Category: Journal

Do you ever feel so directionless that you completely lose motivation to do anything? I have no drive. No passion. I feel like I’m just existing. I need to pull back the curtains and let it all come flooding back in. I need to take that first step. I’m better than this. I need to stop getting stuck in this rut. This ebb and flow of drive. I want each day to be packed with activity. The gym has to be the first step. I need to reorganise my life.

I think a change of routine messes things up for me. Leaving Igor and not knowing how to spend my unoccupied days probably left me feeling lazy. Not having that structure throws me off the balance I always create for myself. So I know what I need to do. I’m going to schedule each day so I know what I’m doing and when. Here goes nothing.

* * *

The ball is rolling. I’ve replied to backlogged YouTube comments, written a blog post and contacted people who will be useful to my cause. Baby steps. Although I do want to cook when I get home, maybe I’ll do something craft related too.

My mind is clear. I’ve stopped thinking about Cymric because that’s how over it I am. I’ll eventually reach a point of equilibrium. Staying single as Tank suggested may be what I need for the foreseeable future. I’m going to work hard at rejecting any guy that comes my way, starting with the Italian.

* * *

I’ve also just joined the gym!

When with someone you’re utterly comfortable with, I like to call it finding home.

Home.

Home is a place of permanent residence, a place you always find your way back to. Home is belonging. And feeling safe. It is comfort and warmth. The one place that’ll always welcome you in. Where you know you don’t have to hide who you are. Home has everything. Your most cherished possessions. Your trust. Your love.

Home is where you can relax after a long day. Where you can strip back and just be. Where you can be your most vulnerable. Home doesn’t judge. Home will always have its doors open, waiting for you to walk through. You’ll nourish your body, expand your mind, share your secrets within its walls. Home will never turn you away because you belong to it as much as it belongs to you.

Memories are made. Laughter is shared. Tears are shed. It can weather any downpour and remain standing on the stormiest of nights. Having that protection. Confidence. Home is familiarity. You know its every crook and its every cranny. Which floorboards creak the loudest. How to navigate its halls when the lights are off. It’s an instinct. You don’t need to try hard. You just find yourself gravitating towards its presence and before you know it, you’ve found your way home.

Homes can change. But that doesn’t matter. Because with time, you’ll once again feel that security. You’ll be able to put your trust in its foundations. You won’t feel any doubt. You’ll just know. Every fibre of your being will be at ease. You’ll want to work hard to keep it protected. A light bulb may go off now and again, but it wouldn’t take you anything to want to fix it. You’ll want to because it’s everything to you. The thing that keeps you alive. The very essence of your being.

Because home really is where the heart is.

* * * 

I’ve never been rejected before so I’m not entirely sure how to feel or even deal with this. Especially since I tend to get the guys I want. I’m usually the one doing the rejecting.

It’s sort of a bitter sweet situation since rejection sucks but at the same time I’m sort of pleased that I’m able to see myself with someone who isn’t my ex. I’m not going to lie. I still feel a little bit wounded. Like it actually hurts. I just keep thinking back to that moment where I was sat in his bed watching my shitty TV shows while he was on his laptop doing his thing and we were just comfortable in each other’s presence to do our own thing. Or when he decided to lie down to watch my shitty TV shows with me. I just imagined that being every day for me. And it felt really good.

It almost did feel like home. Even though it was but for a few days, it was home in its own way.

* * *

Tank reckons I should stay single for a whole year. And maybe I will. And it wouldn’t even be because I chose to. It would be due to the fact that I’m incompatible with life and there’s actually no one for me. But I’ve accepted my reality.

I’ll move on with my homeless life now…

* * *

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever see Cymric the same way again. Not because he gave me the best foreplay of my life but because…

Actually I shouldn’t be offended. Because I was using him as much as he was using me. But it’s not that. It’s just the rejection. I just want to hide under the earth. I shouldn’t have asked whether he thought we’d be together if distance wasn’t a barrier.

But let’s go back to the night that changed everything. That fateful sexual encounter. Journal, I can’t even tell you how amazing it was. That’s why I can never see him the same way. I’ll always look at him and think of the amazing sex we could potentially (definitely) have. When something is just too good, you really can’t come back from it. I half wish that I’d gone all the way with him. Just to have a taste of him deep inside me.

