Category: Journal

I’m actually too excited to see Telis on Wednesday. I’m in two minds about telling him of all the signs that seem to point to him. I don’t know if he’d be freaked out. But if he’s meant to be mine, then I guess nothing I say can scare him away. I’ll tell him and then I’ll come back here to tell of how it backfired on me.

* * *

Is it Wednesday yet?

This whole synchronicity thing is a lot for my logical brain to come to terms with. The way I’m speaking as if I fully believe fate is a thing. That a love between two people is written in the stars. I sound crazy to myself when I think that all these signs point to something big. I want to believe it. I really do. I’m not one to turn my back on new ideas and theories. And as absurd as this does sound, I’m going to fully invest in it. I’ll give it a chance, see what comes of it.

I’ll assume that the universe is trying to tell me something and perhaps by doing so, I’ll witness the biggest love story in all of eternity unfold around me – and it’ll be my story. (Or the biggest calamity of mankind, but hey, let’s think positive).

* * *

I sense heartbreak.

But I also sense infinite love.

This is going to hurt.

* * *

I’m still so befuddled about how sudden all of this is. The fact that for the past few weeks, absolutely nothing was happening in my life then suddenly everything was happening.

It all came at a time when I started accepting things about myself. I accepted that I am different. I accepted that I am naive. I accepted that getting hurt was part of the package of being me. I accepted my brief experience of something complete. I accepted the loss of a friend. And I stopped looking for love. I wished for it with all my heart but I accepted that it would happen when the time is right. And I believed it.

 * * *

Reading through, my journal has an overarching theme of loneliness and love. It’s clear what’s most important for me in this life – to feel accepted, to love and be loved.

That’s all I want…

I want to pose a theory, and hear me out. So many things have been coming up that I’m trying to understand.

Listen. What if all those guys whom I experienced something with were brought into my life to show me something. To teach me what it was that I needed so that when it came my way, I’d be able to recognise it.

Dating Jomi and Igor was like dating two extremes. Jomi and I had this beautiful friendship, it was everything. I’ll never discount that experience because it’s something I shared with someone special and I’d love to have that again with another person. At the same time, our sexual connectivity was lacking and hence I wasn’t fulfilled. Then I met Igor and we had amazing sex and I finally thought I’d found something real. But that friendship wasn’t there, we had nothing in common and it drove me to sadness. It was clear I’d never be at ease with myself in an incomplete relationship. Yet, I’d only been able to experience two separate parts of love until Cymric. Cymric brought it all together. That weekend that I was with him opened my eyes to what I could have, it showed me what I wanted and even though it killed me that I had to leave behind the one thing that I’d always wanted, I had to understand that it wasn’t for me.

Then there are the guys that had very little impact in my life, other than to act as beacons of recognition in the future. The guy whom I met at that young professionals meetup that worked at Company T didn’t teach me anything during our days of dating. Neither did my one night of romance with that wonderful stranger, where we laid in a basket swing looking up at the stars in a children’s playground. But I didn’t forget them.

Then I met Telis.

At this point, I knew what I wanted from love. I wanted what I shared with Cymric. I wanted Cymric. But he was never mine and was never meant to be mine. But Telis, he isn’t Cymric. Cymric was my benchmark for ‘real’. He was my benchmark for what it meant for me to feel accepted. And Telis met and exceeded that benchmark because where Cymric came at me with bluntness and arrogance of opinions (which I didn’t mind), Telis approached with thoughtfulness, compassion and care. From then on the friendship was only natural. He put me at ease. My insecurities were handled with care, something that Igor could never do, but Jomi did effortlessly. And then we kissed and he evoked in me something more magical than anything I’d shared with Igor.

But these are all emotional, I could experience that with anyone. Where the little symbolisms started to come into play is where I started to suspect that something strange was going on.

I’ve only ever been involved with two guys that I’ve met at the young professionals meetup and they both happened to work at Company T. Ok, not a big deal, it happens, it’s a big company. That’s fair. But then, within the space of a single sentence, Teils recommended me to read two books that Cymric had also recommended me. Two separate books by two separate authors. But fine, they’re probably quite similar people who read similar types of books, probably just a coincidence. Then he takes me to a children’s playground where we lay inside a basket swing looking up at the stars, something that’s already happened to me. And now the universe is playing games.

But all these coincidences are hard to ignore and to add the cherry on top of all of this, he buys me The Alchemist to read – a book about seeing the signs that the universe gives you. And it’s like, ok universe, I get it!

