I’m horny. Get in my vagina now boyfriend!
Also Igor’s grandfather passed away today so that’s pretty sad. I wish I was with him. I don’t even know what to say. I tried acting normal and got a bit dramatic over the fact that someone used my toothbrush. Maybe being normal for him is what I should be doing? But I don’t want to be insensitive at the same time. Hence why the opening line of this entry is Dera-centered! Trying to just be myself.
And I’m fucking horny. I want to make love to my baby boy.
I have ridiculously strong feelings for him. Even photos of him sends my heart racing and the butterflies a-flutter. As in I want to fuck him as well as love him. I want to fuck and love him. I want to fucking love him. And I’m going to love fucking him.
I need to not call it fucking but I’m horny plus it’s catchy. I can’t say I want to make love to him and love him. That’s cheesy. Let’s leave the cheese and bring in the passion. The red, hot, raw and fiery passion.
Actually I feel like I’m almost in love but I think at the moment it’s just lust.
Is it shallow to just want to sleep with your boyfriend? That’s how it should work right? I’ve just never experienced having such sexual urges for anyone before. I want to sleep with him and exclusively him. He’s the only guy who’s ever organically turned me on. I only want his hands on my body. His lips, my lips, a conjoinment of sorts (definitely made that word up). Just to have his penis in my vagina. Rocking me back and forth. Holding me. Wanting me. Loving me. I want him and I want him bad.
He’s mine.
I want him forever. His goofy face. He’s 6’4″ Igorian body. His charismatic and charming self. Everything.
He treats me like I’m a goddess. He spoils me. I’ve been cheeky and looked up the prices of the gifts he got me for my 25th and Christmas. And they were not cheap. He spends a lot of money on me and I don’t know how to respond to that because I am such a saver and don’t buy things unless I have an incessant need for them. Plus I’m just not used to a guy doing the most for me. I’m usually the one who does the most, always. But it’s nice. It feels nice.
He really likes me. I think we’ll get married. Marriage isn’t the be all or end all. It isn’t the ultimate goal. But I do see a future where we’re together for forever. Whether that involves marriage or not, it doesn’t matter. He’s my forever-person.
Can’t believe I’m back on this topic again. I just have a lot of feelings for him! I can’t stop! What do I do?
Ok this is also now a forever-person-topic-free zone. Lies!
I want to talk about him more!
* * *
Can you fall in love with someone by just staring at their picture over and over again? I look at him and I get all twisted up inside…
His eyes. His smile. His being. Just drives me crazy. Fuck me. I’m infatuated by him. I want to be one with him.
I see him in three day. Three days. I can wait. Ramp up the horny then devour him.
I’m coming for him.
* * *
I’m reading Google again and I’m worried that I’m idealising my relationship with Igor. Like maybe I’m thinking it’s more than what it actually is. Igor is a nice guy. He’s amazing. But maybe I am deluding myself into thinking he’s so perfect.
I really am trying to remain pragmatic. Trying to see things clearly. What if he’s a dick and I’m not seeing it though?
I haven’t been in many relationships so perhaps I’m projecting? I did once upon a time think I was in love with my best friend and was legit convinced I was going to marry him until I got over my delusion and realised he was never for me.
Maybe it’s the same with Igor. What if he’s not for me and I’m just being an unnecessary hopeless romantic? Even though my intuition is very strong I could be wrong.
But Igor gives me butterflies in my stomach and vagina. He’s the only guy ever that’s been able to do that. He makes me feel good about myself, like I’m important. That’s why it’s different.
He cherishes me. It feels easy. And I’m happy. There’s an emotional connection. We’re just amazing together.
No guy even comes close to Igor. No one. Everything I’m feeling is all new. And I’ve definitely had guys who I’ve spent a lot of time with. But these feelings have never existed with them.
So I’m not crazy right?!
Fuck I’m going to start overthinking! Behave Dera! Behave!
I’m an avid believer in feeling what you feel in its entirety. Be sad. Be happy. Be whatever. Just feel. And I feel a lot for Igor. I don’t want to stifle my emotions because of societal norms. I want and need to trust myself.
And I trust that my feelings for Igor are genuine and he is my forever-person, maybe? Maybe.
Ok now I don’t think he’s my forever-person. I don’t think anything anymore. In fact, do I even like him?
I’m going to stop Googling shit.
* * *
Now that I think about it, all those guys I dated back in 2016 could never cut it because I wasn’t over that person whom cannot be brought into this ex-free zone that is my journal. I never allowed myself to like them because I just wasn’t in a position to.
But being emotionally free and available changes things. I was in a place where I could give myself to Igor. So maybe because I had the capacity to love, I was willing to give it to just anybody?
Overthinking… Overthinking…
But seriously. Do I like this guy or do I like the idea of him? Google said that that’s a possibility. But if I liked the idea of him, I wouldn’t talk about him as a person like I do. He’d just be a body to warm my bed. But he’s not.
He’s special.
I don’t know anymore! How should I be feeling? I don’t know because I’m 100% not desperate for love. I was happily single before he appeared and was prepared to remain that way for a long time. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. I didn’t want one. So it can’t be that I’m projecting false feelings onto him. Can it?
Oh fuck it. I’m going to bed.