Thursday, 29 September, 2022

My period has come and pretty much gone, so still infertile.

Daye has given birth to her daughter so that’s nice. It’s kind of bittersweet as we were pregnant together but she gets to take home her baby, while I’m left with… nothing.

I understand that I’m cursed and I also understand that we live in an unjust world. Except, the world is only unjust to those who deserve it least.

Every time I read about or see adults mistreating their children, or raising them badly, the unfairness just reverberates around my existence. It really is true what I said before. Life just looks for the best way to make the most fucked up people it can. Life doesn’t care about us.

If there’s a God, they don’t care about us. Not everything in this life has to be a lesson, or a way of judgement. Sometimes existing without worry or strife is enough.

I used to believe that you receive back the energy you put out. I always tried to be positive but my god, life has really proven that there’s fuck all you can do to prevent your own suffering. It’s been two fucking years and I’m still on this infertility shit. Like fuck! I’m going into my third year of infertility.

And what sucks the most is not having a reason why! Why is this happening? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get pregnant? Why am I bleeding month in month out if my reproductive system doesn’t want to function as it should? What’s the fucking point of it all?

It’s just fucking tiring. It’s fucking disheartening and I hate it!

I just want to know why. Is it physiological? Is it psychological? Is it spiritual? Did I offend someone? Hurt someone? Is this my fault? Did I do or say something I shouldn’t have? Why couldn’t I keep my baby? Why do I still have to live this fucking miserable and dire existence?

Infertility is like the worst thing that can befall someone, why does this have to be my struggle? I want answers! I want someone to answer me. I shout my questions out into the universe but receive nothing back. I try to meditate and connect to the spirits, maybe one of them will answer me, but who am I kidding, I can’t hear them. I can’t talk to them. I’m just stuck in this life of not knowing.

Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. I’m fucking tired! I’m hurt and I’m tired! I fucking want to be done. Everything I’ve fucking wanted and dreamed about, I got the worst denial of them all.

Every pregnancy and birth is going to be such a stake through my heart. How do I show up for those I love when I’m hurting that they get to have what I can’t? It’s so hard putting on that brave face, so how do I do it? How can I keep them in my life while keeping them at a distance so as to protect myself?

It’s just so unfair all around.

Can someone just talk to me and give me an answer please?!