Category: Journal

I’m feeling anxious.

I feel like Igor doesn’t like me even though he does.

Also I was checking out on eBay and I saw my ex’s address and that got me feeling a type of way.

Either way my heart is racing for some reason.

Anyway I had a realisation. It sort of reduced me to tears.

Some school examination results from years ago wasn’t what was expected. I got an A and three Bs and didn’t get into my universities of choice.

Anyway my mother was ridiculously disappointed in me. She was crying saying that I embarrassed her and many other negative things. She wasn’t happy.

I had tried my hardest and worked my arse off. And my ABBB wasn’t enough. It was a failure and I was seen as one.

To be honest I’m not sure how I felt in that moment (obviously not happy) but now it’s really upsetting me and I don’t know why.

I feel like there are moments in my life where I’ve been chastised for doing nothing but my best but I can’t remember any of them. Even this one just decided to pop into my head out of nowhere because I’d obviously just chosen to block it out.

And of course, there’s always a reason for why someone is a certain way. Me always feeling like anything and everything I do isn’t good enough. There are reasons.

And I’ve thought and thought and thought about it because if I went to a counsellor they’d want to know about my childhood and so I think about it and nothing comes up.

But there must be reasons…

My mother’s reaction sucked. But she took it out on me. She had every right to feel how she felt but she took it out on me. I didn’t fail. In fact I still did very well but it wasn’t enough.

But whatever. Heart’s racing. Feeling shitty. But it’s ok.

* * *

I’ve decided on Igor’s behalf that he doesn’t like me because I’m too affectionate towards him.

He tells me he likes me a lot but in my head I know he feels like I’m too much and maybe needs some space from me.

I don’t blame him. He’s feeling like I’m giving him more attention than I should and its putting him off me.

Anyway if he breaks up with me, I’ll understand. It was nice while it lasted.

Also my anxiety is in full swing and I don’t know why. Me heart is pounding on my ribs and I just have a general feeling of not being liked by my boyfriend.

Today I messaged him saying “boyf” and he replied with a “?”. Then I told him I missed him and he didn’t say it back, instead he sent me a smiley face.

THEREFORE, he hates me.

And I think it’s a valid conclusion. So it’s time to run away again me thinks.

Peace!

Having a structured plan has really been the push I’ve needed to start pursuing my craft and releasing content regularly. Everything has been working out so great – I know what I’m doing and when, having set days when I work and when I’m off means I can work hard yet still rest. Sometimes it is overwhelming; I have three consecutive craft days (Sunday, Monday and Tuesday) and that can make me quite stressed but once I’ve released the tension, all is good.

Things with Igor are wonderful. We had a small lover’s tiff this morning because he said I should stop singing and I said I’m never going over to his place again. Anyway it was the first time an argument didn’t leave me feeling confused about the relationship. Usually arguments turn me off him and I start feeling like our relationship is less than perfect, or whatever. But today, I was just like “I still really like this guy and this argument doesn’t make me like him any less. I just don’t want to talk to him right now”.

Little by little I’m getting to the point where I feel like what we have is an actual relationship. Yesterday the sex was great. I didn’t want him to stop. I’m sure I almost orgasmed too. I just felt so connected to him and it was nice.

He’s a good guy. All the overwhelming emotions I felt for him at the beginning were not wrong. They were just overpowering. I’ve calmed down a lot since then but now and again I do get my gut whispering sweet nonsense that I’m choosing to ignore for now.

I read somewhere that said, if thoughts of an ex come into your head, you shouldn’t try and block it. Just let the thoughts play out and eventually they won’t come back. And it’s so true. I had a few days where my ex was a repeat visitor to my mind but now I rarely think of him or even miss him. A couple of times I was almost reduced to tears by thoughts of him because I did miss him, but it’s getting better now. I know it’s natural, he was a big part of my life, and it’s taking such a long time for traces of him to disappear but slowly I am unlearning my bad relationship habits and learning to put my trust in the man that I’ve chosen to hold my heart.

Kudos to Igor for being patient and putting up with my bullshit. New lovers after a breakup tend to have to put up with a lot of stuff. Heartbreak leaves a lot of people broken and having someone who is patient enough to help you put the pieces back together is such a beautiful thing.

I’m so bored at work that I don’t know what to do with myself.

Anyway the realisation of my normality secured my affection towards Igor. I’m weird I know. I don’t even want to go into it because if I do it will make me feel even more stupid. But whatever. All I can say is that your first proper relationship is the easiest. Everything after that is a million times more complicated. It’s amazing how heavy baggage really is.

