Category: Journal

I give up.

Half my mind is telling me to play the long game and go into a role that is way below me just so that I can progress into something much better (eventually) and the other half is telling me that I’m too educated to settle for something that someone without a degree can do.

It’s so difficult. I don’t know what to do! And I’m really struggling to find a job.

My master’s degree in engineering wasn’t for nothing. Nor is my three years’ experience at the hell hole I’m currently working at. I don’t know what the right decision is. I just don’t want to be stuck in a junior role forever. I don’t want to get pregnant in a year’s time while in a junior role and then come back from maternity leave at the age of 29 still in a junior role! I need to make that next move up but nothing has come my way. I’m just frustrated and I do want to cry a little bit. I feel so demoralised that the best I can get is something below me.

On the good side of thing, Telis and I have found a place together. It’s an absolutely amazing property. It’s a two bedroom house with four floors and a garden and at the end of the garden is a river!! I can’t wait to move in with him. We have had some trouble recently, again, due to the whole attraction thing. Last Saturday I almost broke up with him because every time I looked at him I just saw someone that I didn’t physically like. We slept apart that night. It was sad. We’re ok now. I do really love him. Maybe I just got scared about the fact that we were moving in together. I’ve never done that with anyone before.

Saturday was pretty eventful to be honest. We viewed some properties, and also had a dinner party with Telis‘ friend and his girlfriend. It was fun to an extent – I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind considering I was on the precipice of breaking up with my boyfriend.

But all I want is a new job that I’m qualified for!

I’m sad.

I’ve just seen that my friends, who got together a few months after Jomi and I, got engaged on the New Year.

I’m happy for them but I’m sad. They’re marrying their long term partner and it just reminds me of something that I once had. That childhood love. The prospect of an adult life together. I’m still going to get that, but the progression from innocence to maturity I’ll miss out on. 

We all had our little relationships together. We nurtured and grew our relationships together. And they still have theirs. And I’m here. Starting again. 

* * *

I just got reminded of my failure and it hurts seeing someone else make it where I’ve failed.

Man, my life is a joke. It really is. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. I just want to get away from it all. Having to make decisions that not only affects you but someone else sucks. I just wish it was easy choosing a life partner, but am I just asking for too much? Is physical or sexual attraction or camaraderie not that important? Should I just come to accept one without the other. Should I choose to sacrifice my need for a sexual connection so that I’m content with just a physical attraction and camaraderie?

I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew the decisions I was making would work out in the long term. I’m not here to be breaking up engagements, I really do want to get married. I just need to be sure of the person and so far, no one has been 100% and that’s what scares me. Maybe I am asking for too much.

I know beauty fades and when it comes down to it, you want someone you can continue to love and tolerate. But at the same time I’m 26. I want to look at the love of my life and swoon. I could just be shallow.

I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know.

It’s the early hours of the new year and I’m triggered. This time last year I was running home crying. And now I remember why being single is so attractive.

But my God do I love Telis. He’s everything. I’ve never felt so loved and wanted in my life. He’s treated me with nothing less than care and affection. I feel safe with him and appreciated. He looks at me like I’m the only girl in the world and finds me so sexually attractive it’s crazy. I can only hope I make him as happy as he makes me.

I’m just scared that the physical attraction issue will rear its ugly head and plague my affections toward him. I want to say that I’m always attracted to him but it really does come and go, depending on how well groomed he is, and when it goes I just don’t like him and that’s what worries me.

I know we all have this idea of what our perfect man looks like and the men we marry usually fall short of that. Telis is nothing like what I pictured and if left with him and 1000 other guys in a bar, I’m not sure I’d notice him. Just saying.

And I know I sound mean. But it’s true. But he makes up for it in so many other ways and they’re enough to make me overlook my lack of physical attraction to him… Sometimes. But when it comes down to it, I love and I choose him and although I’d change him outwardly, inside, he’s everything that’s right for me.

That’s why we’re getting married. We’ve been talking about it and we’re trying to pick a date in 2019. I just feel so ready to settle down. I want a family. It’s time. And Telis doesn’t not feel like the right guy. I have no gut instinct telling me something isn’t right. Nor do I have an internal voice saying everything is perfect. But I feel comfortable in my decision to be with him. I’m just so worried about the attraction. It scares me. I don’t want to get a few months into my marriage and suddenly I don’t like who I’m laying in bed with.

