So Tank and I went to have our facials today. It was good! We both walked into the room and were told to strip down so that our shoulders were exposed. So I had to take my top off and stand there in my bra, while he went topless. I was cracking up because that shit had the potential to be awkward but it was just funny.
Anyway despite all that, we had a very nice joint facial where the woman took turns to do facial stuff to our faces. Some couple shit that was. Then we went to a book shop to peruse the shelves, walked around some clothes stores, ate pizza and then went our separate ways. It was a good day.
My attractiveness has gone back up. I look good! I think it’s a self esteem thing. I probably don’t look any different to how I did yesterday but today, I’m clearly perceiving myself very differently.
I’m going to church tomorrow, or at least I’m going to try to remember to go to church. I want to give it a go. Let’s see if I can stick to this.
* * *
So I was just thinking about mine and Cymric’s almost-sexcapade and I realise that I’ve come a very long way with sex. I used to be a static brick being ploughed. But now I fully participate. I moan. I dirty talk. I move my body. And I enjoy myself. There really is a massive contrast between me now and me a few years ago.
I never used to enjoy sex. It was just something I did. And most of the time, I’d rather not do it. It was boring, it didn’t feel good and it was a chore more than anything. But being with Igor really opened me up to my sexuality. He worked with me to get me to a place where I actually felt comfortable and got wet. And he gave me the best sex of my life. Sex that I actually enjoyed. For once!
Jomi wasn’t or isn’t a bad person. And I don’t think we were sexually incompatible. I think there’s potential to enjoy sex with anyone. As long as both parties are willing to open themselves up to the moment and lay themselves bare. It’s a vulnerability. You think me telling Cymric to have his way with me, or him slapping my arse or putting his hands to my throat and me allowing and liking it doesn’t take vulnerability?! You think him allowing his raw insatiable hunger for vagina overcome his senses doesn’t take vulnerability?
Humans in a lustful state is not something we show to the world. It “reduces” us to an animalistic version of ourselves. So it’s not something we show our families or friends. It’s almost shameful if we do and so it’s something that stays within the private moments of our lives. It’s intimate and intimacy takes vulnerability.
I’ve learnt to be ok with my sexuality. It was a struggle. Because I already had this deep rooted belief that I was broken. I was already defeated. And being with someone who never expressed their innate sexual desire made me feel like there was something wrong with me. But I know there were wild things within Jomi that he’d want to play out, but he was always so placid (and sometimes even flaccid) during sex. That did a lot to destroy my self confidence when it came to sex.
I had to build it up after I broke up with him. I slept with guys casually to prove to myself that I wasn’t broken and lo and behold, my vagina worked. I got wet at the touch of a finger. Sex didn’t feel like a task on a checklist. It felt pleasurable.
That rawness. That hunger in Cymric was all it took. We didn’t even have vaginal sex. But that moment. The fire. It was something worth remembering. Because that right there was some real shit. It was wild and rough. It was two humans connected in a moment of vulnerability. And that was enough.
* * *
I actually have ‘going to church’ and ‘having wild sex’ in the same entry. God forgive us all.