Category: Journal

Migraines, stomach pains, heart palpitations, need to sit on the toilet and do a shit.

Migraines, stomach pains, heart palpitations, sitting on the toilet doing a shit.

I’m in two minds about going to work this morning. I really don’t feel well and there’s a lot of anxiety present.

Yesterday I decided in my mind that it was best for Igor and I to not be together.

His feelings were valid. In fact, the way he chose to perceive the situation was also valid, it wasn’t true, but it was valid. What wasn’t ok was how he approached me about it. I was his girlfriend, there was meant to be some trust there, even if he’d made up his mind not to believe me, at least approaching me and asking about what happened before jumping to conclusions would have been the mature thing to do.

The fact that it took as little as me having coffee with Robin at work for him to break up with me speaks volumes on how much he trusts me. I don’t need to be in that kind of relationship. I also don’t need to be with someone who makes up assumptions based on what they’ve concocted in their mind. If he’d asked me, I would have told him straight what happened. It’s not like he caught Robin and I having sex butt naked on the table.

Robin has been my friend for over two years. Before we even had sex with each other we were very good friends and we were still friends after the sex; our friendship came first. The sex was just two isolated incidents that happened because of alcohol.

Since I started seeing Igor, my interactions with Robin decreased dramatically. All the plans we’d made to hang out after work were immediately cancelled, we rarely had lunch with each other and we no longer messaged one another outside of work.

If Igor knew how platonic my feelings for Robin were, he would believe me, or at least understand.

Perhaps he never really believed I actually liked him and he was patiently waiting for me to make one false move to prove me wrong.

Whatever it is, I’m not going to even bother defending myself and my feelings for him. I’ve never liked anyone like I liked him but it was never enough. So actually I’m tired. He’s not the one for me.

In fact, coffee with Robin was so innocent. All three of us work in the same office. If I was trying to hide my secret relationship with my “fuckbuddy” I would not be publicly announcing it. I did everything out in the open. I kept our relationship within a professional setting. I don’t even spend time alone with him anymore. There has never been an instance where I ran to Robin about my emotions. On New Year’s Day when I was busy believing Igor hated me, it didn’t even occur to me to call Robin. Not even joking, I called many people but not him. On the many other occasions where shit has happened between Igor and I, Robin was never my go-to guy.

How often do I even mention Robin? Most of the time when I do talk to Robin, it’s about my ex-relationship. Shit that I can’t bring up with Igor because, well, he was my boyfriend. So I talk to Robin because he was there through everything. He knows what happened and he understands how all the past shit is affecting me.

When I spoke to Igor about my ex and how the relationship screwed me up, he brandished it as a weapon and used it against me. So you see why it’s difficult to reason with him? I mean let’s not even talk about the fact that I asked his permission before mentioning my ex because mentioning him is not something I do with a current boyfriend. I basically can’t win. So I give up. It was nice knowing him,

I’m ridiculously late for work but I’m still deciding whether or not to go in.

I’m surprisingly calm. It doesn’t hurt so much right now. But I’m trying not to think too much about it. But I think I’ll be fine.

* * *

I ended up going to work. I arrived at lunch. I saw him. Obviously didn’t acknowledge him. It’s saddening… I don’t want to be with him but it’s still saddening. I don’t feel too great. Don’t know why I came in. I’ll probably just leave again. At least I can focus on doing my own thing like I wanted. I have nothing to distract me, so silver linings and whatnot.

I’m never again convincing myself that someone is my forever-person. Intuition says forever-person. I say fuck off. Actually, why can’t I just be alone forever? It seems like an easy way to live. No third parties disrupting your emotions and daily routine. It’s great!

Aloneness is my goal for 2018. I already said it on New Year’s Day but I guess I spoke it into fruition. Yay me…! I think single suits me. It’s like wearing clothes that just fit so well. I’m going to arm myself in solitude. Carry weapons of mass isolation. I’m literally so excited for this new development. Fun times ahead!

Yes, I’m ridiculously sad. My heard hurts and I’m a bit tired, but that’s the initiation into lonesomeness. I need to go through this to truly feel alone. I will feel my feels and at the end of it I will be free.

* * *

Do you know what I think? I think he either doesn’t trust me or he has trust issues. The overreaction was uncalled for.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to my wise and sensible, highly devout Christian, never kissed a boy, never had sex, 25 year old friend, Sana. She said that if he couldn’t trust me this early in the relationship, she’s not sure he’s worth it. That it’s only been a couple of months so it’s still so early in the relationship for him to act like this. She said that he was very hasty to drop me and I shouldn’t go back to him, that what he did was immature.

I agree!

See, single for life!

Igor just asked if I wanted to take a coffee break. Stay tuned for the next episode of Best Friends with Life.

