Category: Journal

I remember when I thought I’d never be happy in a relationship. It was something that really brought me down. I was so scared that relationships for me would be filled with depression and loneliness. I wanted something wholesome and real and yet, I hadn’t been able to find that.

Yesterday, I said thank you to the universe, or God, or whomever was listening.

Because I’m happy. Genuinely and beautifully.

I got everything I ever asked for, packaged within a magnificent human being. I feel so fortunate. I feel like myself and this feels like forever.

I feel safe enough to allow myself to fall for him.

He’s amazing.

Yesterday, he accidentally said, ‘I love you,’ but obviously not in that way. I still laughed and teased him, then I replied, ‘I love who you are too.’ He’s sweet. I can’t believe I almost lost him by pushing him away.

I’m wearing his shirt to work today. I love it. I can smell him on it.

We had very good sex yesterday too. We started off with passionate kissing, then I got on my knees to give him a blowy and then we finished with slow, steady intimate sex. It was nice.

I’m happy.

Yesterday was perfect.

Absolutely P E R F E C T.

We woke up, had sex.

Then I had a house viewing so we walked to the property together to have a look at it. He then went to post a letter with me alongside him. Then we bought strawberries, cherries and raspberries and ate those. Then he took me to a Telisan cafe and we indulged in some traditional Telisan pastries. They tasted good.

I then took him to a tabletop/board game meetup and it was so fun. I could see him enjoying himself. He thanked me for taking him there because he really did have a good time. Last stop was a Fridarian restaurant so that he could try the food of my people. He loved it! I was happy. He was happy. We were both happy.

We ended the day back at his place and watched a movie pertaining to his culture, had sex and then I fell asleep.

That was a recap but there was more to it than that. There were feelings involved. My feelings. And my barriers tumbling down.

It’s so nice being with someone who shares the same interests as you. I thought maybe he’d be a bit bored playing board games, but he loved it. He was jovial and friendly with all the other attendees, he really opened himself up to the experience and enjoyed every second of it. I liked that a lot. He was so receptive to the food he wanted to come back some other time.

I love being in his company. I’m so at peace with myself. I don’t have to think about anything. It’s just easy, I rarely have to try hard. I haven’t felt any anxiety, I feel safe. I sleep straight away and like a baby next to him. I literally have peace of mind. It’s beautiful. I share everything with him because I want to tell him. He doesn’t make me feel stupid.

Similarly, he’s open with me and he’s so thoughtful. There’s something he did on Monday that I was taken aback by. During my meetup, we’d been playing a tabletop game and once we were done I had it in my mind to come back to the pieces we’d left out and tidy things up since I was busy talking to the head chef. I turned around to go put the game back into its box and saw that it had already been packed away. I was so surprised. I wasn’t expecting anyone to do that as I had already made it my responsibility but to see everything put away and the tables put back to their positions, I was so touched! Telis did that. He’s amazing.

Anyway, he fusses over me and does everything in his power to try to make me smile. The sex is good too! We mustn’t forget that. At first I was a bit too in my head, but gradually I’ve been able to come out of there. My wetness is as wet as wetness can get and it’s maintained while he’s inside of me.

There’s just nothing about him to complain about. As far as I can see, he’s perfect.

I could get used to this.

The warmth.

My barriers are definitely coming down. Slowly. Although it could just be my intoxication. I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make. My psycho landlady has given me two months’ notice to move out. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I am annoyed. So last night, alcohol was my chosen poison.

I was feeling so down that I walked out of my house at 10pm. Strolled 30 minutes to the supermarket. Bought one bottle of Jack Daniels and another bottle of Captain Morgan, some cups and ice cream. Then left. Telis met me on my way and we walked back to his place. I poured myself a nice cup of rum and indulged in my alcoholism.

I don’t think I was drunk, but I do recall asking Telis to shave my hair off. I also said I can’t wait for him to meet my parents, then I think I tried to backtrack because that was creepy AF. I don’t remember the intricacies of last night, as in, my reasons for doing and saying some of the things I did but Telis was still there when I woke up this morning, so I haven’t scared him off. I’ll have to have him remind me of the other things I may have said.

