My baby is back! I’ve literally needed him these past few days and now he’s finally here. The only thing is, I just haven’t been with it recently and so I’m not really myself.
Where do I start? Me living my own real life horror story or my period being five days late?
Ok, my period. It’s late. By five days. I’ve tried to calculate different ways where it won’t be late, i.e. Calculating when it should be due if my previous period wasn’t early. Calculating when it should be due from the beginning of my last period. Calculating how late it needs to be before it’s officially late late. And it’s officially late late now. Regardless of what my calculations are, it is five days late (the latest it’s ever been in my whole life) from when my last period started and it’s one day late from when I should be due if my last period wasn’t early. I have been getting slight cramps since yesterday. Nothing major. Cramping for an hour and then nothing for the rest of the day. But I guess that means my period is imminent.
I’ve tried everything to get it to start. I’ve had sex. I’ve drank orange and pineapple juice. I even had a near orgasm which should have helped with getting things flowing. Nothing. I feel like there’s no blood in there. The last time I saw blood was around the time I should have ovulated. I spotted for a bit; it was there but barely visible. I’ve never bled between cycles so it was strange for me but I just put it down to ovulation bleeding because of the emergency pill. But I may not have ovulated at all and just bled for no reason.
I still have no PMS symptoms. My boobs don’t hurt and I’m barely cramping. I seriously think the pill has broken me. I don’t even think I’m pregnant. My whole cycle is a mess so who knows what’s happening in there? For all I know, I’m ovulating right now and my period won’t come for another two weeks or something. I’ve just been so stressed and worried that I’ve been in my head for the whole weekend. I hate period stress.
My mind has definitely been elsewhere. Not only have I been ridiculously sleepy for the past few days, but I also don’t seem to be functioning properly. I dropped my phone and smashed the screen yesterday. I then underestimated how close to the edge of the bed I was and went to place my laptop beside me and dropped it on the floor instead. I just wanted to hide from the world. I was failing miserably at being alive. All I wanted to do was cry.
And to make matters even more complex, I’m living in a horror movie. Why is my life like this?!
The whole situation with Kirby just isn’t getting better. When I spoke with him on Sunday, after going back home to his parents, he told me he was back in Deraland but had been kicked out of his accommodation here and so had nowhere to stay. He was roaming around town not really doing anything. He went into the office because work was the only place he could go to with electricity. He then asked if he could stay at my place and I said he could – I was hoping Telis would be reluctant and tell me not to allow him, but he didn’t say anything so I gave Kirby the access codes to my room, which means he can now enter my room at any time.
After dropping his stuff off at my place, Kirby came over to Telis’ flat to sit and chat with us for a bit. When he left, Telis could also see that he wasn’t in his right frame of mind and knew there and then that it was a mistake for me to give him the codes to my room.
Monday came and Telis and I went to CapitalCity for a carnival. My friend Sana came along and met him too. It was lovely. Telis and I danced and he got to see a bit of my culture which was good! We then went back to Deraland and I needed to go back to my place to get some clothes as I was staying over Telis’ place that night.
Upon my arrival into my room, I was instantly lost for words. The whole room was steamy and damp, Kirby’s and my stuff was all over the floor and I couldn’t compute what exactly was happening. Kirby was in my bathroom doing God-knows-what and I was generally confused. I called out to him and he said he was cleaning my bathroom as a way to say thank you for letting me stay. I went into my bathroom to see, to my astonishment, that everything was all over the place. And wet. Every surface was saturated and I didn’t know if I should cry or just leave.
I made to start drying every surface and putting everything back to where it should have been while Kirby packed to leave and Telis kept himself composed. My razor head was missing, my shower gel was pretty much empty, my pack of antibacterial wipes had been ripped open; everything just wasn’t as it should be. He left and I was deflated. Emotionally gone.
I was already pretty defeated from the constant worrying over my missing period. Now I had to deal with my friend who wasn’t dealing very well with himself.
I reached out to his sister on Facebook to keep her updated on what was going on with him but he was basically hiding from the police and his parents and no one really knew what he was doing or where he was going.
He came into work today and spoke to HR himself. The story he told was different to what he told me or what I’d heard from his sister, but at least he’ll be going back home with his parents and seeing a doctor.
Anyway, Sana met Telis and she said he’s nice and isn’t an airhead and that he really likes me and he’s genuinely interested in my culture. Which is all true. I’m so happy he’s back. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time these past few days and it’s nice to have him to lean on. Especially with the whole Kirby situation and fucking up at work and my missing period.
We went to the gym together on Sunday. It was fun. Actually having him there motivates me to work hard and push myself further. I think we’ll be sexy in no time.
On Saturday, I got myself drunk because I wanted to have wild sex with him. I’ve just been so stuck in my head that I haven’t wanted to have sex. But in my drunken state, I was mean to him. I actually feel terrible. I told him he was fat and he should lose weight. Which, for my standards, is horrible! I’m appalled. There’s a way to say things but every form of diplomacy went straight out of the window and I was just plain rude. I know I hurt him and I feel so bad. I’m disappointed in myself because being drunk isn’t an excuse. I love him and I didn’t mean it as explicitly as it sounded. I’m already an honest person and fair enough, he called him fat but I don’t think I have any right to tell him what to do about it. Being drunk just didn’t help. And why I brought up his body in the first place is beyond me. I need to make it up to him.
I think I’ll take a pregnancy test today or go to the doctor. Today was the deadline I gave myself before I escalated my situation. I know I’m not pregnant but what else can I do? I need to check at least one box so I have less things to worry about.
Understandably, the pill must have delayed my period. That I can accept. If my hormones are all over the place from taking a pill over a month ago, then fair enough, but I’ve had no PMS symptoms to indicate that my period is coming. Even if it is going to be late, I should have sore breasts or something. But fair enough again if I don’t. I hadn’t been cramping until yesterday. In that situation, when the cramps appear, I either start spotting or my period begins within the next day but I haven’t even seen a hint of blood.
I made sure I had sex last night in case my period was ready to start from all that cramping, but my cervical juices were as clear as day. Not even a spec of red. But the cramping could also be an indication of ovulation, but that doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. So I’ll see a doctor and get some answers.