* * *

Ok, so when he messaged me yesterday he actually wrote “I am not your ex-boyfriend” but I thought it was so absurd for him to randomly bring that up so I assumed there was a typo and he actually meant “I am now your ex-boyfriend”. Oops.

He didn’t break up with me. So I guess I’m not single then… So much for all that I wrote.

See, misinterpretations happen. Anyway, we talked and laughed it out and life carries on.

* * *

All is well. I told Igor next time he needs to talk to me first. And obviously vice versa.

It’s just a shame things blew up how they did. And I genuinely thought he’d broken up with me, which would have been a very immature move. Fortunately he hadn’t and that basically changes the script. He still overreacted but that’s why it’s important for him to talk to me about issues first instead of jumping to conclusions.

I was even looking forward to some 2018 aloneness. Guess I’m stuck with this one…

I’m happy.

So, Igor was like, I should be talking to him instead of writing in my journal. I guess he has a point. I mean, I did say I was going for open and honest communication so maybe I should start practising that.

With that being said, I did open up to him about my emotions or rather, lack of. He said that it’s normal and I guess it is, but when you’re just used to feeling strong emotions all the time, be it happy or sad, it’s just weird when all you have is an emotional numbness. I’m not really accustomed to it so it’ just weird.

I also told him that when I feel like our relationship is starting to resemble any aspect of my past relationship, I start to panic and try to change the situation in that instance to avoid repeating the past. Specifically, when I felt like him and I were spending too much time together. That really freaked me out and I started looking for ways to withdraw so that I didn’t fall into the same ditch that I found myself in with my ex.

I’m trying hard not to compare Igor with my ex. They are two very different people. But because of the stifling I had to endure, I struggle to be open for fear that I’ll push the other person away. I’d rather Igor not see me angry or sad or any other negative emotion in case he thinks I’m crazy and finds me off putting. But he said I shouldn’t be afraid to stand up for myself. That I should argue with him. It’s ok to be human. Therefore, I will start to argue. Let’s see how that goes…

I’ve just asked him whether we could have a practice argument tonight. Exciting times!

I’m terrible with conflict. The earliest sign of argument and I’m gone. Au revoir, adios, astalavista. Like when Igor got annoyed at me on New Year’s Day so I went home. Or yesterday when we started to argue over salmon and prawns at the supermarket, so I left him and went to stand outside. Sometimes it isn’t the right time and place for an argument so walking away until both parties have cooled down is usually the better way to proceed. At least once both people are calm, an adult conversation can be had. I don’t run away from confronting my problems head on, I just don’t like doing it in the moment in case things get heated. I’d prefer doing it when the person I’m confronting isn’t upset or angry at me. At least that way I don’t get insulted. Or I don’t say the wrong thing in the moment. The tongue is sharper than a two edged sword. Words hurt.

But I do admit, I need to probably express myself in the moment, especially when someone has done something to hurt me. I can’t always wait for a calmer situation before speaking my mind. So I will try and argue more. The only problem is that I cry with I’m angry and we can’t have tears or else I’ll be seen as weak and over-emotional.

* * *

Oh my goodness! I dried out during sex yesterday! I started off very, very wet but there was literally no sensation down there so I couldn’t maintain my juices. I tried playing with my pink bean but even that didn’t inspire much feeling. Then I was like “fuck, as well as being emotionally numb, I’m vaginally numb. I don’t want to do this anymore”, so we stopped. I know I started getting into my own head but really, I was just numb inside and out. And it sucked. I mean, he could get me wet, like really wet. That wasn’t even a problem. It’s just weird and annoying that I couldn’t maintain it.

* * *

I’ve been having plenty meh days recently. I’m genuinely contemplating whether or not I’m suffering from depression or perhaps my breakup is still affecting me. Well I know it is because I’m doing everything in my power to not be who I used to be. I feel like I’m trying too hard for things to be different to how they were. I don’t know how to just be. The reason I was so happy and never felt these fluctuating emotions with my ex was because I was comfortable with whatever twisted reality we were living in.

Now I’m so on edge. Constantly checking to see if everything is how I imagine they should be. Like for example, yesterday was a craft day, so ideally I should be spending the day doing my own thing outside of Igor. But then if I thought of maybe spending the day with him instead of my craft I’d question myself. I’d make sure I was strictly following my craft schedule because if I didn’t my relationship with Igor would turn into what my relationship with my ex was like. But I just want things to be natural.

It’s like I’m trying to fulfil that checklist that I wrote about a few days ago. I’ve almost made it the fundamental guideline of our relationship. How do I get over this? I literally just want to be normal. I want all the ease and comfort I felt with my ex.

There is literally nothing wrong with Igor. He’s a good guy with a good soul. I’m physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to him. I just can’t bring myself to feel more. I remember when I travelled to Amsterdam for my 25th how much I missed him. I’d be itching to talk to him. Then the whole ‘we need time apart’ fiasco pretty much ruined everything. I’m going to look back at entries from before then and see what changed.