There are so many life changing decisions I need to make, and it’s about finding the time to separate them from the big mush of everything that’s going on in my brain. But one step at a time. I know I can overwhelm myself if I don’t deal with things properly.

But this year it’s looking like I’ll be buying a house, buying a car, changing jobs, potentially quitting YouTube, starting a clothing line and maintaining a relationship. These are big things. None of these are light decisions and so I need to take my time with them.

My most immediate priority is finding a new place to rent. But in the meantime, I also have driving lessons and my driving test coming up. After that I’ll need to decide on whether or not to buy a car. But it’s more likely that I won’t be doing that. Public transport in Deraland is good enough.

I hate making real life decisions.

Mine and Telis’ relationship is not something I spend time thinking and worrying about. I’m letting it be. I don’t want to analyse every little thought or action. It’s exhausting. But yesterday, I did go back through my journal from my time with Igor. It just made me feel so stupid. I couldn’t see how he was hurting me and all the while I blamed myself. There were many instances where I mentioned that I didn’t want to be seen as “crazy” or be misunderstood by him and normality was the thing I strived for the most. He made me feel like it wasn’t ok to be me. I feel like a total dunce.

Yet, Telis has this ability to make me feel safe and so understood. So, so understood. Do you know how nice that is? He doesn’t think I’m crazy. He likes every part of me and doesn’t expect me to be perfect or happy all the time. He takes the pressure off me and I can actually breathe. There’ve been no tears, no spiralling, no loneliness. I find it so easy to talk to him. I talk to him about everything and everyone in my life. My friends, my family, my past, my future. It’s nice.

I know I’m still guarded. Especially with sex. I get wet. But I miss that raging fire. I know it’ll come back, but my walls need to come down completely first. Apart from the whole blaming myself for not sticking to my boundaries, I feel comfortable in the relationship. Sometimes I do want to run but not because of him.

I’ve had such a massive mind block that I haven’t even tried to imagine a future with him. It wasn’t until yesterday that I was tipsy with my guards down that I actually envisioned him as a good father and someone I’d love for my parents to meet.

If I allow myself to indulge in the fantasy I think I’d inadvertently set the cogs turning and before I know it, I’d find myself face to face with a Dera in love.

* * *

I’ve a solution to half my problems; I’ll work on passing my driving test and buying a car, that way, if I haven’t found somewhere to buy, once my tenancy has lapsed, I’ll move back home to my parent’s place and commute to work from there. In the meantime, I’ll be house hunting. Once I’ve bought a house and I’m all settled, I’ll start properly looking for jobs – that’s not to say that I won’t start looking now, just not as actively.

This all hinges on me passing my test. I must pass my test!

My psycho housemate, Barney, the fucking untrustworthy, lying son of a dinosaur came at me, that I’m always slamming the door and then showing me picture evidence of myself walking away. Why he’s stalking me is beyond me.

I need to leave this house, seriously. If I could just find that perfect house to buy, I wouldn’t have to deal with this bullshit for much longer.

So yesterday we did get back together.

I went to collect my things from his place, i.e. my book and earrings.

He said he only asked one thing of me: to talk to him. Talk to him and not make decisions for the both of us. But I made the decision to leave. And he made the decision for us to get back together, with my reluctant consent.

I definitely suffer from relationship anxiety. I don’t feel the full extent of my emotions anymore. I blame my relationship with Igor. It was 4 months of self-delusion and darkness. I want to remove that part of my life. It’s the worst part.

I wanted to do it in the evening. I didn’t want to ruin his day but he insisted on talking to me this morning. I told him that the relationship has moved too fast for me. That at the beginning I felt a lot for him but those feelings have dwindled away and I don’t want to be in a relationship that isn’t right for me.

He said it’s up to me and if I wanted to, I could reach out to him.

Man, I need to stop jumping into relationships. But this feels like the right thing to do.

* * *

I know I’m going to take myself on a journey of self-disappointment. I wanted to take it slow and not have sex for a reason. For this reason. To assess if what I had and felt was real. I suck.

* * *

Relationships aren’t binding. I should stop viewing it as something I’m stuck in.

I also need to stop being so hard on myself. I was honest and didn’t string him along. I can’t help how I feel, or don’t feel. But I don’t think that makes me a bad person.

