Yesterday, Telis was fingering me because he really wanted me to finally orgasm and I completely PTSD’d. It started getting intense and I began to panic. I told him to get off me and was trying to pushing him away., I swear I would have kicked him in the face if he didn’t let me go, I was shit scared. I started crying then ran and locked myself inside the bathroom.
Who would have thought that I’d be so triggered? I thought I was over the event that it took me back to; the whole almost getting raped thing, but clearly not. I never really liked getting fingered and when things start to get intense I tend to push the guy away. Maybe that’s why I’ve never orgasmed. Because of that one incident. I remembered most of what happened yesterday.
I went to his place and saw he had a keyboard, he put me on his lap while I played twinkle twinkle little star. Then he started to kiss me all over my body, but not on my lips. I remember the bra I was wearing, it was black and lacy. I was undressed and in my underwear. He started to rub my clitoris, I think – his fingers weren’t inside me. But I know that whatever he was doing to me felt good. I was enjoying it and then he was on top of me. I think he then began to finger me but I’m not sure, I don’t think it was his penis. I know what a penis feels like now. I however stopped enjoying it at that point because he was inside me and I wasn’t sure what exactly he put inside.
I’d already told him I didn’t want to have sex but when he started getting the condom out I mentioned it to him again. He didn’t listen to me. He pushed me down. Maybe that was the point he began fingering me. It was either before or after pinning me down. I tried to push him off me but he wouldn’t let me go. I was so scared. I kept pushing and eventually he got off me. I went straight to the bathroom and saw I had some juice on me. I think it may have been my own – not his. But I wasn’t sure. Then I got dressed to leave and as I was leaving his kissed me on the forehead – I took that as a sign of affection but really I don’t know what it was. All I know is that I almost believed it. I can’t remember much of what happened after that. I think I cut him off and that was that. But when I got home that night, I felt so dirty. Disgusting. I went straight into the bath and scrubbed my body. I washed my hair. Put all my clothes in the wash. I wanted nothing to do with any object that was involved.
I know I’ve felt nothing but shame for enjoying the stimulation. During sexual activities, when things start to feel “good”, I never let it get further. Rubbing my clit or having it rubbed can only go so far before I stop it.
What Telis did wasn’t his fault. I’ve never allowed anyone to finger me for so long and so when the feelings of pleasure started getting more and more powerful all I wanted was for it to stop. And when Telis wasn’t stopping, I freaked out. I never knew I was so traumatised by it. I’ve never reacted that way before. I don’t know what to do about it.
I want to get over this trauma. I’m ok with penetrative intercourse. Just not the whole fingering malarkey and I don’t think I’ve ever been honest with myself as to why. Maybe I’ll let Telis finger me again, but at my pace. Each time, we’ll increase the duration until I’m at a point where I don’t freak out. I do feel safe with him, but yesterday was just so unexpected.
I’m broken.