Fuck me. I’m so embarrassed. Igor insisted I send him my last journal entry only if I wanted to and since I want to practice openness and honesty, I did. Then he asked me if I didn’t want to be with him anymore, which is the last thing that I want. Of course I want to be with him. So to once again prove myself to him, I sent him the entry from 19th December, “Intuition says forever-person. I say ok!” FML. Then he said that I was confused because I wrote that he wasn’t my type so I had to send him a snippet from an unfinished entry meant for 23rd December that said “‘Type’ is such a stupid measure of whether someone is right or wrong for you. When I was young, I had a type but as I got older ‘type’ just became redundant.” I then explained to him that I don’t have a type and that my 19 year old self would never have imagined themselves with a “6’4” Igorian” but as I got older and wiser aesthetics became less important to me, but I’m lucky that he’s attractive anyway. And to prove that I found him attractive, I sent him the last part from the entry on 22nd December. And now I’m embarrassed. I don’t want him to know how much I like him. It’s creepy and quite frankly a bit too much. I just want to hide because these were my own personal feelings, feelings that I’m not yet ready to disclose because I’m being cautious as fuck. Maybe I need to stop journaling and just keep my thoughts to myself. I’m a bit annoyed.
I feel like I need to forever keep justifying myself. I know I’m a walking talking contradiction and my mood basically dictates what I feel or don’t feel but when I’m emotionally numb I literally feel nothing for anyone or anything.
The 22nd was an emotionally numb day. I had no opinion of anything and no desire to do anything. I didn’t even eat. I didn’t miss him, not because I don’t like him but because I just didn’t have the headspace to. I was mentally distant from myself. I just laid in bed all day because I needed a break from being near someone all the time. It may not feel exhausting at the time but constantly having to change your plans to cater to someone’s desire to spend time with you is frustrating and it’s an internal battle that I have to fight, leaving me mentally exhausted.
Especially since I’m not in my own space. I’m not somewhere surrounded by my own belongings, things that make me feel at home. I just needed a rest.
But now I’m really annoyed and I’m having second thoughts about this whole relationship thing. Maybe I’m not ready for one.
I know I’m speaking out of annoyance and everything will be fine when I’m feeling less moody. I do want to be with him. 100%. I just don’t want to think about it right now. That’s all. I need to think about me and be a little bit selfish. I’m worried I’m going to revert back to what my old relationship made me. And I can’t have that.
It’s like the other day, we went into town and he wanted to get a haircut and I wasn’t feeling too great because of my period. I just wanted to go back to my place and have some peaceful moments to myself, just for a bit. But it was the last night we’d be spending together before Christmas because he had to fly back to Igorland the next day. I said I’ll go home and I can meet him after he was done at the barbers. Then he said I should just wait for him inside the barbers that it wouldn’t take long then we could go back to his place. So I was just like, fine, whatever. I might as well just wait for him. But I was really annoyed actually.
I just needed to be in pain in peace. Period pain sucks and all I wanted was my own bed, no disturbances.
He’s a nice guy but I want to see him less. I appreciate that he likes me and wants to spend time with me but sometimes it can be too much. Feeling like I’m in control of my own life is important to me and when I feel like I’m losing control I emotionally rebel against it and the person who’s holding the power.
It’s also more of a case of me speaking up and fighting for myself. I can’t carry on with my people-pleasing ways. Things will need to get better if I am to survive in this relationship. Intuition says he’s good for me but intuition won’t keep us together if I’m not communicating my needs to him.
I’m still very embarrassed. I don’t need him to know that I think he’s my forever-person. I think I’m doing this dating thing all wrong. Time to run away me thinks.
Maybe I’m a little bit stressed. I think I am. I feel like he thinks bad of me now. That I’m flakey or inconsistent. Oh fuck it. I care too much and I need to stop. I can’t be bothered. It’s stressing me. I’m stressed. Fuck this. I’m going to get erratic and send him an essay about who cares and he’ll think I’m an even bigger freak. I should sleep it off. That’s the best thing to do. I’ll refrain from messaging him for now. Even though I have this insatiable urge to explain to him that I’m not a crazy psycho girlfriend who’s going to lock him down and make him my forever-person by force.
But then again, is being honest with my feelings so bad? I just read back the entry from the 19th and actually it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s really sweet. He should be fucking honoured that I feel this way. I’ve changed my mind. It’s not that embarrassing. I was just being dramatic. Now I’m laughing at myself because I realise now that journaling is what I need to be doing when I’m in one of these moods. It stops me from reaching out to people and being confusing. I’m happy I didn’t try and message Igor and justify shit that didn’t need justifying because I know I would somehow say something contradicting and leave him even more puzzled about the weirdo he’s dating.
I’ve calmed down now. Phew! Writing out my feelings help. I don’t even think I want to go back and read the craziness in the previous paragraphs. But basically that’s how easy I switch and that can leave people very confused about me. My mood dictates EVERYTHING!
I’m amazing.
* * *
Now that I’m calm and thinking clearly-ish, I need to go back and address some of the things I said.
He didn’t force me to spend time with him. He never forces me to do anything I don’t want to do. He was right, it was our last night together, and it’s cute that he wanted us to spend it with each other. I wasn’t feeling great that day and my mood was impacted. But I’d rather be with him suffering and being looked after, than alone with my laptop watching anime and eating nothing.
He always, and I must stress the ‘always’, puts my needs first. With anything and everything he does he considers me. He is selfless, thoughtful and understanding. He is the best thing to have ever happened to me and I can’t even express how grateful I am for him. I know I take my frustrations out on him but he’s not to blame. I play my part for not speaking out.
I need to remember he’s nothing like what I’m used to from past guys. All he wants is for me to be comfortable and happy and so I need to feel free enough to be open with him. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man plus more. It’s like God heard my pleas and sent an angel in the form of a 6’4” Igorian.
I can’t wait to fall in love with him.
I do want to be in a relationship. It’s just not easy sometimes. But it’s all a learning curve. I’m also learning about myself in the process and journaling has been very enlightening. It’s given me a massive insight into who I am and half the shit I say but sometimes don’t mean.
I think in the future before I impulsively say anything to anyone, I’ll write out my feelings to check if I’m being unreasonable or not. Igor is a little bit sensitive and I don’t need to take him on a rollercoaster of confusion just yet. He also understands that I’m insecure and God knows whether or not that’s endearing, but it hasn’t put him off me, so we’re all good for now.
* * *
I can’t be bothered ANNYYYMOOOORE. ANNNYYYMMMOOORRREEEE!! I give up. I wasn’t built for love. I was built for strong, independent woman who don’t need no man.
But I like hiiiiiimmmmmmmm. Fuck me. He’s taking this whole “type” thing and me needing more time alone so seriously. Like I said, it’s time to run away. Switching off my phone bitchez! I’m uncontactable until 27th December. Don’t come at me. Ok phone’s not switched off. But I have deactivated WhatsApp. Will probably do the same for Facebook Messenger.
PEACE.
I can’t be bothered. Really. I’m just going to stop talking. Everything I say or write is always the wrong thing. I give up. Never showing him anything I write in my journal again. Good or bad. That’s it.
* * *
All is good! I was just being dramatic! Carry on!
Wow. This blog entry really has been an emotional rollercoaster. I pity the fools who have to keep up with me! Hahaha!
He’s forever-bae.