I want to pose a theory, and hear me out. So many things have been coming up that I’m trying to understand.
Listen. What if all those guys whom I experienced something with were brought into my life to show me something. To teach me what it was that I needed so that when it came my way, I’d be able to recognise it.
Dating Jomi and Igor was like dating two extremes. Jomi and I had this beautiful friendship, it was everything. I’ll never discount that experience because it’s something I shared with someone special and I’d love to have that again with another person. At the same time, our sexual connectivity was lacking and hence I wasn’t fulfilled. Then I met Igor and we had amazing sex and I finally thought I’d found something real. But that friendship wasn’t there, we had nothing in common and it drove me to sadness. It was clear I’d never be at ease with myself in an incomplete relationship. Yet, I’d only been able to experience two separate parts of love until Cymric. Cymric brought it all together. That weekend that I was with him opened my eyes to what I could have, it showed me what I wanted and even though it killed me that I had to leave behind the one thing that I’d always wanted, I had to understand that it wasn’t for me.
Then there are the guys that had very little impact in my life, other than to act as beacons of recognition in the future. The guy whom I met at that young professionals meetup that worked at Company T didn’t teach me anything during our days of dating. Neither did my one night of romance with that wonderful stranger, where we laid in a basket swing looking up at the stars in a children’s playground. But I didn’t forget them.
Then I met Telis.
At this point, I knew what I wanted from love. I wanted what I shared with Cymric. I wanted Cymric. But he was never mine and was never meant to be mine. But Telis, he isn’t Cymric. Cymric was my benchmark for ‘real’. He was my benchmark for what it meant for me to feel accepted. And Telis met and exceeded that benchmark because where Cymric came at me with bluntness and arrogance of opinions (which I didn’t mind), Telis approached with thoughtfulness, compassion and care. From then on the friendship was only natural. He put me at ease. My insecurities were handled with care, something that Igor could never do, but Jomi did effortlessly. And then we kissed and he evoked in me something more magical than anything I’d shared with Igor.
But these are all emotional, I could experience that with anyone. Where the little symbolisms started to come into play is where I started to suspect that something strange was going on.
I’ve only ever been involved with two guys that I’ve met at the young professionals meetup and they both happened to work at Company T. Ok, not a big deal, it happens, it’s a big company. That’s fair. But then, within the space of a single sentence, Teils recommended me to read two books that Cymric had also recommended me. Two separate books by two separate authors. But fine, they’re probably quite similar people who read similar types of books, probably just a coincidence. Then he takes me to a children’s playground where we lay inside a basket swing looking up at the stars, something that’s already happened to me. And now the universe is playing games.
But all these coincidences are hard to ignore and to add the cherry on top of all of this, he buys me The Alchemist to read – a book about seeing the signs that the universe gives you. And it’s like, ok universe, I get it!
And yet, for some reason, I’m reading The Alchemist and I’m reminded of 1001 Nights, the book that Cymric bought me. And it’s like life is saying, ‘you wanted Cymric, but he was never yours to begin with. But look, Telis is like Cymric, he imbues the things you appreciated about Cymric, he reads the books that Cymric reads, he even bought you a book that reminded you of the one Cymric bought you. He’s not Cymric, you can’t have Cymric, but here is someone more suited to you. I only gave you Cymric to show you that you could experience something complete so as to help you recognise it when it came along for real. Cymric was only a lesson and I know all you want is something like what you shared with Cymric and you’d probably only accept the things that aligned to that so I’ll show you this guy and you’ll see how similar he is to Cymric and maybe you’ll understand that although he’s not Cymric he is everything you want and probably need.’
Deep shit, eh?
And then as I’m laying in my bed, waiting for my alarm to ring, despite already being awake, my mind is wondering about all of the above. About how people are brought into your life to teach or show you something. And then I wake up and I have a message from Barney; a link to a webpage on how we don’t meet people by accident. That everything happens for a reason. Nothing is coincidence. And now I’m convinced that the universe really is trying to tell me something.
I’m not saying Telis is my person. I don’t feel much for him at the moment. As far as I’m concerned, I want to be single and a relationship is an inconvenience. But I will give him a chance and we’ll see what happens. All I can do is read the signs. I won’t get ahead of myself and think that I’ve found the love of my life. He could just be another lesson. I’ll enjoy the experience as I already am doing and take it a day at a time.
