I really need people to start telling me when they notice that I’m not myself anymore. I can’t be going crazy and have no idea. But all is well with me. I finally have some respite from all the worrying and stressing and thinking. Obviously thinking about not thinking can lead to overthinking so I’m just trying hard to be present. So far so good.
My relationship with Igor has transcended new levels. Last night he helped me blow out my afro. I combed, he blow dried. This morning I did a wee in front of him. And he showered while I brushed my teeth. Progress!
The weekend was nice. I enjoyed just being present with Igor. I’m so glad we’re still together. I really, really, really like him. Like a lot a lot. I’m trying to not get overwhelmed by my feelings for him and just accept that I have them. I get butterflies, I get moments where I want to take in all of him, and I’m very attracted to him. I’m glad that hasn’t changed. Even when in a state I knew that I liked him, I couldn’t feel anything, but logically I knew that what I felt for him was real. He really is amazing. But anyway, enough of him.
On Friday, I invited a homeless man to have KFC with me, but he refused and asked for coffee instead, so I bought him coffee. For me, I just really needed someone to talk to. At that point, I didn’t even care who. For the homeless man, he wanted free food and drinks. I was offering him a meal and he refused me. I think maybe his pride got in the way. When you’re homeless, you must has qualms about entering into public spaces, especially restaurants. Obviously fear of being turned away or stared at can come into play but really, beggars can’t be choosers and if someone is offering you a full meal, I think it would be wise to take it, despite what reservations you may have.
I’m acquainted with a homeless man named Chris (real name). I’ve offered to take him into fast-food restaurants to buy him food and he hasn’t once turned me down. Anyway we all have our insecurities, I don’t blame the homeless man for refusing my offer. I do like talking to the homeless. I feel like throwing them money isn’t going to do much for restoring their humanity. That’s why I’d prefer giving them my listening ear than my money. Sleeping on the streets and have people walk past like you’re invisible must be so dehumanising and I think just letting them know that you see and hear them goes a long way, especially for their mental health.
I’ve decided I’m aiming to retire by the end of 2019. I want to be self-sufficient by that point. Make my own money and never work for the man again. Now that I’m out of my mental slump, I’m going to start working hard again. I think I can be successful. I see success in my future. I see Igor too. He says he knows I’ll be a good wife and mother. How nice. Well I think he’ll be a good husband and father. Whether that’s with me or not, I know he’ll make whoever he’s with happy.
I actually feel sad and very remorseful that I hurt him with my emotional state. It wasn’t on purpose. I try to be selfless always but I guess I was really selfish with the way I treated him; making him feel like it was his fault that I was in a state. I don’t know if I can forgive myself, but if I don’t I think I’d drive myself crazy again, so I just need to accept that it happened and try hard to avoid another episode.
Also, I need to stop taking things so personally. I get upset at the smallest reprimand and that of course fuels my anxiety. But we live and we learn! Life goes on. But for the most part, I’m content.