Category: Journal

How am I feeling? Good question.

Well my ex fiancé replied. He said there was a lot of truth in my complaints, that he had personality flaws and sometimes he wasn’t man enough.

Despite this, it still doesn’t take any blame away from me.

He too is working on his personal development so I’m very happy for him.

I almost want to slip back into the old routine of talking and sharing everything with him. Even though I do feel a little bit emotional by it, I’ll leave him alone. Let’s leave the past in the past.

* * *

How is it possible to have multiple people on this planet that’s right for you? I already know who’s right for me. I don’t think I want anyone else.

He’s perfect for me in every way. He’s who I want.

A more mature and emotionally open version of him, but him nonetheless. He’s all I want.

* * *

I’m hurting myself by thinking about him. I’ve been in tears. I spoke to Junior about it. He hasn’t reassured me in the slightest. All I can do is cry. Why does it still hurt? Is this the result of actually missing him or am I just noticing the things that left with him because I’m alone again?

One of my biggest gripes is that I don’t really have a person who I can share the menial things with. Someone who makes me laugh and makes each day worth waking up for.

Yesterday, when messaging my friend Tank, was the first time I really laughed at someone’s hilarity. He made me laugh so much with his sarcastic humour and it felt like I had someone I could just be silly with.

Yes, I lost my best friend and that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to get over. What we had wasn’t so much a romantic relationship and I need to keep remembering that. The fact that I think of my ex and only want him for his friendship and not his penis is indication enough that it’s friendship that I’m missing. I don’t think I’ve ever thought, ‘man, I want to make sweet sweet love to this sexy human.’ Ever. Not even during our relationship.

But we had an amazing friendship and I just need that sort of relationship in my life again, be it romantic or platonic.

Being around acquaintances and colleagues and not really having an actual friendship with any of them scares me. I fear that I’ll never make a friend like my ex. Cymric and I had good fun when he was around but still our closeness just wasn’t close enough. Even Tank, who is a great person, he can’t be that person to me. I just don’t feel free enough with them to go all out and show them the full spectrum of my being.

My Igorian boyfriend who was meant (I shouldn’t be forcing my expectations onto him but he sucked!) to be that person for me just wasn’t. He was the complete opposite to what I needed and made me feel even lonelier than ever.

All I want is to be my true self with someone. No restrictions. But I can’t. Because I’m all alone.

Will I ever meet that person?

Anyway! I was asked out for drinks by one of the Italians I met on Saturday. We’ll be meeting up tomorrow. Yay…..! As if I can even be bothered…

* * *

I feel better now. I was seeing things from an emotional perspective and was experiencing major tunnel vision where all I could see was the hurt I was feeling. I interpreted that to mean that I was missing my ex, and although I do miss him, it wasn’t because I want an intimate relationship with him.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic that I’ll meet someone who will fill that best friend position in my life. But I guess it’s just a matter of time.

* * *

I want to give my ex a name at last. Let’s call him Jomi.

I can say that I successfully didn’t reach out to him although I desperately wanted to.

I’m a one friend kind of person. I had a best friend from ages 16 – 18. She was my other half, she was basically my Jomi before Jomi was my Jomi. We were so close, inseparable. We did everything together. But of course, I lost her. That was pretty hard on me too. I never forgot her. I guess it’s the same with Jomi. They both played huge parts in my life at some stage and because I got over her and found Jomi, I’m sure that I can get over Jomi and meet my next person.

I feel much better. I’ve basically had to throw my emotions aside to think through this shit by myself. With the help of my journal of course. Thanks journal!

Now I must meditate before I sleep.

But before I go, I’ve just started listening to the band ‘A Lot Like Birds’ today. I really like their sound! I’ll see if they’re touring. I’d love to see them live.

Dance Gavin Dance has a new album coming out soon! And a new single was released a few days ago! Exciting stuff!!

Things with Igor and I are completely over now. We’re not even friends. We can’t have a conversation without things escalating into a confrontation. I’ve actually given up with trying to be civil. I have nothing more to say to him and I don’t want to be his friend. I got a bit upset when he said I wasn’t the Dera he thought he knew and loved but then I realised his opinion is irrelevant and I don’t need him to like me. So now I’m over it.

I don’t think in the long term we would have worked anyway. He’s concerned about superficial things like looks and social status whereas I really don’t give two shits about how big his biceps are. Anyway I’m not here to shit on him. Let’s just conclude he’s not for me and we don’t get along as people. The end.

In more exciting and worthwhile news, I took salsa and bachata classes yesterday. It was so good. I’m out here making friends which is exactly what I need. Exciting times! I’m a natural at salsa and bachata, moving those sexy hips like I was born to dance.

I spoke to Cymric yesterday and asked him whether he’d ever get into a long distance relationship to which is strongly and abruptly replied, NO. Well, that’s fair enough. Neither would I. Maybe? I’m not sure. In this stage of my life my freedom is very important to me but I still crave the touch of someone I love.

