Category: Journal

I’m famous!

One of the people I reached out to about my marketplace knew who I was from my YouTube videos. Amazing!

I almost quit my job at like midnight today. I just don’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t even go into work today. Can someone just give me a new job, pleeeeease!

I’m using a free platform for my marketplace, I think it’s a good way to launch my MVP. I just need to find a way and an incentive to get vendors to join – my fame can’t be the only driver.

I’ve started reaching out individually to vendors for my marketplace. I’m doing a soft launch – basically a launch that doesn’t have a dedicated start date, I’m just trying to garner interest here and there. I’ve had a few responses already and I can’t wait until my first vendor signs up!

I went to a wedding on Saturday with Telis, it was a uni friend’s big day and it was nice seeing her and other old friends. The only bad thing was we came back with food poisoning. Throughout Sunday, I was bed ridden and both Telis and I were taking it in turns to empty our bowels of nothing other than water. I’m still feeling its effect this morning but I’m much better than yesterday.

I told Telis on Saturday that I was spiralling. I could recognise that I was and I was try hard to know it was just a consequence of my mental state but I couldn’t help the thoughts that were coming into my head. I was contemplating suicide and I told him. The thoughts just kept coming; ‘maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I got cancer. Perhaps I should jump in front of the train.’ I’m stupid, I know but I’m out of my stupor. No more spiralling. I think my marketplace will be a good distraction. It’ll give me something else to focus on apart from all the not-so-bad things that are happening in my life.

All I want to do is cry. I’m trying my hardest not to upset myself but I just feel terrible. I really struggled to get out of bed this morning.

I think my self-esteem has taken a little knock and now I feel less than. I feel worthless.

Journal, I’m conflicted.

I don’t have that overwhelming desire to spend the rest of my life with Telis, or anyone for that matter. I’m scared that I never will.

The thought of Telis proposing to me isn’t something I give much attention to – the moment it’s in my head, I try not to think about it because all I can see is myself saying no and then running away. It’s probably just fear after having a failed engagement. I can think of him being the father of my kids without recoiling away but even that has its limits.

I wish I could see a forever with someone, anyone. But when I think of Telis, I just wonder if I’ll forever be not attracted to him. If there will come a day where I just look at him and think that I could have found someone more physically suited to my taste. And even worse; if I meet someone I do find attractive and start resenting Telis for me being in a relationship with him.

He’s so loving and everything I say I want in a man but I can’t help that he isn’t everything I want in a man… physically. He doesn’t repulse me, but he doesn’t excite me either. I wish looks just weren’t as important. I wish it could be as simple as getting along well with someone, but amicability is only half of it.

I hate that I sometimes worry that people will judge me based on what he looks like. And sometimes I just don’t really want to be seen with him in a romantic capacity. It was worse when he dressed terribly, but at least his dress sense has gotten better. He just isn’t any slimmer, so he isn’t any more attractive in my eyes.

All I can do is take the relationship day by day as I have been doing for the past nine months, but a time will come when I need to make a decision for my long term future and I don’t think I’ll be ready to do that, now or even one year down the line.

He thinks he makes me sad, but he doesn’t. I make me sad because in my head I’m thinking these thoughts and I wish I wasn’t.

I know I can’t have everything. Something has got to give but are there other things I’d rather sacrifice than physical attractiveness?

I feel so helpless.

Company R basically rejected me. They found someone who had the experience they required but they said they really liked me and they’d try to create a more junior role for me so that I’d have the support of someone more senior but this role wouldn’t be coming now or any time soon. Thanks…!

I’m just sad and frankly, quite annoyed. 

I really don’t know what else I can do. It always comes down to the same thing – my lack of experience. What exactly have I been doing these past three years that I just look so useless in front of everyone? I’m fed up. I really cannot be bothered anymore.

What’s the point of being likeable? Just fuck it all. Fuck ‘em all.

I feel more and more stuck. Like there’s nothing out there for me. I currently have two opportunities but why even try? Even when I put in time and effort to learn everything that I need to know, it still isn’t enough. Why do I try? Fucking useless.