Journal! How can I be craving sex from someone who’s supposed to be my friend! How Journal, how?! I want him. So bad. I want him as a lover, romantically and sexually. It’s the first time I’ve had a sample of what it could be like to be in a relationship with someone where the friendship is there but also that fire. That passion! Jomi ticked the friendship box. Igor ticked the sexual chemistry box. Cymric ticked both. And that’s why the rejection hurts so much. I got a taste of what a proper relationship could actually be like. Something that has eluded me all these years and it’s driving me crazy that it’ll forever be out of my reach.

But wow! What that sex could have been! I’ve been thinking about it all day. Foreplay has never been something worth doing. But wow! I can’t fucking deal. Just all the, “fuck, you’re so wet”, “you make me so hard”, “you’re so tight”, “I want you inside me”, “I want you to have your way with me”. My good God my clit is throbbing right now. The intensity was too much. And all the while, I was on high alert because I knew we couldn’t have sex. If I had let go completely, I may have melted away.

I need that fire in my life. God knows I deserve it. Please God, pleeeeeease!

I understand that it takes two to tango. I willingly opened myself to him. But that’s not what I care about. I’ve opened myself up to guys in the past without feeling a type of way about it.

I just wanted to mean more to him. That’s all. We were having a good time, getting along, having fun. I wanted it to mean something for both of us. Not love. But mutual respect and care. I knew exactly what I was doing when I was walking around in my underwear, giving him lap dances and laying in his arms. Of course I knew nothing non-sexual would come of it. But asking him whether if circumstances were different we would be together and him saying no just made me feel like if we’d had sex it would have meant nothing. Maybe that’s just me being naive. It’s fine anyway.

He’s just been sending mixed signals throughout the whole weekend. Him dragging me into his arms while I’m fast asleep. Him holding me, stroking and caressing me, kissing my neck. Maybe he just wanted a fuck after all and it was all a ploy.

I’m not sure how I feel. Maybe disappointed. I know that he’s in a different country to me and maybe he doesn’t want to give me false hope. I don’t know. But some things just aren’t logical. You want them regardless. Distance is a barrier but it’s something worth overlooking for someone you feel is worth it. Maybe all of this was wishful thinking. I’m glad we didn’t have sex. I would have felt worse.

That aside, the moment itself was crazy. We went from kissing to him ripping my clothes off my body. Taking my nipple into his mouth with his fingers inside of me. His hands around my throat, his teeth at my neck. My arms pinned behind my back, my juices overflowing. It was fire.

As in, I was fucking dripping. I was so wet it was ridiculous. Many a time he wanted to put his penis inside me but I stopped him on each occasion. I know how he wanted to wait until marriage and I know how I wanted to wait for the right person. It would have been something we both regretted if it had gone further.

Ok my whole trip wasn’t centred around this whole night. It was great. We had fun. We walked around the city. Sat and chatted for hours. Ate some traditional dishes.

We danced, we wrestled, we messed around. I liked just being around him. It didn’t feel hard or contrived. I could see myself actually being with him. Do you know how tiring it can get spending your time with one person day in day out? But I didn’t feel suffocated by his presence. He made me feel welcome and wanted. It was like finding home.

I’m a bit down at the moment. Maybe it’s the feeling of rejection or maybe it’s the sadness that comes with goodbyes. Who knows? I’ll need to cheer up soon though. Life must go on.

Ok back to our rough and tumble bedroom activity. Like, I remember when getting wet was impossible. My vagina continues to surprise me. Like I got really wet for Igor, but what I was producing last night was something else. It was like someone turned the tap on and couldn’t shut it off. Like I wanted him. I wanted him to have his way with me. To devour me, be consumed by his fire. I was ready to take him in. Make a home for him inside my body and inside my heart. Imagine what actual sex would have been like. All that foreplay stuff was just the tip of the iceberg. What if he took me to a place where I’d never been before? A place I’d never come back from? Fuck me. Anyway I’m glad we stopped. It’s not worth it for just a few moments worth of pleasure.

I was trying to explain to him that I wanted to be with him, but using analogies. It just feels like all of this is bad timing. We’re both in different physical places. Plus he doesn’t want me, so meh.

Does what happened change how I see him? Maybe. Maybe not. Only time can tell.

* * *

I just feel like this was a case of 1) unattainable love, 2) unrequited love and 3) story of my life. Now to drown my sorrow in some alcohol. I do miss him already. But why is a male and female sharing the same bed always a bad idea? Oh well, I’d do it again *shrugs* (but next time, with zero feelings involved).