* * *

I know that I didn’t properly give him a chance. All I know is that the universe duped me. All the coincidences were just that: coincidences.

I probably would have fallen for him. Hard. But single is better.

Yesterday’s meetup was a pleasant and intimate affair. There was 16 of us in total and we all had a great time. People were talking to each other, we played games, threw around banter and generally had fun. The venue provided free nibbles and I spoke with their head chef and marketing guy on ways we could work together. They’re very keen on having us back and have said they’d be happy to cater to our requirements. I’m really excited about it all.

Telis showed up. He was great. He got involved and spoke to every person there. He stayed right until the end with me and his support was very much appreciated. Ashton, like usual, was a good friend. He brought his girlfriend and another +1. I feel so happy to have good people in my life. It makes what I do easier.

I stayed over at Telis’ last night. I find that I really struggle with getting aroused. I feel so closed off from myself that I don’t know how to reach the point where I can fully let go. We tried to have sex but my mind was abuzz with the day’s events. Then we spoke for a bit and tried again. I was getting wet but it didn’t feel like it was enough, plus my mind kept questing for anxiety-inducing thoughts. Then I opened up to him about some of my insecurities and fears. Then I was finally able to let go. And I wanted him to be in me. Third time lucky. It was great.

Talking to him really helps dispel my fears. He understands me more than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel like I can talk to him about anything and not fear his rejection. He’s so lovely to me. And that makes it evermore easier to bare myself to him. I’m definitely still very guarded and I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I find myself questioning my attraction to him. Am I attracted to him? I can’t tell. My emotions are still in a state of limbo that I’m not sure what I feel for him at the moment. I’m so consumed in my fears that my emotions have become tertiary. I don’t want to interpret it as me not liking him because I know that’s wrong. I sleep so peacefully next to him. I feel safe and its nice being with him.

But I want to feel the excitement I felt in the beginning. The passion and fire. I don’t know why I get so much in my own way. It’s frustrating. And it’s not fair.

Last night, Telis deduced that because I’m so hard on myself, I broke my own heart. He said my past relationship with Jomi wasn’t bad and it didn’t end terribly, but it was my anger at and disappointment in myself that broke me more than anything. He’s right. It was I who hurt me more than anything. It was I who caused me to spiral into darkness. And now I’m suffering for it. The thing is, I’m PTSD’ing so hard that I can’t even remember the dark moments. I can’t remember how I felt, I just remember it was terrible, I wasn’t myself after it and I don’t want to go through it again.

I spoke with Ashton’s girlfriend about Telis. She really likes him. She says he’s a lovely person and was very pleased when I said I was his girlfriend now. I concur.

* * *

I’m scared that I’ve gotten into a relationship that isn’t right for me. Is it too late to walk away? I don’t want to drag this on further than what it needs to.

I’ve made a decision to terminate the relationship. It’s not right for me. It doesn’t feel right to me. He doesn’t feel right for me. He likes me a bit too much and it’s moved way too fast. I know I fucked up with controlling the pace but I need to listen to my intuition.

I don’t like how in only three weeks, I’ve become almost everything to him. He’s made me feel good and I’ve loved the safety that I’ve felt in him but it’s still early and so it’s normal to still be a bit guarded. I understand he probably hasn’t fully opened up to me either but I don’t think we’re at a point where I should be given something of such weight. It’s all too heavy for me.

Tomorrow, I’ll see him and have a face to face conversation. He’s lovely but this is getting intense for me. This isn’t me running away. It’s not fear either. It just doesn’t feel right, that’s all.

Maybe my feelings have gone because I have no feelings. When it comes down to it, am I really attracted to him?

I should trust myself.

There’s something that happens when your stars align. It almost seems that all your worry and fears of the past become trivial. It is said that the darkest hour comes just before the dawn and yes, I’ve cried my tears and I’ve lamented at the unfairness of life but were they not worth it for the story I’m about to tell?

Story time!

I said I wasn’t going to see him on Friday. In fact, 10 minutes before I did see him, I was in the frame of mind of going about my evening and enjoying a day that wouldn’t be filled with thoughts of him. Taking things slow was the right thing to do. As much as I did want to spend time with him, I knew that we couldn’t rush this. Instead I made plans to go for a meal with a friend.

