Category: Journal

I failed my driving test (again) and you’ll never guess what for? Hesitation. Like what even the fuck is that? I was so annoyed yesterday. Hesitate once, make it a minor, hesitate an unreasonable number of times and failure is deserved. It’s so unfair. I just don’t know what I need to do to pass. I’m just failing for stupid reasons at this point. I should sue a motherfucker.

Can you believe my journal is almost a year old! Last year feels not even that long ago. I pretty much remember a lot of what has happened this pass one year. It’s so weird that we’re already in October. 2018 has been a good year in general. Nothing major has happened except meeting Telis but really, it’s been pretty chilled.

My website is pretty much ready now! I’ve done all the coding necessary for it to work how I need it to work. I’ve written out a list of test cases to perform and if I can pass every single one then I’ll be ready to launch to the general public!

Things are moving forward. However, I still need to change the director’s name of the company to my sister’s before I get my arse fired. My dad has lost the letter I got sent for me to log into the online portal to do just that so I have to wait for another one to arrive and all the while the clock is ticking.

I feel like I’ve been mean to Telis. Yesterday I was a proper misery guts, on account of failing my driving test but I just didn’t want him to touch me or love me or anything. Guess it was just my mood. But I’m not always into him. It doesn’t happen often but when it does I’d rather just push him away.

But we’re cute either way. We wrote a to-do list for our life together, which included, getting married, going to Tokyo, having and adopting kids, and travelling the world. Haha! Who even does that? I love that he indulges me in my silly little fantasies. He’s a good guy with a good heart. I do love him, I just don’t like him all the time, which I guess is fine, but I still choose him regardless.

I really want my company to be a success. I’m so excited for it! Once it picks up I’ll start crowdfunding for an actual website. In the meantime, I’ll continue using the SaaS platform. I’ve been using the 30 day free trial to modify my site and work out the kinks. I have another 11 days before I’ll have to start paying for it; I’ll starting inviting vendors then.

Everything is so good Journal! Despite continuously failing my driving test for stupid reasons, which is an absolute minor anyway, my life is going pretty well. I’m happy.

* * *

I need to remember that my MVP is just that: an MVP. I can’t expect my website to be perfect straight away, I need to give myself time to gauge the successful of the idea. However, I have done a financial forecast and I’m predicting hella dough in the first year. Not millions but at least enough for a startup.

I think I’m going to have an early night tonight. Telis is out with his work colleagues so I haven’t seen him all day but it’s fine, I think I need some me time, especially after all the meanness I’ve been extending towards him.

For some reason, I’ve had Jomi on my mind too. It’s not that I miss him, it’s just more of a nostalgic melancholy: a longing for the past. I was young and full of innocence, I had my best friend by my side and we had fun, life was easy; the worst we ever had to think about was exams. But of course, life did get real after graduation and we lost what made us great – our naivety. I miss those times and sometimes I do wonder if things would have ever been different, but there was a reason we broke up (twice) and I need to remember that. Even if I had him in my life now, it would never be there same as when we were two kids in love and I’d still feel melancholic about it.

Now that brings me to my natural urge to run away. I just feel like I should be alone. Maybe I’m just chasing a feeling of youthful ignorance, where the world is a good place and shit is made out of gold. I don’t expect life to be easy, but maybe deep down, I do. Having conflicting feelings and alternating moods and just having everything suck around me makes me long for a simpler time. But I know it’s not what I want. I want to be loved and to be wanted and I know that comes with it’s own ups and downs. Maybe accepting that is something I struggle with because anytime I sense the slightest negativity in my mindset, I just want to run because to me that means everything is going wrong, when really, nothing is. Maybe every time I’m feeling a little scared I should set myself a task where I list the positives and negatives in my life so that I can put things into perspective because you know how it is, one bad thing can easily cloud the hundreds of good things I have going for me, for real.

Perhaps me being mean to Telis is a way to push him away. I don’t feel trapped or even sad but maybe subconsciously I am looking for ways to self-sabotage for no reason. I’m fighting my own internal battles sometimes, it’s annoying.

