Category: Journal

I drove into work this morning! I did it flawlessly. I’ve even stopped stalling! The only issue I really have is that my first gear is a little stiff. I’m going to get someone to look at it for me. I mean, considering it’s just been serviced I don’t see how an issue like that could be missed.

I’m thinking about driving home for Christmas. I’m a bit nervous because of the distance. Plus I’m yet to actually put any fuel into my tank (I bought it with a full tank), so I’d have to eventually figure out how to do that. 

I’ve decided to withdraw all the money I’ve invested because the way the market is moving right now fills me with no confidence, I’ve already gone into negative return but thankfully it’s gone back up again, plus I need liquid cash because my liquid assets are running low on account of holidaying loads and whatnot.

In the New Year, Telis and I will start house hunting together. I’m just fed up of us living in different places. Nebby is parked at my place but I spend most of my days at Telis’ place and so we have to walk some distance to pick Nebby up in the morning.

I shouted at Telis on Friday and I feel really bad. I got stressed because I was driving and I kept going the wrong way, and I was meant to be picking up Kirby so I told Telis to call him to let him know I’d be running a little behind. Then Telis started saying that calling Kirby wasn’t important and I should just focus on the road, then I shouted at him and told him to just call Kirby. And I feel so, so bad because I never shout at anyone and I snapped at my baby boy. 

I’m feeling less and less anxious when driving but I guess it’s just a case of building up my confidence. I don’t want to be getting stressed from it and I definitely don’t want to be shouting at the man I love because I’m nervous.

But I guess he has to see me at my worst sooner or later. I am very much in love with him and he doesn’t deserve having me snap at him.

I’ve renamed Nebuchadnezzar to NebuCARnezzar. Smart right?!

Anyway, I went for a drive yesterday with Telis to a quaint little town. Driving around with Nebby has gotten so much better! I’m stalling less and I’m loving him even more. Hopefully tomorrow’s journey to work won’t take longer than it needs to!

I bought a car on Wednesday! I love it! It’s a cute little 2011 Renault Clio. I’ve named him Nebuchadnezzar or Nebby for short because he will, for sure, dominate the roads! I drove him from CapitalCity 40 miles/64 kilometres back to Deraland. How I thought that was a good idea is beyond me. Going down the motorway/highway for the first time in a car that I’m unfamiliar with was a very brave feat and I can’t believe I got it and myself back in one piece. I stalled a lot though.

I’m still very nervous to drive around and pretty much still getting used to the car. This morning, a 10 minute journey to work took me one hour – I kept going the wrong way and stalling. God knows this driving thing will take a lot of getting used to. 

I’ve had to restructure my finances to be able to have money always available for the car. It’s an expense that isn’t necessarily needed but the experience I’ll gain from driving around will be worth it, especially if I want to drive my kids round.

Telis said we can start trying for a baby in January but actually, I think we should wait. I’d love a child whenever it comes and if it happens, I’ll welcome it but as long as I have the choice, I think I’ll wait, at least until the end of next year.

I had my car serviced today. The mechanic said everything is perfect with it, so at least I have that peace of mind and know that I won’t be spending much money on getting anything fixed any time soon. Good buy. I bought it from a young couple. So lovely. I managed to get 7% off the car, which I used towards making the car road legal. I love Nebby. So clean inside and out. Low mileage and it’s been very well looked after, it’s definitely a good car and worth the money. I think I probably paid a little less than what it may be worth. It has a satnav built in and Bluetooth and all the other gadgets that makes a car not boring to drive.

I don’t even want to talk about my drive from CapitalCity to Deraland with Nebby on Wednesday. I was using my phone to navigate me and at one point it fell on the floor and I was trying to reach for it and started swerving all over the place. I was, for sure, going in the wrong direction and I had no idea where I had to go. I tried not to panic but I did a bit. I pulled over at a service station to sort my life out, reposition my phone and then I continued my journey of stalling and getting lost. It was a trying experience. I was alone and I didn’t know if the car I was sold was rotting away on the inside waiting to break down on me in the middle of the highway.

