Finally. Some alone time. I love spending time with Igor but these past weeks have just been me and him all day everyday and now I need a few moments to myself. I’m happy for the Christmas break. Recently I’ve been chafing. Like I just needed some space but he loves spending time with me and it’ll be mean to say no when we’re going to be apart for a whole week during Christmas.
I’m just not used to being so near someone for such long periods of time. I was in a long distance relationship for two years and being by myself was what I became used to. Then Igor comes along and suddenly I don’t know what Dera time feels like anymore.
Right now, my feelings for Igor are clouded by frustration. I’ve also been thinking about my past relationship and my ex. Sort of inwardly comparing what I have with Igor to what I had with my ex. I don’t miss him. I just want to remember if I ever had any feelings of dejection with my ex so that I know that what I am going through with Igor is normal.
I just want to slow down and not get too comfortable too quickly, considering that I don’t really know him. I still believe that if I gave him a chance, my intuition wouldn’t be wrong. He’s perfect for me. I just have a massive mind block thats preventing me from seeing that right now. The fact that I know how I’ve felt about him in the past means that I know I’ll feel the same way again. Feelings just don’t disappear.
Being on my period hasn’t really helped matters either. I’ve felt ridiculously shitty and unattractive and I’m not feeling too great about anything right now. Getting away for a week will be good for me. I’m not going to try and force happiness, I’ll just let how I’m feeling run it’s course and hopefully I’ll be back in full swing come the new year.
Igor and I have already spoken about doing more things individually in the new year. We’ll both go back to our hobbies and see each other when we have some free time. I think that will be best. I’m not ready to give up my freedom for love. I unintentionally did that once and I’m not doing it again. I am Dera first and foremost. Being someone’s girlfriend is a secondary priority.
Last night, we went back and looked at some of the first messages we exchanged with each other and I’m completely surprised as to how we were communicating as if we’d known each other for about 100 years. It was weird. I can still remember the first evening we went out. I should definitely recount the story, although I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
We both have a mutual friend called Casper. Casper and I are pretty close and go on nights out quite often. So, Casper suggested us three go out for dinner that Friday evening after work. We grabbed a burger and I sat quietly while Casper and Igor chatted away. I was in one of my subdued moods plus I didn’t really have much to add to their conversation. Casper had already clearly grasped that Igor and I were vibing on a level and so once we had eaten, he decided it was time for him to leave. Upon his departure he turned to me and said “Have a good night Dera”, giving me a very knowing look then left me and Igor alone.
Igor and I sat chatting in the garden of the restaurant (because he smoked) for about an hour. We’d already established that we had similar taste in music earlier on that evening at the bus stop outside work and that was already a pretty bonding factor. The conversation was flowing and it was great! At this point there was no inclination that we really liked each other but I guess body language spoke louder than words. He told me about how he was useless at relationships and I told him how I was useless at staying engaged. Neither of us really suspecting any blossoming romance. Needless to say, something was definitely brewing.
We then headed back inside where we decided to mess around for a bit. We thought it would be fun to choose each others next drink, something horrible obviously. I chose a lovely spiced rum for him and he chose this disgusting liquorice flavoured canned cocktail for me. We laughed and the banter continued to flow. The next round, we chose something nicer for the other then left for another bar where we ordered yet more drinks. We talked loads, laughed more and then called it a night. I wanted to take him to my special bridge but it was getting late and the buses would stop running soon.
But that didn’t mean that the fun would stop! We completely nuisanced ourselves on the streets of our little town. Passionately singing out loud some System of a Down, Chop Suey!. Hugging walls, singing into fist microphones, being dramatic. Then onto a rendition of Papa Roach’s Last Resort. Classic. We were tipsy to say the least.
I walked him to his bus stop then decided it would be great to go into the store and buy some sugar; sweets, candy, chocolate, ANYTHING! It was 10pm in the evening and he came out with cereal, bread and a healthy snack bar. I bought nothing… He shared his horrible nut and dark chocolate bar with me but I broke off a bit too much and didn’t want to be rude so I offered it back to me. He refused so I did the only thing I could and stuffed it into his mouth. In that second we definitely had a moment. I remember looking into his eyes, him laughing at what I just did and suddenly feeling the tiniest bit shy. Feeding someone is a bit intimate and even though it was a joke, there was something there.
His bus came and he went home and that was it for the evening. Until he messaged me on Facebook Messenger… And this is where our story begins.
But it doesn’t end there.
The next morning he reached out again. The evening before, we had agreed on hanging out the next day but Saturday came and his friend invited him to his city to meet up for some coffee. Instead of blowing me off, Igor invited me to come along. I said yes because I know no boundaries and off to this other city we went to meet the friend of a guy I barely even knew. Fun!
This is only day two of our story, but at this point I already felt like I’d known Igor for just under 30 years. Nothing was awkward or weird. I met his friend and we had a good day out. Just like that.
And that is how I know he’s mine. Everything is just natural around him. Nothing feels forced or too much. We’re just ourselves and so because of that, we’re great together.
I feel a bit better now telling the story. Even though this only happened last month, it feels like years ago and I don’t want to forget the natural connection we had from the start. I’m going to allow us a moment to recalibrate. To find ourselves and then we can go back to being the amazing couple we are. I’m not ready for us to become an old married duo yet, so we definitely need our own space to just be.
* * *
Being able to get done the things that I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t had the aloneness to do is satisfying. Today I just want to relax and enjoy the solitude.
I need to talk about the thievery I was involved in on Wednesday. I went to get my helix re-pierced and upon payment I was only charged ↂ6 instead of ↂ36. I knew I was being undercharged but said nothing and proceeded to pay the ↂ6. I felt so guilty like I was a thief so I told Igor about it and he said it was their responsibility to check that they were charging me the right amount. He said ↂ6 was more reasonable and that I should say nothing. Hahaha! He’s so funny. Either way I feel bad and until I told Igor, my conscience wouldn’t let me rest. Anyway life happens!
I’m not going to go home for Christmas today. I’ll go tomorrow. Just being able to spend time alone is everything I need right now and I don’t want to ruin that just yet.
I’m very attracted to Igor! We take the cutest pictures together, we look amazing together and since I’ve been with him, I’ve been feeling a lot more body confident. The way he makes me feel about myself is more important than the way he makes me feel about him. Any guy can whisper sweet nothings into a lady’s ear and have her swoon. But make a woman feel cherished, appreciated, listened to, cared for, beautiful, not many men can do that.
His looks is one thing I’ve never really spoken about. I talk about him as a person a lot rather than how handsome he is. But he is handsome and ridiculously tall. Too tall in fact. I’m 5’5” and he’s 6’4” with big feet… And you know what they say about men with big feet. And I can definitely attest to that phenomenon. He’s good looking but I’ll leave it at that because I don’t want anything I say next to take away from his all-round amazingness.