I’ve decided I’m never going to find love. I’m not even comparing past loves with this blossoming and thorny rose that’s mine and Igor’s relationship but aren’t you meant to consistently like someone? Ok, fine, there are aspects to him that will annoy me. But this early on? I need a break from him. He smokes and that really frustrates me as I’m always waiting around for him, in the cold, to finish his cigarette. I thought I could overlook it, but he smells like smoke and I have to have his smoky breath in my face when he kisses me.
Actually I’m just tired of being with him all the time.
Fuck it, I’m telling him I want space. Like right now.
“We could probably spend less time with each other”. That’s polite enough right? Awaiting his reply.
“You want to?”
“Yes”.
“Okay no problem”.
Phew? Phew!
No! Tragedy not avoided.
He followed with, “Is there any problem?”
Yes there is dear Igor, yes there is.
But I just said, “No”.
Apparently I’m not convincing. Lol well who woulda thunk? It’s fine. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. I probably need to approach this with a clearer mind. But right now, all I need is my space.
I’m going to be honest with him about the smoking. Life is too short to be beating around the bush and wasting time.
I’ve relayed my disdain towards his habit and he was nice enough about it and said he would stop smoking around me. But the fact of the matter is that he’s still going to be a smoker.
But whatever. I think I just want to be alone.
– – – – – Few hours later – – – – –
There’s clearly something bothering me so I’m just going to write it out so that whatever I’m feeling can get processed and then disperse. Today, I confided in Igor about one of my insecurities and I don’t know, maybe bringing it up took me back to those feelings of sadness and anger.
It always comes back to me feeling worthless, like I’m not enough, like I don’t deserve shit. I feel bad that I don’t feel good about myself and I’m a bit annoyed that these negative viewpoints were allowed to fester and grow. And this is one thing I just haven’t forgiven my ex for. I’ve accepted many things and forgiven more, but this, causing me to dislike myself, I just can’t. I can’t do it. When I think about it I get so angry. I’m angry and I’m hurt. It’s a wound that just won’t heal and it’s all his fault.
Why did I deserve to feel like I was broken, like there was something wrong with me? Why did he allow me to blame myself when it was him! I can’t forgive him. He took away so much from me. He deprived me of myself. And it’s not fair.
I’m not butt hurt over the breakup. It was the right thing for us. I’ve forgiven him all his trespasses and whatnot but because of him, I’ve just never been able to feel like I deserve sexual pleasure. I don’t even want to talk about it. Actually writing it down is pushing me closer to tears by the letter. But there, I said it, I don’t deserve sexual pleasure.
I’d been with him since I was 19 and we broke up a few months before me turning 25. So I’ve only ever known sex with him. But now I realise that what we had was never how it was meant to be. With him I’d never felt wanted. There was always this disconnect and I blamed myself for it. He could never turn me on and as a result I never got wet. I blamed myself for this. I felt like I was sexually broken. I hated that sex wasn’t something that worked for me. And so I cried. Many times I cried. I didn’t deserve sex. I became the giver – I didn’t need him to pleasure me. Even if he tried, I wouldn’t work. I was broken.
We lacked in intimacy. He didn’t know how to want me. And I knew. I always knew. Something wasn’t right here. He could never just open himself to me and that translated to me feeling all types of ways about myself.
Then I found out about his porn addiction and it all made sense. The emotional disconnect. His inability to maintain an erection, which I obviously blamed myself for. Actually, I tried so hard to make sex great for him. I found new ways to make things exciting. All for him! Always for him! All the time for him!! It was never for me. Nothing was ever for me, because I wasn’t deserving was I? Why wasn’t I allowed to just feel wanted? Why couldn’t he just look at me and see the most amazing girl in the world? Why did I have to try so hard while getting nothing back in return? It hurts! I’m hurt.
And he let me blame myself. He knew how I felt about myself and allowed me to think I was broken. I can’t forgive that. It’s horrible! I’m almost 25 and I’ve barely experienced good sex!
I hate blaming him because it takes two, but with this one I can’t shoulder any of the blame. I want to justify it because he’s a very good guy and his actions were not intentional but I can’t let it go because I’m now sexually deficient and I hate it!
And obviously pushing Igor away isn’t the way to go about it. I’m just chafing at the fact that he knows I’m damaged and I want to run away. Heck, he should run away!
Vulnerability is so hard. It’s definitely easier for me to push Igor away than have him perceive me as less than perfect.
At least I’ve been able to identify the problem but perhaps really I’m not cut out for love.
– – – – – Few hours later again – – – – –
It’s these times when you’re in your deepest insecurity that you wish for some familiarity. I just need someone to give me a big hug and tell me it’s ok. That I’m ok.
Fuck Igor. If you’re gonna act like a little bitch after I apologised and bared my fucking soul to you then you can just disappear. My worst crime was saying I wanted to spend less time with him and his smoking bothered me. Fuck you.
Guaranteed I’m going to come back and say we’re back on good terms but fuck him for now. I’m not fucking reconciling. I fucking apologised what more can I do? I’m human and I have insecurities and I will act on those insecurities through fear. I fucking like him and I don’t want to look like a fucking drama queen but that’s basically what I am now. Might as well go full fucking psycho.
Single for life is looking ever more attractive by the fucking second. I need my space anyway so love can just piss off.