Oh yes, the drama with my ex. Him messaging me, telling me I was vindictive. That wasn’t nice. Maybe that is the root cause. Everything was great, I was getting on with my life and suddenly I’m involved in his drama with people continuously dragging me back in. I haven’t spoken to him since then and I don’t even think about him, but he usually is the root cause of most of my problems. So maybe it’s that.

Also the ‘I can’t get wet’ drama. That was a pretty difficult time for me. But if anything, it should be something that brings me and Igor closer. He was really supportive and made me feel safe. So I don’t think it could be because of that.

Actually, reading back, it’s been a while since my intuition has spoken to me. It’s been eerily quiet. What happened to, “Intuition says forever-person. I say ok!”? The last time I wrote about feeling that intuition was on 19th December. What changed?

I’ve just had a quick google of emotional numbness and apparently it’s caused by too many conflicting emotions or by not knowing how to deal with strong emotions. So much that the part of the brain that processes emotions just shuts down. My poor brain. It makes sense.

I don’t know what I’m stressed about. There’s clearly something bothering me and I know it has nothing to do with Igor. I just want to know what it is.

The last strong emotion I felt was sadness. But I let myself feel sad. I cried my tears. I spoke things out with Igor. Everything was great. Actually I was highly upset and very hysterical. I cried a lot. But afterwards things were great.

Just had a quick catch up with Robin. I told him how I was feeling and he said that my symptoms are synonymous to depression. Fuck me. I can’t be depressed again. It’s annoying and I don’t entirely think I have anything to be depressed about. Generally I’ve been quite happy except for not actually feeling happy – just numb.

I can’t even talk to Igor about it. He just doesn’t understand. I say I feel emotionally numb and suddenly somehow, I’m attacking our relationship. It has nothing to do with how I feel about our relationship. It has nothing to do with him either. It’s all about me and I try and explain that to him and he says “if you feel emotional insecurities, it definitely impacts your relationship too”. No. I didn’t say insecurity, neither did I say that it was affecting our relationship. It’s my inability to feel anything that is the problem. I just need him to listen to me and not chime in. It has nothing to do with him. He’s annoying.

I want to get down to the root cause. I may have to do another analysis. Or actually just go and see a counsellor instead of using my journal as a way of self-medicating.

My mind keeps going back to New Year’s Day. To my hysterics. And all the bad thoughts of myself that went through my head. I felt a lot of negative emotions. I even briefly but not deeply thought about suicide. I know. I wasn’t going to kill myself, I didn’t want to, but it was an almost-option. I blamed myself for why Igor wasn’t supposedly speaking to me. I had no clue what I’d actually done but I was certain I had behaved in a way not befitting a girlfriend.

All my thoughts were confirmed. I didn’t deserve being fought for. I wasn’t worth shit. So Igor had every right to cut me off. It was my fault, I didn’t know how, but I just knew it was. I was going to be alone for life because I wasn’t lovable. There was no point even trying anymore. I’d pushed him away with my drunken antics. Pushed him away by acting out. I wasn’t perfect. I was a mess and so he cut me off. I was to blame for my actions. I was to blame for my ex not wanting me.

But when he showed up for me with hugs, kisses and affection I felt stupid. I jumped to ridiculous conclusions and it exposed how fragile I am when feeling unloved. A similar situation happened a while ago with my sister. She said some spiteful words in front of family members and I believed there and then that she hated me. I spiralled that night. I was ready to kill myself. If not for my ex being there, I would probably be dead. I went into a very dark place and I could see no way out other than death. I was ready to go. Death was the only release. And I couldn’t see past that. It was bleak.

Maybe I’m still reeling from New Year’s Day. I haven’t really been the same since then.

I think I am depressed. I just need to get over my feelings of worthlessness. I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend without him jumping to conclusions about us. I just need him to shut up and listen. I’m not here for his unfounded retorts.

I find that when I’m depressed, it almost always has nothing to do with anyone else; not Igor and not my ex. It’s usually about how I feel about myself. I need to take ownership of my feelings and stop trying to find external sources of problems that actually stem from inside. It’s a lot to do with self-esteem and quite frankly, I don’t think much of myself.

Outwardly I appear very confident and I am. I’m just weird. That’s all.

* * *

I have another theory as to why I’m depressed: my friend Matthew’s death. It’s very saddening and yet I haven’t cried. Around the 21st/22nd December I had some days filled with emotional numbness. The only reason I can think of for feeling that way is because of my friend’s death. I want to say something to him. Apologise for ignoring the last messages he sent me. Just the whole nature of his death is such a depressing one. He goes missing for days and then his body appears. It’s not nice. And actually just thinking about it my heart breaks.

