour isn’t the same, but actually, this is less of a predicament for me than it will be for other people.
Yes, other people. Because we all secretly care what the general public think.
But is this really the day to speak of interracial love? I think not. However, I will definitely delve into this topic as things progress with Igor and I. Just know that I am very conscious of what people may or may not be thinking when they see us in public together but I’m used to it. Very used to it in fact, so it’s not something that bothers me at all.
Ok, ok, ok detour because this is important.
Mindfulness is something that I’m trying to practise. I’m too far into my own head when it comes to sex that I just never enjoy it as much as I could. And having one little sexual setback really does put a spanner in the works.
I get horny, ridiculously so. But when it comes to the real thing I just can’t let go. I want to enjoy it and I need to convince myself that I can enjoy it because I know I can. I’ve come a long way from where I used to be. Having the mindset that I was sexually broken and I didn’t work down there. It’s horrible. I’ve been reduced to tears over my apparent brokenness. But I do work and I love that I can now think about someone and have them turn me on all in my head. I just need that to translate to real life.
I’m here to convince myself further. To tell myself that I can have good sex, not just mentally but for real. Yes, things didn’t go as planned with Igor, but it wasn’t even that bad. There was definitely a peanut in my peanut hole which went it with almost minimal struggle. So I absolutely didn’t put the Sahara desert to shame. Up to a point it felt really good. Then it plateaued because well… I paid a visit to my brain. I decided to think about how fat I looked from his angle, whether I felt good for him and just other nonsense irrelevant to the moment before me.
Because I suck.
There’s a lot that I need to overcome and it will take some work and probably a lot of patience on his part. Most of the damage done to my psyche will need to be reversed and I’ll need to see myself as someone deserving of pleasure – rather than just the sole giver. But I promise myself, I will work hard on it, I will put myself first sexually and I will let go and let Igor.