Category: Journal

Should I stay or should I go? I’ve been torn. So torn. I want to leave Telis. I’m really questioning my attraction to him. I want to say that looks and style don’t matter, but they do. I’m not so shallow that all I want is a muscular and modelesque beauty of a man, but physical attraction is still key.

I don’t want to change him but I kind of do. At least get rid of his horrible work shoes first. Burn them. Condemn them to hell, whatever. As long as they’re gone forever!

On another note, I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. Let’s hope I get one. I’m interested in contracting so that I can make lots of money and save lots of money and just be all round rich! Yay! I’ll save so much that I’ll be able to start my clothing line without a hitch. Exciting!

I have been stressing myself about what sort of jobs to apply for. I’ve applied for a presenter/producer role, a vetting role, a startup manager role, lots of engineering roles. Knowing what you want to be at 25 is hard. I don’t know how anyone can make that decision at 16. To make a single decision that will impact the rest of your life is something I’m struggling with. It sucks but at least now I don’t have to think about getting a house, that’s one thing off my plate.

I’ve resolved to getting over my overthinking, especially concerning Telis and my attraction to him. He makes me so happy and I don’t know why I want to ruin that. I have no issue with sex with him. He turns me on, I drip around him. So the sexual compatibility is there. If I wasn’t physically attracted to him, he wouldn’t turn me on at all, and the fact that he really does shows that I’m just looking for ways to push him away because, actually, I truly do like him.

I do like him. I do. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I run. The other day when I was drunk I told him ‘I L – O – K – E you’. Not like, not love. Loke. Which was my way of not saying love, because that’s exactly what I wanted to say. I don’t love him, but I know I do feel something. Right now, I’ve shut shit down and feel nothing. Nothingness is a safe space. And for some reason, I keep running back to it.

My relationship with Igor did this to me. It impacted me more in those terrible four months than my breakup with Jomi did. Oh well! I’ll get better, I guess.

For once, I know I’ve actually fucked up with sex. Yesterday, I was ridiculously drunk and was pretty adamant about having sex. So we did the deed four times… In a row. Each time, as he was about to cum, he’d pull out and then finish on my torso. He’d wipe me and himself clean and then I’d tell him to stick it back in and continue. He ended up ejaculating on three occasions, each time, putting his penis back inside me at my demand. Anyway, we got a bit worried about left over sperm in his urinary tract coming out with his pre-cum, so I’ve ordered the emergency contraceptive pill and will take it after work.

He told me that I told him that I wanted him to impregnate me and wouldn’t let him pull out. Hey, what can I say, I was drunk. Ha! Either way, I’m not ready for a child. I still have plenty to achieve. I’m in the process of finding a new job. I’ve even applied for a presenter/producer role. Time to do something I’m good at and more likely to enjoy.

But the reason for me getting so drunk was that I went out with my friend Kirby. He’s been feeling lonely lately so I wanted to spend time with him to let him know he’s not alone. I suggested drinking rum in the park. Not the best of ideas. We stole paper cups from a coffee shop, bought a bottle of Coca-Cola then made our way to the river side. The paper cups were a bad idea. Who would have thought that they weren’t made for alcohol? The rum began dissolving the glue that held the cup together and our drinks started dripping. It was pretty funny. I also tried to integrate myself into a family of duck’s but they kept walking away from me. Sad.

I left for Telis’ place where my drunken antics are best left untold. Actually I almost broke up with Telis. Just usual Dera overthinking. Let’s not go into that either. However, I’M MOVING OUT OF THAT FUCKING HELL HOLE! I went to view a room on Monday and said I’d take it. My current tenancy doesn’t end for a few weeks but I don’t care. I hate that place. I’d forfeit money to get out of there ASAP.

The weekend was nice, almost. I always have nice weekends with Telis. I took a nap then met Telis and his flatmate at the table top/board game meet up. Then things took a turn for the worse in the evening. I saw he had a notification on his phone from a dating app. I checked and it turned out he still had three dating apps installed. That didn’t make me very happy and I left his place. I know he doesn’t use them and I do trust him but it still upset me. I slept over at my place that night because I just needed to be apart from him to sleep off my annoyance. Sunday morning he called me and invited me out for breakfast. We met up and had a nice day out. I did get over the whole dating app thing but I just needed time to, that’s all.

I rarely write on my journal because I’m not so emotionally compromised so there’s never much to report.