I give up.

I’ve applied to a role at a startup that’s located 100 miles away with 2pm – 10pm working hours. It’s just stupid that I’ve gotten past the first interview stage. I actually wanted to be rejected, but here we are again. Fuck.

Yesterday, I had such a terrible migraine. I had to dim the brightness on my laptop screen and monitor to the lowest setting. It was horrible. When I got home I didn’t feel any better because I received a letter from my doctor.

I went to the hospital last week to have a colposcopy because of the abnormal cells in my cervix the smear test revealed. While there with a male, Fridarian doctor’s face in my vagina I laid chatting away with the nurses as he prodded away at my cervix. It was a very comfortable experience but to make it even worse he decided I should get a biopsy. At this point I was scared because he’d be using a tool to cut away a piece of my cervix and pain in the private areas is not what anyone wants. Anyway, he did a biopsy on two areas and to say I felt violated afterwards would be an understatement. 

I know it was for the benefit of my health, but he took away pieces of me with my whole vag on show and that’s a vulnerability that isn’t fun to expose. I cramped for a good day and then my period started and so I cramped some more. The worse thing was that I wasn’t able to have sex or put anything inside my vagina, so when my period started, I couldn’t even use my menstrual cup and so I was terrified that I’d be leaking everywhere. Fortunately, I didn’t stain the bed, only my blue pair of Levi jeans, but it’s fine; it washed out.

Now, back to yesterday. I got home with a crazy headache and a letter from my doctor. Upon opening it, I swear I must have had a mini heart attack. Apparently the HPV infection was misreported as low risk and was actually high risk HPV positive. Fun. And to make things even more exciting, he used the C word in the letter. He said he’d removed pre-CANCEROUS cells during the biopsy and had sent it off for a histology. Cool. 

My head hurt too much for me to even understand what the letter was saying. I was a bit worried and although it is high risk, it’s also low grade so it has the potential of going away on its own and not becoming cancer. Regardless, I got over it and slept like a baby. But I’m seriously considering making a baby as soon as possible in the unfortunate case that I have to have my uterus removed.

The weekend was nice. Telis got to meet my aunties. The aunty born after my mother is so traditional and was shocked to find out Telis and I were living together without even being married. I was just like, haha whatever. Definitely not a big deal.

I’m not going to lie, I still get scared of commitment with him. Forever is a very long time and what if he isn’t for me or I start finding other men attractive and want to leave him. I’m a faithful person but what if I’m destined to be with a model who isn’t chubby.

Relationships suck.

Yesterday would have been my wedding day.

So today, Telis met some of my extended family. It’s my sister’s 21^st so we drove down to CapitalCity to celebrate with her.

This month in general has been good. I threw Telis a surprise party for his 30^th. My guy didn’t suspect a thing! I planned everything, from the decorations down to the food. I bought six large boxes of pizza and some finger food. It was an expensive affair to say the least but he was so happy. The hardest part was getting his friends and colleagues that I wasn’t personally acquainted with to come but I did it! I had to steal his phone a few times to get numbers and send messages to colleagues but all the important people in his life came and he was really happy. One of his friends spilled wine on the carpet and I was pissed, but it’s been cleaned away.

My cousins Cameera, Jay and Sun came too. It was lovely of them. Sun really helped in getting the wine out of the carpet, he quick thinking helped prevent a tragedy.

We’ve moved into our new place too. My God it was stressful! Our oak furniture came and with it four full cars worth of boxes and polystyrene. Just getting rid of packaging material was another stress in itself but we’re all unpacked, settled and we’re loving our home. 

Work is even looking up! I got a good review from my boss. Doesn’t mean I like him any more than I did before. As far as I’m concerned, he’s still a motherfucker. But things are better. Doesn’t mean I’m not still looking to leave. I’ve had six interviews at Company R and an interview day at Company K. The only annoying thing is that I haven’t heard back from Company R since my last interview and it’s been 10 days. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow. I want to get the fuck out of this company. 