And yet, for some reason, I’m reading The Alchemist and I’m reminded of 1001 Nights, the book that Cymric bought me. And it’s like life is saying, ‘you wanted Cymric, but he was never yours to begin with. But look, Telis is like Cymric, he imbues the things you appreciated about Cymric, he reads the books that Cymric reads, he even bought you a book that reminded you of the one Cymric bought you. He’s not Cymric, you can’t have Cymric, but here is someone more suited to you. I only gave you Cymric to show you that you could experience something complete so as to help you recognise it when it came along for real. Cymric was only a lesson and I know all you want is something like what you shared with Cymric and you’d probably only accept the things that aligned to that so I’ll show you this guy and you’ll see how similar he is to Cymric and maybe you’ll understand that although he’s not Cymric he is everything you want and probably need.’

Deep shit, eh?

And then as I’m laying in my bed, waiting for my alarm to ring, despite already being awake, my mind is wondering about all of the above. About how people are brought into your life to teach or show you something. And then I wake up and I have a message from Barney; a link to a webpage on how we don’t meet people by accident. That everything happens for a reason. Nothing is coincidence. And now I’m convinced that the universe really is trying to tell me something.

I’m not saying Telis is my person. I don’t feel much for him at the moment. As far as I’m concerned, I want to be single and a relationship is an inconvenience. But I will give him a chance and we’ll see what happens. All I can do is read the signs. I won’t get ahead of myself and think that I’ve found the love of my life. He could just be another lesson. I’ll enjoy the experience as I already am doing and take it a day at a time.

* * *

I don’t know what signs and symbols the universe has shown him to make him so sure that he wants to date me. But I do know how my hand was steered to start this whole chain reaction.

We first met back in October 2017 at the young professionals meetup. As I was leaving, a group of three other people were leaving too and I tagged along with them. Telis was among them but him and I never really spoke. We all went to KFC, messed around and then went our separate way for the night. None of them left much of an impression on me and I never hung out with them again. Two of them became Facebook friends with me, but not Telis. And that was that.

Then I went to another meetup in April where I bumped into Telis and spoke briefly with him. I reminded him of the night in KFC we hung out together because I’m sure he’d forgotten who I was. The conversation was mostly dead and so I made an excuse to leave.

He then added me as a friend on Facebook and invited me to his housewarming party. However, I couldn’t make it because I had plans with my family that weekend. So I went on the event page to let him know I wouldn’t be making it.

As I was trying to write the message, one of those fancy, coloured text boxes kept popping up and I didn’t want to write my message in a fancy coloured text box, I just wanted to write a normal message in black on white. I attempted the message a few times, each time getting the text box.

I told myself, ‘fuck this, I’ll just send him a private message.’ So, I did and through nothing but sheer kindness, I wrote, ‘let’s do something sometime.’ It wasn’t premeditated. It was just my way of being polite. I had no intention of ever doing ‘something sometime’ with him. But he replied with, ‘yes let’s do something when you can,’ and I could have just replied with, ‘sure!’ and left it at that, but instead I said, ‘let me know when you’re free and we can arrange something.’ Again, just being polite.

But four days passed and he hadn’t responded, which was good because I didn’t really want to go out with someone I wasn’t actually interested in. But on day five, he replied asking me if I wanted to ‘go grab a drink on Friday after work’. I said, ‘Yeah sure, let’s do that.’ And the rest is history.

Facebook’s stupid text boxes started this. If they didn’t keep popping up, I wouldn’t have had to message him privately and he wouldn’t have asked me out.

I was manipulated by fate.

* * *

Today has been a good day. I cleaned the house with my housemate Cott then did a little research into synchronicity and quantum entanglement. Then went to salsa and now I’m having a little break before going to the gym.

At salsa, I was so tempted by all the potential male peoples. Technically I’m very single so a girl can look but it wasn’t that I was fancying them, I was thinking about what would happen if I ended up with one of those guys instead of Telis. What if the universe is wrong? What would happen if I went against it? Perhaps Telis is a short term thing? Maybe he’ll be my biggest calamity yet? Who knows…

I don’t know if I want a relationship. I’m not really feeling Telis. I like him, but, I don’t know. I feel like there should be more. Like I should know in my gut that he’s my guy. Sometimes people just know but I don’t feel that way about him. Even the first two times I met him at the meetups he didn’t really stand out to me. Anyway, I said I’d give him a chance. I don’t want to question everything. And don’t forget, I felt everything for Igor, in fact, I was so sure he was my forever, and yet he turned out to be extremely wrong for me. So maybe I need to just stop wanting things to happen in ways that they have before and expecting a different result. A slow burner could be the change I need.

I really do question everything. Man…

I’m going to do things differently to how I’ve done in the past. No more rushing. I’m going to keep seeing Telis once a week. Twice on some occasions. If we ever get to the point where we’re exclusive we can incorporate sleepovers but even then it won’t be too often. 