I’ve decided to take a break from property hunting. I want a new job with a higher salary so I can get a bigger mortgage and have more options. I’m also waiting to see how the political landscape of the country will change things. Perhaps property prices will fall. I’m in no hurry. I’ve asked my parents to transfer the money for a deposit into my account. I’m going to invest some of it too. Either way, I feel like the pressure to find somewhere to live since me being kicked out is no longer an issue. I’ve found a room that’s central with an en suite bathroom. I’ll stay for six months and then continue property searching. I’m pacing myself.

I was really sad yesterday. The offer I put into the property I wanted was accepted then fell through yesterday because a higher offer was submitted and accepted by the owner. I was so happy that I was getting such good value for money. The property had so much potential but alas it just wasn’t meant to be. I just don’t think it was very fair. My offer was accepted and he’d given me two weeks to sort out a mortgage and survey and I was well on my way to doing that but now everything has been stopped in their tracks and all I’m left with is sadness and betrayal.

I’ve also had to cancel my driving test that was meant to be on Thursday. I’ve had to forfeit the money I paid for it, which was quite substantial, but it’s fine, it just gives me one less thing to think about, considering, early August I’m being kicked out, with no home to buy and no room to rent. I’ve cried my tears know I need to pick this shit up and sort it all out one by one. My most immediate priority was my driving test, there was no point running around trying to find a car I could hire for Thursday. Losing the money for the sake of my peace of mind is worth it. Now I need to sort out where I’m going to live come August, but Telis made a suggestion I stay with his friend who lives alone in a five bed house he bought, haha! Maybe I’ll do that, at least I can do short term and I won’t be bound to any contract. Nor would a deposit be required so that’s extra money in the bank.

Two things solved. Now back to house hunting. Maybe this falling through is a blessing in disguise. Let’s see what happens.

This weekend was beautiful. I was at home in CapitalCity on Friday and return Saturday afternoon to spend it with Telis. We went shopping and walked around town. Then on Sunday we did some house chores then went to the park to read. We bought drinks and ice and relaxed in the shade of a tree. It was simple but nice. That’s my idea of a good life.

Things with Telis are fine. Perfect in fact. He completely knows how to deal with me when I’m anxious or sad or however else I may be feeling. He never makes me feel worse than I already do and I actually seek his comfort. I like that he makes me feel safe. I don’t really have much to report about the relationship other than I’m feeling comfortable and I’m happy with how things are progressing despite my own apprehensions.

I’m chasing for more money at work. Let’s see if that’ll happen. I feel so bad that my parents are putting down so much money for me to buy a house. I’m not so sure I’m entirely comfortable with it. So I’ll push for a salary increase so that I can get a bigger mortgage and they can give me less. Maybe me losing that property was for the best.

My shopping trip with Telis on Saturday was productive. He is a bit chubby so he’d drown his body in oversized clothes which just didn’t look great. But he bought things that fitted better and made him look less uncomfortable in his skin. He is such a little nerd, posing about with confidence in his quirky and awkward ways. He’s cute.

Apart from a little blip in my emotions yesterday, I’m ok. I think it is fine to have a sad day. Be sad then move on and get shit done!

I’m anxious. Ridiculously so. I want to cry. I want to feel something. Remember when I used to get emotionally numb? It’s like that again, except I feel even more detached from myself. Like I’m in a relationship but I’m not really feeling the warmth of being held or the happiness that comes with gifted roses.

I don’t know why I feel so deadened. It’s frustrating for me because I translate that to me not feeling anything for my boyfriend and yet I do know I like him, on a logical perspective. But my emotions don’t seem to compute.

I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously considering getting help. I don’t even know what I’m fearing. I don’t know what I’m so scared of. I know I’ve been hurt, but where does this deep anxiety stem from? Who or what hurt me so badly that I can no longer be in tune with my own emotions. I hate this numbness.

I can’t breathe. I just want to take myself out of the situation.

I snapped at Telis today and told him that he kisses me too much. He’s a lovely guy. So sweet. I just don’t know how to like him. I don’t know how to do anything. I feel so lost in my own self. I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know a lot of things.

I should keep typing and perhaps whatever is going on deep inside my psyche will reveal itself. Whatever damage has been done will come to light.

Where do I start? Before, it used to be the hurt that my ex, Jomi, wrought on me but I think what Igor did was even worse. And I know I’m blaming these guys but it probably wasn’t even them. It was more how they made me feel about myself. They weren’t horrible to me but they both impacted my self perception in a big way.

Jomi allowed me to feel like I was sexually defunct and Igor made it seem like it was a terrible thing for me to be myself. In both instances I believed in a forever. With all my heart, I believed in that forever. But that forever never came perhaps I’m tired of believing in forever. Because if I choose forever I’ll be stuck with a person who makes me feel less than.

