I’ve left him. This is the final time. I promise!
But really, it was the right thing to do. We can’t keep doing this dance; back and forth, back and forth.
I’ve clearly lost interest and out of respect it’s best I leave the relationship. For his sake and mine.
It went on longer than it should and apparently my personality type find it difficult to end relationships, which is true, and I don’t want to get stuck in a cycle where I’m so afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. So this time it is final!
* * *
I’m definitely not going to pursue anything other than friendship with Cymric. I want to be single for a while. I think that’ll be good for me.
Of course, there is a fear there that I’ll meet no one or I’ll keep meeting the wrong person until I’m old and withered or I just won’t be able to fall in love with anyone. Obviously I’m an overthinker and I need to not get stuck in my head. I want to be a strong person. A singleton who can derive the fulfilment she needs from friends and family.
Igor really likes me and wants me. It’s sad that he imagines a future with only me but I don’t feel the same way. In the beginning I was so taken by him. I was infatuated. Crazily so. But all the arguments and the questioning and probably even the insecurities got the better of me.
Initially I felt so misunderstood by him. But it wasn’t until he finally understood what I needed from him that things started to get much better but it was too late. I’d already started to check out. I think for a four month relationship things were just too rocky. I wasn’t able to find a safe space in him.
I don’t like arguments and I will internalise everything and come to a conclusion that it occurred because the other party didn’t like who I am. That, of course, is something I personally need to work on.
Maybe feelings for Igor could have returned if I’d given things a chance, but I don’t think so. Maybe he would have been perfect for me. Maybe he is. But this relationship is too far gone. He is everything I want but I need to let go of the past first. Let go of the perception I have of him. The only way we can work is to wipe the slate clean and start again. But no. Let’s not do this! It’s over. He’s not for me.
I’m yet to meet my forever…