Category: Journal

He’s perfect.

I like that I like him. I don’t know why I was fearful; It feels so good. I’m just happy around him. He takes an interest in my life and the things that I do and it’s nice. I know that he cares about me and I can feel it too.

I don’t want to keep writing about my relationship because journaling can be a bit of a double edged sword. Although it encourages me to think about my life and my feelings, it can also exacerbate my overthinking and then I start questioning everything for the sake of having something to write.

On that note, I’m going to leave things here. But to conclude, I’m happy and at peace.

I really need people to start telling me when they notice that I’m not myself anymore. I can’t be going crazy and have no idea. But all is well with me. I finally have some respite from all the worrying and stressing and thinking. Obviously thinking about not thinking can lead to overthinking so I’m just trying hard to be present. So far so good.

My relationship with Igor has transcended new levels. Last night he helped me blow out my afro. I combed, he blow dried. This morning I did a wee in front of him. And he showered while I brushed my teeth. Progress!

The weekend was nice. I enjoyed just being present with Igor. I’m so glad we’re still together. I really, really, really like him. Like a lot a lot. I’m trying to not get overwhelmed by my feelings for him and just accept that I have them. I get butterflies, I get moments where I want to take in all of him, and I’m very attracted to him. I’m glad that hasn’t changed. Even when in a state I knew that I liked him, I couldn’t feel anything, but logically I knew that what I felt for him was real. He really is amazing. But anyway, enough of him.

On Friday, I invited a homeless man to have KFC with me, but he refused and asked for coffee instead, so I bought him coffee. For me, I just really needed someone to talk to. At that point, I didn’t even care who. For the homeless man, he wanted free food and drinks. I was offering him a meal and he refused me. I think maybe his pride got in the way. When you’re homeless, you must has qualms about entering into public spaces, especially restaurants. Obviously fear of being turned away or stared at can come into play but really, beggars can’t be choosers and if someone is offering you a full meal, I think it would be wise to take it, despite what reservations you may have.

I’m acquainted with a homeless man named Chris (real name). I’ve offered to take him into fast-food restaurants to buy him food and he hasn’t once turned me down. Anyway we all have our insecurities, I don’t blame the homeless man for refusing my offer. I do like talking to the homeless. I feel like throwing them money isn’t going to do much for restoring their humanity. That’s why I’d prefer giving them my listening ear than my money. Sleeping on the streets and have people walk past like you’re invisible must be so dehumanising and I think just letting them know that you see and hear them goes a long way, especially for their mental health.

I’ve decided I’m aiming to retire by the end of 2019. I want to be self-sufficient by that point. Make my own money and never work for the man again. Now that I’m out of my mental slump, I’m going to start working hard again. I think I can be successful. I see success in my future. I see Igor too. He says he knows I’ll be a good wife and mother. How nice. Well I think he’ll be a good husband and father. Whether that’s with me or not, I know he’ll make whoever he’s with happy.

I actually feel sad and very remorseful that I hurt him with my emotional state. It wasn’t on purpose. I try to be selfless always but I guess I was really selfish with the way I treated him; making him feel like it was his fault that I was in a state. I don’t know if I can forgive myself, but if I don’t I think I’d drive myself crazy again, so I just need to accept that it happened and try hard to avoid another episode.

Also, I need to stop taking things so personally. I get upset at the smallest reprimand and that of course fuels my anxiety. But we live and we learn! Life goes on. But for the most part, I’m content.

I think I had a breakdown. I spiralled. My anxiety was high, I was overthinking everything and completely lost the ability to make decisions because I couldn’t trust myself. My stress levels went through the roof and I clearly wasn’t dealing with it very well.

I’m not going to say I’m better. But I’m feeling again. My emotions are back and I feel fine. I literally felt so overwhelmed. I’d go from high to low to even lower. Really, my emotional and mental health were compromised. And that’s bad. I need to do better to know when I’m getting in a state so I can deal with it before it escalates.

Sometimes I don’t even realise it’s happening. I just feel like it’s external factors basically influencing my emotions but most of the time it’s my overthinking that convinces me that there’s a problem with everything in my life.

This is a recent thing for me. It only started happening before I broke up with my ex. So it’s all new and the fact that I have some underlying issues is something that I need to be aware of and deal with.