As I came out of my door, with no intention of going anywhere but the restaurant I was to meet my friend at, I bumped into Vish, Telis’ good friend. Strangely enough, ever since I started seeing Telis, I’ve been bumping into Vish almost every other day. It started getting to the point where it stopped being a coincidence and a way for the universe to mess with me – but I’m done with all that synchronicity stuff.

We exchanged greetings and he said he was meeting with Telis and I should come with him. My friend was running late anyway so I had some time to kill. I was a bit hesitant because I’d already made my mind up about not seeing him that day, but it would only be for a few minutes, plus we’d be amongst others. I relented and we began making our way over to Telis’ place. Unknown to Vish that Telis and I were already involved, he started telling me of how very single and lovely of a guy Telis was. In my mind I half thought that maybe he did know about me and Telis and was trying to bait me into admitting our relationship. But I feigned ignorance and listened as he went on about things that I already knew.

Eventually I did give myself away when I stopped in front of Telis’ house like I’d definitely been there before. We went inside and surprise! He wasn’t expecting me. He kissed me and whether or not Vish was surprised I couldn’t tell, but he did say well done. If that was meant for me, Telis or both of us, again, I couldn’t tell.

We bantered for a bit until I had to leave; I couldn’t stay for long, 15 minutes max and I was out of there. I went to meet my friend and we ate a massive meal then went to an improv show. Afterwards, we grabbed drinks and chatted for a bit. It was nice. I saw that he was at a stage in his life where he needed good and honest people around him and it made my heart happy that I could be one of those people to him. I made a new friend that night.

Sometime past midnight I found myself at Telis’ place. I promised myself that I wouldn’t stay, that I’d go home at 4:27am, because why not? It was good a time as any. As I was leaving his place that morning, I checked the time and it was 4:22am – close enough. If my life wasn’t dramatic already, then it was to find its place below ‘DRAMA’ in the dictionary that night. I was slightly tipsy with a belly full of food. I bounced around his place, jumped on his bed, just did general silly things and right on cue, when at my most buoyant, my life took a turn for the worse.

Over-consumption is a thing, and when you have a stomach as small and as intolerant as mine, too much food can become a problem. And it did.

I suddenly felt sick. Something had to come out from somewhere, I didn’t care where, just not while I was at Telis’ place. I wanted to go home. I had to go home. I was not going to embarrass myself. But the body wants what the body wants, and the food in my stomach needed an out. I ran to his bathroom and locked the door behind me, because I knew he’d follow me and I threw up quite excessively in his toilet. I felt better almost immediately but I tasted disgusting. Telis gave me his travel toothbrush to brush my teeth with, which I took gratefully.

That night tested me. We found ourselves in a dance of passion and constraint. I wanted him but I didn’t. Kiss me, but don’t. Touch me, but not too much. Be a part of me, but not today. I was emotionally exhausted by my own back and forth. I was in and out of myself. I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. I was comfortable in his arms but my own rules were nagging at me, ’Go home Dera, you shouldn’t be doing this.’ We should have been asleep but I over-complicated something that shouldn’t have been so hard and so as with every situation where I feel conflicted, I did what I do best – I ran away. Telis walked me home and I was in bed by 5am.

Saturday, 10am and a phone call from Ashton woke me up. I’d agreed to hand out flyers for our local comic book shop. I was so tired. My lack of sleep left me feeling more dead than alive. For an hour, Ashton and I stood on the streets of Deraland handing out flyers to the general public. It was pretty fun and despite my fatigue I was happy to be out and about doing something meaningful. Telis came to join us after a while, and I was delighted to see him and Ashton getting along.

After my vomit adventure of the night before, I was committed to staying away from food and alcohol for the whole day – only water was allowed. The afternoon was young and Telis, Ashton and I went to a bar where we spent the afternoon chilling, chatting and enjoying the sun – me mostly trying to stay awake. Telis then became persistent that I should have something light to eat. We went together to buy me some bread and butter and a banana. I love bread and butter. Ashton’s girlfriend also joined us and we had a potential double date in front of us. It was a fun afternoon, then we went our separate ways – Telis and I and Ashton and his girlfriend.