But Telis isn’t like that. He makes me feel like I’m the best thing to ever happen to him. But believing in a forever is so hard. I want to view my world and my life with rose tinted glasses but I’m just too detached from my own being to believe in it all.

I have allowed myself to spiral so far down into darkness. And they’ve been horrible. And being in a relationship will somehow always correlate to that darkness and maybe understanding that the two are exclusive will allow me to feel.

Or maybe I just need to cry. I remember that helped in the past. Crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of tears but I never seem to cross that precipice. I just feel like there’s so much pent up something, I don’t know what it is. Perhaps hurt, or maybe anger? Or just helplessness.

My walls have come done at least once, and when they have, my relationship has felt magical. Sex has felt magical. But I don’t want to hurt myself again.

I can’t breathe. My breath feels restricted.

I can’t breathe.

I haven’t written in a long while. There’s much that has happened! Last Friday, I did my driving test and FAILED. There were three separate instances where I messed up:

1. I apparently stop too close to cars
2. My lane discipline sucked and I ended up hogging two lanes, causing the instructor to grab my wheel and move me over to a lane
3. I didn’t check my blindspot when doing a parallel park.

It’s all good anyway, I’ll just try again! They are all easily rectifiable!

On the Saturday, I hung out in a field with some friends. We had a barbeque and just chilled. It was nice. But I got a little bit too tipsy and had to poop. Ending up going in the middle of the field. I became one with nature! My poop is one with nature! But it was fun. The food was good, the company was great and I felt like that was what moments were made of. The times you remember.

I had another meetup social on Monday. The turnout was amazing and so many new people came. I’m really happy to see how well it’s all been going. I currently have 91 members in my meetup and a good number of attendees RSVP’d to each event. I’m proud of myself.

Yesterday was mine and Telis’ one month anniversary. We took the day off work and spent it together. We hired some bikes and cycled around. It was good exercise. Loved it! I was sort of sad in the evening because sex for me still is a difficult thing to get into. I suspect perhaps it’s because I’m yet to accept Telis into my heart. I think it’ll take time, but I don’t doubt my affection and attraction towards him.

Ok, that’s a lie. I definitely did doubt my attraction to him but really, it’s something I got over very quickly and I think it was just subconsciously looking for an out. I’m still trying to run and it’s annoying. He’s cute, he’s just tubby but we’re both going back to the gym to get healthy, so we’re working on it.

He made me cry last night, he’s just so supportive and always reassures me that I’m normal. I just feel so blessed to have someone like him. He has a good heart. I like him. Lots.

The whole house-buying process is exciting! On Friday I went to viewing a two bedroom, two bathroom property. I loved it! I put in an offer and now I’m currently negotiating with the agents. I hope I can get it for cheap! Telis likes the property too and thinks it would be a good investment – I do tend to want and listen to his advice. He’s smarter than me, which is always sexy.

All in all, I AM HAPPY. I’m still anxious about sex, but I’ll keep working on it.

Good weekend. Friday, I spent the first half of the evening with Telis and his colleagues as one of them was celebrating his birthday, and Telis suggested I tag along. He was pretty happy that I integrated myself into his work group and bantered around with them. We also had our first tiff. He smoked a cigarette. I don’t like smoking. So I refused to talk to him and kiss him. To make it up to me he bought me KFC. Second half of the evening, I met up with Casper and we went on a night out. Casper’s left the company where we both work so I won’t be seeing him around much anymore, so I wanted to take this chance to spend the evening with him. Towards the end, Telis, who had remained with his colleagues, came to join us and then we left together.

Saturday, I met up with my cousins’ Sun, Cameera and Jay. We arranged to have a meal together and I got to the restaurant early because Jay told me the wrong time, so I found a park I could sit and read in. Whilst there, I saw a homeless man, who came in, eating and drinking straight from the bins. I actually felt so heartbroken and was on the verge of tears. I offered to buy him food and told him he should wait for me while I did so. I bought him two baguette sandwiches and two bottles of water and returned to the park to give it to him. He accepted the food, took out the bottles of water and left them on the bench beside him. Inspected the sandwiches then put them back in the bag. Then he got up and left, without taking the food with him. I was so confused. I don’t know why he left it. Maybe he was expecting something a little unhealthier like McDonald’s, or perhaps he was coming back for it. Who knows? Either way, I returned to the park after my meal with my cousins and the food and water was gone.