However, I am proud of myself. I made the decision to buy a car and I restructured my finances around it so that I’m always prepared for the unexpected. By the time I have kids, hopefully I’d already have a mortgage in place so that all my savings would go towards raising my family. With mine and Telis’ salary combined, I think we will be more than ok. I just need to get a new job that pays more than what I’m earning now. I already make enough for me to put aside 38% into savings, which is good but if I could increase it to 50% then I’d live a very comfortable life with my family, house and car.

The job hunt is going. I have a few interviews. Some I’m not really interested in, others that I’d give a chance. However, I want to stay in Deraland with Telis so I’m hoping to get a job close by and since I can drive now, I have the freedom to go out of the way a little.

Generally I’m content, happy and very much in love. Mine and Telis’ relationship is something that has become a part of me, like how my name is a part of me, and it’s not something I really think about on the day to day, it’s just something that is.

My silly boyfriend told his parents we’re getting married next month and they almost had a heart attack since we’ve only been together for a short amount of time. I don’t think I’m ready to be engaged to anyone let alone get married. I’ve done the whole engagement thing before and I just want it to be right – the right person at the right time. I’m in no hurry. I would love to get married and start a family like yesterday if I could, but I take ownership of my own life, and the same way I broke off a five year relationship with the guy I was engaged to is the same way I’ll say no to a proposal from the wrong person. Life is real and I don’t like to mess around.

I’ve been a little unwell for a few days. I have a bit of a cold and I’ve just felt generally terrible. Today, I feel a little better but I’m still sneezing and coughing around.

My boss just came over to give me work to do after however many months! I made sure not to smile. Dera is not impressed. It’s fine. I’ll be out of this hellhole before I know it.

I can’t wait to see Nebby again! Hopefully he drives even better than he did before. I’m just waiting for the mechanic to drop him back to me. Junior accurately described a car as a child. You need to feed them, look after them, keep them clean, spend hella money on them. But Nebby is my baby. I’m so happy with my purchase!

I drove Telis around last night around midnight to a 24 hour supermarket. I just wanted to get inside my car and get some practice, especially since I’d be driving to work (disastrously) the next day. I just need to gain my confidence. But Nebby and I will find our balance soon enough.

* * *

I can’t help but feel triumphant! 100% my boss wanted to get rid of me but HR probably didn’t let him so now he’s stuck with me. He’s finally given me work to do, pwhahahaa!! Probably quite reluctantly but it means I’m not getting laid off. I’m still searching for jobs either way but now I can go at my own pace and apply to the ones I really want.

Yes motherfucker!

I’m never smiling at him again though. I’ll be civil but no more nice Dera.

In fact, I forgot to mention my meeting with HR. The way we were both bullshitting each other. Them feigning ignorance, me feigning injury, it was funny. I told them that I haven’t been sleeping because I’ve been very anxious and my health has been impacted (cause for legal action?) and I was even on the verge of tears. I think that’s acting at its finest. You think I’ve lost any sleep over them? No thanks!

I even took Wednesday off because I got no sleep the night before as I was worried about driving Nebby back by myself, but I told my boss I couldn’t come in because I’d been struggling to sleep for a while (a little lie) and the night before I’d gotten no sleep because of how anxious I’ve been (very true). I even had a headache from car searching too much but I made sure to mention the headache and the cold I had, just so that he would know how much he was “impacting me”. I can play this game! Yes, I was unwell, but it generally had nothing to do with work. Ha ha!

I’d say that’s a point to me.

Your move, my dear company.

Little Nebby is back! I’m starting to get a bit nervous about driving him home but I’ll do what I can! The biting point of the clutch was a little high for my liking so hopefully they’re lowered it a bit. No more stalling, please!!

* * *

So I went for a drive this evening with Telis and Kirby and the good news is, I’ve stopped stalling, however, I almost killed us all.

Apparently when I make one mistake I go into my head and I start panicking and then everything starts going wrong and I stop driving safely. Maybe I’m just too much of a perfectionist, I don’t know. I know I’ve only been driving independently in Nebby for three days and can’t expect to be perfect straight away but I want to at least have a degree of competency. I just feel like a terrible driver.