There was major flirting (see appendix). And knowing the type of person Cymric is, he wouldn’t expend flirtatious energy on someone he didn’t see potential in. But maybe that’s just the dynamic of our friendship – key word being friendship. But I think when I see him I can clarify what sort of friendship we actually have. I see potential in us because he understands me and I understand him. I understand his boundaries and I only push as far as he’ll let me.

I remember one instance when we went to a salsa class together, sometime in 2016. He ended up getting annoyed and leaving early because there were more guys than girls in the class and he didn’t have anyone to dance with. He was so angry he wanted to go home. He’s ridiculously stubborn but somehow I managed to calm him and persuaded him to stay out and do something else with me. We eventually went to a bar where we danced the night away and it was fun. Dancing in public was something he never did before he met me but all those times, he did it for me and he enjoyed himself.

Similarly, when I’m emotional and can’t see the bigger picture he will say shit that just makes sense and I’ll take on a new perspective which will consequently calm me down. That’s why the other day when I got emotional and started telling him how I felt like I’d never be happy, even though he shut me down and told me he knew I wanted to talk and be listened to but he was tired and wanted to sleep, I wasn’t offended. He acknowledged that I wanted to be heard, which actually means a lot to me and told me we could discuss it when I came and I believe him when he says that because he will listen me and he will try to care. And that’s nice.

I’m analysing mine and Cymric’s relationship from a logical perspective but emotionally I don’t think I’m there with him, and love is bigger than logic. So although we may work on paper, in the real world he may not be for me. As a friend, he’s been great but I’m not sure I fancy him and I don’t want to force myself to either. We haven’t moved our relationship into romantic territories but if he wants to get to know me in a less than platonic way, I wouldn’t say no. I’d give it a chance.

* * *

I just finished meditating. I gained some clarity as to what is going on in my mind.

Firstly, I’m frustrated. I don’t feel it, but in my head, I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed at Igor and how things escalated. Really and truly, I don’t care whether or not he’s in my life anymore but it’s just annoying when someone cannot understand your point of view and refuses to acknowledge that people experience and deal with things differently.

Anyway I wish him well in his life.

Secondly, I feel like apologising to my ex fiancé for my behaviour. I never took ownership for my emotions and I blamed him a lot for how I felt and I feel very bad about that. He didn’t deserve all that blame and I feel like I need to apologise and let him know he was never completely at fault, I played my part too.

I’m going to write an apology message to him now. I just feel like I need him to know it was never his fault.

* * *

I’ve just sent him the message. How do I feel? Emotional but it was the right thing do.

I’m always going to strive to be the best person I can be. It’s unrealistic to have everyone like me, but I’ll still try to be a good person and know in myself that despite other people’s opinions, I am a good person and no one can change my mind about that.

Being self aware is my focus point as an individual. So here’s to growth and a more mature mindset.

* * *

Nobody wants a broken relationship but really I needed it. If I’d stayed with my ex fiancé, I would never have spotted the similar trains of thoughts that I found myself on when I was with Igor and I would have continued to forever blame my ex. Being with Igor made realise that the common denominator in both relationships was me and my unhappiness was mine and mine alone. I want to do better.

I don’t regret the heartbreak. It was worth it because now I can work on being a happier person, even when my traditional triggers present themselves.

* * *

Appendix

Mine and Cymric’s flirtatious banter

Dera: What hallucinations do you get
Dera: Images of me?
Cymric: Infinitely repeating sequences of you
Imagine how that was for me
Dera: Must have been heaven
Dera: I am the embodiment of an angel
Cymric: Angel? You don’t seem so innocent to me 😉
Dera: I’m literally the most innocent girl you know.
Dera: I can’t wait to dance salsa with you
Dera: Can you move your hips in a seductive way?
Cymric: And bachata
I didn’t know men can be seductive with hip movements…is that a thing for you?
Dera: Yessss a man who can move is always seductive
Dera: It’s definitely a turn on for me, dancing
Dera: I love it
Dera: Because I love to dance. And being able to dance with someone is like so intimate and beautiful
Dera: Do you know what else is intimate?
Dera: Reading to someone. When I read your boring economics book to you, I was like, wtf…. This is ridiculously intimate *vomit emoji*
Cymric: Is that so, then I should continue putting more work in my dancing skills
Economics is so beautiful when it’s read by a pleasant voice
Dera: Cymric, are you trying to seduce me? 😏
Cymric: I don’t need to try
Dera: Flirty flirty
Dera: But I’m not so sure I’m very seduced 😉
Cymric: It’s probably because of the fever
Dera: You can try harder in person
Dera: I expect you to spare no expense
Dera: Go all out
Dera: Show me what you’ve got
Dera: 😁
Dera: Would you ever do a long distance relationship btw?
Cymric: NO
Dera: Lmao. You’re adamant
Dera: That’s fair enough
Cymric: Why you’re asking?
Dera: Just curious
Cymric: I’m not planning on seducing you, I need to plan our schedule for fun

If this isn’t flirting then I don’t know what is.