I said some generic bullshit in my little eulogy but really I didn’t know him because I didn’t give him a chance. He reached out to me, made conversation and I ignored him. And now he’s dead and the only thing I have to remember him by are ignored messages from 2016. I’m sorry Matthew for being a terrible person. I need to do better.

* * *

Igor broke up with me. He saw me having coffee with Robin today at work and went berserker.

Anyway I guess it’s for the best.

* * * 

Ok what happened was Igor saw me and Robin together having coffee. This happened after I tried talking to him about my emotional numbness and him not getting it. His assumption was that I didn’t want to talk to him so I ran into the arms of the guy I fucked.

My perception was, I stopped talking to him because he wasn’t listening to what I was saying, he was interjecting with things that I didn’t want to talk about. Robin comes over, asks me if I want to grab a coffee, I say yes. We grab coffee. We talk.

I didn’t stop talking to Igor because of Robin. I didn’t run into his arms. But yes I spoke to him about how I was feeling emotionally numb but I didn’t go into specifics like I later did with Igor. Robin is my best friend and even though I did sleep with him, it was never like that for me. There are no romantic feelings but despite that I still understand where Igor is coming from. It couldn’t have looked good from his perspective so I’m not faulting him for that.

What was completely wrong on his part was how he literally just attacked me right off the bat. He didn’t ask me what happened. He just assumed he knew what happened. He was mean and said some mean things which were so unfair it actually hurts.

Everything I said he wouldn’t accept. I cried and apologised and he said I didn’t care and I didn’t apologise. He asked for my side of the story, I explained, then he continued to recount what he’d already told me, completely disregarding what I had just said. I refused to talk to him if, despite all I was saying, he was just going to continue accusing me. So I put the phone down on him.

Right now all I feel is nonchalance. I don’t care. I don’t care what he thinks I did or didn’t do. I explained what happened, he didn’t believe me, so what more can I do? I’m not going to argue the same thing over and over to no avail. Really, I just want to sleep. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore then that’s fine.

I was in the middle of cooking when he messaged that he was now my ex-boyfriend. I switched the cooker off and went straight up to bed. I still have spaghetti soaked in water downstairs. I have raw meat sitting out on the counter rotting away. I haven’t eaten. I don’t want to eat. I’m hungry as fuck but I don’t give two shits about anything right now.

I’m upset. And I too am hurt. That he didn’t even trust me enough to confront me like a mature adult. Instead he assumes the worst and throws accusations around.

I’m tired dear journal. Like I think I’d rather just isolate myself. Depression can do it’s worst because I do not care.

Fuck this shit.

So yesterday Igor and I were talking and I mentioned maybe I should start looking for jobs in CapitalCity. He said if I go he’d probably follow me there and we could get a place together, that that would be good. Uh oh!

This guy told me that he’s never lived with a girlfriend before and suddenly we could get a place together… Eh?

I don’t even have anything to say to that.

So, that’s it really. Not much else happening.

I showed Igor a private video of me in a very revealing dress and his reaction was “Wow. It looks gorgeous on you”.

Major butterflies and an ear to ear grin later, and here I am, feeling like the Queen of Egypt.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted! For the man that I am with to look at me and just think, ‘wow’. Sorry to bring it back to the ex again but he never saw me. I could be walking around naked, parading my beautiful self in front of him and he wouldn’t even look twice. Let alone once…

I only need to show my face and Igor is all over me.

He is everything I’ve always wanted. I don’t even want to be cliché but he is.

After I broke up with the ex, I wrote a list of what I had learned from the relationship and what I wanted.

• I need affection and intimacy. Not necessarily sex but I need to feel that the person I’m with wants me and is happy to be with me.
• Relationships aren’t all about giving. Although I am a people-pleaser, I deserve to be shown the same level of consideration that I show my partner. I want to be spoiled too.
• Be angrier when necessary. Don’t feel the impulse to reconcile straight away when I haven’t expressed my feelings about a situation. I don’t want my forgiving nature to be taken for granted.
• I want some level of attraction to be there. Physical and sexual. I want my partner to look at me and see the most amazing girl in the world. Ever.
• Be open. I shouldn’t be afraid to speak the truth or express myself even if I feel it will hurt my partner’s feelings.
• Learn how to communicate, even about the negative topics.
• Do not be my partner’s crutch. Support and help them but do not fix their problems.
• Be willing to accept my faults and understand that I am not perfect and take ownership of consequences.
• Be deep. Talk about the future. Come up with solutions to difficult problems together.
• Have fun. Do random things together. Learn new things and travel places.
• Give each other space to be alone.
• Fight fair.
• There isn’t a perfect “one” person for someone. There’s potential to love anybody, providing they respect you and show you love.
• Do not ever get into a long distance relationship!