I’m amazed at how I’ve been sticking to my crafting plans. I have a calendar for when I’ll be doing what and it’s helped me so much. And Igor has been so supportive. He is an actual star. He really is everything I’ve wanted but somehow, I always manage to talk myself out of seeing how remarkable he is. Silly me.

Anyway, let’s see if we can finally reach a point of equilibrium because this whole getting to know each other fiasco is all up in the air right now.

He makes me feel good about myself. He really does. And I’ve mentioned many times how he makes me feel.

But he also makes me feel bad about myself and that’s what sticks. Sometimes he says things in jest but it just doesn’t come across how he means or it somehow gets lost in translation, but then it hurts me.

So what is it, am I a sensitive person? Well, that depends on:

1. What’s said
2. Who says it

He said a few things these past few days that have offended me a little bit and when something is a direct insult, yeah it’s hard to not take it personally. I’m all for banter. I trade barbs back and forth with my friends; I say mean shit and they say mean shit too, but it’s nothing that brings into question who we are as people.

He asked me if I would sleep with any of the guys I’d slept with before if him and I broke up. Firstly, I thought he asked if I’d sleep with any of the guys I’d slept with if him and I hadn’t gotten together but even still, what kind of fucking question is that? And secondly, what kind of fucking question is that?! Why would you ask that to your girlfriend?! Even as a joke?! It’s a bit touchy.

It’s like he’s bringing into question my moral integrity. Shit that shouldn’t even matter within the relationship we’re in. He makes me out to be some sort of hoe and it’s not even the first time he’s done this. There was a time when he literally was calling me hoe as a joke and that fucking hurts.

So, I’m now in a bad mood, understandably, and I’m trying my damned hardest not to escalate the problem because I hate arguments. So now I’m grumpy girlfriend (even though he put me into a grump), and I have a problem and I never let things go and bla bla bla. Ok!

That’s why on Thursday I said “I know how I am around my friends and I know how I am around Igor and I don’t know what it is but…” because with my friends I’m not grumpy. The banter flows, there’s chillness all around and everything is great. With him I’m the fucking Grinch. I don’t feel like myself sometimes.

And according to him “I’m problematic”, “there’s always something wrong with me”, “my mood switches”, etc, etc. But I’ve been acquaintances with many people and I have had brief episodes with guys and I’ve never gotten that from anyone. I was with a guy for five years and my temperament was pretty constant throughout. There were no fluctuating moods, no problems (other than for the reasons we broke up), no nothing. I’m not fucking crazy.

I have never once used his sexual past to bait him. Or to test him. In fact I don’t even bring it up! And he’s slept with five times more people than I have so he should keep quiet. I never say a bad thing about him. Even when talking about his smoking, I approach the topic from a place of care and concern. I don’t go in full guns blazing and tell him he’s a terrible person for smoking, like what the fuck, people have feelings.

I want to blame it on the language barrier, I really do. But we’re just not at that point where we’re comfortable enough with each other to even bring up topics that basically criticise who someone is.

Yes I’m fucking hurt and no I’m not over thinking shit because this is legit. This is real and it’s how I feel.

And I will not have someone tell me I’m something that I’m not. Or ask me silly questions that will bait me into looking like a fucking prostitute.

I’m annoyed.

All I want is a normal relationship where we do normal things and talk about normal stuff. Where we can laugh about shit and take the piss out of each other (in a nice way). Where I’m not always in a mood and everything is going swimmingly.

In fact, things were great up until this week. But now I question how he actually sees me…

* * *

I feel sick to my stomach because now I feel like I’ve slept with too many guys. Now I want to cry.

He gives me anxiety.

Relationships are weird.

I like Igor, I really do. He turns me on in all the right ways. But thats, like, sexual.

I know how I am around my friends and I know how I am around Igor and I don’t know what it is but…

I know, I know. I’m thinking again. But really I just want to get this out.

I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.

Ok, here it is: should I be moving towards falling in love with him, because I’m not. Yet.

I really like him and he makes me smile and laugh. I know it’s only been two months so I can’t expect to be in love with him already, but I should definitely like him more today than I did yesterday? Right?

Plus I’m so preoccupied with pursuing my craft that I feel like it’s overtaking my brain and I’d rather commit all my headspace to that if given the chance.

I know I’m going to start overthinking. But when I set my mind to something, I chase it with all the passion that I’ve got. I’m aiming towards becoming a huge success and I’m so worried that a relationship will fall to second place because of this.

My craft is all I can think about. It’s what I dream about and it’s what keeps me up at night. It’s giving me everything I need to feel fulfilled and so I’m so, so wary of how this will make me perceive relationships.

I don’t want to be a career woman, that’s not me. I want love in my life. I just don’t want to be so consumed in one thing that I’m not present with something that’s equally, if not more, important.

