Fucking annoyed.
Yes, it’s to do with him again.
Firstly, I don’t want to go into business with him. I don’t care how involved he wants to be, he will never be my business partner as long as he’s my boyfriend.
Secondly, him getting annoyed at me for going to sleep is ridiculous. He said we should watch a movie together and while I waited for him to actually put something on he was busy messaging his friends. Which is fine. You have friends who you talk to. Not a problem with me. But while he’s busy talking to his friends, what does he want me to do? Sit idly twiddling my thumbs? I told him nothing is happening so I’m going to sleep. And I went to sleep.
Then he got all stressy saying I’m getting upset at him for doing his own thing and that I’m complaining. Firstly, I wasn’t upset, sad, annoyed or angry at the fact that he was talking to his friend. I didn’t approach him with irritation in my voice. I was chilled. The whole situation was chilled. I wasn’t offended, but really, if I have nothing else to do then I’m going to find something to do, and sleep was that thing to do.
So he’s annoyed at me for no reason and to be honest that really upset me. I didn’t say anything, but I went to sleep with my heart racing. Proper palpitations that wouldn’t calm down.
Half the shit this relationship does to me.
So yesterday’s situation really confirmed to me that I really don’t want to go into business with him. We can’t go a day with some issue cropping up. I barely even see a future with him anymore. Quite frankly, I’m fed up. But really, what happens? We break up but we’re in business together? How does that work for anyone? How does that work for the business? I barely trust us to go a day with arguing, add a high pressured business environment to it and we’ll have nothing but a toxic relationship to come home to. Fuck that.
I said I’d give this relationship a chance instead of running when I face the smallest animosity. But this is getting out of hand. It’s not even me. It’s him too. I can’t be bothered.
Last night, I didn’t beg for his attention. I left him to his thing. This weekend when I was trying to do my own thing he wouldn’t leave me alone, saying I wasn’t giving him attention, bla, bla bla. He harassed me to the point where I had to leave what I was doing alone in annoyance just so that I could pay him some attention. Yesterday, I didn’t say a word. I didn’t do a thing. I didn’t throw myself at him, I didn’t complain at him, I didn’t do anything. I just went to sleep. Simple. Granted, it was a waste of an evening, I could have been at home doing my own thing, but it’s fine.
I’m fed up. I don’t know whether I should scream or cry. I’m tired. I can’t keep doing this anymore.
* * *
I try to avoid arguments when I can. I try to avoid escalations when I can. And I try to avoid offence when I can. But this relationship embodies all those things. I’ve never had so many disagreements with a single person in my whole life.
I can’t deal with it. I just want to cry.
I’m done. I really am.
It’s over.
* * *
It’s not over. He annoys the shit out of me, but it’s not over.
We argue over silly stuff but apart from that we’re not horrible to each other. I guess me getting so worked up over shit that happens means I care… Ew. Fuck him for making me care about him.
It’s funny how my immediate reaction is to always run away during an argument. Anyway, I won’t run, but I will ignore him for the time being.
That’ll do.