So things escalated today, as they naturally would. We didn’t have sex but I did want him to want me and touch me and see me, as I naturally would. But then I shut down and went inside myself when he wanted to snuggle me while we were naked. It’s not the sort of shutting down that leaves you regretful, it’s more akin to not wanting to expose yourself to someone. Being vulnerable requires trust in not only the other person, but yourself. I feel like I’ll be wrong to trust him. Especially if his intentions aren’t pure. I’d be a fool again.
Intimacy is something I’m not ready for. It requires letting go completely and I cannot do that. I’m still too guarded and don’t yet have the emotional freedom with him that’s required. If sex is reduced to something purely physical with him, I don’t think I’d be able to connect my emotions to it.
Snuggles are an intense form of intimacy. Sex is the easy part! I’d sooner have sex with him than snuggle, granted I block and ignore him thereafter.
Intimacy really requires a lot more emotional vulnerability and it makes being single so much more attractive. I just don’t want to open myself up to anyone. I can’t afford another heartbreak. I’m not doing that to myself again.