Good weekend. Friday, I spent the first half of the evening with Telis and his colleagues as one of them was celebrating his birthday, and Telis suggested I tag along. He was pretty happy that I integrated myself into his work group and bantered around with them. We also had our first tiff. He smoked a cigarette. I don’t like smoking. So I refused to talk to him and kiss him. To make it up to me he bought me KFC. Second half of the evening, I met up with Casper and we went on a night out. Casper’s left the company where we both work so I won’t be seeing him around much anymore, so I wanted to take this chance to spend the evening with him. Towards the end, Telis, who had remained with his colleagues, came to join us and then we left together.
Saturday, I met up with my cousins’ Sun, Cameera and Jay. We arranged to have a meal together and I got to the restaurant early because Jay told me the wrong time, so I found a park I could sit and read in. Whilst there, I saw a homeless man, who came in, eating and drinking straight from the bins. I actually felt so heartbroken and was on the verge of tears. I offered to buy him food and told him he should wait for me while I did so. I bought him two baguette sandwiches and two bottles of water and returned to the park to give it to him. He accepted the food, took out the bottles of water and left them on the bench beside him. Inspected the sandwiches then put them back in the bag. Then he got up and left, without taking the food with him. I was so confused. I don’t know why he left it. Maybe he was expecting something a little unhealthier like McDonald’s, or perhaps he was coming back for it. Who knows? Either way, I returned to the park after my meal with my cousins and the food and water was gone.
That Saturday was too funny. After our meal, Jay said he had to leave to see his girlfriend. He had barely spent two hours with us and we were not happy. He accidently or jokingly suggested we come with him and we took literal to a whole new level. We started following the poor boy. We followed him to the station, followed him onto a train. Then as the train was ready to leave, he ran off it. We had to run off too, last minute. We then began to triangulate ourselves around him so that he couldn’t escape. We got the next train, making sure all exists were secured and got off at the intended station. Stupidly, on the escalators, we had one person behind him and two on the escalators besides him but no one in front of him! He ran away! Sun chased after him but alas, was too far behind. And we lost him.
At this point, I’d been laughing so hard that I’d actually been wetting myself. I left Sun and Cameera to go to the toilets and on my way there, Jay snuck out of a shop and walked towards me. He didn’t see me, but I saw him and infiltrated his path. I walked alongside him back towards my other cousins who came running down to apprehend the suspect. We continued to follow him and he gave up trying to evade us so we left him alone to assume we were still following him. We wanted to leave him with a little bit of paranoia for a bit. Sun, Cameera and I then went to a bar to sit and talk. We talked about a lot. Big things happening in the family and to those we know. It was crazy. Stories of mental breakdowns and of being sectioned, the husband of my uncle’s sisters who happened to be a pastor impregnating women in the church and divorce, my dad’s ladder accidents. Just all sorts. It was crazy how out of loop I was.
Then I went back to Deraland to fall asleep in Telis’ arms.
Things with Telis and I have been moving very quickly. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I don’t feel chafed or suffocated, but to the outside observer, they may be a little concerned. I, myself, am not concerned. In fact I’m really happy. This weekend we booked our flights to Telisland for October. Yes, we’re going on holiday together and even though October is still a while away, I feel no reluctance to make such a big commitment with him.
Yes, we’re progressing physically but we’re also progressing emotionally and last night was a turning point.
We had good sex. It was good because somehow he’d penetrated my barriers. I wasn’t hiding inside my head. I felt it all and I wanted it all and it was amazing. And so I got scared because somehow I knew that if things kept going this way I’d fall in love with him. When sex is connecting, that shit is bonding as fuck. I wanted to run away. My anxiety came back and I was going to disappear. I told him I was leaving, that I couldn’t do this with him. I’ve been in love but never the deep, romantic kind of love. This felt so intense. When sex is connecting on that level, it’s some scary shit. And it’s something I wasn’t ready for. I was vulnerable before him, for the first time, and something beautiful yet scary came from it. I don’t know which way this will go.
I don’t want to run away though. I’m tired of running.
I know now that I’ve been hindering myself, unintentionally. I’ve been disconnecting myself during sex as to not reveal my vulnerabilities and get hurt. But my guard came down and I wanted him more than anything. All of him. Inside me and out. It was a hunger. A wanting. And when he kissed me, the fire was back. I felt it throughout my insides. And the intensity of it is something I’m afraid of. If I give into it, will I experience something beyond my wildest imagination?
All I know is that I’m not going to run away. Whatever happens, I’m here. All in. Bring on the LOVE.
Yesterday we realised that our anniversary is a sequence 3rd (3) June (6) 2018 (18), 3, 6, 18.
3 × 6 = 18
3 × (1!, 2!, 3!) = 3, 6, 18.
Perhaps we really were written in the stars.