But if his looks are my only concern then it really can’t be that bad, can it? I’ve seen pictures of him when he’s slimmer and I find him ridiculously attractive. I mean, it could just be a weight thing. And fortunately, he is losing weight. I just need to be patient and await his metamorphosis.

I sound bad but I’m just scared. I always want to run away from relationships but instead of running, I’m writing down my worst thoughts and getting them out there so that I don’t act on them. Lord please give me strength.

To lighten things up, just before Christmas I had a dream that Telis broke up with me because he felt like he wasn’t good enough for me and then I caught him having sex with a fat girl. I woke up pissed and was so annoyed at him. Like how dare he break up with me!

It really does come down to his weight. If I’m having disturbing dreams about it, it must really be something that bothers me a lot. Like a lot a lot. I’m trying my damned hardest to overlook it and exercise patience. 

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Ok here’s my problem with being not-slim. It’s not nice. It’s not attractive. And if you’re under 35, with no kids, you have no excuse to be fat. Work out. Be active. Do something. But don’t be fat. It’s so unhealthy and I don’t like it.

I look in the mirror and I see myself gaining weight. I have back rolls now for goodness sake! But I see this, I acknowledge it and I create a plan of action to sort that shit out. I am taking my arse back to the gym and getting re-sexy.

People need to take better care of themselves. Telis included. He could do so much better, and I don’t mean with just the weight, just everything. I’m not into being excessively vain. I’m not even like that myself, I only ever wear eyeliner and that’s it, but at least I take care of myself on a basic level. I just don’t like unkempt appearances. But whatever.

I should sleep.

* * *

I’m scarred. I’m thinking about past relationships and I realise now that maybe I’ll never be happy in a relationship. Telis is so perfect for me, yet because the physical attraction isn’t there it’s almost like he just isn’t enough. So now I feel selfish and unappreciative. I asked the universe for true love and when I get something resembling that, I’m not 100% with it.

I’m a terrible person. I am. All he has ever done is love me but I can’t seem to look past the things that I don’t physically like about him. And I don’t want to change him or keep making digs about his appearance. It’s not nice and he deserves better.

I love him so much but I just feel so bad that I can’t love his weight, or his unshaved face or the way he dresses. I believe in loving someone for who they are, and I just wish that I wasn’t constantly thinking about who he isn’t.

Yes, personality counts and no matter how hard I try to rationalise it, even though I may be able to let it go for a few weeks, it always comes back – the questioning, the wishing, the wanting and it makes me feel terrible. But he should be the one who feels terrible for being with a person who can’t love him for what’s on the outside.

I just want to be alone. It’s what I wanted all those months ago when he was pursuing me because I was afraid something like this would happen. I knew I didn’t find him very attractive and from past experience, my lack of physical attraction for someone would always come back to bite me, or rather, them.

Maybe I am shallow and perhaps he does deserve better, but I don’t want to keep beating myself up for wanting a guy that I find attractive.

He said I should give him a chance and I did. I’m trying. I really am. I love us. I love the fact that he’d be an amazing husband and father. I love that he’s everything I’ve asked for. But I can’t overlook his looks and it’s killing me.

Telis, I’m sorry.

* * *

I’m borderline angry and I want to get out of my head. It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I’m being driven crazy by my thoughts. I hate this!!! Why can’t they just let me let it go! I don’t want to keep being dragged into the past.

I don’t want his mother to send me and my sisters Christmas money! I don’t want my mother to tell me she’s still talking to his. I don’t want to know that his mother still wants me as a daughter in law. I don’t want questions. I don’t want anything! I just want to be left alone.

Why won’t anyone just let me be alone?

I don’t want to be wanted. I don’t want to be pursued. I don’t want anything from anyone or with anyone.

I told Telis I wanted to be single and he couldn’t respect that and insisted we be together. I gave him a chance and now I’m fucking upset. Jomi and I are over but why can’t his mother accept that, why do people have to insist on things on my behalf?!

I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE! Is that ever too much to ask for?!

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!

JUST LET ME BE ALONE!

Nothing will ever be good enough for me. I’ve said it time and time again. Forever is a long time and eventually, along the way, I’ll stop feeling one thing or another for whomever I’m with. And I know relationships won’t always be positive feelings towards the other person, I understand this, but I just can’t be bothered anymore.

All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Yet with love staring me right in the face, I find that the package isn’t what I wanted to receive the love in and now I feel ungrateful. I don’t want to be a toxic person and hurt people!

