Category: Journal

Wow, wow, wow. Where to start?

Ok, where did I leave off? Yes, on Friday, I was spotting and well, my period started on the Saturday! It was 16 days late but at least it started.

I got back to Deraland in the evening and Telis met me at the train station. I was so happy to see him! I’d been missing him so much and there he was, standing there, waiting for me. My baby…

Hand in hand we walked around town, did some shopping for the following day’s travel (he bought some clothes for his sister and I bought a cheap clutch bag I could carry at the wedding) then went back to my place so that I could pack. I finally had the opportunity to try on the new wig I’d bought as I’d taken out my braids on Thursday night. It looked good and suited me! I just had to figure out how to cut the lace and secure the thing to my head.

I borderline began throwing a tantrum on account of misplacing both of my small scissors and not being able to find them and I needed to trim the lace on them, so Telis said I could just cut it off at his place as he had small scissors I could use.  so I was more than happy with his suggestion.

Back at Telis’ place I had a shower then I messed around with the wig until it was stuck to my head, while he packed, then we slept. We could only get about five hours sleep so upon waking up, we were both ridiculously sleepy. The taxi came to pick us up at around 4 a.m. on Saturday morning and drove us to the airport.

At the airport we had breakfast and then flew from there to Telisland! It was a pleasant flight, we both slept fitfully through it but eventually we landed in Telis‘ homeland. I was so nervous! His parents were picking us up and meeting parents for the first time is always nerve racking affair.

To be honest, I had very little to worry about. From the onset, his parents were so lovely and welcoming towards me. Upon picking us up, his dad drove us around the city, showing me the architecture of ancient civilisations past. It was really amazing to see the juxtaposition of old and new side by side. Then we drove to Telis’ place. His flat was in the same building as his parents but was two floors below theirs so after settling down we went upstairs to eat lunch.

His mother had prepared so much food for us, which all tasted amazing. Of course I was still very nervous so wasn’t so talkative but made conversation with his family, including his sister, when I could. As English isn’t their first language it wasn’t so fluent for them but we communicated well enough.

After lunch, Telis’ mother kept bringing things out for me to try. I was already full up but she brought out food upon snacks upon drinks. To say her hospitality was overwhelming would be an understatement. She made me feel so welcome, she even told me I should feel at home there.

I helped tidy up because that was the least I could do and told her that the food was delicious in Telisan. She then said I was a beautiful and nice girl and my mother must be proud of me. How sweet.

Telis and I then went down to his flat and chilled for a bit. Then we headed out into the city centre. We were meant to be meeting up with one of his friends but due to some disruptions to public transportation because of some political event happening in the city that day, he couldn’t make it so Telis and I hung out together. He first took me to a rooftop bar where we had a couple of cocktails each. It was cool, we talked loads and it was nice. I love talking to him. It’s not all the time we have deep conversations but when we do it’s just so easy and natural. We spoke about our past and our future wants and needs. It was actually quite bonding. I love him more and more every day. Afterwards, he took me around some social spots and then we grabbed some local fast food. We finished the night with ice cream and then went home to sleep.

Sunday morning was where things got fun. We woke up early because my gynaecologist appointment was that morning. I wasn’t looking forward to it. His father drove us to the doctor with his mother and sister also in tow. I was literally cringing internally. It was a proper family affair. Luckily only Telis and his mother followed me inside.

Upon our arrival, the doctor asked me to explain what the problem was. I was dying inside. His mother was sat right there and her and Telis were both looking at me. Telis sent his mother out then explained to the doctor the issue in Telisan because I’m guessing he probably didn’t really understand English.

Then he told me to go into the examination room and take off my bottoms and underwear. He got out a rod and slid a condom on top of it. I assumed the ultrasound would be done on my stomach but the rod was to go inside me. I was like, omg, help. I had to explain that I had my period shit inside me and nothing was going up there. The doctor told me to take it out and he and Telis left the room while I removed my menstrual cup. I was in the process of rinsing it out with my underwear down my ankle when they returned.

I was literally dying little by little from embarrassment. I got up on the bed and the doctor stuck the rod up me. It was ridiculously fast. He was literally in and out in about ten seconds. I asked Telis if my internals looked beautiful and the doctor responded with, ‘very beautiful.’ Haha! When he was done I put my menstrual cup back in, got dressed and then the doctor gave Telis a quick debriefing in Telisan. I was busy wishing for the ground to swallow me up while they conversed about my internals but the gist of the conversation was that I was healthy. Apparently my pain was from the cervix and not my ovaries, where it was trying to push out the blood but obviously my hormones were imbalanced due to the pill so no period for two whole weeks.

The good news is, there nothing wrong with me. I’m not broken or infertile and I can have kids! Yay!

After that, his father picked us up and gave us a more in depth tour of the city. We saw some really old churches and murals from centuries ago. He gave us an explanation at each site we travelled to, with Telis translating it into English for me. Then we went for some coffee at a quaint café. It was nice. I spent time with his family and it was just as easy as being with Telis is. I love his family and their dynamic. I’m actually so touched by how forthcoming they are, they raised an amazing boy whom I’ve come to love dearly and they themselves are just as wonderful.