I’m still trying to figure what I’m worth in terms of salary. I want to ask for 20% more than I’m currently earning but I think maybe I could even go as far as 50%. It would be a cheeky ask but I think maybe I’m worth it. I’m highly educated in a technical field and have soft skills that are hard to come by. I must be worth a good amount. 

Trust me, my soft skills are kick arse. I negotiated so well for extra perks when Telis took out a new phone contract this weekend. I kept asking for more stuff until the poor guy actually gave me his cookie, which I accepted of course. I really do hope my worth can be seen.

I keep writing entries once every month or something. I need to do better but sometimes there’s nothing to report. I’m happy. I have no need to vent.

Bye!

Tomorrow!!

We get the keys to our new place tomorrow! Which means, of course, that I did some last minute sabotaging. I told Telis that guaranteeing a future with him was difficult because what if I really didn’t love him and was deluding myself into thinking he was right for me. That I couldn’t look past the present without feeling scared that something would go wrong and I’d get hurt. That if he proposed to me I’d probably run away because what if I’m making the wrong decision again.

Basically all the usual crap. And right on schedule.

But this really is such a huge step in our relationship, and commitment is required but can’t be guaranteed, and that’s scary.

Anyway, I’m ok now. We’re ok. He gets it. It’s not easy, but like I said before, I’m taking each day as it comes.

I scratched Nebby on Friday because some idiot has left their van parked right in front of where I park my car, which makes it very difficult to go into and out of the parking bay. I took a picture of the vehicle and sent an email to whoever’s in charge of parking in that area, letting them know how hazardous the van is and that something should be done about it.

Anyway, that motherfucker isn’t important. I’ve downloaded dating apps on my phone on Vish’s behalf and this week he actually got two matches. I’m just the swiper but it’s his responsibility to talk to them because I’m not big on catfishing. One of his matches is a 40 year old lady, and considering Vish is 33, she’s definitely a bit of a cougar.

It’s Telis‘ 30th birthday in two weeks but this is not the place to divulge what I have planned for him, providing I actually have something planned *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink*.

I’m thinking about trying for a baby after I’ve been at the new company for at lease one year. I’ll be 27 then, which is still an ok age. I just don’t want to wait too long before I start trying.

And speaking of my fertility, I have HPV. I have a low risk version but I’ve still been invited for a colposcopy. it’s annoying because some uncircumcised loser gave it to me. And I want to suspect Igor but it could very well have been Telis. But it doesn’t even matter. It’s so common and very low risk that it’s barely an issue. I just need to have it monitored, is all. I haven’t told my parents because I don’t want them to worry.

Now back to my career. I remember when one of my concerns was that for me to get hired anywhere, I’d have to move backwards in my career and go into an entry level role. I’m so glad that that is not the case. I’m hoping to get a nice bump in salary while traversing a new industry and role. Everything is falling into place!

I’m just so excited to see mine and Telis‘ new place tomorrow. I can’t wait! I’ve even started packing his stuff! I want us to be prepared. Tomorrow is the start of something new.

Telis has been working so hard at work and stressing even harder. He wants to get a promotion so that we can have a comfortable future. I just don’t want him to burn himself out. I appreciate the sentiment and I love that he’s thinking about us and how he can provide but one’s health is their wealth and he gets quite anxious so I just want him to take it easy.

When I started the job hunting process, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t even feel like I was hireable. I applied for anything and everything. It wasn’t until I interviewed at Company CS (the one I rejected recently) that I learnt what it was I wanted to do. I wanted to be a Sales Engineer within the cyber security industry. Unfortunately at Company CS, although I interviewed for a sales engineer role (amongst many others), there were no open positions. They instead offered me a role that I probably wasn’t very well suited to, with less money but with promise to move into sales engineering after some months. I turned them down because it was too big a sacrifice for my career. 

I still applied for other jobs and was fortunate to be invited for an interview at Company R, which too is in the cyber security industry and were recruiting for a post-sales engineer. So far, I’ve done four interviews with them with one more lined up next week. Hopefully this is the final interview. They’re a good company and they even have a black CEO! 