Can I be so brave as to say Igor ticks literally everything up there? Shall we analyse how? Let’s do it!

I need affection and intimacy. Not necessarily sex but I need to feel that the person I’m with wants me and is happy to be with me.
This was something that was majorly missing from my ex-relationship. The intimacy. I never felt it from my ex and that was a major part of why I left him. With Igor, it’s effortless. It’s easy. The affection and intimacy is there and with it comes the sex. Good sex. And I know deep within my heart and my conscious psyche, he wants me. He showed up for me and always does the most because he wants me. He’s definitely happy to be with me – always PDA’ing without fail.

Relationships aren’t all about giving. Although I am a people-pleaser, I deserve to be shown the same level of consideration that I show my partner. I want to be spoiled too.
Relationships should be reciprocal. Give and take. It’s nice to give but it’s also nice to receive and I have received more than I feel I deserve from Igor. He’s a very thoughtful man and I appreciate every little and big thing he does for me. He considers me in everything he does. I never asked my ex for the world, all I wanted was to feel like he actually remembered I existed and valued my presence in his life.

Be angrier when necessary. Don’t feel the impulse to reconcile straight away when I haven’t expressed my feelings about a situation. I don’t want my forgiving nature to be taken for granted.
On New Year’s Day when I was all emotional and stuff I actually spoke out for myself. Of course I feared that Igor would stop liking me but I still allowed my voice to be heard. Well, actually, he wanted to hear it. He wanted me to talk to him and tell him what was up. He pushed me to speak up and I did.

I want some level of attraction to be there. Physical and sexual. I want my partner to look at me and see the most amazing girl in the world. Ever.
Oh the physical and the sexual are there. Trust me. I want him inside me like yesterday, right now and tomorrow but that’s not the point. The point is that it’s there. It hasn’t dwindled away. He sees me and I know that this man is happy to have me in his life. He sees me and I know he wants me in my entirety. He sees me and I just know he sees beauty where I see a beast. Plus he’s still going on about that dress I showed him. Apparently it’s very smiley face emoji, heart emoji, fire emoji and sexy.

Be open. I shouldn’t be afraid to speak the truth or express myself even if I feel it will hurt my partner’s feelings.
This is something I’m still learning to do. I’m just happy he gives me a safe, non-judgemental space to do so. He doesn’t blame me for feeling how I feel and he tries to be understanding when he can.

Learn how to communicate, even about the negative topics.
We communicate so well. I know it’s a struggle for both us, especially when it comes to our insecurities, but we’re trying and succeeding. The whole not getting wet issue was stressful for me and I tried my hardest to communicate how it made me feel.

Do not be my partner’s crutch. Support and help them but do not fix their problems.
He is a man who has been through a lot in his life and he doesn’t complain or make excuses. He shoulders his responsibilities and works hard to fix the problems in his life. I admire that about him. It’s nice to be dating an actual man.

Be willing to accept my faults and understand that I am not perfect and take ownership of consequences.
This shouldn’t even be there. I’m fucking perfect. But really, I only added this because my ex always said that I think I’m infallible. Which isn’t true at all. I think I’m so imperfect it’s unreal. I suffer from a massive case of blame mentality and I don’t even feel like I’m deserving of basic human affection. I do admit that I struggle with taking instruction and that is something I’m working on.

Be deep. Talk about the future. Come up with solutions to difficult problems together.
It’s too early on in our relationship for this but I know when the time is right we’ll be able to have an open and honest adult conversation. I feel comfortable enough to talk about my insecurities and he has shared things with me too so we’re doing well.

Have fun. Do random things together. Learn new things and travel places.
We go out together a lot. From city to city. We have so many things planned for the coming months. And I love it! He sees a future with me and he’s prepared to make plans with me in tow.

Give each other space to be alone.
We’ve started working on this. But he also encourages me to focus on my craft even when I want to dedicate 100% of my attention to him.

Fight fair.
This is really about not calling each other names and just expressing our concerns without attacking who the other person is. When my ex-relationship was coming to its inevitable end, my ex and I weren’t very nice to each other. I called him a ‘black hole of pessimism’ and told him all he ever did was suck the fun and joy out of everything. I still think it’s a pretty classic line.

There isn’t a perfect “one” person for someone. There’s potential to love anybody, providing they respect you and show you love.
I learnt this after I left my ex. I thought he was my “one”. He was physically and compatibly perfect for me, to a degree, but he didn’t make me happy. And that’s when I realised things like how someone looked and whether we both happened to like the same fruit were redundant. What really mattered was the respect they had for you and how they expressed their love.

Do not ever get into a long distance relationship!
I can’t do it. I did it twice and never again. If a relationship is built on a strong foundation then it can work, but introduce instability and you can just forget it.