Let me just go. Please! What I want isn’t out there, so please, love, let me just go. Let me stop craving you. I have been suffocating under my own desire to get married and start a family but I don’t want to be smothered anymore. I don’t want to love anymore. It attacks and claws away at my thoughts and I can’t rationalise the point anymore. So, please. Let me go.

I just need to sleep. It’s 2am and I have work tomorrow.   

I had a catch up with my mother yesterday. Like usual she mentioned Jomi and asked whether if I’d have stayed with him if I’d be happy in the long term.

Well the answer is no. 

Last night I couldn’t sleep because every single reason for why we couldn’t be together came back to me. I’d blocked out a lot of things and forgot most of the reasons why but now I remember and it’s haunting me. It’s similar with Igor. There’s very little about our relationship that I can organically remember. I don’t even like going back in my journal and reading the things that happened between us because it just makes me feel like such a fool. But that’s all in the past. I’m happy now.

Annoying.

My mother told me that she spoke to Jomi’s mother recently and that she was still holding out hope that Jomi and I would get back together and that she still hadn’t accepted that me and him are over.

It’s frustrating. Of course she feels how she feels and she’s allowed to do so but I just want to leave all of that in the past. She sent my siblings and I Christmas money, which was very lovely of her but Jomi and I aren’t together anymore.

I’m doing well and I’m happy.

I just feel like parents try to push their own agenda onto their kids but I just want to be with whoever I want to be with.

You know, the reason Jomi and I even got back together the second time was because of family intervention, although we were still sleeping together, but they still wanted us together anyway.

And being back with Jomi will bring back a whole host of problems that I just do not want in my life, like having to conceive a child via IVF.

But anyway, Merry Christmas and all that. I drove Telis to the airport this afternoon before driving home to CapitalCity.

I miss him! I can’t believe he’s spending the whole of Christmas in the airport and won’t arrive back in Telisland until tomorrow morning. My poor baby. I feel bad.

The drive was fine. I was a bit anxious in the morning and ended up waking early to poop. But my confidence will grow.

Spent Christmas with the whole extended family. It was fine too. My mother wanted me to wear a gown so I did. And I hated it. I didn’t even bother making myself look nice. I’m just not that stylish and makeup isn’t my thing.

I did tell my parents the other day that I’d start making babies in 6 to 12 months. The first thing that my dad said when he saw me today was, ‘where’s your belly?’ Well father, I’m not pregnant! My mum just wants me to be married first.

I will get married soon. I want to be a wife and a mother. And every decision I make, I want it to be mine.

I wrote the below on 17^th October 2017 and I think it’s something that should be shared in my journal. I was going to share it with the world but I’m actually glad I didn’t.

Let’s talk about DEPRESSION

Not sadness, not despondency, not infrequent melancholy,  

Actual.

Depression.

I have gone from ridiculously depressed, to mildly depressed to just plain old depressed. Right now I’m trying to work through my feelings, especially the negative ones that I have towards myself. I know sometimes when you’re so consumed in your own sadness it’s so hard to think rationally so I’ve written this little note to myself from an outward viewpoint to let me know that it’s ok to just be human.

Dera,

There are many things in life that will bring about feelings of dejection and depression. You cannot be expected to be 100% happy all the time. You were at a very low point in your life, your mental, physical and emotional health was affected and it left you with a lot of negative opinions of yourself.

Now understand this, I’m not going to say that you weren’t yourself. Maybe you weren’t your USUAL self, but you were yourself. You were your miserable, people-pleasing, overdoing self. AND THAT’S OK. You reacted to a situation in the way YOU being YOU would react. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GO INTO DARK PLACES. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT BE 100% ALL THE TIME. DO NOT fear something that is NORMAL, NATURAL for human beings. Do not fear to go into your deepest and darkest existence. Because you need this to grow. You need this to be a better, stronger person. You need this to understand that you are HUMAN. You are HUMAN. Being human means not being perfect. Not always being happy. Failing at being happy isn’t a thing! You didn’t fail. If anything you’re passing life with flying colours because you are ticking every single box of emotions every single person in this world will face.

BE ANGRY. BE SAD. BE WHATEVER FEELING YOU WANT TO BE. FEEL. Because that’s what will bring about change for the better. Feeling negative emotions doesn’t make you LESS of a person. Having feelings and expressing them makes you the most beautiful type of human being. Acknowledging your sadness and living it makes you more amazing than you know.