That Saturday was too funny. After our meal, Jay said he had to leave to see his girlfriend. He had barely spent two hours with us and we were not happy. He accidently or jokingly suggested we come with him and we took literal to a whole new level. We started following the poor boy. We followed him to the station, followed him onto a train. Then as the train was ready to leave, he ran off it. We had to run off too, last minute. We then began to triangulate ourselves around him so that he couldn’t escape. We got the next train, making sure all exists were secured and got off at the intended station. Stupidly, on the escalators, we had one person behind him and two on the escalators besides him but no one in front of him! He ran away! Sun chased after him but alas, was too far behind. And we lost him.

At this point, I’d been laughing so hard that I’d actually been wetting myself. I left Sun and Cameera to go to the toilets and on my way there, Jay snuck out of a shop and walked towards me. He didn’t see me, but I saw him and infiltrated his path. I walked alongside him back towards my other cousins who came running down to apprehend the suspect. We continued to follow him and he gave up trying to evade us so we left him alone to assume we were still following him. We wanted to leave him with a little bit of paranoia for a bit. Sun, Cameera and I then went to a bar to sit and talk. We talked about a lot. Big things happening in the family and to those we know. It was crazy. Stories of mental breakdowns and of being sectioned, the husband of my uncle’s sisters who happened to be a pastor impregnating women in the church and divorce, my dad’s ladder accidents. Just all sorts. It was crazy how out of loop I was.

Then I went back to Deraland to fall asleep in Telis’ arms.

Things with Telis and I have been moving very quickly. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I don’t feel chafed or suffocated, but to the outside observer, they may be a little concerned. I, myself, am not concerned. In fact I’m really happy. This weekend we booked our flights to Telisland for October. Yes, we’re going on holiday together and even though October is still a while away, I feel no reluctance to make such a big commitment with him.

Yes, we’re progressing physically but we’re also progressing emotionally and last night was a turning point.

We had good sex. It was good because somehow he’d penetrated my barriers. I wasn’t hiding inside my head. I felt it all and I wanted it all and it was amazing. And so I got scared because somehow I knew that if things kept going this way I’d fall in love with him. When sex is connecting, that shit is bonding as fuck. I wanted to run away. My anxiety came back and I was going to disappear. I told him I was leaving, that I couldn’t do this with him. I’ve been in love but never the deep, romantic kind of love. This felt so intense. When sex is connecting on that level, it’s some scary shit. And it’s something I wasn’t ready for. I was vulnerable before him, for the first time, and something beautiful yet scary came from it. I don’t know which way this will go.

I don’t want to run away though. I’m tired of running.

I know now that I’ve been hindering myself, unintentionally. I’ve been disconnecting myself during sex as to not reveal my vulnerabilities and get hurt. But my guard came down and I wanted him more than anything. All of him. Inside me and out. It was a hunger. A wanting. And when he kissed me, the fire was back. I felt it throughout my insides. And the intensity of it is something I’m afraid of. If I give into it, will I experience something beyond my wildest imagination?

All I know is that I’m not going to run away. Whatever happens, I’m here. All in. Bring on the LOVE.

Yesterday we realised that our anniversary is a sequence 3rd (3) June (6) 2018 (18), 3, 6, 18.

3 × 6 = 18

3 × (1!, 2!, 3!) = 3, 6, 18.

Perhaps we really were written in the stars.

I’m so stressed. Firstly, my driving test for tomorrow got cancelled. It’s so frustrating, I was so prepared and had already psyched myself up. Today was my best drive yet and I could have potentially passed tomorrow but it’s fine, I’ve manged to reschedule it for next Friday. Hopefully my driving doesn’t deteriorate.

Secondly, work has been stressful. I’ve had a lot to do and since I’ve been taking the afternoons off to learn to drive I’ve had so many deadlines to meet. Anyway all is well. At least I’m busy. I just don’t want to bring the stress home with me.

My head has been hurting me all day. I think it’s just an amalgamation of many stresses. Having to think about buying a house while dealing with my psycho landlady and Barney’s antics. Apparently if I want to stay longer in the room I just have to let the landlady know but I really cannot be bothered with all their bullshit but at the same time, I shouldn’t cut off my nose to spite my face.

Telis is fast asleep beside me, I’ve been such a misery guts today but he cooked for me and bought me stuff. My lovely lover.

I just hope tomorrow I wake up relaxed.

He has the most beautiful soul ever. Yesterday he was telling me that he probably wouldn’t be able to save much in July because he’s going to spend money on me. He also said that we’d need to take time off work and I asked him when because I didn’t understand why he wanted to that. He replied the 3rd and I instantly knew he meant for our one month anniversary. I was touched!

I have an amazing boyfriend. He knows how sentimental I am. It’s sweet of him to think of doing something for us. I like him. He has a big heart, a brilliant mind and a cute face. I love everything about him.

I really do believe in forever.