We’re making a baby!

But before that, this has been an emotionally turbulent weekend. Except for it being my birthday and me celebrating it in Paris, I was pretty sad for the most part.

I spent most of my days questioning my attraction to Telis and I was ready to break up with him over it. I even started drafting a letter. The journey there and the journey back was pretty detrimental to our relationship. I was in a bad mood on Thursday anyway but I think I disliked him to the point where I didn’t want him to touch me. I’m not a shallow person but I know that attraction definitely counts for something and when you find yourself questioning your attraction to your other half perhaps it’s time to walk away. So of course, the pushing away begin. But enough of that…

I’m 26! 

I spent my birthday at the Eiffel Tower and around Paris. It was nice. I caught up on a lot of much needed sleep too! It was exactly what both Telis and I needed – just some rest. On Saturday there was a massive protest around Paris and a lot of damage was wrought around the city but Telis and I spent the day at the Christmas market, which was probably the safest place to be on that day. 

I do love him. I’m not a fan of his weight, but I love him, and that brings me to making a baby.

I’m meeting with HR this afternoon at work. I don’t know what they’re going to tell me. Perhaps they’re going to make me redundant, who knows, either way if I do end up staying then I think getting pregnant will protect me on some fronts. I know this isn’t a good enough reason to make a baby but I want on either way and I feel ready. 

Whether or not it’s Telis I should be making the baby with is another question, especially since I borderline almost broke up with him this weekend. Anyway, the universe brought us together so maybe I should trust in that and go make me my baby with the man that I love.

He is so good to me. He’s the perfect example of what a man is and I’d like him to bring up my children with me because he’d be the perfect father and role model.

I’m a bit nervous because it’s a baby. But it’s my baby and whatever happens, I’ll strive hard to make sure they have the best upbringing that I can afford. I’m at my most fertile over the next few days so it’s right now or next month. 

If that pregnancy test shows up positive, I might just die from excitement and fear!

I have been applying for jobs. I’d like to stay in Deraland with Telis and since I can drive now I’ll be able to look for jobs in and around Deraland. I’ve been looking at cars and I know what I want – a Renault Clio 2010 +. I’ve driven two already and I really love how comfortable they are. I can’t wait to have my car. And if I’m planning to have a baby I need to gain enough driving experience to be a safe driver.

I was rejected.

I’m a bit sad because I really wanted this job. Now I’m stuck at my current company and the thought of it is just so depressing. I have a meeting with HR tomorrow. If they make me redundant then I’ll just walk out of the office and only God knows if they’ll see me again.

I guess I’ll just have to keep applying.

I went to view a Hyundai i10 today. I test drove it. I’m not sure how I feel about it in terms of comfort. I’ll keep looking around. I’m seeing another one tomorrow. Searching for cars did cheer me up but I’m sad again.

Anyway, my breast growth journey is going really well. They look so much bigger and their shape has changed. I love how they look! I can’t wait until they’re much bigger. Even Telis has noticed that they’ve grown and in the beginning he was a sceptic. Well I’m here to prove him wrong.

Some people use herbal supplements and massages but I’m solely just using my mind to do it. I think it’s a stress free and easy way to do it. I don’t have to remember to take this or that pill or find a quiet place to massage my boobs with whatever oils are used. I can just clear my mind and meditate for however long I want wherever I am. Woot woot! I think also having some sort of emotional connection to your breasts help a lot. Preferably sexual. When you start getting turned on you know that your mind is affecting your body enough to cause a response – it’s a good feedback loop. But it’s also gotten to the point where my breasts themselves give me a reaction. They start to tingle, ache or feel heavy and it’s key to welcome the feeling because if you tell your brain it’s a good feeling and it makes you happy, it’ll keep doing it.

I know, it all sounds so simplistic but I guess it is. I manage to get in 30 minutes of continues meditation but I’m aiming for an hour a day. Once the experiment is complete and I reach my target bra size I will be sure to disclose all my secrets! 