This is the dark place I was talking about. The one I was doing my damned hardest to avoid. I failed. Miserably. But it’s fine. I’m fine.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me and I’m feeling numb.

I was young when my mom met my dad and five when they got married. When she met him, she didn’t like him very much and wasn’t in the slightest bit attracted to him. He wasn’t everything she wanted but he was definitely everything she needed.

He fought for the woman he wanted and loved. And I know my mother, she can be ridiculously difficult if she wants. And here they are living happily ever after.

My dad is the best man I know. He may not have conceived me but he is my one and only father. Forget that sperm donor who decided I wasn’t worth shit.

My dad is a good father and a good husband. I know what love is because of my parents and it’s what I’ve always wanted for myself.

If I could find a man with a pinch of the compassion, care, selflessness, love, thoughtfulness, honesty that my father possesses I’d be set for life. I’d be happy forever.

But here I am, with a man that doesn’t have just a pinch, but a bucketful of those qualities. And I ruined that shit.

I want to fight, I do. But I’m so disconnected from my emotions that all I can offer is monotonous garble.

My head hurts. I feel sick. I just don’t feel too great right now. At least if I was anxious, I would be feeling something. But even my anxiety is doing it’s thing independent of me.

I’m not sad. Just frustrated. But now I actually want to be sad. I need answers. I need to know how I feel about everything.

I should go to work but my head hurts too much. I want to sleep…

* * *

Igor, if you’re reading this:

You were mine from the start. You already had my heart. You didn’t even have to try hard. It was always with you.

But my heart, it hurt. Wounds that were yet to heal. And as you tried to fix it with your love, patience and care, it hurt. It hurt so bad. And I couldn’t take the pain. My heart was too wounded. So I took it away from you so that I could fix it myself. And I tried so hard to fix it alone but I was doing it all wrong. I was hurting myself even more. I consulted my brain on numerous occasions but my brain didn’t know what to do either. But I kept going back, asking more questions, making sure I was going down the right track, to no avail.

And all the while, I had your heart in my hand. But I was so focused on fixing mine, I forgot yours. In fact, I wasn’t showing it the love and attention it needed to thrive and I invariably started to cause it pain too.

I had two hearts. Both of which I was hurting. But what I should have done was to allow you to keep my heart and continue to heal it while I worked on nourishing yours. But I was so scared that you’d hurt me that I didn’t realise I was the one causing pain, to both of us.

I only ever wanted to present you with my best self. I wanted to give you the best experience, the best sex, the best everything. But I’m not perfect and I failed. I failed on numerous occasions.

But maybe imperfection is what makes love and life beautiful. Maybe there’s a beauty in falling out. Maybe there’s a beauty in seeing someone at their most vulnerable, at their worst. Maybe there’s a beauty in my anxiety and my overthinking and my inability to just be. Maybe there is, I don’t know.

But what I do know is that I want to give being imperfect a chance. I failed at perfection and it hurt me more than anything. So I give you my imperfect heart, wounds and all. I give you my mood swings. And I give you myself.

I can’t promise you perfection, but I can promise you all of me. And if I fail at that, which I probably will, I’ll try again and keep trying until you have me in my entirety.

I’m sorry for everything.

And again I am crying. All I did was ask one questions. One question, “Are we normal?”. He turned it into an argument that I wasn’t trying to have.

* * *

This is the first song to play on my Apple Music. It’s a message from the universe:

Thought I was ready, ready for someone else
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself
Thought I was rock steady
That I didn’t need no help
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself

Guess I went ahead and jumped the gun again
Some shitty situation that I put you in
And I know we poured champagne
Maybe we was just too quick to celebrate

Know that I was first to say, “I love you, babe”
Moved my things to your apartment down on 2nd Street
I thought I’d cleaned the slate
But I guess I didn’t clean it all away

X Ambassadors – Ahead Of Myself

* * *

I’m not ready. It’s only fair to walk away. I wrote a poem a while ago for a friend. He liked this girl but she was very difficult to get through. That’s me now.

Iron Heart

With her heart of iron and her mind of steel
There’s something there, of much appeal
She’s the epitome of beauty, for which I have yearned
Leaving much to discover with time; unlearned.

