I’m doing it again. I’m liking him. Should I stop myself from feeling anything?
Or rather, do I actually like him or am I deluding myself into thinking I do? It’s not every guy I meet that I like, i.e. the Italian but from what I’ve seen so far, there’s potential there. He’s what I’ve asked for and yet I’m not sure because what if I’m projecting my hopes and expectations onto him?
This is why I get anxious. Instead of just taking things for what they are, I question it. I question myself. I just want to be. I just want to accept it, but I can’t because I’ll somehow be wrong.
Forgetting all feelings for now and thinking pragmatically. From what I’ve seen so far, what do I like about him and why do I feel that there’s potential?
- He shares an interest in the things that I’m passionate about. His love for books alone is enough for me to want to isolate myself in an empty room with him all day. There are so many things we can talk about. So many ideas we can explore. And plenty to laugh about too.
- He’s an academic and a very intellectual being. He leads with intelligence as opposed to superficial and shallow things.
- He listens to me when I speak and tries to understand me when he can. I feel like I can be open with him without feeling judged. This means a lot to me, especially when in a state of anxiety – he puts me at ease.
- He’s honest and he shares personal things. His explicitness is a nice balance to my implicitness. He takes the lead and makes decisions for us but is also happy to go along with the things that I want.
- He likes me for me. Imperfections and all. My spotty face. My flabby belly. My apprehension towards dating. He loves my style and doesn’t care that I’m not so girly. He doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with me. In fact, it’s my naivety and vulnerability that he finds most endearing.
- He knows what he wants and he works hard for it.
- Great music taste.
- I consider him someone I could be friends if we weren’t potentially romantically involved.
I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself again. I’m going to take Ashton’s advice and just live in the now. I’ll stop worrying about all the ways I could mess things up and let whatever feelings I feel just be.
* * *
Clearly all of the above are things that I’ve observed thus far but by no means does this mean that that’s who he is all the time, he could well be the devil in disguise, but as far as I know, I have no reason to not trust him but I’m still exercising some caution.
I’m seeing him tomorrow. I’m going to let him know that I will get to know him but I have my boundaries and he has to respect them. I’ll keep forming ice queen while in the meantime my frozen heart thaws.
* * *
Hey, am I physically attracted to him? I think so. Anyway, no more thinking. Just being. Time for the gym.