Telis and I were then dropped off at another café where we were to meet his friends. I met two of his friends that Sunday afternoon. They were both really cool and funny. They bantered, told stories and chatted. Most of it was in Telisan but they did speak English now and again. I did enjoy their company either way but I’m now making it my life’s mission to be fluent in Telisan so that I can join in with conversations with his family and friends. Anyway, we ate lunch with Telis’ friends at one of his favourite restaurants and his friends told me stories. It was a great afternoon. However, I was so paranoid about my wig because it wasn’t stuck to my head properly so the lace kept lifting up and I was worried that people would be able to see it. Needless to say, I was quick to rip it off when I returned to Telis’ place.

With no wig, I needed to style my natural hair for the wedding. I did a braid parallel to the front of my forehead and pulled the rest of my hair back into a poufy tail. It was a good look, especially after I’d done my makeup. The dress suited the occasion well and I paired it with some open toed stilettos. Telis wore a proper three piece suit, he looked very handsome and in my head, I was like, ‘yeah, that’s my man!’

Telis’ dad drove us to the wedding and Telis and I got to witness the union of his friend and his wife. I also had a chance to see a traditional Telisan wedding, which was a good opportunity, since I could potentially be having one myself. Once the ceremony was over, we were driven to the reception venue by one of Telis’ friends where the festivities continued.

To cut a long story short, being in a place where you don’t know the people or speak the language can be very isolating. By the end of the night I was so overwhelmed by everything I’d experienced that weekend that I just wanted to shut myself out. It was actually a lot and I felt quite upset. I tried my best during the wedding to participate, I danced and had as much fun as I could. But I did all that for Telis. I wanted him to enjoy himself, I didn’t want to let my insecurity ruin the evening for him.

However, when we returned back to his place, I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be alone. It wasn’t his fault. But the whole night, I just sat there, no one spoke to me and I couldn’t really participate in conversation as everyone was speaking in Telisan so all I really needed was space to recuperate. After some prolonged silence, I eventually did tell him that it was a lot for me, and he apologised. He didn’t need to – it was fine, but he said his friends didn’t even try and he was angry. I don’t blame him, I don’t blame anyone. It was just too much for me, that’s all.

My friends and family all speak English so Telis being around them wouldn’t be too isolating for him. For me, it’s much harder. I’m not complaining, I just want to be able to speak with people but I’m working on it.

Telis and I returned to Deraland yesterday. It was tiring. The whole weekend we were going to bed late and waking up early and even when we returned, we couldn’t rest. I had a meetup I was hosting on Monday evening, which meant that Telis and I could only get an hour to ourselves before I had to meet my guests. We had dinner then went to the meetup. It was fine. Lots of new faces and they all had fun. We played games and chatted. Just the usual stuff. After that we went to my place to grab some clothes then went to his to sleep.

Now, today, I saw Kirby briefly. He came into work and he updated me on what was happening. He said he is finished with his parents and when he has gotten his life on track he’s going to get a restraining order against them. They’re currently on holiday in South Africa, which they went on without him, so he’s staying at their place until they return – after that, he’ll be homeless. I told him his first priority is looking for somewhere new to live and I’ll help him with that. He’s just had some very unfortunate things happen to him and now he’s in a difficult situation. The most I can really do is be there for him because he feels like he has no one and no one is helping him. Telis keeps telling me to be careful, and I will. I’m not going to be offering him a place to stay but I will help him get back on his feet again.

I’m also meeting up with Casper after work today. It would be good to see his face.

Ok, so now that I have written a very long summary of my weekend, I need to talk about my thoughts and feelings.

I love Telis. A lot. Being there in Telisland with him and meeting his family just made that love much stronger. There’s no doubt in my mind that I have found my forever. Being with him is like breathing. I can be such a drama queen, I never take anything seriously and I’m just generally silly, but he doesn’t make me feel like being me is a bad thing. The things that other guys have disliked he absolutely loves about me. He’s very affectionate towards me and I don’t have to question whether or not he’s into me. He’s thoughtful, he’s honest and he’s mature. He’s everything I need and want.

More especially I love his family. As a black person, you can’t help but worry that you’re going to be disliked because of the color of your skin. But I didn’t feel marginalised by them. They were very open and just so lovely. They’re just genuinely good people and that makes me happy. I’d be more than happy to be to be a part of his family.

I’m on the plane back home. I thought I’d use this time to write some updates. The most pressing one being my period.

I’m currently 15 days late but this morning I had a bit of spotting. I was wiping and there was a tiny bit of barely-there blood on the tissue.

And that was it.

I thought the flow would continue but I guess not. Usually when I spot prior to my period starting, it’s continuous until the blood starts flowing in earnest. I actually got excited to see red, but alas, it was not as it seemed.