Today was a good day. Even though I spent it alone, I had fun.

I started the day off lazily, got a bit bored and went into my head a bit so I got myself dressed and left the house. Bought a new book which I then sat and read by the river for about an hour.

I then bought three packs of strawberries for very cheap, a cinnamon pretzel and went home to indulge in my sweet treats.

I also started watching Hidden Figures, which I’m yet to finish. Before that I actually spent some good time watching some live Dance Gavin Dance videos on YouTube, singing along, really taking it all in.

Then I spoke to Junior on the phone for a bit before heading out for a solo night out. Went to a cafe/bar and sat listening to music for a bit. I was then invited by two Italian men to join them at their table, which I did.

The three of us eventually left and went to another venue where we danced. We then ended the night sitting and chatting for a while. It was cool. They were a bit old, I predict around 35+ but that doesn’t matter. It’s about being around and enjoying good company. And I did!

Numbers and goodnights were exchanged and now here I am in my bed listening to some Silverstein because rock music is serene.

I feel like I’m back in my element. I have the most fun when I’m alone and single. I don’t feel lonely, in fact, I have too much fun and this is what I miss – being me. I don’t think a relationship will interfere with that if it’s the right one. The wrong one and I become depressed. Maybe what I need is a long distance lover. That way I can have the best of both worlds – my freedom and love.

I’m happy. Even if I don’t get into a serious relationship for a while, knowing that I have options will keep me content.

Now to meditate then sleep.

* * * 

But before I sleep. My good friend Winter travelled to visit me yesterday! You know how I said I was going to surround myself with friends, well that’s what I’m doing. I saw Winter this week, I’m seeing Sana next week and Cymric the week after.

It was so good seeing her. We had a good catch up. Drunk lots of alcohol and went our separate ways. But it was just so good having a friend! It literally meant so much to me her coming to visit me.

This is what I need. Friends.

But I also need to make new friends, you know? At least people who I can impromptu see. All my close friends are far away and I don’t see myself becoming BFFs with Igor, so going out alone is what I do now to make it happen.

Man I’m happy. This is me. This is the Dera Igor never got to see because I was so miserable.

THIS. IS. ME.

Now sleep!

I keep thinking back to the video chat I had with Cymric.

He’d ordered some books on economics that he wanted me to bring for him on my trip to Cymricland. Anyway he asked me to read a few pages of one book to him. He likes my accent so this was a treat for him really.

And so I read. And I read well. Needless to say he was pleased. But that’s not what I’m thinking about.

What I want to know is HOW FUCKING ROMANTIC IS IT READING FOR SOMEONE?!! There’s just something about sharing a book with another person that’s magical. Granted, it wasn’t a fantasy novel that I was reading and those are the only books I enjoy, but regardless, it just felt so good sharing that moment with him.

We’ve had romantic moments before in the past. Like that one time on his birthday when we shared ice cream together. That shit was romantic as fuck.

Still my feelings for Cymric are platonic but it’s just nice to share these little moments with someone (without them meaning something more).

I do miss him. I didn’t know I could miss someone so much after such a length of time of not seeing them. Usually for me it’s out of sight out of mind.

I spoke with my best friend Junior a few days ago and told him I was going to visit Cymric in his country. Junior said he remembers him and that I really liked him.

Cymric and I were/are really good friends. When he was here in Deraland, We’d go out almost every weekend and just have fun. There was nothing more to it. Just friendship. And I could be myself with him.

Even our little video chat felt like it was the first time in a long time that I could be myself and feel free to be so without any judgement.

Maybe that’s what cheered me up this week. Maybe that’s what forced my bright personality to shine through.

And maybe that’s why I’m happy.

I’ve started practising mindfulness. I realise now that I overthink too much and it leads to anxiety and then eventually me spiralling.

Today has been a good day. I barely remunerated over anything. In fact, Igor and I had an argument but I decided I didn’t want to focus on it, so I got out of my head and paid attention to myself and my surroundings and was able to just let it go without it impacting my mood. I was very happy today. I felt like myself. So it was great!

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve felt in control of myself. Not having conflicting thoughts flying around in my head, not fighting a daily war with myself. It gets tiring. So I’m happy that I could just be. Really and truly.

Igor and I are staying friends which is fine. We’re are ridiculously incompatible. Well not ridiculously, but our personalities don’t mesh so well romantically. I deduced that he has an ESFJ personality type and that it can be difficult for relationships to work with ENFPs like me. I think we just struggle to understand each other.

