I don’t know.
Too much has transpired.
* * *
I’m depressed. I know it. I’m in that mood sucking vortex where all things go to be miserable. I just want to be alone and do nothing.
It’s 4pm and I’ve been in bed all day. I haven’t even used my laptop to watch anything or do anything for that matter.
My boyfriend bit me yesterday. He bites me all the time and it hurts, but it was especially painful yesterday. I wasn’t expecting it so in the moment I threw my phone at him really hard; fight or flight and whatnot. I apologised straight away for throwing my phone at him, it was just an immediate reaction to the pain he caused me, but I was ridiculously annoyed at him for what he did.
But he didn’t even apologise. I asked him to apologise and instead of acknowledging that he actually hurt me, he told me he didn’t even bite down that hard and that I was overreacting. Like what the fuck? I know the pain I felt, it hurt and I deserved an apology.
He then threw a flippant sorry in my direction and proceeded to laugh at me.
* * *
I think I’m all around unhappy. For the past few weeks I’ve been questioning whether I’m truly happy. It takes very little to put me in a sad place and so I wonder if everything is ok with me.
I don’t think I’m ok. Maybe I’m still suffering from the aftermath of my breakup with my ex. I thought I was ok but maybe I’m not. Maybe I never will be.
I also have the added pressure I give myself to succeed in everything I’m doing. And when I see that I’m not the best, it grates on me.
I’m just so down. I’m irritable. I’m not myself. And I don’t know what to do. The best thing to do in this situation is to surround myself with people, but I want to be alone. I don’t even know if I’m in the best frame of mind for a relationship.
Igor and I have been together 3 months today but I just want to isolate myself from that. I don’t even derive any joy from the fact that I successfully finished my craft projects. I look at them and feel nothing. No joy, no pride, no happiness.
I want to get away from this person. I don’t want to be me right now. I don’t like it. Nothing is fun anymore. Everything is a burden.
I’m so hurt. I’m hurt. Everything hurts. It hurts that I’m sad. And I don’t know how to make it better. Maybe I do take it out on Igor or maybe he really is just that annoying, but he shouldn’t be on the receiving end of my pain anymore. This is something I have to fight alone.
I want true happiness. Pure in all its forms. I want let go of all of this sadness but I don’t even know why I’m sad. I try to be happy for Igor but I can’t do it anymore. I’m too inconsistent with my emotions. I so badly want to feel something genuine. But sometimes all I want is to be alone.