Anyway I got back to Deraland in one piece. I feel better than I did this afternoon. I guess I was still reeling from the rejection I faced, but life goes on. Now I’m back to reality.

I really don’t see myself meeting the man of my dreams. This was the first time I’d experienced having something that was so close, yet far away at the same time. Someone whom I cared about and cherished, someone who I could spend a whole day locked in a cardboard box with and not get bored. Someone who I could have fun with and laugh with and fight with. Someone who could turn me on with the stroke of their finger. And all the while still out of my reach.

It’s the first time I’ve had hope. That maybe there was someone suited to me. But now, I’m not so sure. I just feel that with any guy I feel remotely anything for, it just won’t work out for me. I really don’t know how I’m going to meet that person who will make my whole life make sense. I know I haven’t tried hard enough for long enough, but I give up. I can’t be bothered. It’s tiring, this whole feeling of incompatibility. Maybe conformity is the way to go? Who knows? Who cares. It doesn’t even matter anymore.

Today!

I’m currently at work. I’m going to do a half day then make my way over to the airport! I’m so excited to see Cymric. I’ll probably hug him so tight and never let go when I see him!

Igor and I ended up in the same lift this morning at work. I said hi, but that shit was awkward AF. Haha! It’s fine. There’s no bad blood between us but I don’t think we can ever be friends.

I’ve taken on a co-organizer for my meetup. She already runs a book club but was thinking of merging her tiny group with mine. I felt it was a good idea as she already knows how to run book clubs and that can be something that she can solely focus on. It’ll take less off my plate, which is good. Delegation and whatnot.

So far, I have 39 people in my meetup group and 18 RSVD’d to the first event. I’m really proud of myself. I’ve even started thinking about the venue; I’ve made an enquiry and everything so all I can hope for now is that it turns out to be a massive success.

Can’t remember if I mentioned going out with the Italian yesterday. Well I did. I was so subdued. I was sleepy and my mind wasn’t really with it. He was kind like usual. But when he ordered me food, I let him know that I didn’t really like some things on the menu and only wanted the beef dish, but he proceeded to order me the beef plus the things I said I didn’t like and I ended up not eating most of it. What I waste. There was also an option between rice and some pancakey thing and he didn’t ask me what I wanted and ordered me the pancakey thing even though I’d wanted rice. He did get me a gift however. It was small but thoughtful. In one of my YouTube videos, I’d said that if I had to choose somewhere to live it would be Jupiter. So my guy decided to buy a whole solar system set and gifted me with the Jupiter.

The gesture was sweet. I’m sure some other lady would cherish it more.

Anyway, today is a good day. The sun is out and I’m happy. I can actually say that. That I’m happy. I don’t think bad or incompatible relationships suit me. Especially when I’m forced to feel misunderstood all the time. Being subjected to constant marginalisation really doesn’t bode well for my mental health. But I’m happy. I’m comfortable with where I am and at peace with everything. My mind is calm and I rarely overthink, let alone think. So it’s great.

Yesterday I realised, or rather, felt, that I was incompatible with the rest of the world. It takes a special kind of person to be with me, I think, and those sort of people are rare. Especially if I want to feel accepted and understood within my relationship. I don’t know if I’d come across anyone like that any time soon. I’d have to travel the Seven Seas to even meet someone who comes close enough.

But it’s ok. Life has a funny way of working out. I’m not worried. Let’s just see what happens.

Cymricland tomorrow! Exciting stuff!

Also Tank agreed on going out for a facial together. Something that Igor refused to do even though it was to be in the privacy of his own room – so I had to do it alone. Guys are different from guys. You can’t paint them all with the same brush. Some just aren’t worth shit though.

I’m very grateful to have Tank in my life. He probably doesn’t understand how much it means to me to have a friend in my life. I have never been good with group dynamics and have often felt like I’m on the outside with nowhere to really call my own. But I actually feel grounded again. That there’s at least one person in this world who understands me and accepts me for who I am. It’s a nice feeling.

I’m going out with the Italian today. Since I rejected his swim and dine idea, I guess we have to figure out what to do. But the weather is so nice today, I’d be happy to just sit in a park and chat. I do need to find a time to tell him I’m not interested in him. Every guy I meet wants me, except for that guy behind the bar from the comedy show who I basically fell in like with. He doesn’t want me… But I bet he secretly does.

