Yesterday, I went to the gym. The body survived but I’m definitely not at the level that I used to be at. I used to be able to complete a round of high intensity interval training without dying, but yesterday I died. It’s ok, I’ll get back there. It’ll take time but I’ll be on top form soon enough.
I have a lot to be getting on with in my life now. Things regarding my sci-fi & fantasy meetup, my clothing line business plan, my craft and YouTube channel, the gym and social activities with friends. Tank and I are going for our facial this weekend so I’ll need to find somewhere suitable for our needs. I also want to start reading before bed. I did that last night – I finished one book and moved onto the next. It was nice.
Actually last night after returning from the gym, showering and reading, I meditated. Around 11:40pm I closed my eyes and started practicing my mindfulness. I then opened my eyes to find that it was 1am in the morning and I had unwittingly dozed off. Ha!
Last weekend is just a reverberation in the deepest part of my mind. Sometimes I find myself cringing when the memories find their way into the forefront of my mind but for the most part, I do not to think about it, nor do I talk to Cymric.
Like I said, I have a lot to be getting on with. Boys are cancelled this 2018. I say that, but guaranteed I’m going to meet someone tomorrow, fall in love and live happily never after. But really, I don’t need anyone right now. I’ve fulfilled my friendship/relationship quota with Tank. He’s all I need right now. I’m really happy. We don’t even talk to or see each other that often (outside of work) but just knowing there is someone out there who doesn’t find me deplorable is all the comfort I need.
* * *
I went to a young professionals meetup and now I feel suckish. It was a huge group of people in smaller clusters talking to one another. It’s just such a shame I wasn’t in the mood today. And now I feel my incompatibility more than anything.
I know how to talk to people, but it’s not the sort of conversation that leaves you best friends at the end of it. I just don’t click with people straight away. I talk to people and I just don’t feel energised by it. I feel daunted by the groups and I just can’t be bothered. So I leave after a short amount of time.
It’s not the first time I’ve been to these meetups. I tend to usually have a good time and meet people, especially when I’m in the mood. But I wasn’t feeling it today. I don’t think it’s the right way for me to make friends.
And I’m not feeling too great. It’s that time of the month and my internals hurt.
I need a hug.
I saw Igor today at work and we briefly exchanged pleasantries. It was nice talking to him. But that’s it. It was nice.
It’s just one of those days where I want nothing more than to be alone with a book but also to have someone there giving me snuggles.
Mmm books and snuggles.
But for real, I’ll always be that girl on the outside looking in, right?
* * *
I’m the complete opposite to what I *should* be. I’m a black girl who loves fantasy. Who can’t go a day without diving into a world full of magic and monsters. I’m a black girl who listens to rock music. With the more screaming the better. I’m a black girl who dresses tomboyish because she’s not entirely comfortable with her large chest. I’m a black girl who is weird AF. Who doesn’t always make sense but there’s a lot more than meets the eye.
I’ve always been different – this I know. But when it comes to finding my place in the world where I fit in outside of a relationship, this has become more obvious.
Being in a relationship where I was with someone who understood me and was home to me in every way kept me shielded from my otherness. Now it’s just glaring obvious.
I started my sci-fi & fantasy meetup with hopes that I’d meet people like me. Because it’s not exactly the average everyday guy who you’d expect to show up. Fantasy for me, especially books and games, is an escape. An excursion to a world that isn’t your own. And I think you need to be a special type of outcast to really get that. You can form special bonds with the characters that you can’t necessarily do with people in real life. You can live your life through the eyes of another and not concern yourself with your own troubles. Real life is too mainstream, as I like to say.
It’s actually nice to see girls, especially ethnic minority girls, join my meetup. I’m not so alone in my love for the weird and wonderful.
But I do live my truth. I don’t hide who I am or what I’m interested in but when encountering the everyday person, I’m not necessarily going to be having conversations about screamo emo music and dragons, am I?
And sometimes it’s not even the music or the fantasy that bonds me to people. I mean, come on, as if Tank is into anything I’m actually into. It’s just our ability to talk about nothing and everything at the same time. To talk about our interests and not feel judged. I don’t know. It’s weird. Because we’re different but it still feels easy with him.
Maybe that’s what it is. We’re both different, so we understand. We find it easier to accept each other. We can bask in our differentness together. And so it’s easy.
Yeah… I think that’s what it is…