Here we go again.
Two days post transfer. I’ve got those implantation cramps so I know this one has worked as well. I’ll probably take a test on Tuesday or Wednesday just to confirm what I already know.
Although I just caught myself when typing out that last sentence as putting it out there could negate everything causing implantation to fail.
I’m trying not to think about it as I worry I’ll jinx myself. I’m trying not to think too far ahead, as again, I’ll jinx myself. I’ve found that anything I want too badly tends to not go accordingly. So if I imagine a future where I have a child, it might not ever happen for me. So although this pregnancy is underway, I shouldn’t say too much in case it ends prematurely.
I can’t say I’m feeling positive about it anyway. The first emotion I had was, this is a stranger, this isn’t the baby I was carrying before, I want that baby back. It just felt like a huge violation and invasion of Oyster’s space. I just have to get used to the fact that this is someone else. It’s not the baby I knew, but it still is my baby. Maybe I’ll have less expectations of the pregnancy, that way, I don’t get hurt.
I still don’t know how to proceed with the first trimester. Should we go for weekly scans? Should I turn away and not look at the ultrasound monitor? Should I tell the doctor not to tell me anything about the baby? I don’t know. I feel like my curiosity will win and I’ll get invested. But maybe not knowing will be better?
I can’t believe this is my reality. Where everyone else gets to enjoy every stage to the max of their ability and I’m sat worrying about how much investment is too much.
If we have another miscarriage…
It’s all just so sad.