My head feels a lot less cluttered than yesterday. I could see where my thoughts were heading and I wasn’t ready to emotionally spiral. I had to say, ‘anxiety! Be gone!’ and after some meditative mindfulness, I gained the clarity I needed. My thoughts stopped in their tracks and I could think straight.

* * *

All I want to do is hear his voice. Just to remember. They say the voice is the first thing you forget about someone. I don’t want to forget his voice.

Maybe I should call him?

I can’t.

I shouldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts because they always somehow end up on him. Anyway, I met up with the Italian. I told him that I just want to be single in my adult life that a relationship isn’t something I want right now. Ok forget him for a second. I’m justing thinking… Will anyone ever care for me the way Jomi did? He partook in my nonsense and had fun with it. Will anyone ever involve themselves in my spontaneity and hyperactivity? Will they be so willing to indulge me in my childish behaviours? Will anyone do that for me? I’m not so sure. How do I find someone like that?

I was just looking through old videos of me and my ex trying to find something with his voice in it. And when I heard it, it made my heart do funny things. I know the friendship we shared was special, but it wasn’t enough to sustain us in the long run. But I wouldn’t mind having that again.

Do you think I’ll ever meet someone like that? I wish so. The fact that all the people I meet don’t even show a snippet of tolerability makes me wonder if I’ll ever meet someone who’ll take me as I am and run with it wholeheartedly. I just need someone to return the weirdness. I can’t be the only weird person in the relationship. So how do I find this person? Maybe Jomi is that person?

What if I end up in a boring relationship where I feel stifled? I’m not sad and I’m not crying. I’m just wondering, that’s all…

No matter how ecstatic I am about mine and Tank’s friendship, it’ll never meet up to what Jomi and I were. But it’s something. More than I’ve gotten in a long time. So I’ll take it.

I want to google if I’ll ever meet a person as weird as me. It’s what I need to maintain my crazy version of sanity.

* * *

I’m incompatible with everyone!

No.

I’ve been feeling a bit blue. I don’t know why and I don’t want to verbalise my inkling. So let’s leave it at that and move onto better things.

Nooo I don’t want to say it. If I do I’ll cry! Ok fine. I…

No I can’t bring it to life. In fact I’ve decided that that isn’t the reason. I need to find the real reason for my melancholy.

I need to take time out to meditate tonight. I’m not in the best of moods and I know things can escalate if I allow them to.

Ok! Let’s just say maybe it’s time for me to start spending less time with Tank. Fuck. Can’t be developing feelings.

We spend a lot of time together. But as friends! Lack of feelings should stay that way!

Boo fucking hoo.

Save me from myself.

Anyway, the Italian told me what he had planned. In fact I just can’t be bothered to even think about any guy right now. I want to sleep.

* * *

I’m seeing Cymric soon. Just spoke with him for a while.

Omg! No more guys please! I can’t. I’m going to start overthinking shit!

I need to take time out to meditate tonight. I’m not in the best of moods and I know things can escalate if I allow them to.

* * *

I just did a bit of mindfulness meditation. I’ve gotten rid of my thoughts now, thank God and I feel I have a little bit more clarity.

So here goes. I don’t think I’m getting upset that I may be catching feelings for Tank – although they are unwarranted and a little bit frustrating, it’s not the first time I’ve possibly liked a guy. I need to be real here. There’s nothing to fear about liking someone, in fact it should be a good thing, it’s shows me that I can feel that way about someone again.

But the problem is that that is the problem; the fact I can feel that way about someone again. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my subconscious psyche, or maybe I’m just interpreting this all wrong but I feel like it’s almost a betrayal to the love I shared with Jomi.

He’s my one and only love. The only person I wanted to share my heart with. If I give it to someone else, then what? I’m going back on my dreams and promises. And that hurts a bit. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I just don’t want to catch feelings for Tank because he’s unobtainable. He wouldn’t want me and no one wants to be rejected.

I was never this close to Igor. I never felt so vulnerable with him to the point that I felt that betrayal to my ex. I don’t think I was ever so open to him and maybe that’s why I didn’t have that fear. Tank is the first person in a long time who I’ve felt connected to on a level deeper than just civility. Maybe I just don’t know how to deal with these feelings outside of a romantic relationship with the supposed love of my life. Because these feelings don’t belong between Tank and I.