I’ve been having anxiety over this. I’m not even sleeping properly. I went on holiday to relax and instead all I did was stress over my missing period. It’s fine. I told Telis that I was spotting but not to cancel the doctors appointment tomorrow until my period actually started. I’m now convinced that I’m not pregnant. There’s just no way I could be. But why the morning after pill would affect my ovaries is beyond me.

I’m actually really nervous about seeing the doctor. And even more nervous to take a pregnancy test. If I take one and it’s positive, then that’s a whole new something to think about. If it’s negative, I know I’ll be slightly disappointed but I’d be more concerned that there’s something else wrong with me.

I’d love to have a baby with Telis. I know we haven’t been together long but I love him and he’d be an amazing father. He’s so amazing. I’d start a family with him in a heartbeat. If I am pregnant, I wouldn’t be sad. I’d be excited. I’d be starting a life with the man I love. We’d have our own little family. Nothing more amazing than that.

On Tuesday, my sister, Tas, and I did some water sports. It was fun. We rode on a jet boat with my sister driving, a flying fish ride and a parachute thing. The flying fish is basically an inflatable thing you sit on and hold onto tight while a speedboat drags you along. Tas and I both flew off it and ended up in the middle of the sea. It was so funny! We had to drag each other back onto the flying fish thing. Haha! We saved each other’s lives!

Then yesterday we went on a day trip with the parents. It was nice exploring the country. I managed to finally buy some bookmarks. I have a thing where I buy bookmarks from every country I visit. Even Telis bought me a few when he travelled last month. I’m planning on having a collection. Bookmarks are my thing because I read a lot.

I took a lot of what Telis bought me on his trip with me on my holiday; the two earrings, the cute little backpack and the purse. I have the best boyfriend. I can’t wait to see him tonight. We’ll be waking up early tomorrow to catch our flight to Telisland so we’d have to sleep early but even sleeping next to him will be more than enough for me.

I’ve never had anxiety sleeping next to him. I don’t know how he has such a calming effect over me. I love him loads. I want to give so much to him but all I can do is be the best girlfriend and love and support him wholeheartedly. I even want to meet his family, I’m nervous but they’re already so lovely to me; his mother wanted to greet me on the phone the other day to help put me at ease but I ran away. But I’m definitely looking forward to meeting them. I’m even trying to be good enough with my Telisan so I can communicate a little bit with them in their own language. Plus, they’re going to be my family soon and this weekend, getting to know them will be my priority. I hope they like me.

I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.

I’m in pain and I want to cry because it hurts. It’s like someone is stabbing me in my right ovary and occasionally the left one comes out to join in with the fun. It’s not fair. I take one pill and my whole reproductive system breaks down. I’m still not bleeding out of my vag and everything’s just not working. I’m 13 days late! My cycle will be on day 40 tomorrow! This pill has fucked everything up. But then again, I could just be pregnant. And if that’s the case then how?!

I just can’t wait to get back home and have this sorted. Telis wants me to visit a doctor when we get to Telisland this weekend but I don’t want to. But maybe I should, because I could die.

And to add fuel to my fire, my boobs are starting to hurt. Maybe my period will start after all.

11 days late.

And what makes it even more annoying is that I’m meant to be on holiday relaxing but instead I’m worried about a period gone AWOL.

My whole family, minus Elfa, came on holiday which is good, so at least I’m not alone with my mother.

The weather here is nice. Not much else to say about that. I did go to a water park with my sister. We went on one water slide that was basically vertical. The drop was crazy and I wanted to back out but the safety guy pushed me in. I was shaking for at least an hour after. The adrenalin properly kicked in.

But back to my messed up menstrual cycle.

Since last Monday, I’ve been having one sided pressure/dull ache on the right side of my pelvis. It’s fine. It could just be the pill doing its damage. I think I could have a cyst now. Like the excess hormones just made my body go crazy. I just hope nothing in there is broken.

Or perhaps I’m pregnant. But I don’t think so because I can’t recall Telis and I ever messing up. Plus the pregnancy test said negative… So…

I’ll take another one when I return.

* * *

I cried the other night before I left for holiday. I just haven’t been feeling like myself and everything that I’d been holding in just came out. With the whole Kirkby situation I’d been so emotionally detached from it. But I just felt so sad on Thursday night. I felt sad about what he was going through. I felt sad that I fucked up at work. I felt sad that my body was failing me. I was just sad! And I cried. And Telis cried with me.

I feel OK now.

Telis is really pushing himself to lose weight  I feel like it’s my fault. Like my comment made him go overboard. I just don’t want him to hurt himself.

I love him and I love the way he is. I got with him as he was so I don’t expect him to change. But as long as he’s doing it for himself and being safe about it then it’s fine.

So I did the test. I’m not pregnant. So now all I can do is sit and wonder whether or not I’m broken. I’ll probably have to see a doctor since my period is six days late and there’s not even a hint of red. I know it probably is the pill messing things up but it’s just so annoying. I want it to start so I at least know I’m ok.