Anyway, let me go.

Peace.

Did I say that I’ve quit deodorant? Well I have. I was packing for our trip to Telisland and I asked Telis whether he’d packed his deodorant. He said he doesn’t use any and my face dropped. I was like, ‘no way! But you don’t smell bad’ and boys always smell bad. But if a guy can go daily without deodorant and barely smell of anything other than the cologne he sprayed on that morning, then body odour isn’t what I thought it was. I was inspired to go deodorantless throughout our holiday and I did. And guess what? I didn’t smell bad! At all. Not even a little bit. Amazing! So why have I been using deodorant all this time? I was convinced that if I didn’t use it, I’d be smelling of all types of body odour.

To be honest, I’ve been looking for ways to go natural but I just didn’t know that not using deodorant was enough. Crazy. Thank God I have a clean boyfriend.

I’ve been battling with getting emailing sorted for my website. I already have web hosting for my craft and this journal and I just want to point my new website to my host’s server so I can send and receive emails but it hasn’t been working and it’s frustrating me.

I’m hosing a meetup tonight. I had a big movie meetup last week for Venom while I was out of the country. 17 people went but I couldn’t host them so someone else stepped in. I felt annoyed that I wasn’t around to because it’s the biggest movie trip yet and there were many new faces and I wanted to be there to meet them all, but next time! My meetup is growing, I’m pleased.

I’m thinking about returning to YouTube but I don’t know. We’ll see.

My dear Journal, it has been a while! Man, it’s been an eventful few weeks.

I’m not really sure where to start. Nothing bad has happened, in fact everything has been perfect but there’s just been one thing that’s been bothering me. On the 3rd of this month, it was mine and Telis’ fourth month anniversary and he took me out for an expensive dinner. I was truly happy being with him, our relationship has been great so far. But then I started to feel sad that evening. In fact, I started crying.

I was gripped by guilt, I felt like I was betraying my past love for Jomi by being happy with someone else. I wept for a love that once was, a love that was meant to be forever, and I felt bad that it had been replaced by something new.

I told Telis and he said I was allowed to be happy. And I know I am – I want to be but it’s hard sometimes, especially when once in a long term relationship. The fact that Telis and I are even talking about marriage and starting a family just makes me feel so scared. This was something once promised to me by another and see how that all fell apart. But anyway, whatever.

Telis and I spent five days on an Island in Telisland. It was amazing! We stayed at his friend’s hotel and had a lot to eat and drink. Our room had a beach view so we woke up everyday to the sound of waves. I met a lot of Telis friends, who were all lovely. But the bond I made with some little kitties is what I will cherish the most. The hotel had a family of cats who lived on the grounds and they were so cute! I’d pick them up and hold them – one even fell asleep on me; such affectionate creatures. I’m going back so that I can adopt some! I want cats now!

Telis’ friend, whose hotel we stayed at, was such a lovely host. He kept paying for everything! He rarely let us pay for anything but there was one time we went out for seafood and I said I needed to go to the toilet and I snuck away to instead pay the bill. He wasn’t happy about that! But he’d been so generous, it was the least we could do. Coming back was a little sad. Telis and I both experienced major kindness from everyone we met, so naturally we both shed a tear or two the night before we left. I cried mostly for the cats.

I spoke with Telis‘ mother on the phone on Friday. She’s so lovely, she said she’d like to talk to me more often because I’m a lovely girl. She also asked if I’d taken a jacket with me and that she’s sorry if she’s being motherly but she cares about me. Then she asked if Telis‘ anxiety bothered me, which it doesn’t at all. She’s such a lovely lady. I got lucky with my pick of mother-in-laws. I’m glad!

I wish I journaled day by day during these past few weeks but really, I’ve just been really happy and there hasn’t been much to report.

I mean, travelling with Telis was a breeze. It’s always easy with him so I wasn’t worried. We didn’t stress each other out or annoy one another because that’s just how perfect we are for each other.