I want to listen to my heart. Listen to my inner being and really figure out whether these feelings are even really there at all. I don’t think they’re romantic feelings. They’re more akin to the platonic relationship that I shared with Jomi. And there are very few people who I have shared such a relationship with.

Now I need to cry because I have to say goodbye to the one thing that really bonded me to Jomi. Our friendship.

* * *

It was the friendship all along. It’s not a crush, or anything romantic – it’s the friendship. It’s easy to mistaken friendship for romantic love because I was in a relationship with someone who was only my best friend for a very long time. But I don’t have sexual thoughts or impulses for Tank. I did for Igor and that’s where all this differs.

I think the sadness comes from having to share myself, my friendship with someone else.

I’m sorry Jomi. You were my best friend. I’ve mourned our friendship for a very long time. I haven’t been able to let it go, and it’s been hurting me as I’ve only ever felt lonely ever since I left you. But for the first time, I don’t feel that way, which means I have to let you go. I love who you were to me. And I love you. But it’s time to move forward.

Phew! Well I got through that. It felt like hell in the moment but now I’m back to feeling absolutely fine. He can once again occupy my thoughts without it reducing me tears, #progress.

I went to church was Sana yesterday, well I was forced. Anyway I prayed for my heart to be healed and for true love to come my way. Losing someone is the worst thing to ever befall any human. It takes a lot to get through a loss and not mess up your life in the process. People turn to consumption, they spiral into depression. Things basically just get out of hand. It takes a lot. You think I don’t want a penis inside me right now? But I’m not about that self-destructive life.

So I briefly spoke to Cymric yesterday and once again I wonder; is he flirting or just being funny? I am not understanding!

Ok, the conversation:

Dera: Video chat later?
Cymric: No
Dera: Ok. Going bachata now anyway. Talk sometime next week.
Cymric: Yes
Dera: You want to use more than one word answers?
Cymric: Yes
Dera: Go ahead
Cymric: Ok, let the seducing begin
Dera: Alright begin
Cymric: I’ll tell you in person 😉

I am not understanding!

* * *

I went to watch ‘A Quiet Place’ with Tank today, as best friends of course. It was a freaky movie. Many a time I found myself grabbing his arm. Needless to say, he didn’t mind. In fact he told me that he put his arm out because he knew I “might need it”. Right. Whatever.

Tank’s my new best friend. How exciting! I have a friend! Yay! He’s a good guy and he’s tolerable enough for me to want to actually spend time with him. And when we hugged goodbye he picked me up, then dropped me and I almost broke my ankle because he’s 6’7″ and that’s a very long drop.

Anyway, the Italian asked me out for Wednesday, he said he had something planned. I just hope it’s not a date because he’s like… old.

I do wonder who my forever person will be. I’m excited to find out. It’s definitely not going to be Cymric, Tank or the Italian. So I don’t think I’ve met him yet. But who knows? Either way I can’t wait. I just want to fall in love. That unconditional, all encompassing love that I once felt and had; I was reminded of it over the weekend, and I want it again. I’d almost forgotten how overwhelmingly beautiful it is to just love someone to the point where you’d move mountains for them.

I love loving. It makes me happy. I love giving. I love being a people-pleaser to the person whom I have chosen to please. I love just going above and beyond, seeing that I’m making someone happy. It’s all me and I want to share me with someone. I’m yet to meet anyone deserving and maybe it’ll be a while until it happens, but when it does, well, I’d have finally found my home.

* * *

Hey! My meetup group has 35 members now! And I have 11 RSVP’d to the welcome event. Let life as an event planner begin!

I loved him. It was hard but I loved him all the same. I would do anything for him. The way my world revolved around him, he was a sure thing.

He meant too much to me. I put my everything into him. Unconditionally. He was my best friend. The love of my life.

Being in this city I’m living that love all over again. And with it my heart breaks like its the first time. The sweet memories bring nothing but bleakness. And I want to cry.

My best friend…

I can’t believe this is what has become of us. We were meant to be forever. And now I have to rebuild from scratch but I don’t have the strength. I can’t support something that will just end in heartbreak.

I’ve moved on. But the memories still hurt. So I guess I really haven’t.

* * *

I know I’m having a huge moment of weakness. I know I don’t really want him but right now all I can understand is the hurt in my heart and nothing makes senses. He’s not for me. But I’m refusing to remember that.

Yes, the urge to reach out to him is strong. So strong. But it’s not what I need or even want. I need to just continue to give this time.