I just need something to take my mind off not getting this job. It’s just so frustrating. I felt I did well and demonstrated sufficient knowledge but they need someone with more technical ability and they can dedicate the time to train me. At least since I can now drive I can look for jobs anywhere without restriction.

Now that I have less to think about, I’m going to go back to working on my website. Now that I’ve launched it I can properly start trying to drive vendors to the platform.

I forgot to mention that Kirby is back to work. He started last Friday. I’m happy for him. He actually came with me to view the cars today and he’ll be driving me to another viewing tomorrow. He’s a good friend and it’s nice to see that he’s doing much better.

I had a meal last night with my meetup group to see out 2018. I’m actually half glad that I don’t have to leave Deraland – I like it here. I just want to get out of this company is all…

My week was so good but only one thing spoiled it. I was driving my mother’s car to do some shopping for her and I went to park in a busy parking lot – lots of people and lots of cars. I found a space between two car and went in but I was a bit crooked so I moved to straighten out and the car (and I wouldn’t say hit) touched the car next to me. The old man driving the car was in the driver’s seat and he started pounding his fists on his window. I was like ‘oh fuck’. I apologised and moved forwards again and kept trying to adjust my position but I was feel tremendous stress and panic because I didn’t want to hit the guy’s car again so I pushed the gas too hard and crashed into the wall in front of me. At that point, I was done. The old man was just staring at me and all I could so was hide my head in my arms and try not to cry. I continued to try but the pressure was mounting. The old man then told me to straighten up, so I did and reversed backwards. I managed to get the car in straight and went about my day.

The old man kept rubbing at the side of his car like I’d scratched it. I don’t think I did. There were already numerous scratches there and I don’t think I moved the car that much along that side of his to scratch it. He told me it was fine and I apologised loads. I literally left traumatised. I’m used to controlling a car using the clutch but when driving an automatic, all you have is the gas and the breaks and I was still adjusting to knowing how much pressure to use on each pedal. The experience left me shaken and I’ve decided I want my own small, manual car – something more manageable. But overall, my driving experience this week wasn’t so bad. 

When I arrived home to CapitalCity on Friday, I went shopping with my sister and managed to park the car into the bay in my first attempt – I was proud of that. It was easier that I was only parking beside one car and not between two. We then drove to my cousins’ place and I parallel parked like a boss. Then I picked them up too and we all drove to my other cousins’ place. It was fun driving others and I’d very much love to continue driving, albeit with a smaller and less automatic car.

Now, the good bits of my week. I had my interview at the start up on Friday. It went so well! They asked me questions that I knew the answer too and a coding question that I could solve. I’m really hoping for the best. I’d love to work there. The vibe is everything! It’s young and trendy and exactly what you’d describe as millennial. I really hope I get it. I’ve already drafted my resignation letter in my head:

Dear [Boss],

I will be leaving [the company].

Kind regards,

Dera

I don’t think I need to further elaborate as to why. I did Google petty but professional ways to quit but I guess diplomacy wins and so to prevent me regurgitating bullshit I don’t believe in, I will keep the letter brief and to the point. I can’t wait to leave this hell hole. If I get to the next stage of the interview process I will approach HR about my position and broach the subject of redundancy.

Is it bad that I don’t find Telis’s tubbiness attractive? Well he knows now. He knows how I feel and how I want to change everything about him – appearance wise. I feel bad. I don’t know if that makes me a bad girlfriend or someone who just wants the best for their boyfriend. Anyway, it was a difficult conversation for me, but he appreciate my honesty and he said I could change him within reason. All I want for him is just to look after himself better. Take pride in his appearance and keep himself looking presentable. I told him I just want us to look sexy together.

I’d never ever ask him to change who he is as a person. I love him most for that, but the physical is still so important and I don’t want to be constantly questioning my attraction to him. He’s perfect for me and if his appearance is all I’m changing, I can’t be that terrible? Just his clothes, shoes, hair, and body – and by body, I mean to a form that’s much healthy and less overweight. I’m even going to get him laser skin resurfacing to help with the scars around his face. He said he wants to change, not for me, but for himself and I guess as long as he’s willing I’ll leave him to it.