I’m currently sorting out my whole fuck up at work. My boss isn’t even mad. It probably isn’t that huge of a deal but because it was something I was responsible for, I feel terrible. I don’t want to be seen as incompetent. I’m just running around trying to fix my mess. Coming clean was probably the best thing I could have ever done but fear of the unknown is the worst.

And it looks like I’ll be going on holiday alone with my mother. My sister Elfa is retaking exams and Tas is starting a new school, so dad will stay at home with her.

I’ll go. It’s good to take a break but spending a whole week with my mother… Well, let’s see how that goes.

I feel a whole lot less stressed. I think just having a negative pregnancy test helped relieve some of my worries. I even got a bit kinky with Telis last night. I wore a lace piece, and waited for him to arrive at my place where my sexy body awaited him. And let’s just say that going to gym wasn’t necessary last night.

I’ve already accepted that my period won’t start so I might as well make the most out of it. I’ve stopped cramping, I don’t know what that means, so maybe I don’t know my body as intimately as I thought I did. All I know is that I’m never taking the pill again!

My baby is back! I’ve literally needed him these past few days and now he’s finally here. The only thing is, I just haven’t been with it recently and so I’m not really myself.

Where do I start? Me living my own real life horror story or my period being five days late?

Ok, my period. It’s late. By five days. I’ve tried to calculate different ways where it won’t be late, i.e. Calculating when it should be due if my previous period wasn’t early. Calculating when it should be due from the beginning of my last period. Calculating how late it needs to be before it’s officially late late. And it’s officially late late now. Regardless of what my calculations are, it is five days late (the latest it’s ever been in my whole life) from when my last period started and it’s one day late from when I should be due if my last period wasn’t early. I have been getting slight cramps since yesterday. Nothing major. Cramping for an hour and then nothing for the rest of the day. But I guess that means my period is imminent.

I’ve tried everything to get it to start. I’ve had sex. I’ve drank orange and pineapple juice. I even had a near orgasm which should have helped with getting things flowing. Nothing. I feel like there’s no blood in there. The last time I saw blood was around the time I should have ovulated. I spotted for a bit; it was there but barely visible. I’ve never bled between cycles so it was strange for me but I just put it down to ovulation bleeding because of the emergency pill. But I may not have ovulated at all and just bled for no reason.

I still have no PMS symptoms. My boobs don’t hurt and I’m barely cramping. I seriously think the pill has broken me. I don’t even think I’m pregnant. My whole cycle is a mess so who knows what’s happening in there? For all I know, I’m ovulating right now and my period won’t come for another two weeks or something. I’ve just been so stressed and worried that I’ve been in my head for the whole weekend. I hate period stress.

My mind has definitely been elsewhere. Not only have I been ridiculously sleepy for the past few days, but I also don’t seem to be functioning properly. I dropped my phone and smashed the screen yesterday. I then underestimated how close to the edge of the bed I was and went to place my laptop beside me and dropped it on the floor instead. I just wanted to hide from the world. I was failing miserably at being alive. All I wanted to do was cry.

And to make matters even more complex, I’m living in a horror movie. Why is my life like this?!

The whole situation with Kirby just isn’t getting better. When I spoke with him on Sunday, after going back home to his parents, he told me he was back in Deraland but had been kicked out of his accommodation here and so had nowhere to stay. He was roaming around town not really doing anything. He went into the office because work was the only place he could go to with electricity. He then asked if he could stay at my place and I said he could – I was hoping Telis would be reluctant and tell me not to allow him, but he didn’t say anything so I gave Kirby the access codes to my room, which means he can now enter my room at any time.

After dropping his stuff off at my place, Kirby came over to Telis’ flat to sit and chat with us for a bit. When he left, Telis could also see that he wasn’t in his right frame of mind and knew there and then that it was a mistake for me to give him the codes to my room.

Monday came and Telis and I went to CapitalCity for a carnival. My friend Sana came along and met him too. It was lovely. Telis and I danced and he got to see a bit of my culture which was good! We then went back to Deraland and I needed to go back to my place to get some clothes as I was staying over Telis’ place that night.

Upon my arrival into my room, I was instantly lost for words. The whole room was steamy and damp, Kirby’s and my stuff was all over the floor and I couldn’t compute what exactly was happening. Kirby was in my bathroom doing God-knows-what and I was generally confused. I called out to him and he said he was cleaning my bathroom as a way to say thank you for letting me stay. I went into my bathroom to see, to my astonishment, that everything was all over the place. And wet. Every surface was saturated and I didn’t know if I should cry or just leave.

I made to start drying every surface and putting everything back to where it should have been while Kirby packed to leave and Telis kept himself composed. My razor head was missing, my shower gel was pretty much empty, my pack of antibacterial wipes had been ripped open; everything just wasn’t as it should be. He left and I was deflated. Emotionally gone.

I was already pretty defeated from the constant worrying over my missing period. Now I had to deal with my friend who wasn’t dealing very well with himself.

I reached out to his sister on Facebook to keep her updated on what was going on with him but he was basically hiding from the police and his parents and no one really knew what he was doing or where he was going.