Do not invalidate your feelings because you feel it will take away from who you are. You are who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, and that’s ok.

I was really sad. But I’m glad that I no longer remember what it was like to feel that way. Here’s to a 2019 filled with healthy emotions, be it good or bad.

ONE. ONE MEASLY CUP SIZE! ONE!

I thought that my breasts would have increased by at least two cup sizes but apparently there’s a massive leap between cup sizes and my breasts could only make one!

I believe in my mind’s power to grow my breasts, however, maybe weight gain has more to do with it than anything else. Either way, I shall continue! To gain a single cup size in less than two months is an achievement.

My breasts already look much bigger. In fact, they look huge and if that’s what a single cup size can do, then I may need to rethink the number of bra sizes I want my breasts to increase by. Before it was six sizes but I’m thinking maybe I should reduce that figure to just two or three and if that’s the case, then it means I’m already half way there. Progress!

I love how I feel in my skin. When I look in the mirror and see how incredible I look, it fills me with such amazement. I WILL achieve the bra size that I desire. My breasts WILL grow another two cup sizes.

Yesterday at work, I was told by a colleague that I was an asset to the team and that I’ve been doing a good job. I worked to get so much done this week. If my boss ever turns around and says otherwise I may just have to fight him physically – it’s a good thing I’m getting out of there.

I called the HR lady at the company I’m applying to and left a message saying thank you. I really appreciate their efforts in trying to find me the perfect position. I have a meeting with the head of Sales Engineering on the 31^st, and I really hope it leads somewhere!

2018 has been such a successful year, I can’t even believe it. The very one thing I never thought I’d get was real, unadulterated love and to my own amazement I met the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the man who made me forget all my past hurts and treated me with gentleness and care of a wounded soul. The man who will be my husband and the father of my children. After everything I suffered at the beginning of the year, I can’t believe I’m ending the year in love.

Finding love is definitely the highlight of my year but I’ve done so well. I moved from that horrible place into somewhere where I have peace of mind. I passed my driving test and bought a car! I launched a new business! And hopefully before the end of the year I’ll have gotten a new job! I’ve also travelled to lots of new countries and cities, I started a meetup for sci-fi and fantasy lovers, I’ve made new friends and I’ve generally been very happy. It’s been such a great year!

Really, leaving my current company will be the icing on top of an already sweet year.

I’ve already written my letter of resignation. I made sure to make it known that I specifically enjoyed working in the first two departments at the company, without any mention of my current department. I then went on to thank everyone who has helped me over the past three years without any thanks directed towards my boss. It’s polite but I’m hoping it throws enough shade. I can’t wait to hand in my letter and look him dead in the eye with an air of smugness surrounding the whole action and then on my last day I’ll casj drop to my fellow colleagues that it’s my last day, I’ll send an email with the subject, ‘Today is my last day at [company]’ and the message body will read, ‘Thanks for everything!’.

The end.

No one will ever hear from me again. If you have my personal number then good for you. If you don’t, well, that’s a shame, eh?

The one thing I’ve learnt this year is to ask and you shall receive. 

Example 1: I have to pay for a parking space with my current estate agents. They quoted me x amount but I asked if I could pay 28.5% less than what I was told it costs and they agreed to it straight away. 

Example 2: Yesterday afternoon I spoke with the HR lady from the company that I’m potentially getting a job offer from and told her that for one of the roles that they are considering me for (the sales one) it seems to be entry level and I have three years of working experience, and that I’d be interested in a more senior role, like the sales engineering role and if there was any way I could go straight into that. She said she’d send forward my resume to the head of the department and if there was an opening that they could maybe get me into that. 

It’s amazing. I love how accommodating the company is. They really care about what I personally want and they’re working hard to get me in. I definitely will be buying them gifts when I start working there!

For the technical support engineer role that I interviewed for a few evenings ago, there was one question the guy asked me. He said, if an application kept crashing, what procedure would I go through to figure out what was wrong with it? Best believe your girl said she’d Google the error message, or she’d close down the process completely and reopen it or restart the computer. I know, I’m basic, but to make up for the answer I did ask about a million and one questions. I’m assuming I redeemed myself because they haven’t rejected me from the role.

I’m just really happy I’m staying in Deraland. I thought I’d have to move away to get a good job at a good company but I’ve found one literally 5 minutes away from my current workplace. It’s amazing. I get to stay close to my love and in the New Year we’re going to start house hunting together. 