I haven’t been sleeping properly since last week. I’ve been really struggling and I think it’s down to anxiety. Last night was a little better, I had earphones in all night listening to white noise. I don’t know how much it helped but this was probably the best sleep I’ve had for a long while and it was still pretty bad. Sleeping next to Telis helped. He relaxes me.

We’re going to Paris this weekend for my 26^th! A few more days and I’m an older old woman, yay! But Paris will be a welcome break from life. And good thing my period started on Saturday; I get to have birthday sex for the first time in my life! The only annoying thing is that we get a twin room with two separate beds. I want to sleep with my baby! Hopefully we can get the rooms changed when we arrive.

For the most part, life is amazing. All inconveniences I’ve faced have been minor and all the changes that are being made have been for the better. I can’t wait for Telis to join me in CapitalCity (providing I get the job) and we can start our life together. If I can tick the third box, my year will be complete.

All before my 26^th birthday I will:

☑ Launch my website

☑ Pass my driving test

🗸 Get a job offer

Oh Journal. What a week.

Monday started off brilliantly – I passed my driving test!

I know, finally! Right?! To be honest, I was sure that I’d done enough to fail but the examiner was so lovely. She probably overlooked a few things, like:

1. Turn left way too wide
2. Stopping last minute at a traffic light and protruding past the line
3. Signalling very late when going round a roundabout
4. Changing straight from first gear into third gear
5. Cutting across two lanes
6. Driving into a restricted area (this one wasn’t entirely my fault though)

I know, my road sins were plenty but I think this makes up for all the times I shouldn’t have failed but did. I’ve had better tests than this one but I guess this is compensation for my last test which should have been passed. Woot woot!

I’m on a new body experimentation journey. It’s nothing I haven’t done before but I’m attempting it again with one variable changed: my age.

Back when I was in my early 20s, like around 22/23, through meditation and repetitive affirmations, I managed to increase my breasts six bra sizes over the course of a year. However, this could have been a fluke and I may have just been a late bloomer. However, now that I’m nearing 26 and puberty is a million miles away I want to see if what I achieved was a case of mind power or if puberty reared it’s ugly head a bit late.

That being said, my breasts have grown! Over the past few days, the bra that I’ve been wearing since my last boob growth spurt no longer fits me! My breasts overflow in them and I think for sure that I can influence my body using only mind.

I’ve tried other sorts of crazy body manipulation, mostly with my boobs because they’re the easiest for me to control. I’ve induced lactation to a point where I’ve had lots of milk squirting out when my breasts were squeezed – I did have help with it in the form of consumables, but it was the speed in which I induced. Within a week I’d be producing a lot of milk and a lot of it came from mental imagery and the ability to tell my body exactly it is I wanted.

This time I’m aiming for a five to six bra size increase. I like doing it when I have period boobs because I’m already producing a lot of oestrogen so close to my period and since my boobs hurt anyway it gives my mind somewhere and something tangible to focus on.

One cup size down (maybe two), four to go.

I took my bra off at work because;

1. My bra doesn’t fit me anymore and my boobs weren’t sitting in them in a way that looked nice
2. I need to give my breasts room to grow without constraints

I am wearing a baggy shirt on top of a t-shirt on top of a vest top so nothing’s really showing, but I need to figure out how to keep some decorum at work.

The telephone interview I had yesterday for that big broking company didn’t go very well. I knew it didn’t on the day but I got a call back today saying I was unsuccessful because I didn’t have enough software development knowledge, which is fair enough. I just hope I have enough knowledge on Friday for my interview at the start up.

I’m “working from home today”. My boss is away and so I used the opportunity to stay at home. I’m absolutely tired! I don’t know what it is. You know when a lethargy just completely takes over you and you can barely focus. That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m using the time to learn Java but my brain is foggy.

I have another upcoming interview for a huge corporate risk and bonding company. I’m going to go for it, however, I’m a bit nervous that I’ll experience what I’ve experienced at my current company by working in a big company. I don’t want to be invisible again.