See, he brings into this relationship everything I never had in my previous one. He’s not perfect. But he tries for me. That’s a key word: “try”. He tries and the effort he puts in is seen and acknowledged. That’s all I ever wanted my ex to do. To just try for me. That’s what it came down to in the end. But in the end it all came down.

Obviously it’s very early days with Igor and I; everything is still sweet and rose-tinted. However, things can definitely change. I’m just hoping they change for the better.

* * *

I know I paint my ex in a very bad light sometimes but he is a good guy with a good heart. Circumstance just created a lot of negative experiences for me. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t out to break my heart. If anything he loved me so much, he just didn’t know how to show it. And because of that I never felt like he did. We were two different people who loved in two different ways and when it came down to it we just weren’t right for each other.

I wish he could share his side of the story, and maybe one day he will in his own secret journal. But for all that its worth, I’d happily play the villain in his story.

Again, Igor isn’t perfect. And by no means is he my saviour or my everything. He’s a very nice guy whose little actions get dramatized by his drama queen girlfriend. When things mean a lot to me, I tend to over-embellish, but my words represent how I feel and my feelings are usually very well embellished. I feel a lot of strong feeling for Igor. Emotional and plenty sexual. And they can really fuel my words. But realistically speaking, he too is a good guy with a good heart and all I can hope for is that we can keep alive the blossoming flower that’s our relationship.

I’ve learnt a lot from my previous relationship. Mostly about myself and it’s been a beneficial experience. A lot of the bad perceptions of relationships have stuck with me but I’m trying to not mould my relationship with Igor on what has happened to me in the past. This is something that I’m privately trying to work through with myself and I hope that I can become a woman who believes she is deserving.

* * *

Do I love him? It can’t be. At least not so soon. I have a desire to be close to him. To be in his arms, for our bodies to collide, lips locked, arms entangled, breaths racing. But that can’t be love. I’d sooner say it’s lust than love. My heart feels heavy. No. It’s not love. At least not yet, but maybe later. But please not now.

I have an irrepressible desire to not have my heart broken. This is not the time.

Why am I lying like I’ve never had a guy show up for me? My very first boyfriend once made his way to my house with only long-forgotten directions to guide him. I’m sure he got ridiculously lost but he showed up at my door anyway to ask for my forgiveness.

I was 18, he was 19. We only lasted 10 months but I’m sure if we were a bit older and there wasn’t a 4000 mile distance between us (we met in Deraland before he flew back to Firstboyfland where our long distance relationship was born) we could have been something beautiful.

The next boyfriend was my ex and he will never get a name because there will come a time when I will no longer mention him in my journals. I think he damaged me. I just never expected him to show up for me because why expect something that never has and never will happen? And that’s the viewpoint I brought with me into this relationship.

But whatever.

Today I put together a ‘Dera-Craft-Day’ schedule and today was a craft day so Igor and I went to our respective homes after work and I had my space to be productive. My free days are basically Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. The remaining days I’ll be busy working on my passion. I love that we can now do our own thing and not live in each other’s pockets.

This is a relationship that I want. It’s perfect in every way.

But what was I yesterday?! I was an emotional mess. Love it! It was so dramatic in all the right ways. High five to me and my theatrics!

I always assume the worst and my automatic reaction is to conclude that I’ve done something terrible to ruin things.

But he said he wasn’t even angry at me and that he was just annoyed that I almost got him killed when I accidentally pushed him into the way of a moving taxi. But like I said, accidents happen! Life goes on!

I have major feels for him.

I still cannot compute the fact that he showed up for me. Like it feels so strange to have someone like you. I know I’m an awesome person but I’m so used to people just being my friend, including my ex-lover, that when someone actually treats you like a person deserving of affection, it just doesn’t feel like it’s for me. Or like it should be for me.

I don’t know why I never feel deserving. It’s always a recurring theme. And I want to blame my ex because he probably did fuck me up but maybe it goes deeper than that? Nah. My ex caused this. I think it’s because I did so much for him. I carried our one-sided relationship without expecting anything in return and so when someone does something nice for me, despite almost getting them killed, it feels strange because I know I haven’t done a good thing to warrant such actions.

I’m just remembering Igor standing there waiting for me. And the first thing he does is hold me even though I acted like a total child and almost got him killed. I’m actually tearing up.

And he still likes me…

With my ex, I was afraid to be upset or angry or feel any negative emotion towards anything he did because he would basically run away, close himself off from me and he definitely wouldn’t try and reconcile. So I couldn’t speak my truth. And I’d have to be the one to fix things because it would undoubtedly somehow be my fault. Anything bad happening in his life was never a result of his own actions. Something or someone else was always to blame. So I avoided expressing my negative emotions in case I somehow pushed him away and ruined everything. And that’s stuck with me.

