Telis,
I can’t sleep. Sex has continued to be a constant source of disappointment for me. Representing my inability to get aroused. My inability to have an orgasm. And my inability to conceive a child. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I can only feel sorry for you who will have to bear the burden of a sexless and childless marriage. I’m sorry for being broken. Not sure what else I can do to fix things. I know I’m being punished for something. Maybe it’s because I’m not deserving. I don’t know what I did wrong, I’m still trying to understand. Maybe I can make amends or beg for forgiveness. I don’t know. I just can’t open my legs and pretend that I’m even working a little bit. 3 months has gone, and as we approach 6 months, I can see little progress made. And then we’ll be faced with 12 months and then 2 years. That’s not a road I want to go down. For the sake of my own sanity and the preservation of our marriage. I thought making a baby will involve love and passion but instead, I’m filled with despair and aversion. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to have sex anymore. Not only will I be reminded that I’m sexually defunct, I’ll also have to add infertile to the list. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to stop crying. We haven’t even done anything yet. Maybe I’m just mourning something that’ll never be. I guess it’s time for a new dream now?