I’ve decided to finally stop analysing why Igor and I failed. I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re just not compatible. And that’s finally put my mind to rest. I guess I can say I have closure now.

But it’s fine. Personality types aren’t everything. As long as there’s communication and respect. But our communication during conflict sucks! But now I know never to get with someone like him in the future. You live and you learn.

I video chatted with Cymric for like 2 hours on Tuesday. It was nice. I even started dancing on camera for him. I was just having fun and he was having fun watching me. There was a lot of flirting but I want to stay wary because I don’t want to project any feelings onto him, you know? When meditating and clearing my mind, I find that maybe I’m not all that into him. See I say this now, but overthinking Dera will try to find contradictory examples of romantic gestures directed towards him. But no. I’m not going to think about it. He’s just a friend, and just a friend he’ll stay until things start to progress romantically, if ever.

Yesterday I was a little sad because I felt that I’d maybe never be happy in a relationship. I felt that I’d never be satisfied and I should have maybe settled for my exes because they were good guys.

But through trying to see things logically, I think that maybe if I met a guy I could tolerate and could tolerate me, I’d be ok. As long as I don’t feel unwanted (i.e. my ex fiancé) or misunderstood (i.e. Igor) I’d be ok. I find guys who aren’t as emotionally expressive more endearing. But I still need them to be emotionally open with me. I need depth in my relationships. I don’t want a friendship. So these things are a must.

I’m actually feeling much more comfortable in my aloneness. I’m liking the prospect of being single and enjoying some well needed me time. Today I cooked for myself and enjoyed every forkful of it. For once I’m present and living life in the real world – not in my head. And I’m not so sad about Igor. I think being with him was emotionally draining for me because I wanted it to work so bad but it just wasn’t and that caused me major overthinking and anxiety. When I’m with the right person, it’ll feel less tasking on my mind and I’ll feel at peace.

I really did think Igor was my forever person but maybe he was just a rebound. Meh, life goes on. Next time I’ll choose more wisely.

If I was to be practical and choose a partner practically, I’d go for my ex fiancé, Cymric, or at least someone like them, but if I want a fairytale where everything is magical, where sparks fly and birds sing, then I’d have to sit tight and wait for my Prince Charming to come riding along.

But unfortunately, life isn’t a fairytale…

I thought seeing him would change how I felt. But seeing him changed nothing. I’m just not attracted to him. He’s not for me. I need to let him go now.

* * *

I spent Easter at home with the family. It was nice seeing everyone.

I miss him so bad. My poor little heart hurts. But I need to hurt to get over this breakup. My every instinct is telling me to reach out to him, tell him we can start again, but I know I shouldn’t.

My first breakup was tough but I know what to do the second time round; I need to be strong. I know I’m sad and all I can do right now is cry but it will get easier. It always does.

I just miss him so much. He was so good to me and he did make me happy too. He said he’d wait for me. Maybe once I’ve had time to heal and he’s had time to find himself we can try again. But not now.

If it’s meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other again.

So we slept together. Watched movies together. Snuggled together.

But I’ve ended it for real now.

Lol.

I’ve left him. This is the final time. I promise!

But really, it was the right thing to do. We can’t keep doing this dance; back and forth, back and forth.

I’ve clearly lost interest and out of respect it’s best I leave the relationship. For his sake and mine.

It went on longer than it should and apparently my personality type find it difficult to end relationships, which is true, and I don’t want to get stuck in a cycle where I’m so afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. So this time it is final!

* * * 

I’m definitely not going to pursue anything other than friendship with Cymric. I want to be single for a while. I think that’ll be good for me.

Of course, there is a fear there that I’ll meet no one or I’ll keep meeting the wrong person until I’m old and withered or I just won’t be able to fall in love with anyone. Obviously I’m an overthinker and I need to not get stuck in my head. I want to be a strong person. A singleton who can derive the fulfilment she needs from friends and family.

Igor really likes me and wants me. It’s sad that he imagines a future with only me but I don’t feel the same way. In the beginning I was so taken by him. I was infatuated. Crazily so. But all the arguments and the questioning and probably even the insecurities got the better of me.

Initially I felt so misunderstood by him. But it wasn’t until he finally understood what I needed from him that things started to get much better but it was too late. I’d already started to check out. I think for a four month relationship things were just too rocky. I wasn’t able to find a safe space in him.

I don’t like arguments and I will internalise everything and come to a conclusion that it occurred because the other party didn’t like who I am. That, of course, is something I personally need to work on.

Maybe feelings for Igor could have returned if I’d given things a chance, but I don’t think so. Maybe he would have been perfect for me. Maybe he is. But this relationship is too far gone. He is everything I want but I need to let go of the past first. Let go of the perception I have of him. The only way we can work is to wipe the slate clean and start again. But no. Let’s not do this! It’s over. He’s not for me.

I’m yet to meet my forever…