Heart palpitations. Why?!
What am I anxious about now? I actually don’t know. My heart’s just misbehaving.
I’ll write my shit out and see what comes of it. Is it Igor? Is it all the pressure I’m putting on myself to be successful?
Let’s explore the Igor arc. Am I nervous about seeing him on Saturday? Maybe? I’m probably not. I don’t know.
Ok, so pressure to be successful? Definitely not!
So why is anxiety here?!!
Igor… I think I’m just nervous to see him. Even though it’s been a week, I like him and so I’m nervous. Yup, that’s what I’m going on. Nerves.
Ok! So we were talking about investing in property and he said he’s a bit worried about getting a mortgage incase something bad happens in the future, like he loses his job, and he can’t keep up with his mortgage repayments. I said, “well, that’s why you get married”, because you know, having another stream of income to keep things afloat helps.
Then he said, jokingly (I hope), that he’s never getting married. Anyway as he was ready to backtrack I just said it was none of my business and changed the subject. The prospect of marriage isn’t a conversation that needs to be had just yet.
Ok, also, back on the topic of getting a mortgage; he said that he might move back to Igorland in five years so he’d have to sell the mortgage or whatever.
So even though all these potential scenarios are years away, what does it say for our future?
Now I feel sad.
None of these are conversations for now. But I really do see a future with him so these will be conversations for when exactly?
Anyway let’s pep talk the anxiety away! Yay…!
Right, Igor and I are very new and there are no definite plans for either of our futures. Everything is hypothetical at the moment and I have no reason to feel sad over a future that isn’t even set in stone.
People change. Plans change. And there’s nothing to say that, providing Igor is my forever-person, we won’t get married. Nor is there nothing to say that he’ll move back to Igorland and leave me here in Deraland.
Basically I have no reason to worry about the future because it’s futile and nothing will come out of it other than more worry and stress.
I’m also worried that I’ll eventually feel less for Igor or I won’t be able to maintain my emotions for him. I’m scared that my fear of losing my freedom and my strive for success will force me to choose between love and my dream. I’d probably put my ambition ahead of him. And that scares me. I just don’t see any way of balancing all of this.
Yes, so I’m probably less anxious about the future than I thought I was and it more about the fact that my feelings for him might change for the worse and I don’t want that to happen.
This probably goes back to prior relationships where the relationship was my all and it wasn’t until my heart was broken and I was alone that I was able to achieve a level of success. When in relationships, I was held back and there was no room to grow.
This is starting to look familiar. The first month with Igor was us spending all our time together, which I absolutely loved, at the expense of our own personal gains. And because I wasn’t working on my craft I wasn’t progressing and that was hard to live with.
If I was to work on my craft I’d have to sacrifice my time with Igor and I worry I’d happily sacrifice all my time and not see him… Ever.
How do I juggle everything? I want him but I also want success and I know the two aren’t mutually exclusive but the reason I wanted to stay single was so that I could work hard on my craft and be in a position that surpasses where I am now. Getting into a relationship put a massive spanner in the works and I’ve fucking stalled. Relationships are a distraction and I don’t want one!
But I want Igor. So something has got to give. I need to find a way to schedule in my hobbies while maintaining a healthy relationship with the man I’m infatuated with.
And yes, we’re fucking getting married. I don’t care.
* * *
I think I’m haunted by my past relationship. I know this is an ex-free zone but this is important because it’s still affecting me.
I keep comparing what’s happening in my relationship with Igor with what happened with my ex.
I was long distance with him for two years and it resulted in the majority of our conversations being over the phone and WhatsApp. Sometimes there was nothing to say and so the conversation was dead and that to me was the relationship falling apart. Well the relationship did fall apart. But communicating via WhatsApp and having the conversation fall short sets alarm bells ringing. Especially with Igor.
My ex’s counsellor did say that me and him shouldn’t talk everyday or there’d be nothing to talk about. That we should give ourselves space. But how the fuck do I tell Igor we need to talk less when I’ve already told him we need to see each other less. What’s next? Breakup?
I just don’t want a repeat of the past. I know Igor and I are in a good place but I can’t help but think we’ll end up like me and my ex if the same patterns keep reappearing. I really need to separate the two but it’s hard because one affected me so adversely.
I really am self sabotaging. And it’s nothing other than fear. I’m getting too far stuck in my own head and it’s not doing me any good.
Seeing familiar predicaments doesn’t automatically spell doom but I can’t help how I feel. I really just want to be but I’m not allowing myself to.
He’s not my ex. He’s nothing like my ex. They’re two completely separate entities who have nothing to do with each other. I need to focus on all the good things in our relationship. The amazing person Igor is. The way he makes me feel.
And he makes me feel, he makes me feel, he make me feel like a natural woman.
* * *
I’m just dramatic. We’re all good. I’m completely crushing on him and he’s mine!
The end.
(fucking tired of myself)
* * *
So, a year ago today, I was proposed to. I had a man get down on his knees with a beautiful diamond ring in a box and he asked me to be his wife.
I said yes.
365 days later I am no longer engaged and I’m with a completely different man. How a year can change things.
I’m not even sad. It’s just that a year ago I never expected to be here. So it’s surprising. But that’s what life is about, right? Spontaneity and surprises.
I’m all for taking life as it comes and no regrets, so here’s to another year full of surprises – I just hope they’re good ones.