Away I chip, but her magma’s not warm,
At her rock hard exterior; a millennium to form
But her splendour astounds me; she’s a work of art,
Molten colours on granite. Lovestoned. My heart…

My heart…

She’s unbreakably solid; I’m so cold, she’s ice
Unmelting in resolve, leaving little to excise
Her arctic skin, so impenetrable to my touch
Somehow has me confined to this inexorable clutch…

* * *

It’s for the best. It’s for the best. It’s for the best. I’ve probably made the biggest mistake of my life. But it’s fine. It has to be fine. I need it to be fine. I’ve been driving myself crazy these past few weeks. I want him more than anything but I’ve been getting in my own way and maybe I do need to distance myself from myself.

Breaking up with him definitely wasn’t the solution. I’d be the exact same way with the next guy that comes along. But it’s a temporary respite from me driving myself crazy. I hate feeling insecure. It’s a cycle. For the sake of self-preservation, of not seeming like I’m too much, of not becoming a worse version of myself I drove myself, and probably Igor, crazy.

But it’s for the best.

My ex was so lucky. He got with me when I had no negative preconceived ideas of love. I wasn’t weird about anything. I could just be and allow myself to feel whatever I wanted. Well he screwed that up for me. If only Igor was my first love. How easy everything would have been. Anyway, I just want to be normal again.

He really was the best thing to happen to me and I did ruin it but I knew I would. I was so happy. He was everything. But I just don’t have the strength or willpower to put aside my fears. All I ever wanted was to be my best self for him. I didn’t want to be the person love made me. If I loved him, I’d be my worst self, I’d ruin everything. And I’d get hurt in the process.

He deserves more than me.

* * *

Yes, this is a cop out. I should fight, but I don’t want to. It’s so hard.

I could never admit to myself how I felt about him. I didn’t want to. Yesterday I tried to force myself to say that I did have some semblance of love for him but I couldn’t say it. I’ve wanted to say it. More than anything. But do you know what admitting love means? It’s a physical and emotional struggle to admit it to myself.

I’m such a fucking loser. I wasn’t sad because of how I didn’t feel. I was sad because of how I did feel. What if we weren’t normal and I loved him? That’s what that question meant. Are we normal? Is it normal for me to love you? Is it normal for me to want you even though we argued? Is it normal for you to still want me even though I’m sad? Is it normal for you to love me even though I’m not perfect? Is it normal for you to be there for me even though I’m scared? Are we normal?

What if we weren’t normal and I loved him…?

* * *

There isn’t one perfect person for someone. There are hundreds of potentials in this world. It’s just about finding the one worth fighting for.

All three guys that I’ve dated in this life of mine I’ve really liked. But here I am single. I feel a fool. The first two had their part to play in the breakups. The third one, I let my insecurities and fears get the better of me. He’s the first guy I’ve dated after my first serious heartbreak. I genuinely thought that because of the long term lover I am, it would be easy jumping into something new. It would be fine. But I never realised how much hurt I was harbouring until I actually got into the relationship. I was happy, everything was great. I was ready. Relationships are easy. But actually they’re not.

My first proper relationship lasted five years. That’s a long time. I thought another five years would be no problem for me. I’ve done it once, I can do it again. But it haunted me. I tried to learn from history and so I questioned everything. I deliberated. I ruminated. And as a result, I wasn’t present.

* * *

I spoke with my best friend turned brother, Junior. I’ve missed him a lot. He’s my confidant. We had a small fallout but I’m so glad we’re talking again.

I’ve told him everything.

He said

• I can’t be my own worst enemy
• Chasing perfection never works out, especially in relationships
• I shouldn’t be with someone who brings out my insecurities
• If I can’t promise Igor that my insecurities won’t get the better of me then I don’t want him and I shouldn’t be with him
• If he’s worth it I should do everything I can to make it work
• If it’s meant to be it’ll happen
• I shouldn’t let my pride get in the way
• I shouldn’t beat myself up about it
• I’ll be ok. I always pick myself up

I don’t actually know how I’m feeling about the whole situation. I don’t feel happy or sad. So it’s not the best time for me to make decisions. I’m going to process my feelings first (when they return) and see how I feel.

Right now, I just want to eat food and watch shitty TV shows.