But in other news, my sister Elfa came to visit me this weekend in Deraland. She arrived yesterday and Telis and I took her out for drinks and then food. We gave her a tour and then chilled with her. She likes Telis, which is great! She said he’s caring and loving, which is absolutely true. And Telis enjoyed her company. He took us out for table tennis today so that she wouldn’t be bored. He’s lovely. She’ll leave tomorrow while I’m at work.

My website for my business has taken some steps backwards. I’m really annoyed. I won’t talk about it just yet, but I’m hoping to get all testing done by the end of this month and then I’ll start inviting vendors to join and hopefully I can properly launch in January 2019!

Either way, I’m happy. It’s back to work tomorrow, annoyingly, but it’ll just give me time to work on my business. I’ve actually registered it as a company, which I’m not legally allowed to do because contractually, at work, I can’t have a second job. So I will put the company under my sister’s name.

Anyway, bedtime. Until next time Journal.

Journal, I’ve been a busy bee. It’s been a week since I started putting together my business idea and what can I say? Much progress has been made. I have my minimum viable product ready, as in my marketplace is all set up and ready to go. I just have some tweaks to make here and there, then I can start inviting people to join.

I’m really nervous. I couldn’t sleep on Friday night. My heart was just racing because this was actually real. I have a website that works – this is no longer just a concept. Everyone who I’ve told says that it’s a really good idea and will be successful. I hope so!

I went out yesterday with Telis and some of his Telisan friends. We drove to the coast and enjoyed our day out. The weather was lovely! But I was reluctant to go because I just wanted to stay in and work on my website but you know what they say? All work and no play makes Dera a dull girl and I really do need to strike a balance or I’ll burn myself out.

This morning, Telis bought me flowers (again) to commend me on all my hard work. He’s cute. I love him! We’re travelling together next week too! I can’t wait. I’ve never had a guy love me as much as Telis has or at least expressed their love as much as Telis does. It’s heart-warming and vagina-warming too.

I really could have a successful business up and running before my 26th birthday. Wow. I really hope it works out. I might even quit my job. Haha!

I spent the better part of Friday and yesterday trying to come up with a name for the business that was available on all social media channels and in a .com format. I had Telis and Sana trying to help me. But it was so hard. The majority of domain names were already taken or cost a whole load of money but I decided to go with the one that Telis and Sana both liked, I’d spent so long trying to come up with something that at that point, I didn’t care anymore – I had to move on. I’m still unsure about it but then again, it’s my business so nothing would ever be perfect enough.

I don’t want to say what the business is or what it’s called because it will give away my identity but there’s so much potential in it! But if I do get famous, Journal, I’ll let you know. Telis also has a brilliant idea that I think will work! I’m proud of us. Power couple status pending!

I had the interview on Friday for that marketing role. To say that there are levels to success would be an understatement. My current workplace versus where I interviewed, they don’t even come close to each other. You can tell which one clearly has money. And the interview itself was basic. I’m not really sure the interviewer woman even wanted to be there. But it’s fine, I won’t be taking the job anyway.

I’m playing football today at work’s football tournament. I’m the striker for the girl’s team. It should be fun. I played last year and scored two goals! Hopefully I’ll do even better this year! Telis is coming to watch me, my little cutie.

Yesterday we had good sex! We used my little vibrator and I rode him like there was no tomorrow. I think I had some small orgasms like multiple times and he was having fun too.

Everything seems to be looking up. I think a lot of what was wrong with me was that I was feeling like a failure. But now that I have a new focus, I’m much happier and I’m out of my head, so I can enjoy being with Telis and having sex with him.

I have a good feeling about this business and I have an advantage. I already have a 23,000 YouTube following, 5,000 Instagram following and several subscribers on my blog and they are the exact people who make up my target audience. Advertising to them will be easy! So finger’s crossed! Here’s hoping it all works out.

I applied for a job on LinkedIn and two hours later I got an interview for tomorrow. It’s a graduate role…

In marketing.

See, I’m in two minds about it. Marketing is 100% what I should be doing but I can’t help but feel like my engineering degree would be a massive waste. I’d going from relying on technical knowledge to solely my soft skills. I am a people person and I love communicating and working with others, but what about being an engineer?! What will happen to that?