But yesterday, I refused to go over to Igor’s place to talk things out with him. I just didn’t want to go, yet in my head I was so worried that if I carried on being adamant about it I’d push him away. I didn’t want to be that girl who gave into her man’s every command. So I said no and kept saying no and I was sure that he wouldn’t like me anymore.

But he showed up for me… And he wasn’t even upset at me. If anything he was more concerned about how I was feeling and how he could make me feel better. And my heart hurts because its so nice to have someone care for you so unconditionally. I’m crying. I’m just so touched.

You’d think that this would be a given in relationships but it just isn’t.

I can’t believe I almost made the biggest mistake of my life by agreeing to marry my ex.

Anyway, I’m crying again. 2018 is definitely the year of tears. Regardless of whether its good tears or bad, I feel like my tears won’t be falling but will be crashing around me for the next 363 days instead.

Last night/the early hours of this morning, I ended up going home alone.

Right now I don’t even think I want to talk to Igor, In fact, for the whole day I’m not talking to Igor. I don’t know what his problem is, but he needs to chill.

He literally got angry at me for no reason. I got drunk last night but I wasn’t totally wasted that I couldn’t put 1 and 2 together. Then my guy, with his voice of superiority and disapproval tells me he’s been looking after me all night that my coat fell on the floor and he picked it up and bla bla bla. Like excuse me? Looking after me?

Bitch please.

Because my coat fell on the floor does not suddenly make me the figurehead of irresponsibility. Like really? So this girl right here took her ‘you need looking after’ arse and carried herself irresponsibly home. And by that I mean I made it into my house all by myself without my knight in fucking shining armour. And I walked in a straight line while doing it.

I’m actually tired of him. If I act in any way other than how Jesus would act, I’m suddenly a child or I’m dubbed as crazy. I don’t need him telling me that who I am is crazy. He’s fucking crazy with his pedantic arse.

If he tells me to “behave” one more time like he fucking conceived me I will permanently remove him from my life. I am not here to play.

As if I didn’t have a life before him. The way he goes on like I can’t function without him. I am so fucking responsible it sucks. I will never go beyond my limits and I will never do anything I know I will regret. He needs to clamber off his high horse and not hit his head while he’s at it.

About looking after me… Did he even call or follow me to make sure I got home safely?

Yes I was drunk, and yes I was very much giddy from spending time with my boyfriend on the New Year. I was fucking happy. But I didn’t do anything out of line. I danced all night and then I sat down and that was literally it. I didn’t even dance with anyone. No one. Just me, myself and I. No random guy for him to get jealous over. No random girl for him to get jealous over. No one!

In fact he didn’t do shit all night. He just sat there wearing his coat and scarf doing nothing. I was just trying to have a good time. Making the best of whatever music the DJ had to offer.

I’m not going to let him rain on my beautiful parade. It’s a new year and a year of possibilities. I’m going to work hard and be my best self. I’m not changing for anyone. If Igor can’t tolerate my flamboyant self, then that’s his own personal problem. I have walked into 2018 and I’m not even hungover.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHEEEZZZ!!!

* * *

Ok, I lied. I feel sick as fuck.

Now I’m sitting in McDonald’s trying to appease an appetite I don’t have. What a depressing start to the year. I don’t know if I should cry or cry.

I really don’t know what I can do to make me feel better, physically and emotionally. I feel like being productive. Bang out the creativity and boss out on my craft. It’s my escape from reality and also my key to success so two birds, one stone.

So this could really be the end of Igor and I. So much for forever-person. Onto the next one! I’m actually really annoyed but also can’t be bothered to be annoyed. It’s like wasting time trying to stress over something so trivial.

Can’t even finish my McDonald’s. Just going to go back home and do some stuff…

This is why being alone is good. That way no one has any power over your emotions. I decide how I feel. And I choose to feel happy. Not.

* * *

I’m hurt and I’m crying because I’m hurt. I just feel so sad so I want to cry because crying is what sad people do, therefore I am crying.

I don’t know what I did wrong. And now we’re not talking and I don’t know why. At least I know why I’m not talking to him, but why isn’t he talking to me?

Why don’t I ever get a guy who fights for me? I’m tired of being the one rekindling shit. I get treated like the biggest criminal and half the time I don’t even know what I’ve done.

I feel sick and I feel sad. And I have no friends. Ok I have a lot of friends but no one to talk to. I only have my sad sad journal because I am a sad person. And all I can do is write about being sad.

I either need to throw up or diarrhoea. Either way something has to come out from somewhere and at this point in time, I don’t care where. I just want to feel better so at least I don’t have a body that’s feeling as sad as my emotions.

I want to go home. I should never have come back. I shouldn’t even go to work tomorrow I just want to stay at home and cry. Not eat food and cry. Do nothing and cry. Crying is my new best friend. Fuck life.

I’m going to be alone for life. That’s the only thing left for me. Aloneness. 2018 is my year of aloneness. And crying.