Anyway Junior has been my friend for years. He’s been there for me through it all. Right before I started dating my ex, through the heartache, until the end up to when I started dating Igor. He’s the only person I trust with EVERYTHING. When I’m sad, he’s my go-to person. Talking to him always helps me regain some level of sanity but these past few weeks not being able to call him, or anyone for that matter, has completely driven me crazy.

If I’d gone to him earlier I know he would have told me that the way I was feeling wasn’t worth it and I would have listened and I’d have been happier. Obviously my sanity doesn’t depend on him but I think we all need someone who can lift us up when we’re feeling down. Especially someone we trust wouldn’t judge us. I was too busy trying to be perfect for Igor, so he just wasn’t that person yet.

If we’d been speaking, I would have spoken to Junior about everything. And he would have related his own experiences and told me I was normal. I even asked him if his insecurities had ever ruined relationships and he said that they had. So now I feel a little less marginalised and a little less crazy.

What I’ve needed all this time was a friend. I really don’t have many friends but each friend has their purpose in my life. I go to Junior for basically everything and I go to Sana for some Christian wisdom. Ok, I have two friends. But I didn’t want to go to Sana about my insecurities because she’d probably make me feel even crazier, but in a good and funny way.

I feel ok. Junior told me I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. So I won’t. I’ll just be and then see how I feel.

* * *

I think feeling like I had no one also contributed. I was all round sad. But now that I’m not so crazy, I feel like I want to try again. I know I’ll probably fail but then I’ll try again. I might be alone in 2018, but I still have 2019 and onwards to look forward to.

Despite all my insecurities, I’m an amazing person to be with. I’m very open and receptive. I love to give and make others happy. It’s also in my nature to want to go above and beyond when I don’t need to. And although these are good qualities, they’re also the qualities I’m most afraid of in relationships. I’m a people-pleaser, and with that comes a whole host of issues. But I do want to try again. I want to express the positives of those qualities and not the insecurities behind them.

I’m also not a sad person. I’m usually happy 98% of the time but recently my moods have just been fluctuating like a hormonal teenager and I don’t like it. But I’m going to try and find my happy place. I’m going to read about what relationships entail and how to work through conflict without running away. I want to do better.

Let’s see what the future holds for me!

* * *

I called up and spoke to Sana. She prayed for me which was nice. She’s lovely. She reminded me that I am loved. I really should reach out to people more but not everyone wants to be burdened by someone else’s shit.

Also I find that I tend to numb out after going through periods of sadness or stress. It always happens. I never got emotionally numb before my past relationship. Now I get numb all the time. It feels like a mind block. Like you want to feel but despite anyone’s words or actions, you can’t.

What Sana did was so touching. In normal circumstances I’d be in tears. And I really do appreciate what she did but I don’t have the emotions to express it. I want to say that my breakup didn’t affect me as much as it probably did. Sana said that it undoubtedly would. I was engaged. But I’m not so traumatised that my emotions would just switch off. Am I?

I know the only way to get out of this slump is to confront my feelings. Or for something to evoke strong enough feelings but I don’t know exactly what I can do.

My head really hurts so I’m definitely stressed. Which means I 100% have emotions hiding somewhere. That’s why I don’t want to make a decision about Igor. If I knew what I was feeling I could act based on that.

He called me. He wanted me to make a decision but I just couldn’t. I need to wait out the emotional numbness. I don’t trust myself to make decisions right now, or ever. But I’ll need to. So I need to be in the best state of mind to do so.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for one day. I thought writing would lead into me writing out my feelings but I literally have nothing to say about anything.

Here we go again. He’s once again reduced me to tears because he doesn’t fucking understand. I’m not comparing him to my past relationship. Once again it has nothing to do with him and yet it’s somehow about him. This has to do with me and the fact that I’m fucking scared to allow myself to love. Not because there are any similarities between him and my ex. But because I’m cautious. I don’t want to be what relationships have made me. It’s about me. Not about him inevitably breaking my heart. It’s MY fear that I will get hurt, not that HE will hurt me.

Why can’t he just shut up and listen. The fact that I like him so much is causing me more distress than happiness. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m fed up. I’m waving the white flag. It’s time to go.

* * *

I don’t talk to him and there’s a problem. I do talk to him and there’s a problem. I’m not always sad. In fact I’m not a sad person but this relationship has done more to disrupt my happiness than I’m comfortable with. I am probably to blame but he’s not helping either. Yesterday when I tried talking to him he actually said to me that there’s always something wrong with me. Like thanks?

