I don’t know if I can be friends with Cymric anymore. It’s strange because I slept with Robin yet we still remained friends. I think the difference is in the fact that I want Cymric in a way that I haven’t wanted someone before. But who knows? Who cares? Either way, I may have to let this one go.
* * *
I am yearning to settle down. I haven’t felt this compulsion so strong before. It’s different to wanting just companionship. I want a husband. I want a family. I want these things but with the right person. And I know that if I want it to be right, I have to wait. So wait I will wait. And when it happens, it’ll happen right.
I don’t like dating for fun. For me, it’s forever or nothing. I just worry about my naivety and how I can fall victim to dishonest intentions so easily. I need to be careful.
I went to church today. It was just nice seeing a community of people come together for a greater cause. Feeling like you have no one was spoken about quite a bit. It struck a cord, because oftentimes I do feel alone and today I was reminded that I am not alone and that God is with me. I did shed a tear or two, because I don’t want to feel that way. But I do. And being an outcast is something that I’ve accepted but maybe it shouldn’t be?
I know I keep saying it, but it really does mean so much to me. Tank has been a great blessing to my life. He came at a time when I was feeling my lowest and he picked me up with his kindness, acceptance and questionable sense of humour. Because of him, I feel like I have a sense of belonging. And it’s nice. But I can’t pin all my expectations on one person.
So perhaps I do need that community that church brings. I’m already putting myself out there. I’ve joined the gym, I’m about to leave for Salsa class (then will go to the gym straight after), I’ve started my meetup, also working on a clothing line will force me to go to events where I will meet new people.
I’m doing all the right things, I just hope it yields good results.
* * *
I wish I’d seen Linkin Park live. I’m watching live performances on YouTube and just wow.
I’m just thinking about my childhood and I never did anything or went anywhere. I wonder if my childhood was stifled. Maybe that’s why I have no friends. I see people who went to school together remaining friends for years and years. I’ve never maintained such long standing friendships ever. I never really built that outside-of-school relationship with anyone. I went to birthday parties and cinema days with friends, but they were rare and definitely not enough to form close best friendships with anyone.
I wish I’d gone to concerts as a child. I feel like seeing Linkin Park is such a missed opportunity. Especially now that Chester is dead. Heartbreaking really. I don’t know. I know there’s more to life than having friends. But do you understand how much it feels like a curse to be such a friendly person, so outgoing and open and so very willing to go above and beyond, but yet still feel so alone and misunderstood?
Yes, life goes on, people go their separate ways, but it’s literally only me who hasn’t been able to maintain a close friendship with at least one person from their childhood. Everyone else seems to manage it. But not me. Even friends from university, apart from Junior and Sana, where are they? I don’t want to keep thinking about my own loneliness. I’m already starting to get whispered thoughts of maybe killing myself in my head, and that’s not a road I want to go down. I refuse to be depressed over this. It’s not even a big deal. But I can’t help feeling maybe there’s something wrong with me? Why can’t I keep anyone in my life?
It begs the question of whether I’ll ever actually have anyone in my life forever. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
So, I ask again, I’ll always be that girl on the outside looking in, right?
* * *
My heart is so broken and I’m scared I’ll do something stupid. All I want to do is run away from my thoughts but they’ll forever be with me. I wish I could see past the fog and understand that beyond my periphery view are all those that love me. But I just want to hide away.
I truly am all alone.