The fact that I have nothing much to write about shows how at peace I am within myself. I’m not really thinking of anything and the most troubling thing in my life right now is the bump I have next to my conch piercing.
I have had some brief relapses. The thinking, the questioning, the sadness but it doesn’t overwhelm me. I think this time it’s normal because it’s to do with my ex. I have a lot of things that remind me of him. Especially me pursuing my craft. I started it as a hobby when we broke up the first time and because I was single, sad, but living my best life I was making good progress with it. I built a large following and everything was going great.
Now I’m at a similar high where I’m really pushing myself to do more with my craft and it reminds me of that single and sad period. I don’t want my craft to remind me of sadder days because then I think of him. I think of what we had. And then I question.
I do miss him. But not in the way where I want to be with him. I miss him as a friend. He was my best friend before he was my lover and we were close. So close. There are so many things happening that I wish I could share with him. But it’s fine. I’m happy.
I don’t know what really pursuing my craft means to me subconsciously, but I feel a reluctance every time I have to start a new project. I feel like I’ve either attached some negative connotation to it or I’m a little bit apprehensive in case I fail, hence the anxiety and palpitations. Whatever it is, I need to push past the resistance and build my success.
All in all, I’m in a good place. I’m happy. Things with Igor are perfect. We feel normal – yes, that made me laugh. Because it was the pursuit of normality that drove me crazy in the first place. But we really do feel normal. I’m no longer checking myself. I now see him as a regular human being who I can just be myself around. It’s nice.
Now that I’m seeing things from a place of sanity and I no longer have my intuition taunting me with whispers of a supposed forever-person, I can see things progressing positively with him. He’s a great person and I’m happy when I’m around him. I find him plentifully attractive and so for the foreseeable future, I’ll definitely be sticking to this one.
Also, will January end already…?! I feel like the whole of 2018 has come and gone and yet somehow we’re still only at the very beginning of the year.