* * *
I don’t know what signs and symbols the universe has shown him to make him so sure that he wants to date me. But I do know how my hand was steered to start this whole chain reaction.
We first met back in October 2017 at the young professionals meetup. As I was leaving, a group of three other people were leaving too and I tagged along with them. Telis was among them but him and I never really spoke. We all went to KFC, messed around and then went our separate way for the night. None of them left much of an impression on me and I never hung out with them again. Two of them became Facebook friends with me, but not Telis. And that was that.
Then I went to another meetup in April where I bumped into Telis and spoke briefly with him. I reminded him of the night in KFC we hung out together because I’m sure he’d forgotten who I was. The conversation was mostly dead and so I made an excuse to leave.
He then added me as a friend on Facebook and invited me to his housewarming party. However, I couldn’t make it because I had plans with my family that weekend. So I went on the event page to let him know I wouldn’t be making it.
As I was trying to write the message, one of those fancy, coloured text boxes kept popping up and I didn’t want to write my message in a fancy coloured text box, I just wanted to write a normal message in black on white. I attempted the message a few times, each time getting the text box.
I told myself, ‘fuck this, I’ll just send him a private message.’ So, I did and through nothing but sheer kindness, I wrote, ‘let’s do something sometime.’ It wasn’t premeditated. It was just my way of being polite. I had no intention of ever doing ‘something sometime’ with him. But he replied with, ‘yes let’s do something when you can,’ and I could have just replied with, ‘sure!’ and left it at that, but instead I said, ‘let me know when you’re free and we can arrange something.’ Again, just being polite.
But four days passed and he hadn’t responded, which was good because I didn’t really want to go out with someone I wasn’t actually interested in. But on day five, he replied asking me if I wanted to ‘go grab a drink on Friday after work’. I said, ‘Yeah sure, let’s do that.’ And the rest is history.
Facebook’s stupid text boxes started this. If they didn’t keep popping up, I wouldn’t have had to message him privately and he wouldn’t have asked me out.
I was manipulated by fate.
* * *
Today has been a good day. I cleaned the house with my housemate Cott then did a little research into synchronicity and quantum entanglement. Then went to salsa and now I’m having a little break before going to the gym.
At salsa, I was so tempted by all the potential male peoples. Technically I’m very single so a girl can look but it wasn’t that I was fancying them, I was thinking about what would happen if I ended up with one of those guys instead of Telis. What if the universe is wrong? What would happen if I went against it? Perhaps Telis is a short term thing? Maybe he’ll be my biggest calamity yet? Who knows…
I don’t know if I want a relationship. I’m not really feeling Telis. I like him, but, I don’t know. I feel like there should be more. Like I should know in my gut that he’s my guy. Sometimes people just know but I don’t feel that way about him. Even the first two times I met him at the meetups he didn’t really stand out to me. Anyway, I said I’d give him a chance. I don’t want to question everything. And don’t forget, I felt everything for Igor, in fact, I was so sure he was my forever, and yet he turned out to be extremely wrong for me. So maybe I need to just stop wanting things to happen in ways that they have before and expecting a different result. A slow burner could be the change I need.
I really do question everything. Man…
I’m going to do things differently to how I’ve done in the past. No more rushing. I’m going to keep seeing Telis once a week. Twice on some occasions. If we ever get to the point where we’re exclusive we can incorporate sleepovers but even then it won’t be too often.
Sex won’t even be a thing. Sex? What’s that?
Exactly.
We’ll continue to do couple things, maybe eventually seeing each other more frequently up until we fall in love. Then SEX! It probably won’t happen like that, but it’ll be nice if we could wait until we see a long term future with each other.
Then from then on life can do whatever the hell it wants with us. Either we live happily ever after or he breaks my heart in ways a heart has never been broken before.
But for now, I’ll keep my boundaries.
* * *
I’m absolutely exhausted from my little gym sesh. I don’t even have the energy to shower. Ew.
Anyway Journal, I just wanted to say that I am happy. This is the least lonely I’ve felt in a long time. Ever since I decided to confront my otherness and accept it, I’ve felt free. I’ve stopped putting myself in group situations where I know I’d feel uncomfortable and different. Also acknowledging my abandonment issues has made it easier for me to let people go, or rather, to accept that people leave all the time. My little fallout with Tank should have driven me to a point of hysteria. Losing Cymric should have had me questioning what I did wrong, to inevitably have me spiral into an endless darkness. But I let both situations go and I was happier for it.
Growth.