Sex won’t even be a thing. Sex? What’s that?

Exactly.

We’ll continue to do couple things, maybe eventually seeing each other more frequently up until we fall in love. Then SEX! It probably won’t happen like that, but it’ll be nice if we could wait until we see a long term future with each other.

Then from then on life can do whatever the hell it wants with us. Either we live happily ever after or he breaks my heart in ways a heart has never been broken before.

But for now, I’ll keep my boundaries.

* * *

I’m absolutely exhausted from my little gym sesh. I don’t even have the energy to shower. Ew.

Anyway Journal, I just wanted to say that I am happy. This is the least lonely I’ve felt in a long time. Ever since I decided to confront my otherness and accept it, I’ve felt free. I’ve stopped putting myself in group situations where I know I’d feel uncomfortable and different. Also acknowledging my abandonment issues has made it easier for me to let people go, or rather, to accept that people leave all the time. My little fallout with Tank should have driven me to a point of hysteria. Losing Cymric should have had me questioning what I did wrong, to inevitably have me spiral into an endless darkness. But I let both situations go and I was happier for it.

Growth.

I don’t understand. I was literally writing about how bland my life is on Thursday and suddenly on Friday I’m kissing guys, wetting myself and throwing up all over the place. It literally escalated from nowhere and I never saw it coming.

How it only takes one day for everything to change… It’s quite disturbing.

Trust my love story to start off so dramatically. No preamble, just dropping straight to the theatrics. Typical Dera.

It makes for a good story… I guess. But not in the moment when I’m soaked and ridiculously embarrassed.

This better be from God because I am not doing it again.

I hope it’s from God.

I mean…

I did ask Him.

I prayed for a healed heart and true love.

My heart healed.

Granted, I did break it again. But it healed.

And it keeps healing, just waiting for the next heartbreak.

But even as I wait, my hope never falters.

I know he’s out there.

And it’s when I am least expecting it that he will come.

Like how this unexpected romance blindsided me.

Strange.

I do hope it’s from God. Then I’ll know it’s real.

I want it to be real.

Please let it be real.

If it isn’t then please God, don’t let it go any further.

Please.

* * *

I don’t want to say that I believe in all that premonition stuff. I mean, I am reading a book that speaks repeatedly about omens and how things that happen in our lives are signs of what are yet to come.

I haven’t deeply thought about it but this has been in the back of my mind since Friday.

1. I once met a guy back in 2016 at a salsa social party. We hit it off and decided to leave together. We walked down to a children’s playground and found ourselves talking about life, atop a basket swing with me in his arms. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. He didn’t kiss me but it was one of the single most romantic experiences of my life. I never met him again.
2. I was involved with a guy who works at Company T. I met him at a young professionals meetup.
3. Jomi, my ex fiancé, switched career paths and now works as a Data Scientist.
4. I had a friend, named Cymric, who would talk with me about all things psychology, philosophy and life. He bought me a book, 1001 Nights.

Why I’m exploring this train of thought is beyond me, but maybe there are little things in life that point towards something life-changing. But let’s have a look:

1. I went out with a guy last Friday. We walked down to a children’s playground and found ourselves talking about life, atop a basket swing with me in his arms. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. He kissed me.
2. This guy works at Company T. I met him at a young professionals meetup.
3. He recently switched career paths and now works as a Data Scientist.
4. Me and him talk about all things psychology, philosophy and life. He bought me a book, The Alchemist.

Can you see the overlap? Perhaps I’m just reaching, but I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that there’s more at play here than I realise.

It could all just be a coincidence, or it could be one big sign pointing to something even bigger.

But it can’t be coincidence that The Alchemist book puts me in the mind of 1001 Nights. There are huge similarities between both books. Telis also mentioned to me, in the same sentence, the exact same two books that Cymric had once told me to read. I haven’t wanted to say it because I don’t like comparing people, but he reminds me too much of Cymric – since that first meeting, I’ve thought that but I’ve ignored it because I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

It also can’t be coincidence that I met him the exact same way that I met someone else and they both happen to work at the same company. Those two are the only people I’ve met that work at Company T.

Jomi recently became a data scientist. So did Telis. Again, I’ve never met any other data scientists. But the two I’ve met not so long ago switched to follow that new career path.

I had a repeat romantic experience and it ended in a way that the other one didn’t – with a kiss. How likely are night time strolls to repeat? Especially when both times I wasn’t the one leading the way. Both times I was led to that playground.

I don’t know, I really don’t want to start thinking crazy shit. Let’s just ignore everything and wait for my life to play out however it wants.

* * *

My mind is blown.