It’s just annoying how I can easily get entry level roles but never roles for what I’m currently doing but at a higher position.

I think arguments are bonding. Not the sort of shit Igor and I used to get up to that would leave me suicidal. But adult arguments where you talk shit out. Things with Telis and I are going well. We did have a thing on Sunday night when I got hella nostalgic and just wanted to get away from the relationship so I told him I didn’t like how he dressed and how big his belly is. He then went on to ask me why I loved him and told me to list the reasons why. I did then got uber upset because he was “questioning” my love for him. Clearly I was self sabotaging but even still we talked about it and all became well again.

* * *

In other news, I’ve launched my website!!!!

So yesterday my journal turned one, however I didn’t have time to write anything because I was out with my cousins Sun, Cameera and Jay. But the day before yesterday something even better happened!!

I got through to the next round of the interview! I didn’t completely fail the coding challenge. I literally cannot even…! I thought for sure that I had no chance and that would be the end of that but clearly I did something right! All my hard work paid off. I’m so pleased! I saw the email and I was literally so happy! I was pretty down and exhausted on Friday but this really did pick me up a bit! I’ll be having the interview in just over a week’s time. I think I could potentially be leaving my current company very soon! I can’t wait to hand in my notice and say ‘see ya later motherfuckers’.

This also means I’ll be moving back to CapitalCity and probably be living at home with my parents again. But it’s good. I’ll get to save money and hopefully, Telis will be able to save lots too and then we can get a place together. My boyfriend really doesn’t like the idea of us being apart, but it has got to be done. If I can put away 50% of my salary each month, in 6 months we’d be able to afford an actual life together. I’m so excited! I now just need to study lots about the foundations of computer science because my interview will be a bit technical.

Yesterday’s meeting with the cousins was great as always. We ate dinner together then went to get drinks afterwards. It was a pretty chilled affair.

I could be launching my website soon. I spoke to Jay, who has a law degree, about where I’d need to pay tax if I’ve selling to a global market, and he said as long as I’m receiving money into the bank account of the country I’m in, then I’d only need to pay tax to that country. So that’s that.

I’m hoping to achieve three things before my birthday at the end of the month:

1. Get a new job
2. Launch my website
3. Pass my driving test

If I can do it all before then then 2018 would be a very successful year for me!

I love that I don’t have to use my journal as often as I did before; it means that I no longer feel as lonely, worried, anxious, depressed, as I did this time last year.

Happy birthday eve journal!

I can still remember last year like it was yesterday but a whole 364 days later and you realise life flies by way too quickly.

I’ve had some relapses. You know the type: wanting to run away, questioning everything, overthinking, etc. I think it all comes from stress. When I’m mentally exhausted or anxious the first thing I blame is the relationship and it’s always the thing I’m willing to let go of the easiest. But it’s not easy, is it?

This month has really been full of ups and downs. Nothing terrible, just annoying things really. After failing my driving test I was fuming for a good week before I gave a fuck about my next test, which I’ve booked for 19th November.

I felt better after seeing Hands Like Houses live! Hawthorne Heights opened for them so it was amazing seeing two bands that I like! Telis came with me, it was fun! I was buzzing at the end of concert! They performed ‘A Tale of Outer Suburbia’, which I love, it was so good!!

I’ve been relearning Java and been applying for entry level software engineer/developer jobs. So far, I’ve had one telephone interview with a start-up that do stuff with AR. They gave me a coding challenge to create an android application that could use the Twitter API to retrieve video tweets and auto play the videos that were visible on screen. I wasn’t able to do the auto play bit, the method completely eluded me, but I did what I could and learnt a lot, which is the most important thing.

I had a call back from another company and they invited me to an assessment day but I’ve withdrawn my application because the company reviews aren’t very good and I’d be paid very little. I’ll keep applying for jobs anyway, if the AR one doesn’t work out, then at least I’ll have some other potentials lined up.