What’s the point in being with someone if you can’t even go to them when you’re feeling a little bit down? Something that should have been straightforward comforting has turned into a full blown confrontation.

I can’t do this anymore journal. I’m not ready to be sad all the time. I need to talk to someone. Anyone. I just need a little comfort. I’m drowning in my own sorrow and I have to deal with it alone. I felt less lonely when I was single.

* * *

He’s got a lot to learn but it’s fine. I care about him enough to want to work through this. We’re different people and we deal with things differently. This is all a process of getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes. He needs to realise that negating my emotions isn’t going to receive a welcoming response and nor is unsolicited advice. All I want is his calming presence. His arms around me. His reassurance.

He did well when I struggled to get wet. But I guess he realised it was about me and had nothing to do with him so he couldn’t interject with defensive comments. It’s nice when he understands and frustrating when he doesn’t.

I’m in two minds about running away. Right now I feel like proposing some time apart. But that’s just me refusing to deal with difficult situations. To me it’s probably easier to break up because I won’t be throwing away years of commitment. It’s only been a few months so there wouldn’t be much loss there. But it’s a cop out. Letting someone in is never easy but I want to try. I’ve seen how happy love can make me. Yes, I’ve had sad moments, but that’s a given. And love isn’t probably to blame for those sad moments. Love is beautiful and love is choosing to see the beauty even when everything seems ugly. Love is only ever positive. I want that for myself. With Igor.

Now that he’s allowed me to actually express my worries maybe things can move on easily.

I’m a very touchy feely person – I love being held and shown affection. But actually I realise now that with Igor even though I want to be near him more than anything, when I am, I’d rather distract myself with something else. It’s like I’m existing in his presence and I can’t bring myself to be present. I just want to be normal. I know myself and this isn’t me. It’s annoying actually.

* * *

I feel better. I want nothing more right now than to be in his arms. The attraction I have for him hasn’t disappeared. In fact I still feel plenty for him. It was never a case of me feeling nothing. It was that I felt too much and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Anyway all is well. I hope that’s the last time we’ll argue about this.

Chapter closed.

I go from feeling nothing to feeling everything. I feel overwhelmed by my affection for this guy. My heart feels heavy and I’m nervous.

I even borderline want to cry. Like you know when you feel like you’re being suffocated by emotions and the next best thing to expressing them is crying. Yeah, that’s what happens when you choose to feel. I was happy being miserable and emotionally numb. It was a nice break from whatever repulsiveness is happening inside of me right now.

Do you think I want to fall in love? Actually, is this even love? It feels more like an intense attraction to someone for no sane reason at all.

I don’t even know how to physically express this emotion to Igor.

Obviously Googled this shit and what I’ve found makes sense. Potentially having deeper feelings for Igor is definitely stirring up past hurts. Love to me is associated with sadness and unreciprocated selflessness. I remember what it turned me into and I promised myself I wouldn’t be that person anymore. Love did that. I stayed with my ex for no other reason other than I loved him and I can’t go back to that.

I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know how to allow myself to just let go of those hurts and just be.

* * * 

I can’t talk to him. I try to express my fears and my concerns and he makes me feel ten times worse with his unneeded interjections and advice. All I want from him is to listen. Instead he makes me just want to shut up and not say anything anymore because then I start to feel stupid for feeling how I feel.

And now I’m crying because I’m emotional and I can’t even talk to my own fucking boyfriend about it.

I’m tired of approaching him with my fears. I’m never talking to him about anything again. He isn’t helpful. He always, without fail, makes me feel worse than I already do. And then he wonders why I never share anything with him. I can’t be bothered anymore. This whole love thing isn’t for me.

Why can’t he understand that I have a wounded heart and not everything is going to suddenly and magically fix itself all because I’m in a new relationship? I don’t get to start over with a clean slate. I have shitty baggage that I’ve dragged with me and it’s affecting every facet of my life. Why can’t he understand this and show support in a way that doesn’t include unwarranted words of advice.

See this is why it’s easier to just close up. You try to be vulnerable with someone and they come at you with shit that makes you feel even less. Obviously it’s not intentional but he always does this and when he does I run away because I’m not going to be told that the way I’m feeling is uncalled for.

