I don’t really have much to say today but actually I’m thinking about death. Just had a quick stalk on Matthew’s Facebook page and saw the single heart breaking message his Aunt left him. I’m not even sure if he had many friends and that’s what sucks because he should have people pouring message after message on his wall but there’s nothing. Do people even know he’s dead? I mean, obviously his worth isn’t measured by who has or hasn’t written on his wall but it’s more about whether people actually know he’s gone.
If I died today, what would happen? How many people would my death impact? I know it’s not worth thinking about but really, how will my life be remembered when I’m gone?
Anyway, I thank God for my life and I pray for good health and a long life.
I want to talk about intuition. I know I keep saying Igor is my forever-person because my gut tells me so. But I’ve also had the complete opposite where my gut has told me someone is very wrong for me. Just as I think that it’s valid to know someone is the one based only on intuition, it’s just as ok to feel someone isn’t for you because your gut says so.
I was with my ex for over five years. I’m sure this is a line I’ve used over and over again. But yes, I was with him for five years. But why does this matter? Because for all those years, I knew he wasn’t for me. I knew he wasn’t my forever and yet I didn’t accept that what I was feeling was the truth. I loved this man. He was my best friend. We got along so well. He treated me like the princess I am and made me very happy. We shared some amazing times together and made great memories. And yet, despite all of this – he wasn’t for me. And I knew.
I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted this horrible feeling to go away. A feeling that told me that one day, everything we had would come to an end. I tried to justify it. I didn’t want to feel this anymore. And so I did everything for it to go away. I said we should get married. We should have kids. We should do something to take our relationship further. Literally anything. And yet, I knew in myself that I wasn’t ready for those things. I just didn’t want to lose my best friend. I wanted to feel like he was my forever.
But forever never came, I lost him and it wasn’t a surprise. I saw it coming five years ago. One, two, three, four years into our relationship, every year, I’d secretly confide in myself that I wouldn’t marry this guy. I wasn’t trying to confess bad into my life. I just knew it was the truth.
And I was right. I would have been very unhappy with him. I see this now. But all I wanted was to love him forever. Live my perfect life with my perfect man… my perfect man who wasn’t making me happy. But actually, he was a blessing. He came into my life when I needed him and left when he’d played his part. I regret nothing.
Now flip the script. Igor.
Intuition says forever-person. I say ok!
Ok!
I’m never ignoring my intuition again for such a long time. I’m too old to be wasting time and if intuition says no, then boy bye! If intuition says it’s you, best believe you’re not going anywhere.
Forget honeymoon period. Forget rose-tinted glasses. Forget wishful thinking. This is it. It is Igor. I just know.
And that’s all I have to say about that.