What a fucking depressing day. Even work was annoying. To be honest, I slept quite late last night so I’m pretty tired and just damn miserable. I was in a trance for the most of the morning just daydreaming and thinking and thinking and daydreaming. You know me…
I was walking around like a robot. Barely taking in my surroundings. I need to unwind. Meditate for a good 30 minutes and empty out my brain. It’s everything to be honest; I’ve been looking at houses, doing viewings, considering my options, and then there’s this new relationship that I’ve suddenly found myself in plus trying to figure out how to actually go about my clothing line ambitions, it’s all just a lot.
Relationships always take up a good portion of my thoughts, which is normal, especially when they’re new, but I have the added perks of worrying and self-inflicted stress. Lovely…
I just want something stress free this time.
Last night when I saw Telis, I told him my boundaries, including no sex, which was fine. The only thing he wasn’t enthusiastic about was when I said we weren’t exclusive. I told him that I didn’t want him to think he has me, because he doesn’t. He’s not my boyfriend.
I’m not exactly seeing anyone else but I need him to understand that although I’m giving him a chance, it doesn’t mean that there’s a guarantee I will be his girlfriend.
I still don’t know if I want to be with anyone.
It’s easy to be alone because the sadness that comes with loneliness is more bearable than that that comes with being in a bad relationship. And I’d rather bask in my loneliness…
I know by saying this I risk finding a good thing, the one thing I’ve always wanted, but I don’t know… Maybe it’s just not meant for me?
The closest I’ve come to finding something real was with Cymric and even then it was still way too far. I don’t like comparing people to people but Telis, in his own right, is on my wavelength. I’m not going to use him to berate anyone but as I’ve said before, “Guys are different from guys. You can’t paint them all with the same brush. Some just aren’t worth shit though.” #MenAreTrash and whatnot, but not all men.
I’m still so ridiculously wary of Telis. He has this unmoving resolve to make me his and that in itself is scary. Especially since it’s still very early on and he doesn’t know me well enough to concretely say he wants me. At least he’s honest, but I want to remain cautious.
It reminds me of a poem I wrote. I actually read it to him on Sunday while we were out:
Make You Mine [24/10/2017]
You see, my dear, there’s no two ways about it;
You’re going to be mine.
And this isn’t a case of wishful overthinking
Or unwarranted obsession.
I just know enough to put the sums together
Whereby the result is us.
And no matter which way you try to spin it
It always comes back to you.
And though I’ve been hit with inconvenient timing,
My certainty knows no bounds.
The way this love has been set up guarantees
That I’ll wait for you.
So I’ll look into your eyes, and give into the need
To take your hand in mine.
And place it over the heart you unwittingly captured
With hopes you’ll feel it too.
With hopes that you’ll realise.
I’m going to make you mine.
It’s my little stalker poem, cute right?
I understand the feeling when it’s for someone you properly know. But someone new? I don’t know. I could be a fucking psycho. In fact, I am…
Let’s take this a day at a time. It’s ok for me to have reservations but I shouldn’t overthink things.
* * *
I feel good! I spoke to Junior, he said that I’m doing good and he’s proud of me! (The whole taking things slow).
I’ve been listening to Sri Vishnu Yantra by Eidola non-stop, amazing song! I’m in love with it. I really have to see them live, I don’t care what it takes! Especially if they perform that song – I’d die!
* * *
What’s the difference between Telis and the Italian? I’ve known from the start that I have no interest in the Italian, so how did I stop things from going further while with Telis I find myself constantly thinking about him. What’s different?
Food for thought, eh?