But back to the whole love thing. Because I don’t have this crazy, head-over-heels, in love attachment to him (yet), I do feel as though it would be easier for me to slip up. To put my all into projects that I do have a crazy, head-over-heels, in love attachment to.

I don’t want to keep talking about my craft. I’m so obsessed, I really want to focus on something else. I want our conversations to be about things we both like talking about.

I’m going to stress over this. I don’t want to but it’s starting to bother me.

I’m frustrated. He takes an interest in what I do. He wants to help me succeed and that’s beautiful. In fact I’m so touched that he’s there for me, I want to be better for him. I want him to know that it’s not only my business that’s important to me. He too is.

I don’t want to retreat into my mind around him. Again, I want to be present. Before, I was overthinking about my relationship, now I’m overthinking about my craft.

Stop Dera. Stop.

Also, FEBRUARY IS HERE!

I’m working hard, I’m productive and I’m succeeding! It’s all a balancing act but I’ve found a place of stability. It’s nice. My relationship is thriving, my following is growing and I’m content.

I feel like I have a purpose. My days are rarely filled with complacency, I know who I am and what I want to do.

Having space from Igor is good for both of us. We have the time to individually pursue the things that make us us and when we’re together we can be the amazing couple we are and do coupley things together.

I’m myself and I’m glad. Igor doesn’t have to see that side of me anymore. I probably stressed him with my stressing, so I’m happy I can be the Dera everyone knows and loves.

Nothing much to add. All is well. I actually haven’t been thinking about much expect for how I can further my craft. To be honest, all I’ve had in my head these past few day are Igor and my craft. I’m excited to work hard and even more excited for the days I see him. The two good things in my life.

I’m best friends with life.

For now.

(Last day of January! Fuck yeah!)

The fact that I have nothing much to write about shows how at peace I am within myself. I’m not really thinking of anything and the most troubling thing in my life right now is the bump I have next to my conch piercing.

I have had some brief relapses. The thinking, the questioning, the sadness but it doesn’t overwhelm me. I think this time it’s normal because it’s to do with my ex. I have a lot of things that remind me of him. Especially me pursuing my craft. I started it as a hobby when we broke up the first time and because I was single, sad, but living my best life I was making good progress with it. I built a large following and everything was going great.

Now I’m at a similar high where I’m really pushing myself to do more with my craft and it reminds me of that single and sad period. I don’t want my craft to remind me of sadder days because then I think of him. I think of what we had. And then I question.

I do miss him. But not in the way where I want to be with him. I miss him as a friend. He was my best friend before he was my lover and we were close. So close. There are so many things happening that I wish I could share with him. But it’s fine. I’m happy.

I don’t know what really pursuing my craft means to me subconsciously, but I feel a reluctance every time I have to start a new project. I feel like I’ve either attached some negative connotation to it or I’m a little bit apprehensive in case I fail, hence the anxiety and palpitations. Whatever it is, I need to push past the resistance and build my success.

All in all, I’m in a good place. I’m happy. Things with Igor are perfect. We feel normal – yes, that made me laugh. Because it was the pursuit of normality that drove me crazy in the first place. But we really do feel normal. I’m no longer checking myself. I now see him as a regular human being who I can just be myself around. It’s nice.

Now that I’m seeing things from a place of sanity and I no longer have my intuition taunting me with whispers of a supposed forever-person, I can see things progressing positively with him. He’s a great person and I’m happy when I’m around him. I find him plentifully attractive and so for the foreseeable future, I’ll definitely be sticking to this one.

Also, will January end already…?! I feel like the whole of 2018 has come and gone and yet somehow we’re still only at the very beginning of the year.

I miss being Fridarian (my made up African country, plus today is Friday). I feel like I haven’t really done anything that pays homage to my culture. So tonight I’m going to indulge in some afrobeats and dance all evening. I’m from Fridaria, I have a culture and it’s important to me. Especially being able express that side of me.

Because I’m dating a guy who isn’t African doesn’t mean I shouldn’t show that side of me. My culture is rich and colourful. And it’s part of me.

I’m itching to dance now. I wonder if Igor can dance…

* * *

Thinking about it, maybe I was the one who put Igor up on a pedestal. Maybe I was so captivated by how well he treated me and how he made me feel as a person that I wanted perfection for him. Obviously I did my most when shown sub-par affection, so when it came to the above-par affection I was receiving, I had to do more than my most.

But then I went from captivated to captive. I was a prisoner of my own mind. And having those arguments really brought him down a few levels too. The pedestal wasn’t so high anymore.

Now I just see him as a normal human being treating me the way I deserve to be treated. And the best I can do is try for him. I may not always be my best self but I will strive to be.

I feel really good.