He came into work today and spoke to HR himself. The story he told was different to what he told me or what I’d heard from his sister, but at least he’ll be going back home with his parents and seeing a doctor.

Anyway, Sana met Telis and she said he’s nice and isn’t an airhead and that he really likes me and he’s genuinely interested in my culture. Which is all true. I’m so happy he’s back. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time these past few days and it’s nice to have him to lean on. Especially with the whole Kirby situation and fucking up at work and my missing period.

We went to the gym together on Sunday. It was fun. Actually having him there motivates me to work hard and push myself further. I think we’ll be sexy in no time.

On Saturday, I got myself drunk because I wanted to have wild sex with him. I’ve just been so stuck in my head that I haven’t wanted to have sex. But in my drunken state, I was mean to him. I actually feel terrible. I told him he was fat and he should lose weight. Which, for my standards, is horrible! I’m appalled. There’s a way to say things but every form of diplomacy went straight out of the window and I was just plain rude. I know I hurt him and I feel so bad. I’m disappointed in myself because being drunk isn’t an excuse. I love him and I didn’t mean it as explicitly as it sounded. I’m already an honest person and fair enough, he called him fat but I don’t think I have any right to tell him what to do about it. Being drunk just didn’t help. And why I brought up his body in the first place is beyond me. I need to make it up to him.

I think I’ll take a pregnancy test today or go to the doctor. Today was the deadline I gave myself before I escalated my situation. I know I’m not pregnant but what else can I do? I need to check at least one box so I have less things to worry about.

Understandably, the pill must have delayed my period. That I can accept. If my hormones are all over the place from taking a pill over a month ago, then fair enough, but I’ve had no PMS symptoms to indicate that my period is coming. Even if it is going to be late, I should have sore breasts or something. But fair enough again if I don’t. I hadn’t been cramping until yesterday. In that situation, when the cramps appear, I either start spotting or my period begins within the next day but I haven’t even seen a hint of blood.

I made sure I had sex last night in case my period was ready to start from all that cramping, but my cervical juices were as clear as day. Not even a spec of red. But the cramping could also be an indication of ovulation, but that doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. So I’ll see a doctor and get some answers.

Before I jump into the dramatics of yesterday, I just want to say how fresh the skin on my face is looking. It’s a smooth blemish-free canvas. And it’s 100% not synonymous with someone who should be starting their period like yesterday. I’m usually hideous right before my period. I breakout in spots, my skin is a rashy mess and I just feel icky. Anyway it’ll start when it wants to start. I read that the emergency pill tends to delay your second period, so I’ll just wait.

Ok, now the drama.

Yesterday afternoon at work, I was sitting at my desk minding my own business and a lady from HR comes up to me and says she needs to talk to me that it’s an emergency. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on until she sits me down in an enclosed room and tells me that Kirby is missing. In my head, I’m like, right. She goes on to tell me that the police have been in touch, a missing persons report has been filed and whether I’ve heard anything from him. I say no. At that point, the last time I’d seen him was on Tuesday and I hadn’t heard from him since then. She asked me to call him and see if I could get through to him. So I go back to my desk and I call his personal number. And someone else picks it up.

Immediately I say, ‘Hey Kirby, are you ok?’ but the person on the phone tells me that this isn’t Kirby. Kirby had basically left his phone at a bar, where this guy works, and he had held onto it for him. He then tells me that Kirby had been there the night before and had been telling him about his gambling escapades. I informed him that Kirby had been reported missing and then we ended the conversation.

I then went onto Facebook messenger and messaged him, ‘where you at?’ I saw he was last online three hours ago and so I was somewhat relieved that he was at least still alive. I went to update the lady in HR about my findings then went back to work.

To be honest, I wasn’t really worried. I concluded that he’d just left his phone at the bar and so no one was able to get through to him, hence why they thought he was missing. But come the evening, he replies to my Facebook Messenger message, ‘Just been super busy.’ The conversation carries on up until the point where I’m dressed and ready to leave for the gym. He asks if I want to meet up and I tell him I’m going to the gym so can’t see him for long. He tells me he’s staying at a hotel that just happens to be a few doors down from my place and that I should meet him there.

A few minutes later, I arrive at his hotel and we go up to his room.

To cut a long story short, Kirby wasn’t himself at all. He was slightly erratic and his behaviour was so uncharacteristic I knew that he wasn’t ok mentally. He was brandishing about thick stacks of cash, going on about how he’d been gambling and winning tens of thousands and that when he told his friends they didn’t believe him and that they were telling him he was crazy and that he was acting weird. One friend even called his parents about his behaviour, who then called the police, hence the law enforcement’s involvement.

Kirby then continued on with a whole load of stories. Mostly theorising gambling games and ways to play the system, which were all secrets he couldn’t share. In fact, the reason he was in hospital the other day was because he was testing out a fire starting hypothesis in his garden and he managed to get splinters stuck in his foot. He went to remove the splinters with a knife and ended up cutting his foot right through an artery. He was losing a lot of blood, all the while frantically seeking help from his housemates, his neighbours and even strangers from the street but no one came to his help and the ambulance were taking a long time to arrive. He couldn’t find his keys either, so he was unable to drive himself to accident and emergency. He was basically in an impossible situation.