I’m not going to be with someone who makes me feel like my fears and my feelings are not worth having. I’ve been there, done that and I have the emotional scars to prove it. I want to follow through with openness, in a safe space where I know I’m being heard and supported.

I’m not doing this again. Fuck it.

* * *

I don’t want to talk to my fucking journal all the time. I have no one.

I had an entry for today that I had written out but couldn’t dare publish because it was a little bit too honest for my liking. I’m rewriting it with things worth talking about, like my feelings for Igor.

I can’t have suddenly stopped liking him. But how I’m feeling for him right now doesn’t actually amount to much. If anything I feel indifferent towards him. I don’t like him but I don’t don’t like him. It’s weird. I don’t know what changed in my mind. I don’t know what happened for me to feel this way. Man, I had so many feelings for him, strong ones too.

I know he’s an amazing person who does a lot for me. But it’s like I have a mind block that’s stopping me from remembering all those things and feeling anything towards his actions. I should be touched, moved, overwhelmed by the fact that he goes above and beyond for me, especially since it’s all I’ve ever wanted but I’m stuck.

Maybe it was lust. Maybe I was infatuated by everything and then we argued and the façade faded. All I know is that I’m not as interested as I was before. I think I’m going to break up with him… It’s probably just as simple as me losing my attraction for him.

Well this sucks.

Now, the thought of me losing him is making me want to cry. I don’t want to leave him. I do like him. For real. It isn’t lust. It’s never been about the physical or the sexual. They’ve been nice bonuses. It’s always been about how he makes me feel about myself. Which is good. It’s always good.

I need a pep talk to snap out of my apathetic delusions.

* * *

I think I’ve unwittingly put a wall up around my fickle heart. By trying to be perfect always and by reacting so negatively to the little hurt I’ve faced, it’s clear that I’m scared. Sometimes it’s easier to run than face things that can make you feel sad or angry or annoyed. I really don’t think it has anything to do with Igor.

I wrote a while ago that maybe I was falling in love with him and I had such an adverse reaction to that revelation that I basically stopped the whole falling notion in its tracks. I was falling, now I’m floating. Stuck in a miasma of emotions that I do not want to deal with because it is scary.

I think I’m scared. Really really scared. I loved one guy and because of what we went through together we became the worst versions of ourselves. I want to be perfect, but in this pursuit of perfection I am only hurting myself. I need to be honest with myself and just let Igor in. Let the poor boy in for goodness sake. I have so much capacity to love. I want to love. I see him and I together, I can imagine a future, it’s not that I don’t like him. I’m just scared. Now I want to run away.

Run awaaaay.

Today, my breasts feel the worst that they’ve ever felt in my whole life. During the lead up to my period, my breasts can choose to swell up and hurt me like a bitch or not hurt me at all. I’m a little girl with big boobs so I’m used to having unconventional sized balloons on my chest and it’s great when they don’t hurt, in fact, Igor loves them and I love that he loves them. Touch them the right way and new levels of lubrication can be reached.

But today they feel more like a curse than anything else. Forget the fact that I’m wearing a bra that’s three sizes too small (story for another day), the pain is unbearable. They feel like they want to burst free and the pressure they’re exerting on my bra is causing all types of aches. I can’t even deal. No, I can’t even walk. Even the slightest movement is like hell-to-the-no. They’re so swollen I feel like they’re going to explode. BANG! Boob fat everywhere.

Women suffer on the daily and still get shit done. Men really have no excuse. They are so fortunate that every single appendage on their body is finding ways to cause them discomfort.

What I need is a breast reduction. I’m definitely getting one if they get bigger during pregnancy. I’m pretty good at hiding the size of my breasts. When they started getting bigger, I adopted a more conservative sense of fashion, as in, I wore non-fitted, baggy, oversized tops. Even Igor was surprised at my body. Apparently to him, I was just this girl who dressed like a boy but underneath it all was this sexy body. I like that. Element of surprise and whatnot.

I have an alright body. I’m not anorexic but I am a US 6/UK 8/EU 36 on average. Up top I’m probably a size above and down low a size below. Bra size I’m a US 30J/UK 30GG/EU 65K. So overall I’m built uniquely. But aren’t we all. The only annoying thing about my body is that I look like a straight line. I have no waist or hips so I’m basically the letter I with boobs. Cute.