I’ve started delving into topics surrounding synchronicity, interconnectedness and chaos theory. I NEED to discuss this with someone. There’s a lot to explore and discover. My horizons must be broadened because I NEED to understand what is going on! I cannot wait to see Telis, I just want to be able to talk about these things with him.

I told Junior and my housemate Barney about what I’d experienced regarding Telis and the similarities in events I’d experienced with past lovers and asked them for their opinions. Junior reckons it’s not a coincidence and that my stars are aligning. Barney said that I have angels looking after me and that perhaps I’ve found my soulmate. I even told my sister Elfa and she said she’s “convinced” that I’ve found the one. How much of it she actually believes, I don’t know but at least she came to the same deduction as my friends.

Speaking of my sister, we video chatted for an hour. We spoke about life, relationships and sex. Apparently she’s had lots of it. Nice. Anyway! It was good to have an adult conversation with one of my sisters. She’s 20 – No longer a baby.

Today has been nice. I didn’t have any particular plans but I went out and played some tabletop games with a bunch of people. I chose that over a nationally anticipated afrobeats concert. My idea of fun needs to be reevaluated.

I can’t believe how much I’ve learnt since my first date with Telis. I like that he teaches me things. He messaged me today. We chatted briefly, I flirted (I think), and joked about with him. It left me giggling like a little school girl.

But what if my little moments of synchronicities are forewarnings? All those guys that I experienced those events with, it never worked out. Maybe seeing those similarities in Telis is a way to stop me from going further with him?

Anyway, I’m going to church tomorrow. Apparently… 

Must sleep. Night!

I’m really nervous. If I’ve found my person, I don’t want to mess things up. He’s someone who I like as a person, who is interesting and ambitious enough to keep my attention.

I can’t stop thinking about him, which is exciting. I quite like that he’s assertive. I don’t like being told what to do, but I like it when a man takes the lead. He gave me a deadline for my clothing line business plan, which is cute, but I probably won’t adhere to it.

I do want to give this a chance. There have been a lot of guys that I’ve rejected. Through the classic art of ghosting of course, because I’m a little pussy. It’s not just anyone I allow to get close to me. The fact that I’ve allowed him to get this far proves enough that on a subconscious level, there’s something there.

* * *

Ok, I want to compare because these are my own private thoughts and there’s nothing wrong with me looking at different characteristics of men that I did or didn’t like in the past.

Actually I shouldn’t. Let’s not focus on the negative of others. Let’s only see the good. But all I wanted to say is that I find it easier to talk about the intricacies of my life with Telis than I did with Igor. Like for example, I showed him messages my little sister sent me about wanting to borrow my Dr. Martens and my responses to her, and I was laughing at the cheek of it all with him. I never did that with Igor. I never shared the little things that make up my everyday life. The things that I liked to talk about that kept me sane and feeling less lonely.

He doesn’t exacerbate my insecurities. If anything, he tries to reassure me that it’s ok and the thing that I’m insecure about is actually what he likes about me. Isn’t that lovely?

I know I said I wouldn’t get ahead of myself, but this is between you and me, Journal. I won’t tell him how much I’m liking him but in this space, I will allow myself the freedom to just feel and create my own little fairytale.

So let’s rewind to last Friday. Let’s take every little bit of magic and over-analyse it.

Storytime

To be honest, last Friday, I had no expectations whatsoever. As far as I was concerned I was just meeting an acquaintance for drinks. No way did I think it would lead to anything other than friendship. I wasn’t excited, nor was I nervous. It may have well been a meeting with my local supermarket cashier. That’s how low profile the whole thing was in my mind.

Let me not lie, I already assumed we’d have nothing in common. The last two times I’d seen him, prior to last Friday, we didn’t really speak and when we did, the conversation was so basic that it left a lot to be desired. When I say I had no expectations, best believe I was ready to leave with the same opinion of him that arrived with – none.

But I was surprised.

We started off in a wine bar. He ordered a wine, I ordered a cocktail and than we sat down to talk. And wow. The conversation was deep. It was personal. It was easy. And it was nice. We spoke about everything. Our interests, our lives. Our aspirations. We had too much in common and I saw before me someone who was like me and my little heart rejoiced for I wasn’t so alone in the world after all.

At this point I sensed our potential and slowly I started putting on my emotional armour. Gauntlet – check. Greaves – check.

We then moved onto a Nepalese restaurant where we sat and ate and of course, talked some more. Then we went dancing. Breastplate – check. Vambrace – check.

Then taking a late night stroll, we found ourselves in a children’s playground where I ended up in his arms atop a basket swing. That was where he first kissed me. Helm – check. Pauldron – check.

Then shit hit the fan and my shield went up too.

I arrived to our little rendezvous unguarded and left with a heart fully clad in armour.