The ambulance came and he was taken to the hospital. He had made them aware that he had a knife on him but they did nothing about it. When he arrived at the hospital, he was seen to and then was moved to a waiting area. The police then arrived. He told them he had a knife on him and they asked him to give it to them. They basically wouldn’t let him take the knife off his person and end up wrestling him to the ground in front of everyone. Kirby said that that experience basically traumatised him and now he’s scared of the police.

So when his parents called the police about him, he was so mad at them because they knew how the police had treated him and yet they still called on him the one thing that he was actually afraid of. He continues telling me the story of how the police then turns up at the hotel looking for him. Apparently they’d tracked his phone and car to the hotel and so he’d decided to rent another car and buy a new phone.

At one point, I go back to my place to get changed out of my gym clothes. I’d already made up my mind to stay and keep an eye on him, so no gym for me. When I return to the hotel I tell the bar staff that I’ll be going back up to his room, that I don’t think he’s mentally ok. They agree with me, acknowledging that there’s something definitely up with him. I let them know that I’ll be back down in about 30 minutes, then I go back up to meet Kirby.

He spends most of the night talking about all sorts of things. About how if you give the perception of wealth, people treat you differently and you can get a lot of freebies and discounts. And that maybe him and I can go around pretending we’re really rich and get things from free. Especially if he’s holding thousands in cash.

I indulge in his storytelling because I’m not going to tell him he’s being weird. But all the while, I’m messaging Telis on WhatsApp, letting him know what’s going on and where I am. But I’m seriously concerned. Kirby has been spending and spending and spending. He bought five new pairs of shoes, his car is choked full with things he’s recently bought. He’s throwing away money senselessly and that’s not him at all!

I want to get him out of the room and down to the bar because I told the bar staff I’d be back down soon, so I suggest drinks at the bar and we go down. Unfortunately, the bar is closed, so there’s nothing I can do but allow him to drive us to a 24 hour supermarket to buy drinks. When we arrive, he starts acting so irresponsibly. He’s throwing items into the basket, but really they’re just hitting me. Then he’s balancing a tub of yogurt on my head and he’s throwing it about, until it falls, the container breaks and the contents splashes everywhere, including all over me. But he just doesn’t care. He took a picture of the yogurt stain so I could show Telis, then he starts making crude comments, like about how big my boobs are and how I should tell Telis the yogurt stain isn’t a yogurt stain. To be honest, he was finding himself hilarious.

We drove back to his hotel and I told him I was going back to my place. His crudeness continued, with comments about how he’d bang me. I went to leave and wouldn’t let me go without a hug. I then went back home and spoke with Telis. I told him about the evening and how Kirby wanted me to be there when his parents came. Telis said I shouldn’t go because I’d put myself in a situation where his parents would want him to get help and he’d use me as leverage to the fact that he wasn’t crazy. But if I agreed with his parents, he’d feel betrayed by me, yet if I agreed that he was fine, I’d be hurting him more than helping him. Either way, it was lose-lose situation.

I just feel like Kirby shouldn’t be alone right now. He should definitely go back to stay with his parents. He was constantly asking me for confirmation that he wasn’t crazy but really, I think he needs to be seen by someone.

He’s been through a lot. He’s suffered a lot from depression, he hasn’t liked himself as a person for a long time and he’s been feeling very lonely. He hasn’t been sleeping either, which has given him a lot of time to hypothesise and theorise and it’s just made his situation worse. When I saw him a few weeks ago, he was really irritable and bad-tempered but yesterday, he was the complete opposite. He was cheerful, he was finding everything he was saying hilarious, but not really in the way that is normal for him.

To be honest, he hasn’t been himself for a while, I think it’s the lack of sleep. He’s been losing things, constantly. At some points last night he even struggled to finish a sentence. He’d blank out completely, not knowing what he was trying to say.

I just hope he gets help. I’ll keep checking up on him so that he doesn’t disappear.

So that was my evening. I let HR know that I’d been with him and he’s safe.

Telis returns tonight! I’m so excited!! I can’t wait!

* * *

Today I realised I’d made a huge fuck up at work. The price that I had calculated a few months ago for some support services were completely wrong and they had already been sent to the customer. It turned out the prices were much lower than what they should have been, which meant that the company would barely be covering their costs. My only saving grace was that no contract had been signed so it wasn’t binding, or else my boss and I would have been in big trouble and it would have been my entire fault!

The moment I realised, I messaged Telis and explained the situation. He said I should own up to it but I was scared shitless. There was no way I was doing that. I approached the colleague I worked with in creating the pricing and he said I had to tell the boss. I really didn’t want to but I knew I had to. So I did.

He wasn’t angry. Or annoyed. He told me to rectify it and send him the correct pricing and we’d have to go through the internal procedure of approvals again. I still felt terrible and just cried at my desk. Then I got that shit done.

