Now that I’m single, I have to figure out what to do with myself. It’s not like I’ve never been single before, but for real, I want to be properly single. Like long term. 6 months at least.
I’m already quite busy with my craft but it’s not everyday I’ll be working on a project. I could join the gym again – get sexy. I have definitely started getting a bit chubs. I think that’s what I’ll do, join the gym.
It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with though.
* * *
Life is itching to be single when you’re with someone and itching to be with someone when you’re single. I’m going down the “will I ever find anyone?” path. I need to remember that after I broke up with my ex, I met an Igorian. And after the Igorian I will meet my next ex (or actual forever-person). But it’s the not knowing when that sucks.
I just wonder if I’ll be bored or lonely.
Anyway that’s something to not think about. I just don’t want to start worrying. Life’s spontaneity is what I love the most so I need to just embrace the not knowing and take it as something exciting.
* * *
So I’m reading about emotional triggers again. Maybe I just never realised I was being triggered and so didn’t do well in negative situations. It’s not Igor’s fault. It never was. It’s all me feeling the way I feel because of some obvious past trauma… Whatever that is…
This is something that I have to work on. Really. If I want a real, intimate relationship with anyone I need to understand that it’s not always going to be rosy and arguing doesn’t mean I’m unwanted or disliked.
Poor Igor. He still wants me but I think maybe we just need space from each other to reevaluate ourselves in the relationship. Taking time out from him made me realise maybe there are deep rooted issues that mostly have nothing to do with him. I can put our past arguments into perspective and see that maybe sometimes I was irrational.
Should I or nah? I want to be better. But do I want to be better with him? That is the question…
* * *
I want to do an exercise where I think about all the situations that have gotten me triggered. I’ll first try and pinpoint certain memories then I’ll put them in chronological order if I can – maybe I can find the root cause.
I’ve figured it out. It’s my biological dad. My mum told me that when I was a baby, maybe like three or four, I used to ask every man I met if he was my father. That just sounds like such a sad thing for a little bubba to go through. And perhaps that’s something that’s stuck with me throughout my development into an adult. Children are so susceptible to their surroundings that as an adult you may not even be aware of the things you’ve absorbed. I don’t remember asking those men that question as a child but it happened and it shaped me.
I have many opinions of my biological father. Something that I don’t usually have of anyone so maybe he did affect me more than I want to admit. It’s sad. He did this to me. He still continues to haunt me even though he walked out on me before I could barely walk.
Funnily enough, he walked into my life when I was 20 and walked right back out two years later. As annoying as it is to admit it, it was probably him all along. From me not feeling accepted in friendship groups as a young child, to me feeling unwanted by every man who’s ever wanted me.
Such a sad realisation. I could never do that to my own child. I need a man who will stay by my side until the end of time.
The next step is to forgive the douch. It’s hard. Why should he be forgiven when he’s a complete dick?
I need to let go of this. I do. I can only feel sorry for baby Dera. Imagine the sadness that must have ripped through her when all of the men she asked told her they weren’t her father. That constant rejection over and over again. Poor kid.
Now that I’ve deduced the cause, maybe I can understand where the hurt is coming from and work on remembering that these people triggering me are not my biological father.
I don’t want to forgive him, but I have to…
Fuck me.