I can’t believe I get to write our story from the beginning. I feel blessed because I know it’ll be a great story, and I get to relive every moment of it every time I read over my words.

He’s mine.

The way time is flying by, before you know it, we’d have been together a whole year, then two, then ten, then fifty… I can’t wait to fall in love with him.

I spent the weekend at home, driving with my dad in preparation for my test on Friday. Never ever drive with a family member. My dad stressed me more than his car did. Not only did he gripe over my lack of gear changing, he told me that if I couldn’t change gears properly then I should be driving automatic. Firstly, I change gears when necessary. Secondly, my instructor is qualified – he isn’t. But it was good. My confidence on the road has been greatly improved. Considering that I was driving on unfamiliar roads and doing well, I’m proud of myself. His car is so different to my instructor’s car. I could never find the biting point on his clutch and when I did, it was never enough to actually move the car. I had to add gas and sometimes I’d stall because his biting point is in a very high up position which means when I moved my feet away, the clutch wouldn’t have far up to travel so would be released too fast and the car would stall. All in all, I’m very pleased.

I’ve rejected the cyber security role at work, it seems too boring. Also, the offer I put in for the property was rejected over the weekend. I’m going to offer a little bit more and ask them to throw in the furniture too.

Things with Telis are great. I love spending time with him. I like everything about him. He is home. He’s the homeliest home I’ve ever had. I was doing a poo in his en suite bathroom yesterday and I poo-farted and not only did I scream internally, I let out an outward scream, wiped myself and ran out of his bathroom, ran out of his room and hid. How embarrassing. I don’t care how comfortable I’ve made him feel about pooping, I’m not yet at that level myself. I’m cringing so hard. But as I said, he is home. He made me feel safe and unjudged. I’m still embarrassed but he was sweet about it.

He and I speak loads about the future. I know we’re still very new but we’re both dreamers and it’s nice. We spoke about marriage, about children, about everything. We’re going to have a traditional Fridarian engagement and then a Telisan wedding in Telisland. We even watched wedding videos on YouTube to show our cultures to each other. He said he’d probably start saving up for a ring next year. We spoke about what our kids could look like. I said I wouldn’t mind them having his nose, lips and forehead. He said he’d like them to have my cheeks and ears. We’d definitely have two kids and adopt one – he’s happy to adopt, which I’m glad about. We spoke about our family home. We want a three bed with a garden. We’d be rich AF and move to CapitalCity where we’d be able to afford any home we wanted but sometime next year, he’d probably move in with me into the apartment I buy and we’d start saving up for our wedding and home.

We’re even planning holidays together. In October we’re going to Telisland. Then in Novemeber, for my birthday, he’s taking me to Paris. This week we’ll book our flights and hotel to Telisland. I’m excited. I know October is still far away but I have faith in us to last until then; I don’t feel like running away. I don’t even question our relationship. I’m just so at peace within it.

He’s told his parents about me. They know I’m Fridarian, which is a relief. My parents know he exists but don’t know anything about him just yet. My mum did ask about him but I told her nothing. She just asked if I was happy and I said that I was and she said that that’s what’s important – my happiness. My life is in such a good place. Telis feels the same way about his. We’re both living our best lives and it feels amazing.

I have no reservations about him. He really could be my ONE. I don’t want to get ahead of myself after everything I’ve been through but everything just feels so right. He accepts me for who I am and doesn’t want to hinder me. He even said to me last night that he would try hard to never stifle me and to give me my freedom. I appreciate that.

I asked him if he believed in forever. He said he did.

Today is a month since our first date. I can’t believe how quickly time has flown and how fast the relationship has moved. I don’t mind it. I don’t feel suffocated by it. I’m just too comfortable. This is everything I’ve ever wanted. I asked and I received.

I know day by day I’m writing our story and the opening chapters have already captured my attention, it’s only a matter of time before they capture my heart.

I made an offer for a property I saw and loved. Telis has been coming with me to my viewings, he’s been so supportive and lovely. We were both enamoured by this particular apartment. It’s spacious and very well kept. I even lied that I’d put in an offer for another property just so that the owner could feel some sort of urgency to accept my very reasonable offer. I hope I get it. It doesn’t come with parking and considering I have my driving test next Friday, it’s a very tricky position to be in. Let’s see what happens. As far as I can see, I don’t need parking, but that could be an issue for when I eventually do.

My job has asked me if I want to change roles and go into cyber security, account management or procurement. To be honest, I don’t want any. I just want to either be an engineer or leave.

Either way, I’m happy! There are many changes but all are good. My life is exactly where I’ve wanted it to be for a long time. My relationship with Telis is great. Finally! Something real… I’m glad.