I’m really nervous. If I’ve found my person, I don’t want to mess things up. He’s someone who I like as a person, who is interesting and ambitious enough to keep my attention.
I can’t stop thinking about him, which is exciting. I quite like that he’s assertive. I don’t like being told what to do, but I like it when a man takes the lead. He gave me a deadline for my clothing line business plan, which is cute, but I probably won’t adhere to it.
I do want to give this a chance. There have been a lot of guys that I’ve rejected. Through the classic art of ghosting of course, because I’m a little pussy. It’s not just anyone I allow to get close to me. The fact that I’ve allowed him to get this far proves enough that on a subconscious level, there’s something there.
* * *
Ok, I want to compare because these are my own private thoughts and there’s nothing wrong with me looking at different characteristics of men that I did or didn’t like in the past.
Actually I shouldn’t. Let’s not focus on the negative of others. Let’s only see the good. But all I wanted to say is that I find it easier to talk about the intricacies of my life with Telis than I did with Igor. Like for example, I showed him messages my little sister sent me about wanting to borrow my Dr. Martens and my responses to her, and I was laughing at the cheek of it all with him. I never did that with Igor. I never shared the little things that make up my everyday life. The things that I liked to talk about that kept me sane and feeling less lonely.
He doesn’t exacerbate my insecurities. If anything, he tries to reassure me that it’s ok and the thing that I’m insecure about is actually what he likes about me. Isn’t that lovely?
I know I said I wouldn’t get ahead of myself, but this is between you and me, Journal. I won’t tell him how much I’m liking him but in this space, I will allow myself the freedom to just feel and create my own little fairytale.
So let’s rewind to last Friday. Let’s take every little bit of magic and over-analyse it.
Storytime
To be honest, last Friday, I had no expectations whatsoever. As far as I was concerned I was just meeting an acquaintance for drinks. No way did I think it would lead to anything other than friendship. I wasn’t excited, nor was I nervous. It may have well been a meeting with my local supermarket cashier. That’s how low profile the whole thing was in my mind.
Let me not lie, I already assumed we’d have nothing in common. The last two times I’d seen him, prior to last Friday, we didn’t really speak and when we did, the conversation was so basic that it left a lot to be desired. When I say I had no expectations, best believe I was ready to leave with the same opinion of him that arrived with – none.
But I was surprised.
We started off in a wine bar. He ordered a wine, I ordered a cocktail and than we sat down to talk. And wow. The conversation was deep. It was personal. It was easy. And it was nice. We spoke about everything. Our interests, our lives. Our aspirations. We had too much in common and I saw before me someone who was like me and my little heart rejoiced for I wasn’t so alone in the world after all.
At this point I sensed our potential and slowly I started putting on my emotional armour. Gauntlet – check. Greaves – check.
We then moved onto a Nepalese restaurant where we sat and ate and of course, talked some more. Then we went dancing. Breastplate – check. Vambrace – check.
Then taking a late night stroll, we found ourselves in a children’s playground where I ended up in his arms atop a basket swing. That was where he first kissed me. Helm – check. Pauldron – check.
Then shit hit the fan and my shield went up too.
I arrived to our little rendezvous unguarded and left with a heart fully clad in armour.
Everything was so unexpected that it was like walking into an invisible brick wall. I came out more wounded than I would have liked. My anxiety hit me in the face and I ran from it. No way was I going to face it again.
I saw him on the Sunday. That was the day I was to tell him that I didn’t want a relationship. I told him I wasn’t emotionally ready. He was pretty adamant about dating me but I refused. There was just no chance. I wasn’t there yet. But at least I’d told him. Slowly, the armour came off; there was no longer any possibility of a relationship. I’d keep evading all his advances if I had to… Until that evening.
We went back to his place. It was chilled. We listened to music, talked and although I was slightly guarded, I could be myself.
But without a moment’s notice, I was fully armoured once again. He was talking, saying something that I can’t remember because I wasn’t listening. I was looking at him. And in that second I knew I liked him. Weapon in hand, my mind immediately began preparing itself for battle. My heart sounded its war cry and there stood my enemies. Anxiety. Fear. Apprehension. Mistrust. And I knew it was time to flee.
As I was leaving, he asked if he could see me on Wednesday. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to say no, so I told him I’d think about it. And think about it I did!
And when Wednesday arrived, I once again found myself in his company but I was so heavily armoured that there was no freedom to move – no freedom to be myself.
I lost the openness that I donned on Friday and convinced myself it was because I didn’t like him. But every touch was like lightning through my soul. Every kiss lit a fire within me that could not be extinguished. My mind may have been convinced, but my body wasn’t.
And that’s where I am right now. Trying to consider the magic, but only seeing my own insecurities.
But there was magic. There was magic laying in his arms under the stars talking about the insignificance of man. There was magic in that first kiss because the whole universe bore witness to it. There was magic in the food we shared and the drinks we drank. We danced with magic and our laughter entwined with it. The meeting of our eyes held a piece of it but the biggest and best magic of all was that meeting of our lips; connected in a single moment, hearts aflutter and passions afire.
He’s made my days magical but I’ll always be distracted by the war I’m fighting within myself. But I will fight it and I will win as not to miss out on any more spectacular moments.
Now that I’ve had my moment to indulge in my fairytale, I can go back to guarding my mind and my heart. Until next time Journal!
* * *
I haven’t actually spoken much about Sunday.
Quick recap: We sat in a park under the sun for a while casually chatting. He then asked if he could have my weekend and upon my acceptance, he took me on a journey outside of Deraland. He bought our train tickets and we went to a little town by the river. It was beautiful. We walked around, talked and he bought me ice cream. We then sat in another park, and continued our conversation. We returned back to Deraland and made our way to his place. He put some garlic bread in the oven for me because I hadn’t eaten all day, then we talked some more then I left. Done.
* * *
Heart’s racing. Why? Why? Why?
Telis bought me the book, ‘The Alchemist’. There’s definitely a lot to learn within it. The concluding pages speak about love, and it’s right: when we’re in love, we always strive to become better than we are. There also is no reason for loving, one is loved because one is loved.
I understand that. I’ve always reiterated that love is choosing someone over and over again just because. There sometimes isn’t a sane rationale behind it, and that’s why love is scary. Love could be the difference between staying in an unhappy relationship and leaving one.
However, love is beautiful. It’s everything. I’d love to be in love.
I can’t wait.