Now, guess what? There has been an opening at Company CS for a sales engineer! I applied and then personally reached out to the head of the department, who I’ve already interviewed with, to let him know to be expecting my application!

Turning them down the first time was a good decision. If I hadn’t, I would have had to wait at least nine months before I could move into a sales engineering position, which would mean nine months with a lower salary doing tasks that I probably wouldn’t enjoy. By applying directly for this role, I get to keep my current salary at my current company while waiting only a few months to get into this role as opposed to nine. 

The good news is, I have an interview! I’m hoping that the process can be expedited because I’ve already interviewed for the role in the past. After my interview next week with Company R, if they give me an offer, I’ll see if I can stall for as long as possible so that if I’m successful with getting an offer from Company CS, I can choose the best company for me.

But here’s what’s amazing. They’re both in the industry I want to get into doing the role that I want to do! My varied experience doesn’t scare them and I think I’ll be happy at either. I can’t believe my fortune! After all those rejections, finally something that’s for me.

There’s another company I interviewed for, the role is, again, within sales engineering but the industry isn’t quite what I want. But they’re still a very good company and they stand in a very strong third position. Company CS is first and Company R is second.

I was overcome by sadness today with the thought of leaving my current company. I’ve been here for over three years and even though it’s been a mixed experience, it’s been a constant in my life and I will miss it and my colleagues.

Fingers crossed that I get an offer from one of them! All my boxes will be ticked if I do!!

I want to mourn my piercings. Yesterday, I finally decided enough was enough. I took out all my cartilage piercings. They just weren’t healing and since I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked, it was time for them to go. All four of them. I didn’t realise I’d be so sad about it. But at the same time it’s like liberation from the pain and frustration I’ve put myself through.

But wow! It has been a while journal. My good God so much has happened. I feel like I need to separate each occurrence into a separate chapter in this entry.

Yesterday I had amazing bedroom fun with Telis. Twice. Recently, I just haven’t been in the mood because I’ve felt like I was broken and fat and I wouldn’t ever enjoy sex. But spontaneously, we did it and it was amazing! The first and second time! Woot!

So it’s happening. We’re moving in together… Next week!!! We’ve bought brand new furniture, which we’ll be financing together through our new joint bank account! Everything, beds, storage, sofas, literally cost thousands! We’ve spent a lot of money but we bought quality items so that they’d last us a long time, it’s basically an investment.

Buying furniture together was so scary for me. It was a big commitment because we’d be tied together financially for two years, which meant no escape for me. But I’m taking each day as it comes. I don’t know where we’ll be in the next year but as long as I’m happy today then I have plenty reason to stay with him.

Generally I’m very happy. I turned down the job offer I got for the company interviewed for last year. I just felt like it would have been a step backwards for me but I have some other opportunities, both are cyber security companies. I have my final two interviews for the first opportunity on Wednesday. I’ve done two already. The second one really frustrated me. I felt like the interviewer wasn’t interested in what I had to say and then he told me his only concern was that I maybe wasn’t technical enough for the role. That reason has always been my downfall for other jobs opportunities in the past and when he said it I was so annoyed. I thought that it was over for me and was upset but here I am with another two interviews planned. I’ve been studying loads to show that I do have the knowledge. At the end of the day, I am a network engineer. I have the knowledge already – I just need to make them see it.

Things at my current company have settled down. I’m being kept busy with work and there’s no threat of me being made redundant at the moment but after how I was treated, I still want to leave. I need more money now that Telis and I have to pay for a property that is more than I can afford if I want to maintain how much I put away into savings each month. I usually save about 37% of my salary each month, but with the new place and the furniture were financing, I can only put away 25%, which is still better than nothing but not as much as I’d prefer. The plus side is that I now have Telis’ salary in conjunction with mine, so together we can put aside a fair amount of money. It’s called teamwork.

I’ve really taken control of our finances. Every month, I know what’s going where and how much we’re both paying and when. Everything has been structured perfectly and for sure, we’ll be able to pay off the furniture at the end of the two years. 