I think my current company is trying to get rid of me. My boss and I aren’t speaking; he’s given me absolutely no work to do and HR are doing fuck all. The way things are going, they probably want me to get frustrated to the point where I quit but I want them to make me redundant. If I can get a nice pay out from them before moving on to a new company then that would be excellent. I’m playing them at their own game. Whilst I have nothing to do for them, I have loads to do for myself and I’m using my 9 to 5 to learn coding. I am frustrated, but what can I do? They’re not letting me go and there are more valuable people who work here that they’ve gotten rid of. But leaving is something I’m actively working on so soon I’ll be out of their hair.

In other news, I want to get my clitoral hood pierced. I get so little sensation down there because of how hidden my clit is that maybe I need something that will tease it out and improve sex for me. I did have good sex yesterday though. So good! I was riding Telis and using my vibrator, I’m sure I almost climaxed.

Telis has gained weight. I don’t want to sound rude and insulting but I have this preconceived notion of overweight people and I don’t want to see my own boyfriend in that light. It’s just how unhealthy they appear, I don’t like it. I come from a slim family and no one has a food complex. I’m not attracted to fat people, at all, and that’s not to say I’m not attracted to Telis, but I just don’t have to like that he’s fat. Attraction is important and thank God I still want to have sex with him but if he gets any bigger, then we might have a problem. Dare I say it, but I may just have to judge and make a decision based on someone’s physical appearance. Well, I did already, I broke up with the Igorian because he was unattractive to me, well, mostly because he was hurting me emotionally, but the lack of attraction still played a part.

I do love Telis. He’s so good to me. He’s not even ugly. I just wish he looked after himself better. I don’t even think the weight would be a problem if he dressed better. I’m such an edgy chick and sometimes I want my boyfriend to match me on the physical. There’s much potential there but I don’t want to change him and that’s where the problem comes in. If I can’t accept him for who he already is then maybe I’m not the one who’s right for him.

He met my dad! My dad approves. He does make me happy. I know I’m a miserable loser but that never comes from him, I’m just fighting my own internal battles. Being happy is hard because now it feels like nothing is good enough. My relationship isn’t good enough, my boyfriend isn’t good enough, my life isn’t good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough because I’m chasing after this all fulfilling feeling that I had before disappointment came into my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back. I cried over this yesterday. It’s like, you create dreams, dreams you actually believe in, a love you actually believe in and when that fails what’s the point of anything else? My innocence has been stripped away from me, life is no longer this magical realm where everything works out. Why do I need to want something that I once had and failed at?

I know it’s stupid that sometimes my train of thought heads down this route, because for the most part, I am happy but sometimes I’m just not.

Love is a complex thing and maybe it’s just not for me.

I’m ready to launch my website. I just need to get legal advice about running an online service and the legal jurisdictions I’m under. I’m pretty excited. Everything has been set up. Even my business bank account has been approved. I’m ready to take the leap into this next stage of my life. Hopefully everything works out for me before I turn 26 at the end of the month.

I haven’t quit journaling. I’ve just been so preoccupied with many things. I’m actually using my lunch break to submit this entry. One thing that I have quit though is quitting deodorant. I’ve unquit deodorant. Being smelly is not for me. It was nice going natural for a whole month and it’s even nicer to know that 9 out of 10 times I actually don’t smell but I’m not risking it for that one day that I do.

I haven’t really slept well this week because 1) Telis keeps waking up early and 2) I’ve spent many a sleepless night doing the coding challenge. I just want to sleep in tomorrow morning. I deserve it. That coding challenge was hella stressful to be honest. They said it would only take about three hours but it took me a whole week! One night, I even went to bed at 2:30 am. I love coding but it stresses me out because it sends my brain into overdrive and I need to test all my ideas out immediately, even at 2:30 in morning.

I think moving into a new industry would be good for me. I’ve wasted three years at my current company. I’ve gained absolutely nothing and it’s just so unfulfilling, so it’s time to go.

I want to go home early and sleep but I’ll slug it out for the rest of the day.

Anyway, happy birthday eve again Journal. Tomorrow, we celebrate!