I reached out to Igor today and we briefly met for coffee. Regardless of what was or wasn’t said, the only thing I took away from it was that he blames me completely and nothing was his fault. Needless to say, I won’t be reaching out to him again. I make it sound like it was a hostile rendezvous. It was pretty civil and we were kind to each other – so civil in fact, that he spoke to me as if I was a stranger. He had an air about his voice as if he was the king of the world and had to keep shit formal. Anyway that chapter’s closed. I never mind being seen as the villain in a break up, because each party will blame the other, inevitably. What’s annoying is that he doesn’t even want to take part of the blame. At least I was willing to hold my hands up and say that I played my part. But whatever.
Cymric said people like Igor create toxic situations. They play the victim card and use blame to manipulate. That he did to me plenty times. And I’d always feel bad and reconsider the situation. That’s why it took about a million years for us to break up properly. One of my first journal entries I wrote about him was on how I was annoyed because he was telling me shit like ‘I shouldn’t be interested in him. I have other friends to focus on’, bla, bla, bla. Painting himself the poor victim and unsuspecting Dera, of course, falling for it. He can apportion blame anyhow he wants. I’m past caring.
I’m not a fucking saint, but it’s funny how all my problems suddenly alleviated the moment I got rid of him. I fucking blame him and rightly so!
I thought it would be nice to catch up but if anything, I think this just makes me dislike him even more. I was right, I can’t be friends with this guy. Time to cancel him.
#CANCELLED!
I feel like I create drama for myself. Especially when nothing scandalous is happening in my life. Now I have something to vent about.
* * *
So regarding Cymric… If he ever messages me, do I respond or do I do that ghosting thing that millennials and generation Z’ers seem to be so fond of? I mean, for someone who gets ridiculously hurt from losing people, the way I am happily throwing away loved ones is concerning. Am I ok?
I actually don’t want him to reach out. I know I definitely won’t…
But what do I tell him? ‘Oh, well you see Cymric, it’s either we carrying on being “friends” where I secretly detest you for giving me one of the most pleasurable moments of my life while simultaneously rejecting me or I never talk to you again and I move on with my life not having to face the rejection every time we talk.’
There’s only one right answer.
Word of advice journal: Never sleep with a guy you want to keep around. Unless they’re Robin. You can sleep with Robin.
I didn’t sleep with Cymric and even if I had we still could have been friends, had I not asked that question and been rejected. So in a way, it is my fault, but at least I know.
‘If you weren’t in Cymricland, do you think you and I would be together?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Like, if you were still living in Deraland’
‘No’
Nice.
(At least he was honest. Got to give credit where credit is due. Doesn’t stop me from being bitter though).
* * *
And right on cue he messages me to thank me for returning a package he ordered that I couldn’t bring with me to Cymricland. I said, ‘no worries’. And that’s that.
I’m taking two days off from the gym. I went on Saturday and Sunday and my whole body is crying out no. Even my legs are still suffering from last week’s ordeal.
I need a quote for May. I really liked April’s, ‘Don’t paint me black when I used to be golden’. Somehow, for some reason, it speaks to me. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I have such a bright personality, akin to the sun, but I have had moments when I’ve spiralled into darkness. I don’t wanted to be painted with a brush that brands me as a depressive person when that isn’t me at all. I need to guard myself from external triggers, like from, for example, he who has been cancelled.
* * *
I’ve food poisoned myself. I ate a salmon pasta that’s been in the fridge for like 3 weeks. I knew this would happen but I went along with it anyway.
But moving on, while I die inside, I’m thinking about Igor and the victimisation of himself. How he shifts the blame to me, and me being the biggest self-blamer, accepting it and thinking everything is my fault. I knew there was a reason I was so miserable with him but I could never actually say why.
There are many instances that I may or may not have recorded in my journal (maybe I was too busy looking within for the cause that I wasn’t paying much attention elsewhere, i.e. to he who has been cancelled) where he has shifted the conversation to somehow blame me for how I’m apparently always blaming him. There was one time where I hadn’t said a single negative thing about him, in fact, I hadn’t said anything about him, and somehow he found a way to bring up the fact that I’ve never appreciated him, that I always do one bad thing or another, etc. And I was like wtf… Like everything he was saying was so irrelevant to the conversation and of course, I would argue back and shit would spiral.
Like do you remember, journal, when he got annoyed at me for going to bed because nothing was happening and how he said it was because I was “angry” that he was talking to his friends, when I really didn’t give two shits. Then he got annoyed at me for being annoyed when I wasn’t even annoyed and then that escalated. Fuck I wish he could see what he was doing to me. I don’t know if he ever realised.
Then the one instance I didn’t fight back, where I just said, ‘I can’t be bothered’, he proceeded to write me an essay telling me how terrible I am. I replied, ‘ok’, because I was tired. Yes, it was tiring. He was draining my emotional energy and I no longer had the strength to fight back. That’s when he left me alone. Or else I would have been strung along forever.
I want to go back through my journal and see how many instances this has happened that I never realised. I need to stop looking within myself for faults and understand that when I’m not myself, it’s not necessarily because of me.
* * *
Reading back, I did blame myself a lot and I was always trying to justify my behaviour. I blamed my past, I blamed my insecurities, I blamed everything to do with me. But I’ve read multiple passages where I’ve said he always thinks I’m blaming him or I try to explain something to him and he’d think I was using that as a personal attack towards him. I never clocked on to his manipulation. I always fell for it.
Am I so hopeless that I’d be so duped easily?
Anyway, I’m ridiculously unwell and now know not to eat old fishy pasta. Fuck my life.