The only thing balancing my mood out is the fact that Telis returns tonight! I’ve just needed his presence these past few days. I’m glad his holiday is over. No more long holidays without me. He’s mine!

I failed my driving test again! Because I spent too long in the overtaking lane. It’s complete bullshit but it is what it is. I’ve already spent so much money and I just cannot be bothered anymore. I don’t need to drive, do I?

My period is due, I think, tomorrow. Day 26 (well technically day 1 but I usually have 25 days in my period so since today is day 25, I expect it to start tomorrow on day 1/day 26). It should come anytime from now but I feel like it’s either not going to start at all or it’ll be late. I just don’t feel like I’m close to my period. Nothing hurts, there’s been no cramping, no spotting, no anything. It’s just radio silent in there.

I spoke to an old university friend yesterday, he said he’s going to try and get me an interview at the company he works at. It’s a start-up company, which is exactly what I want. I’m really excited. I just need to tweak my CV. Forget driving, there’s worse things in life; I’ll just do it again. I am a bit sad, but it’s expected. I’ll get over it. Telis returns on Friday night so he can give me a big hug then. I miss him. I just want him right now because he always makes me feel better. He’s my safe space. But I’ll cheer up soon enough.

My language learning escapade is going pretty well. I thought I wasn’t good at languages but I’ve picked up Telisan pretty quickly. I’m understanding the meaning of words and some sentence structures. I know numbers from zero to ten and I’m getting a better grasp of the alphabet. That’s an achievement. This driving malarkey is just a little setback but I’ll get there.

Yesterday, Telis and I booked our flights to Telisland for the wedding. So, I’m definitely meeting his parents. I’m not nervous, yet. I actually do want to meet them. Meet the humans behind the man. The most amazing man.

I just want to cry. I can’t believe I failed. It’s not fair. It’s for the stupidest reason ever! I really can’t be bothered anymore, I didn’t even fail for being a bad driver, at least I know there’d be something to improve on. But I drove so well today. There was no major fault at all, except for driving for too long in one lane. It’s ridiculous. I’m annoyed.

* * *

I feel better now because I’ve booked expensive tickets to go and see two concerts. Yay!

My body has been silent. Eerily silent. My period is due in two/three days and I don’t have any acne breakouts, nor do my boobs hurt, at all. Not even a little bit. What’s going on?

Is my hormonal system broken? Am I broken? Did the emergency pill break me? Oh dear. What if I didn’t ovulate this month and my whole cycle is now forever messed up? Or what if I won’t have a period at all? Because…

Anyway I’m reaching, let me stop.

Today is a day of exes. I returned to Igor his sweater that I had in my possession and I wished Jomi happy birthday. The end.

I’ve been learning Telis’ language. I’ve never attempted to learn a language when it wasn’t compulsory, but for Telis, I will do this. I’ve even bought an app to learn from. I’d love to speak his language, he can speak mine, so it’s only fair. But then again, everyone can speak English – but that doesn’t matter! For Telis, I’ll try.

I’m progressing quite well. I’m already familiar with the alphabet and can read and write words, next step is the hard bit; actually understanding them. But it’s only been two days. When Telis returns, we can start communicating in his language.

* * *

So I’ve just found out that my friend Kirby has been in hospital because he almost died, and that’s why I haven’t been able to get through to him. Not good. He says he’s ok, but I’ll go and see him tomorrow anyway.

* * *

I’m pressing my breasts just to make sure there’s some sort of pain in them. But there isn’t. I’m pretty regular with my PMS so it’s so weird that I’m not getting any this month. I know, I know, I complain when I have it and complain when I don’t. It’s just strange that’s all. Usually around this time in my cycle I can barely walk around braless without every little movement causing agony throughout my breasts.

It’s probably just one of those months you know. It’s just my body being weird and non-conforming to it’s own norms, nothing to worry about… But what if the pill did break me? Dammit!

Or what if…

No.

* * *

Today I’ve been feeling a little bit meh. I think I’m just generally tired but I’m also feeling a little anxious. I think it could do with my driving test on Wednesday. I have every right to be nervous; it’s my third attempt. But I’m also cranky and have a headache. Perhaps I’m finally PMSing. Perhaps I’m not. I just want to sleep. Not really in the mood to be awake.

I messaged a bit with Jomi. It was a simple conversation. We just exchanged pleasantries and went through the whole small chat spiel. There was a lot to be desired in that conversation. I spoke with Telis; my baby with the squidgy face. He has his own anxieties and I wish that today I were a little bit more cheerful so that I could transfer some glee over to him but I just feel bleh.

I’m going to sleep.

I just love him so much and it’s so fucking weird. I want him in all the ways that a person could want someone. I want him physically, sexually, emotionally… I want him as a lover, a partner, a friend… I want him. Full stop. He just understands me. I don’t know what it is. But he always knows what I want or what I mean. He knows why I do what I do and say what I say. He gets when I’m feeling insecure or why I’m about to run away. I just feel so accepted for who I am and it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

We are so connected. In body, in spirit and in mind. And we complement each other in all the best ways. I just don’t understand how life could get it so right. This is what happens when you stop searching for what you think is right for you and just let what’s meant to be happen.

