I look at people and I notice their little quirks. Random habits, or the way they move, and it makes me smile. I like it. It’s like a trademark. A stamp of authenticity that says, ‘this is me’.
* * *
I’m trying to expand on my chosen target market for my clothing brand; their personalities, lifestyle, values, etc. Although I’m absolutely knackered, doing this is better than laying in bed thinking about how alone I am. Being idle really is dangerous. Your mind starts to wander into territories that it shouldn’t even come close to visiting. That’s why I’m currently sat at my desk trying to work on my business plan.
I spoke briefly to a drunk Tank, he’s funny. He decided to tell me his favourite Elvis Presley song: Can’t Help Falling in Love. Then he proceeded to regurgitate his favourite quote. Such a strange boy. Anyway, our facial has been booked for tomorrow. We’re going to pretend we’re a couple so the people there don’t think he’s gay. Hahaha he said we should walk in hand in hand then he’ll say, “I’m here with my heterosexual girlfriend”. What a loser hahahaha!
Anyway, I’ve been thinking, and I really don’t think I’m cut out to be single. I’m ok alone. I’m happy alone, but I’m just itching to settle down and start a family. I’ve never gotten the desire so strongly in recent times. I’ve actually stopped wondering when and how I’d meet my forever. I just don’t see how I can meet someone – I don’t go anywhere or do anything – which is an absolute lie. I go everywhere and do everything, but that doesn’t mean I’ll meet people.
I started this meetup to make friends who would be like me. And I’m not even celebrating my success of getting 20 people to RSVP to my first event. I just feel like I’m not doing enough or I haven’t done enough.
Man, I’m so sleepy.
And my body is bruised. Leg day in the gym on Wednesday equals muscle soreness all day Thursday and Friday. I’ve been waddling around because it just hurts to move. I look ridiculous. But it will get easier. Once my body becomes accustomed to it again.
I haven’t been feeling attractive recently. I’ve been looking ok. My skin has cleared up and I’m definitely not as repulsive as I was a few weeks ago but I still don’t see that sexy Dera that I used to know. I think how you perceive yourself physically is directly proportional to your self esteem. I remember when I was single just before meeting Igor and I was feeling and looking 10 out of 10. Maybe just the realisation of my otherness has left me feeling a little bit emotionally raw.
But moving on… I’ve started doing this thing in the shower where I start off with nice warm water before switching it up to a shocking blast of cold water. It’s horrible and I don’t know why I do it, but apparently there are health benefits so why not? I’m a fucking weirdo. I do many things just because, without having a concrete reason why.
I think I’m going to get into my bed and… sleep. I wanted to say read, but I’m actually too tired to do that.