Everything was so unexpected that it was like walking into an invisible brick wall. I came out more wounded than I would have liked. My anxiety hit me in the face and I ran from it. No way was I going to face it again.

I saw him on the Sunday. That was the day I was to tell him that I didn’t want a relationship. I told him I wasn’t emotionally ready. He was pretty adamant about dating me but I refused. There was just no chance. I wasn’t there yet. But at least I’d told him. Slowly, the armour came off; there was no longer any possibility of a relationship. I’d keep evading all his advances if I had to… Until that evening.

We went back to his place. It was chilled. We listened to music, talked and although I was slightly guarded, I could be myself.

But without a moment’s notice, I was fully armoured once again. He was talking, saying something that I can’t remember because I wasn’t listening. I was looking at him. And in that second I knew I liked him. Weapon in hand, my mind immediately began preparing itself for battle. My heart sounded its war cry and there stood my enemies. Anxiety. Fear. Apprehension. Mistrust. And I knew it was time to flee.

As I was leaving, he asked if he could see me on Wednesday. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to say no, so I told him I’d think about it. And think about it I did!

And when Wednesday arrived, I once again found myself in his company but I was so heavily armoured that there was no freedom to move – no freedom to be myself.

I lost the openness that I donned on Friday and convinced myself it was because I didn’t like him. But every touch was like lightning through my soul. Every kiss lit a fire within me that could not be extinguished. My mind may have been convinced, but my body wasn’t.

And that’s where I am right now. Trying to consider the magic, but only seeing my own insecurities.

But there was magic. There was magic laying in his arms under the stars talking about the insignificance of man. There was magic in that first kiss because the whole universe bore witness to it. There was magic in the food we shared and the drinks we drank. We danced with magic and our laughter entwined with it. The meeting of our eyes held a piece of it but the biggest and best magic of all was that meeting of our lips; connected in a single moment, hearts aflutter and passions afire.

He’s made my days magical but I’ll always be distracted by the war I’m fighting within myself. But I will fight it and I will win as not to miss out on any more spectacular moments.

Now that I’ve had my moment to indulge in my fairytale, I can go back to guarding my mind and my heart. Until next time Journal!

* * *

I haven’t actually spoken much about Sunday.

Quick recap: We sat in a park under the sun for a while casually chatting. He then asked if he could have my weekend and upon my acceptance, he took me on a journey outside of Deraland. He bought our train tickets and we went to a little town by the river. It was beautiful. We walked around, talked and he bought me ice cream. We then sat in another park, and continued our conversation. We returned back to Deraland and made our way to his place. He put some garlic bread in the oven for me because I hadn’t eaten all day, then we talked some more then I left. Done.

* * *

Heart’s racing. Why? Why? Why?

Telis bought me the book, ‘The Alchemist’. There’s definitely a lot to learn within it. The concluding pages speak about love, and it’s right: when we’re in love, we always strive to become better than we are. There also is no reason for loving, one is loved because one is loved.

I understand that. I’ve always reiterated that love is choosing someone over and over again just because. There sometimes isn’t a sane rationale behind it, and that’s why love is scary. Love could be the difference between staying in an unhappy relationship and leaving one.

However, love is beautiful. It’s everything. I’d love to be in love. 

I can’t wait.

What a fucking depressing day. Even work was annoying. To be honest, I slept quite late last night so I’m pretty tired and just damn miserable. I was in a trance for the most of the morning just daydreaming and thinking and thinking and daydreaming. You know me…

I was walking around like a robot. Barely taking in my surroundings. I need to unwind. Meditate for a good 30 minutes and empty out my brain. It’s everything to be honest; I’ve been looking at houses, doing viewings, considering my options, and then there’s this new relationship that I’ve suddenly found myself in plus trying to figure out how to actually go about my clothing line ambitions, it’s all just a lot.

Relationships always take up a good portion of my thoughts, which is normal, especially when they’re new, but I have the added perks of worrying and self-inflicted stress. Lovely…

I just want something stress free this time.

Last night when I saw Telis, I told him my boundaries, including no sex, which was fine. The only thing he wasn’t enthusiastic about was when I said we weren’t exclusive. I told him that I didn’t want him to think he has me, because he doesn’t. He’s not my boyfriend.

I’m not exactly seeing anyone else but I need him to understand that although I’m giving him a chance, it doesn’t mean that there’s a guarantee I will be his girlfriend.

I still don’t know if I want to be with anyone.

It’s easy to be alone because the sadness that comes with loneliness is more bearable than that that comes with being in a bad relationship. And I’d rather bask in my loneliness…

I know by saying this I risk finding a good thing, the one thing I’ve always wanted, but I don’t know… Maybe it’s just not meant for me?