I was back at Telis’ place and in his bedroom. We started watching Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood as it’s my favourite anime. We got through the first episode but successive episodes had no chance of being watched. We were distracted by each other and things kept escalating. We kissed each other, he touched me, I touched him – he came all over me. We took a shower. He cooked for me. Back to bed. We kissed each other. He touched me. I touched him. It was a cycle. Tension grew.

But sometimes I wasn’t there. I was somewhere in my head questioning everything. Were we moving too fast? Should we be doing this? When am I going to go home? Am I going to be wrong about him? We kissed each other. He touched me. I touched him. Our bodies were responsive to one other. But my mind was closed. My body knew what I wanted even whilst my brain refused it. But what’s passion without the mind being in sync with the body?

I needed to slow things down. We started watching a movie. Somehow I’d fallen asleep in his arms but I hadn’t realised. Then I was suddenly awake. In my delirium I spoke about pizza and our potential power couple status. I told him that we’d be a power couple because we both worked hard for what we wanted. Then I drifted straight back into sleep. Until 10 minutes later when I jumped up because I had to teach him how to dance salsa and bachata ahead of the following day’s class. I was in such a drowsy state that the talk of pizza and power couple was forgotten until he reminded me the day after. I still don’t fully remember it and I’m not sure what prompted it either.

I was too comfortable where I was and made the decision to sleep over. I was worried. Sleeping next to new people is something I struggle with. I get really anxious and my heart races throughout the night. I was already so tired and a night filled with heart palpitations just wasn’t what I needed, but I stayed over anyway.

And I slept like a fucking baby.

I was calm. At peace. It was effortless. But then I got woken up at 6am because someone called my phone. With that came the heart palpitations – every morning when my alarm rings it causes my heart to speed up, I don’t know why. But I thought that now that I was awake and my heart was misbehaving that I wouldn’t be able to get it to slow down. I thought my awareness of Telis next to me would keep me in a state of anxiety for the rest of the morning. But soon I was relaxed and lost in deep slumber.

When I woke up the second time, I wondered how I had slept so well. It made no sense to me. My anxiety always got the better of me and sleep became a fallacy. In fact, how had I managed to fall asleep while lying on his chest? It’s something that’s never happened. I can’t sleep while being touched and yet, that morning, during my second attempt at sleep, I drifted away with Telis’ arms around me.

After what happened, I began to understand what he meant when he said that I was becoming his peace of mind. Because I felt the same way. Subconsciously, I was already so comfortable with him. Subconsciously, I had no reason to worry. Subconsciously, it was effortless to be so at peace with him. But my conscious mind had its own opinions.

We spent the whole of Sunday morning and most of the afternoon in bed. Again, we kissed each other. He touched me. I touched him. We had sex.

He felt so good. He was inside me and I wanted him there. There were no regrets.

He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.

I went to salsa class, he went to meet some friends. We came back together in the evening and that’s when my self-doubt came out to play. I’d done it again. I’d moved too fast. Everything I said I wouldn’t do I did. I stayed over. I slept with him. I wasn’t #SingleForAYear. I wanted things to be different and yet here I was doing things all wrong. Now it was just a countdown to everything being ruined. Everything I felt for Telis went out of the window. My emotions left me. All I had was this whisper that spelled out my impending doom. What if I was wrong to do everything that I did? What if I’d find myself miserable again? I’d fucked up.

Maybe it was better for me to be alone. It wasn’t fair to take him on my rollercoaster of indecision. He deserved better. He had to go. I had to go. I’d really fucked up.

But he told me he wasn’t going anywhere.

So I said I’d walk away. And he let me. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t. I was drawn to him. Drawn to his kindness. His heart. His ability to put me at ease with myself. I wasn’t crazy to him. He understood me. He was a safe space.

He was home.

I asked for him. When I was at my saddest and most lonely, I asked for him. When it seemed like life didn’t want me to have the very thing I’d forever craved for, I asked for him. Even when the sun was shining and I was filled with joy, I asked for him. He’s everything.

Of course I couldn’t walk away.