I’m feeling joyful! To be honest, I never thought it possible for me to just meet someone and be so in like with them at first meeting. The last time that properly happened was with Jomi.

I’m actually glad. I never thought I’d be able to feel the same way again. Guess I am human after all. Even if nothing happens with me and this guy at least I know that the feelings will sprout for yet another guy.

Who knew that when I like someone I go quiet and conversation topics flutter right out my head. Love it!

I’m travelling up north to visit Sana at university today. It’s the university we both went to to do our undergraduates but shes back again to do her masters. It’ll be nice visiting the hilly city again and take a trip down memory lane. A lot of them will revolve around mine and Jomi’s relationship but it’s fine. It’ll make for some bittersweet moments.

* * *

Ok, back to this new guy. Right, so the thing is, he hasn’t got perfect teeth and his voice is pretty nasally but I completely saw past his society-based imperfections and fell head over heels in like with him.

I’m worried that I came across unlikable. Fuck this. If he doesn’t like me at my most confident, he doesn’t deserve me at my shyest.

* * *

It begins. The nostalgia. I’m on my way up north and its taking me back to times of love and friendship. I’m literally at the train station holding back the tears. But I can barely see right now because water is filling my eyes anyway.

I knew I was feeling sad but I didn’t know why. But now I know. The past always brings sorrow. Be it the longing of happier times or the heartache of harder days past.

I want love. It doesn’t come down to anything other than that. I want love. Wholeheartedly. I want to put my faith in forever with a single person. To see my future in their eyes, to feel it in the touch of their fingers, the beat of their heart. I want that.

I don’t want to cry in public but I’ve been taken back to a time when my life was filled with unshakable, unmovable love. And I can’t help but crave for something that wasn’t meant to be mine forever. I got a taster but the love, the one that’ll last an eternity, will soon come.

* * * 

The train’s just gone passed his home town. I know it’s just a temporary feeling but this hurts so much! I really can’t hold these tears back. Everything just hurts. I miss my past terribly. I almost want to jump head first into a time machine and go back to a period that I forsook.

When will this stop sucking?

So last night I went out with the Italian guy. It was good up until he found out I was 25 and I found out he was 40. It got a bit awkward after that. I guess I shouldn’t have said he’s closer to my mother’s age than mine. Hahahaha!

Actually, he thought I was a bit older because I had this sophistication about me. The fact that I went out alone and carried myself well made me appear more grown than I actually am. Ha!

He still sent me a text message this morning so all is good but he called me ‘baby’. I wonder if he means it from an age perspective or as a form of endearment. I still do think he’s way too old for me, but we can be friends.

I created a new meetup group yesterday for fantasy and sci-fi lovers. So far the only members are those that I’ve specifically asked to join, but I guess you have to start from somewhere, eh?

Ever since my emotional moment of weakness, I haven’t even thought of Jomi. I guess I felt lonely. Hopefully my meetup group picks up and I’m able to meet people who are into the same thing as me!

I haven’t thought about Cymric either so the reality is, I’m not that into him. Nor do I think of Tank so I’m not into him too. I’m not into anyone! Weird…

* * *

I realised I’m into personality before looks, but when there’s no personality, looks are the only thing to fall back on. Story of my life with Igor… His personality at the beginning really did a lot to ensorcell me, but the more I disliked what he was doing to me, the less attractive he became in my eyes. Until I didn’t find him internally or externally attractive at all!

* * *

I met a guy. I don’t know him but I really like him! He is a bartender working at the bar I went to today.

The story:

A colleague, his girlfriend and I went to watch a stand up comedy show at a bar tonight. I arrived first, a little bit early and sat chatting to a few guys that were around and also to the bartender guy. I told him to join my meetup, which he said he would then he asked me to write down how he would find it. Obviously I got out my best handwriting to jot that shit down.

Anyway I don’t know what switched in me but I was suddenly in love. He is so cute and pretty intelligent from what I’ve seen so far AND FUCKING SINGLE! YOU HEARD BITCHEEZZZZ!! MY GUY IS SINGLE!!

I’m usually better at writing stories in a more coherent fashion but this is all over the place. I’m tired, excited and can’t focus. I have new boy on my mind.

But yes, he is single! My colleague asked on my behalf. Ha!

Imagine if he becomes part of my story! The moment he joins my meetup group I’m messaging him!

Man I fancy him. I couldn’t even focus during my meditation. I need to get this guy!

Target acquired.