The closest I’ve come to finding something real was with Cymric and even then it was still way too far. I don’t like comparing people to people but Telis, in his own right, is on my wavelength. I’m not going to use him to berate anyone but as I’ve said before, “Guys are different from guys. You can’t paint them all with the same brush. Some just aren’t worth shit though.” #MenAreTrash and whatnot, but not all men.

I’m still so ridiculously wary of Telis. He has this unmoving resolve to make me his and that in itself is scary. Especially since it’s still very early on and he doesn’t know me well enough to concretely say he wants me. At least he’s honest, but I want to remain cautious.

It reminds me of a poem I wrote. I actually read it to him on Sunday while we were out:

Make You Mine [24/10/2017]

You see, my dear, there’s no two ways about it;
You’re going to be mine.
And this isn’t a case of wishful overthinking
Or unwarranted obsession.

I just know enough to put the sums together
Whereby the result is us.
And no matter which way you try to spin it
It always comes back to you.

And though I’ve been hit with inconvenient timing,
My certainty knows no bounds.
The way this love has been set up guarantees
That I’ll wait for you.

So I’ll look into your eyes, and give into the need
To take your hand in mine.
And place it over the heart you unwittingly captured
With hopes you’ll feel it too.

With hopes that you’ll realise.
I’m going to make you mine.

It’s my little stalker poem, cute right?

I understand the feeling when it’s for someone you properly know. But someone new? I don’t know. I could be a fucking psycho. In fact, I am…

Let’s take this a day at a time. It’s ok for me to have reservations but I shouldn’t overthink things.

* * *

I feel good! I spoke to Junior, he said that I’m doing good and he’s proud of me! (The whole taking things slow).

I’ve been listening to Sri Vishnu Yantra by Eidola non-stop, amazing song! I’m in love with it. I really have to see them live, I don’t care what it takes! Especially if they perform that song – I’d die!

* * *

What’s the difference between Telis and the Italian? I’ve known from the start that I have no interest in the Italian, so how did I stop things from going further while with Telis I find myself constantly thinking about him. What’s different?

Food for thought, eh?

Whoa. I find myself reading the book he bought me and writing notes because I don’t want to forget any important points for when I discuss it with him. I am so excited to discuss a book! This level of intellectualism is what I live for. I love it! I’m looking forward to seeing him today. To all the things we could talk about.

Is this what I could potentially anticipate in married life? Granted I meet the right person of course, is this how fun it could be? I really want this in my future. I just feel so understood. It’s amazing. There’s nothing warmer than meeting like-minded people, it makes me feel like there may be a home for me on this rock we call Earth after all.

Little family trips to the library. RPG game nights. Comic con and cosplay. Anime binging. I live for it all. That’s my idea of life. A good life. The simple things. Living our truth and loving it. I’d love to share that with someone. I can’t wait. I’m itching for it.

It’s about time I wrote that list of what I want in a husband.

Let’s go!

Personal traits

Interests

I have resolved to stop feeling so worried and accept that it’s ok to get things wrong sometimes. I can’t always be perfect. I haven’t felt anxiety since accepting this. If anything, I’m excited. I have faith in myself and the universe. We’ve got this! Sometimes I do get a niggling feeling that I’m going to fuck up somehow, but I’ll keep ignoring it and continue to live in the present.

* * *

We met up. 

I don’t know if I’ll be able to not have sex with him. We need to stop being in each others homes. When we kiss, It’s like a fire consuming my body. I end up breathless and have to exhale slowly as not to give my arousal away. Hey, well at least the sexual chemistry is there.

I’m still wary of him. He kisses me too much. That’s not a bad thing, but kissing him is dangerous, as I’ve told him, because one thing will inevitably lead to another. This is a test of will. I’ve said no sex and so no sex I’ll have!

I just need us to take it slow. Like really slow. I don’t know how ready I am to commit to another person with my whole heart especially if my heart itself isn’t whole. I feel like I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m scared that things have reached their peak already and will now plateau. 

What am I thinking? Because I’m definitely thinking, and it’s leaving me a little deflated.

I felt like I couldn’t be natural today. It was easy when potentially dating wasn’t an expectation. Now I’m policing my thoughts and actions. It’s easy to be free when friendship is the only prospect of a relationship.

Plus I lost the book that he gave me. Annoying.

I give up.

I’m doing it again. I’m liking him. Should I stop myself from feeling anything?

Or rather, do I actually like him or am I deluding myself into thinking I do? It’s not every guy I meet that I like, i.e. the Italian but from what I’ve seen so far, there’s potential there. He’s what I’ve asked for and yet I’m not sure because what if I’m projecting my hopes and expectations onto him?

