I wrote the below on 17th October 2017 and I think it’s something that should be shared in my journal. I was going to share it with the world but I’m actually glad I didn’t.
Let’s talk about DEPRESSION
Not sadness, not despondency, not infrequent melancholy,
Actual.
Depression.
I have gone from ridiculously depressed, to mildly depressed to just plain old depressed. Right now I’m trying to work through my feelings, especially the negative ones that I have towards myself. I know sometimes when you’re so consumed in your own sadness it’s so hard to think rationally so I’ve written this little note to myself from an outward viewpoint to let me know that it’s ok to just be human.
Dera,
There are many things in life that will bring about feelings of dejection and depression. You cannot be expected to be 100% happy all the time. You were at a very low point in your life, your mental, physical and emotional health was affected and it left you with a lot of negative opinions of yourself.
Now understand this, I’m not going to say that you weren’t yourself. Maybe you weren’t your USUAL self, but you were yourself. You were your miserable, people-pleasing, overdoing self. AND THAT’S OK. You reacted to a situation in the way YOU being YOU would react. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GO INTO DARK PLACES. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT BE 100% ALL THE TIME. DO NOT fear something that is NORMAL, NATURAL for human beings. Do not fear to go into your deepest and darkest existence. Because you need this to grow. You need this to be a better, stronger person. You need this to understand that you are HUMAN. You are HUMAN. Being human means not being perfect. Not always being happy. Failing at being happy isn’t a thing! You didn’t fail. If anything you’re passing life with flying colours because you are ticking every single box of emotions every single person in this world will face.
BE ANGRY. BE SAD. BE WHATEVER FEELING YOU WANT TO BE. FEEL. Because that’s what will bring about change for the better. Feeling negative emotions doesn’t make you LESS of a person. Having feelings and expressing them makes you the most beautiful type of human being. Acknowledging your sadness and living it makes you more amazing than you know.Do not invalidate your feelings because you feel it will take away from who you are. You are who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, and that’s ok.
I was really sad. But I’m glad that I no longer remember what it was like to feel that way. Here’s to a 2019 filled with healthy emotions, be it good or bad.