I’ve been feeling so motivated these past few days. I have such big plans for myself. I can’t wait to get successful. I’m aiming for 100,000 followers on social media channels by the end of this year. Right now, I average about 1000 a month but I want to boost that to 10,000 a month.

Ugh, basically the whole office knows about mine and Igor’s relationship. Well the big mouths of the office do, so everyone might as well know. It’s annoying that they draw attention to our relationship when they see us together. And they’re not even discreet about it. “Oh! Isn’t this cute!”, “Aww, is it date night tonight?”, “This is so sweet. I’m taking a picture!” Like fuck off! It’s literally none of anyone’s business but that’s what you get when you have a workplace relationship with someone. Fuck me.

I’m so pleased it’s Friday. This week has gone quickly, but Friday’s are always something to look forward to. I’m going out with Igor tomorrow. We’ll be travelling to a city to the North of our little town to meet up with his friend Csaba. He too is from Igorland and has known Igor for years. He’s actually the friend I met when Igor first took me to the city to the North back in November – our unofficial first date.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the months to come. I’m going to be buying my first property and by force I’ll pass my driving test, just need to continue with driving lessons first. Good things are coming this way. I feel so excited for my future. I see success, I see love and I see happiness.

* * *

Oh my goodness. Did I just imagine myself having Igor’s babies? Like in my head I saw him helping me pick out paint for the baby’s room. Whoa…! Ok granted, I was literally watching a similar scene on Netflix but like the imagery came into my head unbidden.

The thing is, I feel very comfortable with the thought. It feels right. Like I feel he would make a good father. I don’t know. Now I feel silly.

Ok no more random thoughts. Let’s remain thoughtless for the duration of the episode.

For some reason, I’m feeling more secure now in my relationship than I did before. Like it feels real.

Also, I can feel again! And guess what I’m feeling?! Happiness!! It’s amazing. I think getting into a fight with Igor and being able to just shout at him and slam doors really helped me release shit. I really don’t know what the problem was in the first place but right now I am A-OK!

I am feeling ridiculously motivated. I’ve scheduled social media content to be released. I’ve updated my blog. I’ve answered emails. I’m proper enthusiastic about my craft, in fact I’m itching to just work on it like right now. I’ve been uber productive and have so many things planned. I’m so excited for 2018.

Do you know why I think I feel this way?

Firstly, I argued with Igor, but we were able to make up, with him initiating the reconciliation, which means a lot to me. Secondly, I feel like I’m in control of my life. I got rid of my agent (they managed my social media thing that I do), and now I don’t have other people’s unneeded expectations holding me back. Thirdly, I’m comfortable. I’ve found a balance that’s working for me and it’s making me happy. I’m able to pursue my craft while maintaining my relationship with Igor. I’m feeling very optimistic about the future.

Now I need to somehow figure out how to incorporate exercise into all of this. I loved going to the gym. It was a good outlet and it made me feel good inside. But one step at a time! I’m not in need of another system overload.

Also, OH EM GEE, I’m sleeping properly again! I didn’t notice, but thinking about it, I’m able to sleep for longer now and I’m less tired. It’s an actual relief. I think that that’s a sign that my emotions have found some sort of equilibrium. Well not equilibrium, because I feel more happy than sad. But like, they’re all in cahoots with one another. My system is stable. Something like that.

Oh wait, what’s that?

Hello? Intuition? Is that you I hear knocking? You want to come inside? Yes? Alright, you can stay but just be quiet.

Yay! Intuition and I are friends again! Exciting times!

Also, happy two month anniversary to my journal! I’m surprised I’ve been able to keep it up for this long. But then my life has been pretty dramatic. There’s always something to write about. I don’t even know how I do it. If I’m not internally being dramatic then I’m externally being dramatic. Either way, I’m never short on drama.

I feel so good! Like hopeful. Even my relationship with Igor feels different. Or rather, it’s making me feel different. As in he’s shown me enough for me to know that, with us, there will be no resemblance to my past relationship. I think I feel less haunted by it now. Maybe that’s why I feel free.

Maybe thinking about my past relationship was what was depressing me? It could be. Anyway let’s leave all that in the yesterday. I want to focus on the today and tomorrow.