This is why I get anxious. Instead of just taking things for what they are, I question it. I question myself. I just want to be. I just want to accept it, but I can’t because I’ll somehow be wrong.

Forgetting all feelings for now and thinking pragmatically. From what I’ve seen so far, what do I like about him and why do I feel that there’s potential?

1. He shares an interest in the things that I’m passionate about. His love for books alone is enough for me to want to isolate myself in an empty room with him all day. There are so many things we can talk about. So many ideas we can explore. And plenty to laugh about too.
2. He’s an academic and a very intellectual being. He leads with intelligence as opposed to superficial and shallow things.
3. He listens to me when I speak and tries to understand me when he can. I feel like I can be open with him without feeling judged. This means a lot to me, especially when in a state of anxiety – he puts me at ease.
4. He’s honest and he shares personal things. His explicitness is a nice balance to my implicitness. He takes the lead and makes decisions for us but is also happy to go along with the things that I want.
5. He likes me for me. Imperfections and all. My spotty face. My flabby belly. My apprehension towards dating. He loves my style and doesn’t care that I’m not so girly. He doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with me. In fact, it’s my naivety and vulnerability that he finds most endearing.
6. He knows what he wants and he works hard for it.
7. Great music taste.
8. I consider him someone I could be friends if we weren’t potentially romantically involved.

I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself again. I’m going to take Ashton’s advice and just live in the now. I’ll stop worrying about all the ways I could mess things up and let whatever feelings I feel just be.

* * *

Clearly all of the above are things that I’ve observed thus far but by no means does this mean that that’s who he is all the time, he could well be the devil in disguise, but as far as I know, I have no reason to not trust him but I’m still exercising some caution.

I’m seeing him tomorrow. I’m going to let him know that I will get to know him but I have my boundaries and he has to respect them. I’ll keep forming ice queen while in the meantime my frozen heart thaws.

* * *

Hey, am I physically attracted to him? I think so. Anyway, no more thinking. Just being. Time for the gym.

Boundaries.

I spoke to both Junior and Sana about my dilemma today. Junior said I should give him a chance but keep strict boundaries. Sana said I should date around but keep boundaries.

Therefore, I’m here to set the boundaries and rules for myself. I’m not making mistakes already made in the past.

So here goes:

• We should see each other only once a week on a set day when we’re both available. Spontenaeity is allowed, but not too often.
• No sexual contact. Minimal kissing.
• Don’t invest too much emotion into the relationships.
• Live in the moment. Don’t overthink or let anxiety take over.
• Keep the status of the relationship clear always.
• Be honest about feelings and don’t be afraid to say no.
• Keep a check on my emotional health. Understand that how I’m feeling is not always a result of me but sometimes how the other person is making me feel.
• Be cautious.
• Take it slow.
• Don’t share too much.

The guy whom I’m still yet to name has made me feel safe enough and reassured me to a point where I don’t feel as anxious at the prospect of dating. He’s shown me a good time where everything was easy and he’s kept his boundaries, except for kissing me all the time. I’ll give getting to know him a chance, but I won’t be exclusive with him and I’ll let him know that.

* * *

I changed my conch piercing from a curved barbell to a straight one and the bump that’s been troubling me since I got it has gone down! My piercings don’t like curves. It’s annoying!

I also had my second meetup today! It was a book club and my co-host took the lead. It was nice. It’s just so good to bring people together over something we all love.

The guy whom I am seeing loves books. He’s actually reading one of my books so at least once he finishes it we can discuss it.

I love how chilled I am when talking about him. I’m still yet to form an opinion on him. I’m not getting ahead of myself like I did with Igor. I want to get to know him. I’m pretty open and honest and comfortable with being vulnerable, but I should still be on guard whilst getting to know him. I don’t want him to take advantage of my inability to be mean, so maybe I would need to clad my heart in iron and allow for the steady erosion of love to coax it out.

Let’s see.

But first, he needs a name:

Telis

Welcome to my life Telis, I hope your chapter plays out wonderfully.

I said I’d think about it, so I’m thinking about it.

He wants me to give him a chance. He wants me despite how anxious and unwilling I am feeling about everything.

We spent the day together. It was nice. At one point I felt myself liking him and my heart started racing and anxiety started fully setting in. I don’t want to do this.

I’m thinking about it. Of course I want love. But I remember how enamoured I was with Igor and yet I got it so, so wrong. I’m going to get it wrong again. I don’t want a boyfriend, I want him to leave me alone. I don’t want to be reminded of how shitty I am at being happy in relationships. I don’t want to be taken on another emotional rollercoaster. I just want to refrain from any emotional stress.

That aside, how do I feel about him?