But whilst I know this, I’m doubting myself. I’m doubting everything that I believed. And that scares me. There’s nothing worse than not being able to trust yourself.

Anyway, we ended the night at my place. We talked, it was easy, like usual. Then he went home.

I’m at a place where my feelings are hiding. I know what would happen if I gave myself to him wholeheartedly. I’m not ready for that. So even though things may have moved faster than I wanted, I’m still going to be cautious with my heart.

* * *

I’m hosting a meetup today! To be honest, I’ve been so distracted by my life that I haven’t been able to properly get excited by it. I have a few friends coming and Telis too. I told him he can’t keep kissing me because I’m hosting and it would be inappropriate! Haha!

I met a few of his friends this weekend actually. And he met a few of mine. I’m excited for him to one day meet Tank and Junior. Maybe he’ll meet Tank today if Tank decides to show up.

I have 26 people RSVP’d to today’s meetup, including +1s. So far, it’s been consistently well received. And people are coming back, which I’m pleased about as it means I’ve created an environment where they feel comfortable enough to return to.

Generally things have been going well. I’m in a new relationship. I’m about to buy an apartment, I have my driving test in two weeks which also means that I could be buying a car soon, my meetup is growing, I have friends. Everything is great!

There’s a fifth coincidence!

I completely forgot about it because why would I want to think about Igor. Igor was a semi-professional poker player, as was Telis. How many people play poker professionally?!

I was a bit perplexed as to why he shared nothing in common with Igor, I mean, the universe doesn’t miss a beat – every guy that I’ve spent romantic time with (where sex wasn’t the only factor) was somehow also linked to Telis, Igor not excluded. And the thing is, Telis did mention to me the poker thing on the Friday night that we went out and I did think of Igor in the moment, but who wants to ruin their mood with thoughts of Igor? So I forgot all about it almost immediately. All these coincidences came to light on that Friday. Nothing else has been revealed since then.

It took an effort for me to actually get the story out yesterday. I felt so awkward basically telling a guy a tale of how we are predestined to be together. But I eventually told it, albeit from a 3rd person’s perspective – I needed to completely remove myself from the narrative. I stood up in front of him as if I was giving a presentation then paced around the room as I recounted fact after fact. It was fun.

Yesterday was nice. We went out to dinner and he let me pay. Then we went back to his place and just chatted. We talked loads actually. And did sexual stuff… I ended up leaving his place past 1am. Me shutting down last night, it wasn’t so much that I was upset that things went further, it’s just that there’s a certain level of vulnerability required for naked cuddles and I wasn’t in a position to share myself with someone. Being intimate is hard. I still like him but I’m still very cautious. My heart is on the line.

He asked me out for Friday. I don’t know if I should meet up with him, I’m already seeing him on Sunday AND Monday. Except on Monday we’ll be in a group setting because I’ll be hosting another meetup. I’ll think about it.

Speaking of meetup, I’m going comic con! And I’ll definitely be cosplaying too! I can’t wait! I’ve created a meetup around it so my members and I can go together in a group! Telis is coming too! And Brown – I wonder how he’d feel about me having a white boyfriend. It’s none of his business anyway!

But do I have to date him? I don’t want to. I just want to be alone.

Boo…

* * *

As if to answer my own musings, I decided not to see Telis tomorrow, I want to keep our meetings to maximum twice a week. If we start seeing each other regularly then it’ll become and thing and I don’t think I’m ready for something fast paced. Also, I did tell Brown about Telis and he didn’t care. So there we go!

Remember the story I wrote about cladding my heart in armour? I showed it to Telis yesterday and sent it to him today as a “gift”. It’s a nice story and at least he’ll have something to remember me by if this doesn’t work out.

I have my quote of the month for June, ‘You’re becoming my peace of mind’ – Telis. How sweet is that?! He said that in response to his comment, ‘I too struggle at times, I just don’t show it.’ So comforting.