Plus, I’ll be going backwards in my career. I’d essentially be starting from the beginning, which probably means less money. But if it takes me out of this hell hole, then why not, eh?

I don’t want to be chronically depressed. Is that even a thing? How does anyone exist in this state? In a state of incompletion? I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday, I’ll talk to him about it.

* * *

My new phone has arrived! I bought a OnePlus 6 two days ago! I’m happy that I’ve finally upgraded to something that doesn’t resemble a device from 2016. Two years is a long time in the technological world, the difference between my old and new phone is crazy.

Anyway, I think I’m feeling ok. I’m currently at Telis’ place. It’s 11:30pm and I’ve been waiting for him here since I finished from work. Silly Telis. Anyway it’s fine – I won’t be staying up for him.

I’m really starting to like the idea of peer-to-peer custom clothing. There’s a peer-to-peer initiative for almost every industry but not so much this one. The stance I’m be going for is a platform for fashion designers to sell their products but also since we’re living in a body positive era it’ll be like giving everyone the opportunity to buy clothes catered to every shape. I’ll spin it with some feminism/political correctness stuff.

I got a bad review at work. I got graded a C which is really bad. I went straight to HR and told the HR lady that I wanted to move out from the department. I cried. It’s annoying, I wasn’t fed back how terrible I was doing and then suddenly I find out from my half yearly review that I’m doing shit. Thanks! Anyway whatever. I just really, really, desperately need to leave the company altogether. I’m still applying for jobs, but nothing…

Things really do suck, but I don’t want to be sad. I need to count my blessings, however small, so here goes:

• I can afford to buy a new phone without thinking about how much it’s costing me
• I’m in a healthy relationship with someone who loves me more than I think I’ve ever been loved by anyone before

Can’t really think of anything else that’s going for me right now but at least I ain’t dead.

Anyway, if I’m going to suck, I might as well do it well. At least that can be something I succeed at. Woot woot!

I borderline feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. Nothing feels real. I’m just floating and not really expecting my feet to ever touch the ground again.

I just can’t seem to make anything feel as if I’m living my actual life. I’m like a stranger in my own body functioning in autopilot and I’m losing control. I’m just watching each day go by. I don’t have a passion for anything. I barely feel like I’m in a relationship with the man I love. Everything just seems disconnected from me.

I keep getting haunted by the wrongs I may have done in past relationships. Am I a bad person? Did I have something that made me feel but then I ruined it? Maybe everything failing was my fault. Perhaps I just don’t have the ability to do anything right?

I’m in a relationship that makes me happy yet somehow I’m still not myself. I don’t think I can trust myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be happy in a fully functioning life again. I’ll forever be floating…

None of my decisions feel like my own.

I think I really am depressed.

And I don’t know why.

I feel suffocated by my inability to feel. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what caused it. I think I really am my happiest when single. I don’t want to blame it on relationships but I think there’s something that happens when I’m in one. I live in a constant state of anxiety. How do I face all the hurt and darkness I’ve suffered? The mistrust for myself and the craziness I’ve felt?

I’m haunted.

I’m haunted by feeling so low I’ve wanted to kill myself. I’m haunted by feeling so alone I’ve wanted to run away. Do I address the things and people that have made me feel that way?

Do I say to Igor how he made me feel less than and competely stripped away any confidence I had in myself? Do I tell him that he made me feel inadequate, like being myself wasn’t enough and my thoughts weren’t worth shit? Or perhaps I say instead that it was actually my fault. That I was a miserable motherfucker who just couldn’t be happy regardless of what was done for her?

I’m not even sad. I just feel detached. I want to feel like myself again. Like in living my life. And I’m feeling my emotions.

I love Telis so much. It would be nice to feel it too.

I think I’m depressed. I’ve lost motivation to do anything. I don’t even want to have sex. I just feel like anything I do never works. I can’t YouTube properly, I can’t start a business properly, I can’t be busy properly, I can’t go to the gym properly, I can’t get a new job properly, I can’t have sex properly. I know this is self-defeatist behaviour but sometimes it’s how I feel. Especially yesterday. I feel better today, I spoke with Telis. He made me feel better.