I won’t lie. I do like him. And that’s where the fear comes from. I could be liking the wrong guy. But I like that we can hold deep conversations. Ones that flow naturally. I get major vaginal butterflies when he touches or kisses me – I know there will be passion there. He’s open and honest, like me, in fact, he’s apparently an ENFP like me (according to the personality test). And I consider him someone I’d be friends with. He’s very, very intelligent, which is always attractive. We have similar, in fact, not similar, the same interests, especially with books, which is beautiful to me.

I have an urge to be with him right now. I like his company. He’s nice. Let’s give him a name.

No let’s not cement him in my life just yet. He shall remain nameless.

I feel like I want to trust him. But I know I’ll be such a fool if I do and he turns out to be a dick. I am so reluctant.

I don’t want to keep thinking about it because I will overthink it. I don’t want to ask for opinions and be swayed by ones that aren’t mine. I want to come to this decision on my own.

He bought me a book.

He’s kind but I will not be swayed by that.

So despite how I feel, I don’t think I can do it.

Journal. I’m scared.

I woke up three hours after going to bed with my heart pounding. I felt sick to my stomach, it just hasn’t settled since my whole throwing up escapade.

I never knew how involving myself with guys would affect me so adversely. I never knew my anxiety would get triggered so bad. I’m so scared. I felt like I was on the edge of a panic attack when I woke up. I just can’t fathom the prospect of me in a relationship. I’m cautious. I’m not allowing myself to form an opinion on him in case I get it wrong and he too ends up all wrong for me.

I want to indulge in the romanticism of it. I want to take yesterday and view it through rose-tinted glasses, but I’m scared. My poor little heart. This is why I want to avoid relationships. The anxiety gets too much and I don’t want to deal with it. Especially when it pertains to me not trusting myself with feelings and decisions. I don’t want to be afraid of my own self.

All I want to do right now is cry and throw up some more. See what relationships do to me? I can’t do it. I don’t have the emotional energy to go through all of that constantly. This is one date and I’m already not sleeping, my heart races and I feel sick.

Fuck this.

* * *

I said I was going to write about yesterday’s antics but I can’t be bothered. I’m not emotionally ready for anything with anyone, so tomorrow, if we meet, I’ll be rejecting him. I’ll be honest. I can’t be so terrified and so mentally affected by dating that it leaves me sleepless and sick to my stomach. I truly am not ready.

* * *

Is this how I’m always going to feel when any guy comes into my life? This is terrible. I’m in two minds about extending my singleness from a year to forever. I hate feeling anxious. My emotions just haven’t been at rest for the past year. A whole year of anxiety. Now I need a year of rest. I’ve had enough. Really, enough is enough.

I can’t believe how my social anxiety has gone from basically non-existent to borderline debilitating. I just worry so much. And it all started from before Jomi and I broke up. I was in such a bad way and never in my life had I ever found myself in such dark places for an extended amount of time as that. I hate this. I’m not at peace with myself. I’m losing confidence in my own grip on reality. I’m doubting myself and questioning my decisions. It’s horrible. I want an out.

I think I really just need to find me again. My lack of confidence has eroded my sense of self. How do I fix this?

Anyway, today was a good day. I went to a foot specialist in CapitalCity to have my toenails looked at. Apparently my nail bed on my big toes have suffered some trauma so the nail grows away from the bed and causes some discolouration. Also my toenails are dry so the doctor gave me some moisturising varnish. But basically there’s nothing wrong with my toes.

After that I met up with Junior. It was so nice to see him. We talk all the time on the phone but rarely see each other so it was good to have a face to face conversation with my bro. Then I made an impromptu decision to visit my grandma because I was in the area. Unknown to me, my dad was also at her place, so I met him there and then we left for home together. Then I met up with another friend for dinner before making my way back to Deraland, where I am now on the train contemplating my life.

* * *

My friend whom I had dinner with said I should write a list of qualities I want my future husband to have. I think I shall do that. But not now. I’m sleepy. But I do know what I’m going to say to the guy from yesterday. I’ll tell him that I’m not emotionally ready to invest myself in someone right now. I need to work on myself and emotionally, I’m not where I want to be. I don’t know if I should divulge how anxious I’ve been. I probably won’t.

And if I’m honest, this is the right thing to do. It’s not every guy that I meet that I need to give a chance. Yes, we got along, the conversation was easy, in fact we had way too much in common, but I’m just not feeling it. Whether it’s him or it’s me, something’s missing from me emotionally and so I’m not going to further risk my emotions to find out.

I guess having spent an evening with him will allow me to see that my kind of people do exist and I needn’t fear that I’ll never meet someone on my level.

In other news, I keep having this recurring daydream/fantasy that Cymric shows up to Deraland unannounced to surprise me. If only…