I did some marketing for my new business yesterday, I sent round email invitations to my followers but the uptake still seems very, very slow. It’s annoying. I really just need to get out there and start pushing for vendors.

Business is hard! Boo!

I’ll think in 2019, I’ll be getting married and then 2020, babies! I can’t wait to have kids. That’s one thing I will never sacrifice. No job or business will ever come before having kids before 30. I’m now at that age where all I can ask myself is, ‘what am I waiting for?’ I have a career, I have a car that I can easily afford, my finances are in order, if I wanted to I could afford to buy a house. I’m in a very secure and happy relationship with someone who treats me so well. All I can say is that there’s nothing really left for me to wait for. If I could do it all right now, I would but I’m about to get a new job and getting pregnant straight away wouldn’t be too great. I want to wait until I’m there for at least a year first, and so at the end of 2019, Telis and I can start making babies.

Our timeline:

10 months: move in together

1 year and 3 months: buy and house together and get married

1 year and 6 month: start making babies.

I’m 26 so I really don’t have any reason to be waiting five years before getting engaged. When I was 19 it was a different story because, well, I was 19. Even if I was still with Jomi, we would have been getting married in 2019, so nothing’s really changed, just the man. So basically everything’s changed.

I’ve come a long way with my heartbreak. Thinking about Jomi doesn’t hurt anymore. He even wished me happy birthday and talking to him and then not talking to him didn’t hurt either. When I think of him, I remember best-friendship, innocence and love. I’ve never had a friendship so deep and pure and I probably won’t ever again but now I share something much more wholesome and adult with someone else and I regret nothing.

I don’t think you’ll ever forget your first love and I don’t want to forget. It will always be beautiful.

Not to spoil the nostalgia, but I love how my boss is just piling on the work. It’s perfect! He should just give me more and more because he’ll need to have someone else start dealing with everything once I’m gone, which is very soon! The way he got rid of my colleague was so unfair and now they’ll be two less people in his team and it would be all his fault and it’ll be so deserved!

Motherfucker.

Someone scratched my baby Nebby. My poor little traumatised car. But its fine, I bought some paste thing that removes scratches, since they’re pretty shallow anyway and Nebby’s bumper is looking better already.

I got very little sleep last night because Telis kept waking me up, he’s been feeling very unwell and coughing relentless all day every day and it extended into the night. To be honest, he’s acting like a baby. I understand he’s in pain but I’m in paid every single month for doing nothing other than being a woman. And yes, I want to use my femininity to take away from his pain because I don’t act like a baby.

I had a face-to-face interview today for a company that I’ve been talking to. It’s for a sales role but it involves a lot of cold calling and they want me to really think about whether I feel the role would suit me. I got the impression they wanted me but they want me to be sure. To be honest, the idea of daily cold calling sounds scary. Telis said that I don’t have the aggressive personality needed for that but my interviewers did say that the progressive roles following on from it would probably be a better fit for me and if I can just power through that first cold calling stage, there’ll be a better role waiting for me. Do I want to be a saleswoman though? Is that what I see for myself? I don’t know.

I have another interview with the same company tonight but for a technical support engineer. I’ll speak to the interview and see what he has to say. At this point, I just want to get out of my current company. I’d ideally like to be signing a new contract and handing in my resignation by the 24^th.

Either way it seems promising. Let’s see how this pans out. 

I drove into work today without stalling. It was a good journey, I didn’t even use my satnav. I’ll be leaving soon and I’m a bit nervous. My car wouldn’t start up this morning because of the weather. I thought I broke it because I left it in gear all night. But it started up after a while and I was relieved. 

Kirby came over to Telis place last night to chill with us. He’s been feeling very lonely and suicidal too. I had to tell HR at work the things he’d been saying because it seemed like he would kill himself there and then. I even had to message his sister who has now given me their parent’s contact details so that I can get in touch with them directly. I just don’t think he should be by himself right now, especially with how hopeless he’s feeling. I do worry about his wellbeing but I don’t want to be the person that’s always there lest he forms a dependency on me.

I had an interview today. They told me to consider another role as well as the one that I was interviewing for, however, I’m not sure if either would be suited to me. I just want a salary increase because I now have a car baby to think about and provide for. Anyway, it is a cyber-security company just based down the road from my current company. The lady I spoke to said I could come in one day and meet the managers and the team to see which role is best suited to me. I can’t wait to fuck off out of my current company. I hate it here.