I probably do put a lot of pressure on myself and don’t take time out to celebrate my little success, which I definitely should do, but I feel like I haven’t progressed in any way. But whatever, maybe my craft should remain a hobby, and so should YouTube. Maybe I shouldn’t try and be a fashion designer, maybe I have been forcing that stance because fashion design is the only thing I have right now. Maybe I just need a new focus that works for me.

So after much talk with Telis, I’m thinking events organising. It’s the only thing I’ve consistently done throughout my adult life and consistently never gotten bored of. At university I used to host gatherings and lots of people would turn up and we’d have an amazing time. It was my thing and it became something that I was known for. Now, I run a sci-fi and fantasy meet up and I love it! I love hosting people and interacting with them and seeing them interact with others – it’s just so me. So I’m going to brainstorm the sort of event’s organising I can do. I’m not thinking big parties, I want something more useful and niche.

So, here goes nothing!

Also, after dropping my laptop and watching it die in front of me, I ordered and installed a new hard drive. Well actually it’s a solid state hybrid and it works amazing! My laptop feels like a brand new system, I’m happy. It’s been going six years strong. Here’s to another six years! But while my laptop is flourishing, my phone is completely dying. The battery literally drops from around 70% to 0% in about 1 minute. Once it hits 38% is just dies. I suspect it’s the new screen that I got fitted drawing too much power. Whatever it is, I need a new phone.

I’ve reattached the elastic to my wig and it fits well and looks amazing! No more messing with adhesives to keep it suck down. I feel much more comfortable with the elastic band.

I’ve been feeling weird in my relationship. I have this thing where I feel like I’m on the outside looking into my own life. I never fully feel like Telis is mine and so I experiences feel like something I’m witnessing as opposed to participating in. It’s probably to do with my anxiety. I’m still trying to run away from the relationship and I don’t know why. Things feel amazing, but to me it just seems too good to be true and I want to escape before shit hits the fan. I already think that I’m going to mess things up. That what I’m feeling isn’t real and one day I’ll suddenly start feeling negative emotions about the relationship or just feel nothing for Telis. It’s my fear. That I won’t ever be happy in a relationship. I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ll work on it, I guess.

Journal, I feel like a failure.

Anyway, yesterday sucked. Telis basically called me dumb, but whatever. He was just joking but I was hurt so refused to speak to him and then he ran away and cried (literally), so I had to stop ignoring him.

But even more awkward was bumping into Igor in town on Wednesday while I was with Telis. I didn’t know how to react! I looked at him so I could smile reassuringly, not that that would do anything, but he wasn’t looking at me anyway. I felt bad. No one wants to see their ex happy with someone else, well maybe from a distance, after at least a year of grieving, but Igor and I happened not so long ago. I got over him pretty much immediately, I’m hoping it was the same for him.

Journal! I feel like a failure!!

I’m itching for success. Nothing I’ve done has made me hella successful. I feel like the clothing line won’t happen because I have no idea what sort of clothes to design. And I don’t want to do YouTube anymore. I’m just so stressed thinking about it. I don’t want to think about, but if I don’t, I’ll remain complacent and I’ll still be complaining about the same thing I’m complaining about now in a years’ time. I hate this.

I really want to start a business. So badly. I want to do my own thing and make my own money that way. I just don’t think I’ve found that killer idea that works for me. I can’t keep being a Jack of all trades, I need a focus. Maybe I should reconsider fashion design? I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

I’ve been applying to jobs again. So many different types; engineering, marketing, brand manager. I really don’t know what I want. I revamped my resume again, however. Maybe this time, I’ll start getting responses. Let’s see.

Yesterday, I retook and passed the theory part of learning to drive. Now I can continue attempting to pass the driving test. I just want to achieve one more thing this year. Just one thing. I’m fed up of feeling like a failure who can’t make decisions for themselves.