I’m really excited to move in! We get our own space as a couple and since we’re moving into a four floor house, our space from each other. I moved a lot of my stuff out of my old place into Telis current place yesterday. I need to move out by the 15^th and the tenancy for the new place starts on the 18^th so I needed somewhere to put my stuff in the interim. Having a car makes things so convenient! I don’t have to bother anyone to help me, I can just do it all myself. Telis was so helpful yesterday. Having him help with the move was such a blessing. He’s such a blessing. I do love him.

My period is two days late with no sign of wanting to start (considering I did the deed yesterday, that should have kick started things into motion). I took a test this morning and it was negative, so now I wait patiently for the red river to flow. I do want kids, but at this stage where I’m job hunting, I want to wait until I’ve been working at the new company for at least a year before I start making babies. Telis is probably a lot more broody than me. He really wants kids and if it happens now or next year, we’d both be very happy.

He finally met my mother on Saturday! I’d scared him beforehand with how scary my mother is. He was so nervous on our approach to my home in CapitalCity but when he met my mother, he was so annoyed with me. I’d gotten him scared for nothing because she was a sweetie and he loved her. Whatever. Their meeting was pleasant enough and she likes him, so all is good.

My driving experience on Saturday was hectic. My God where do I start? I went to a concert. After leaving my parents place we drove to the concert venue, I made a wrong turn which really annoyed me but finally we arrived, only to find out we had to pay extortionate fees to park. Fine. Let’s just accept the price and watch our concert. After the concert we had to drive back to Deraland. It was around 10pm in the evening, I was tired and annoyed. The way back was horrible. I kept taking the wrong turn and going down the wrong roads. 

Google maps eventually routed me down some very narrow streets. So, so narrow. Cars were parked on both sides of the road. There was barely any space to drive through. I came to one turning and there was a car parked right at the entrance of the turn. I was fucking pissed. It left me literally no room to pass through. I ended up side by side with this car. Touching. My car scratching his. I had no choice but to keep going. It was the only thing I could do. I couldn’t reverse out, nor could I move slightly to the other side; there was no space! The owner of that car had what was coming to him. Next time he wouldn’t park so stupidly. My car came out unscathed. I don’t know what damage I did to that other car, but at that point, I didn’t care. I was so annoyed. I wanted to abandon my car and cry.

We eventually did make it back to Deraland, I was so relieved. Even Telis was. I snapped at him so much during that journey. I was so stressed. I hate driving on unfamiliar roads at night, but that was the worst. But at the end of the day, it was a learning experience.

I just felt the areas where my piercings used to be and I still want to cry. I hope the holes don’t close completely. Maybe once they’ve healed, I can put an earring back in. What did these piercings represent to me that I’m so upset? 

My identity. 

I got them to make a statement about who I am at a time when I was going through a lot. I guess now I need to be strong and realise who I am is more than my appearance. Bye bye holes.

I’ve given lifts to work to Igor twice. We passed each other on two occasions and I offered him a lift to which he accepted. Although I very much dislike him as a romantic partner, as a person, I can tolerate him in very, very, minute doses. I’m no longer harbouring any negative feelings towards his existence but I wouldn’t go as far as to say I like him. I can tolerate his presence for a 10 minute journey. I know Telis feels a bit awkward about it but he says he trusts me, but I won’t be giving Igor anymore lifts for Telis’ sake. I know he’s my ex and that’s weird but I really do know how to put aside my feelings, or lack of. Igor means absolutely nothing to me and when I see him, I don’t even think, ‘this idiot is my ex’, he’s just another human I don’t give a fuck about but will be pleasant enough to to offer him a lift to work.

I’ve been giving daily lifts after work to another friend. Her name is Ria. She’s also from Telisland so she and Telis speak Telisan together. Telis and I have tried matchmaking her with one of Telis colleagues/friends. He really likes her, but she’s not so keen on him. She says she likes him as a friend, but I’d like to see what happens eventually. Maybe they’d get together, maybe they won’t. Let’s see.

I feel like I’ve covered a lot of what has happened, although it’s been a month so I may have missed some things. But it’s been nice writing again. Once I’ve moved into the new place, I’ll be back, but until then!