I want to think about him and I. About how I feel about him. I know I think too much. I should stop thinking and just feel what I feel. I feel like I don’t know him and I am not comfortable enough to be intimate with him. It’s still early days. This will take a while…

So things escalated today, as they naturally would. We didn’t have sex but I did want him to want me and touch me and see me, as I naturally would. But then I shut down and went inside myself when he wanted to snuggle me while we were naked. It’s not the sort of shutting down that leaves you regretful, it’s more akin to not wanting to expose yourself to someone. Being vulnerable requires trust in not only the other person, but yourself. I feel like I’ll be wrong to trust him. Especially if his intentions aren’t pure. I’d be a fool again.

Intimacy is something I’m not ready for. It requires letting go completely and I cannot do that. I’m still too guarded and don’t yet have the emotional freedom with him that’s required. If sex is reduced to something purely physical with him, I don’t think I’d be able to connect my emotions to it.

Snuggles are an intense form of intimacy. Sex is the easy part! I’d sooner have sex with him than snuggle, granted I block and ignore him thereafter.

Intimacy really requires a lot more emotional vulnerability and it makes being single so much more attractive. I just don’t want to open myself up to anyone. I can’t afford another heartbreak. I’m not doing that to myself again.

It’s Wednesday tomorrow!! Eeee!! He actually messaged me today. We chatted briefly, I told him I was going to tell him a story. Now I need to decide whether or not I want to actually tell him this story or abort mission and run away.

But how do I tell it? Where do I start? Do I give an introduction? A summary? An overview?

Perhaps I should save it for another day. I don’t know how ‘we’re destined to be together’ will sound. I think I won’t tell the story. Especially if he thinks I’m reading the coincidences all wrong. But knowing me, I’d probably tell him.

Actually, I’ll tell him in a way where I’m not perpetuating the idea of a forever with him but rather I’m simply analysing what happened from an outsider’s perspective.

I calculated that we’ve spent just over 20 hours with each other in total. That’s a lot of hours. It’s weird. Two weeks ago, I would never have thought I’d be involved with another guy. I’m still not sure about how I feel about everything. This isn’t something I wanted – the whole dating malarky. It caught me off guard. I didn’t even want to give him a chance but now that I am, I’m going to have fun with it. I’ll enjoy his company and get to know him.

I like the impact he’s having in my life. I’ve already learnt so much from him and I want to expand my knowledge even further. I like that there’s so much to discuss with him. It’s actually rewarding in a way.

He asked me today if I had thought about the customer needs for my clothing brand. I said, ‘I have the answer. The customer need is simple: acceptance. And that explains it all. The end!’ To which he replied, ‘We will build on that but actually well done, it’s brilliant.’ I’m laughing but for some reason I have tears in my eyes because he is so sweet! Firstly, he said we. Secondly, he still praised me for my answer despite it not being as elaborate as it could have been. And thirdly, he fucking said we! He’s really pushing me to think about my brand, I’m just being a lazy motherfucker.

But he said we!

Anyway, let’s not be getting ahead of ourselves here.

I want to quit my job and find something new. I’m ready. Fed up of that place. I need change. If I actually end up in a new job, 2018 truly will be the year of change: first house, first car, new job, new lover (potentially). It’ll be like a new life. Hopefully a good one.

I have a good feeling about everything. I don’t know. I feel like meeting Telis set something in motion. Something big is about to happen and I can feel it in my bones.

I came up with a theory last night. I’m so sleepy right now but the gist of it is: Jesus was a genetic fluke. Like how animals can perceive things that humans can’t, like different frequencies and colours, Jesus could view and influence the world on a molecular level. That’s how he performed his miracles. Perhaps his brain was able to understand something the average human brain couldn’t. To Jesus, this was akin to breathing because that’s how he saw existence, it was normal to him, but to the everyday man who couldn’t comprehend the magics Jesus was performing, it was a mystery.

Similarly, if the universe could create sentient beings such as humans, the universe itself could be sentient. If that’s the case, what’s to say that the universe isn’t God, a creation of humanity to explain the unexplainable.

I know these ideas probably aren’t new, but they’re something to think about.

If the whole universe is written in our DNA, that would imply that everything and everyone is connected, and hence something I do here in Deraland would affect something a million lightyears away because of quantum entanglement, where time and distance isn’t a thing and entangled particles can influence each other instantaneously despite being lightyears away from each other.

I want to pose these questions and theories to Telis and see what he thinks.