I know I keep saying Telis isn’t my type but I can’t ever see how that is a bad thing. I feel like all the guys in my past have been emotionally closed off to me and if that’s my usual type, then hell, Telis is no way my type. He’s so open to me, he sees me and he wants me – he wants me more than I’ve ever been wanted by any guy in my whole life and it’s nice. He doesn’t take me for granted.

He’s always willing to indulge me, to listen to my dreams or the songs that I sing. Where, in the past, I was constantly being told to shut up, I’m now being encouraged to be as expressive as I want to be and even though I can’t sing for shit, he loves it when I do anyway. He just loves me for me. He doesn’t want to change me or stifle me. He’s not embarrassed by my childish antics in public and he doesn’t treat me like his toddler.

And we do things together! We’ve planned trips and he’s very proactive about organizing them. He offers suggestions and takes the lead.

He’s a fucking man. I am dating a fucking man.

I just love him. Maybe that’s why I fell in love with him so quickly; he’s just everything I’ve needed. I feel so lucky.

I was at a point where I thought Igor was everything and even though I was miserable with him, I just thought it was because I wasn’t over my past breakup. But the right person would never ever have you thinking about an ex. The right person would make you forget an ex because they’d make you feel all kinds of special. But I was so lonely with him! I felt so alone and longed for something familiar to hold on to. I never wanted my ex, but half love was better than none and even though Igor and I did have good sex, that was not enough. He was never right for me, and yes, I still feel stupid for thinking that he was but you live and you learn, eh?

And, of course I still worry that I’ll get it wrong again! But I can’t be this happy and think that I’m failing. Telis has never made me sad. He’s just great. I think the only way he could break my heart is if he cheated or died, and I don’t think any of those will be happen (well, the cheating; never. The dying; for at least another 70 years).

I’m 25. I’m not so old that I can say that I’ve experienced everything life and love has to offer but I’ve experienced enough. Jomi was my first proper boyfriend, the friendship and the love was there and it was beautiful, so precious. Igor was my second (and worst) boyfriend and the sex was there but we just weren’t friends.

But Telis, Telis I didn’t choose, not initially. He’s the one guy where I didn’t think, ‘yeah, I want to date him.’ He picked me and he knew he wanted me. So maybe that’s why things are different. Maybe that’s why I’m so in love with him. Because he is mature enough to understand who he is and the sort of woman that’s right for him. And so with Telis, the friendship, the love and the sex is there. It’s so complete, what we share, and I don’t think I’ll have any need to worry that I’ll be wrong again because I already know that what him and I have right here, it’s forever.

So, maybe he is my type after all and everyone else has just been wrong for me…

Who knows?

* * *

I’m so consumed by my love for him: it’s disgusting. It’s even making me fart. Yes, that’s still nowhere near as disgusting as this over-consuming love, I know.

We were talking baby names tonight. I’ve started putting together a list. We’re so cute! I can’t wait for my parents to meet him. I think they’d really like him. I really like him. I feel like I’m in an adult relationship, it’s amazing. I’m going to Google what an adult relationship is like just to make sure we’re doing things properly because the internet never lies, right?! Ha!

From what I’ve read, it seems that Telis and I are doing things in the wrong order. At this stage we definitely shouldn’t have spoken about marriage and kids; that should come after at least year together. Our Facebook officialdom has also come about four months too early. BORING! I’m going to create my own timeline:

Week 1 – Week 2

• First few dates
• First kiss

Week 3

• Have sex
• Make it official

Week 6

• Meet friends

Week 12

• Say I love you

Ok this is boring, but basically, we fall in love and live happily ever after, kids and all, within six months. The end. And yes, I’m a unique kind of human with a gestation period of only three months, so this is indeed a realistic timeline for me. Goodnight!

I said goodnight!

* * *

I’m feeling again. I don’t know when I started feeling again. I felt nothing for the longest time and suddenly I’m overwhelmed by all my emotions for this guy. When did this happen? How did this happen? He broke through to me and I didn’t even realise… Huh…

Telis is the only guy to properly pursue me. He basically took the lead during our early days of dating. He’d ask me out on follow-up dates at the end of each date. He’d message me first. He’d buy me gifts. And even though I rejected him several times, he’d keep up his persistence. He wouldn’t take no for an answer ever and yet, no was the only answer I’d give him. Capturing my affections couldn’t have been easy for him but he did it anyway. He asked me to give him a chance, and with every intension of not fully following through with it, I did.

And he’s the best thing to have ever happened to me.

That’s what men need to do. I don’t think they really do that anymore; pursue women. You know, prove to them that they’re seriously interested and are really into them. It would save hearts from fuck-boys.

I think he’s my guy. He knew right away that I was for him and he wouldn’t let me get away. But he still completely respected my space and boundaries and helped tease my heart out of its cage. Amazing! A man!

My man!