I’m sitting in bed like a fucking loser crying like a loser and it’s so sad. I want to run away and cut myself from the world. I think I’ll do that. I have money so I’ll run away. Buy a flight to some remote part of the world and start over as a nomad.

I’m going to cry my tears then get up and be normal.

* * *

I left home to go and sit outside the shopping mall by myself because crying in my room was suffocating. I’d rather cry out in the open so at least the wind can dry my tears.

Igor called. Basically he was angry because I almost pushed him over in my drunken state. Ok? I was drunk, I definitely wasn’t stable and accidents happen.

He asked if he was wrong to be angry. I told him he was allowed to get angry over whatever he wanted. Then apparently I got upset then went home and didn’t even say bye. Right.

I left because he was angry and I wasn’t going to be somewhere with someone that was angry at me. Then he asked why I hadn’t messaged him all day. Why hadn’t he messaged me?!

Then I started crying because my emotions always betray me. He told me to come over to his place so that we could talk. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was tired of always being in his room and outside was where I wanted to be.

I was adamant about not moving and he was adamant about not leaving his place on account of not yet showering or washing his hair. Like I was going to move for him?! If he wants to talk he knows where I am.

Anyway he’s getting ready and will be on his way shortly.

* * *

He showed up for me. And I’m emotionally unstable right now because no one has ever showed up for me and it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

When he saw me, he immediately held and kissed me. And he didn’t let me go.

All is right with the world again.

I thought I had scared him away with my dramatics but he still wants me.

I think he’s my forever-person (again).

* * *

I cried. Because what was I saying? That I’ve never had anyone fight for me? Then this gem of a man shows up and fights for me. He showed up. For me.

He looked me in my eyes and he held me. I don’t want to romanticise it but this shit was like out of a movie.

I’ve never felt deserving because when I show up for people, it’s never reciprocated. But today someone actually went above and beyond for me. It’s the first time this has happened and so my emotions got the better of me.

He was so nice and understanding. I think romance is real. I can’t even believe all those years I wasn’t actually in a romantic relationship. What was I doing? I don’t understand.

This is so new to me and even though I do dramatise everything and go a bit overboard I do really like him and it’s so strange that he likes me too. Because I feel it and I’ve never felt liked before.

How the fuck did I almost get married?!

Did I ever tell the story of how Igor completely destroyed our friend Casper’s ignorance coated racism with cherries on top?

Casper, Igor and I were all at dinner together at a restaurant. I can’t entirely remember but I think Casper was going on about how black people were druggies or drug dealers or something nonsensical like that. I just sat there feeling ridiculously uncomfortable and being super quiet. I wasn’t ready to fight with my friend especially not in a restaurant. Then Igor jumped in. Using intelligence, carefully crafted colloquialisms and a touch of overt conscientiousness he completely shut Casper down. Trust me, my boy shut that shit down! Saying it was unfair of him to lump black people into a category that involved other races, such as white people (because white people do drugs too!)

He went on and on, discrediting Casper with every word uttered out of that beautiful mouth of his and I just sat there saying absolutely nothing, because I’m not the type to get into conflicts surrounding socioeconomic issues. To be honest I should have spoken up for myself but I just didn’t want to start spewing unintelligible bullshit.

Then my boyfriend grabbed my hand under the table and held them tight because he knew. He just knew. He knew how I was feeling and he did his best to defend and comfort me in that moment. And although I felt awkward, I was grateful for him. We weren’t even official at this point but he still did that for me.

Where did this story come from? Well, I was reading a reddit post from a black girl dating a white guy. He took her home to meet his family who were just blatantly racist. Instead of defending her and her feelings, he told her she was overreacting over the offence she had taken. And then I thought about what Igor did for me and I knew that if I was ever in a situation like that, he’d support me 100%.

He’s a good guy. I need to stop doubting what we have. I’ve literally been served everything I want in a man on a golden platter. Like, what more do you want you ungrateful son of a bitch?!

Not many people of colour (POC) are fortunate to have receptive non-POC partners. I am ridiculously lucky. Why?

1. He hasn’t once fetishized me. He’s definitely aware that I’m black but he has never referred to my blackness in any way pertaining to my sexuality.
2. When I told him that something he said could be construed as racist he immediately said he would stop and he hasn’t once repeated it. Not even by accident.
3. He’s happy to be seen with me in public. In fact, the PDA might be a bit too much. He kisses me, holds my hand, puts his arms around me and other nauseating shit like that.
4. His family and friends knew about me almost immediately. Like I met his friend literally the day after we started hanging out. He told his brother about me a week after that and even made me video chat with both his brother and best friend.
5. When I was teaching him about black stuff, like hair care, he listened attentively and was very responsive to what I was explaining.
6. He’s happy to take pictures with me and have pictures of me on his phone. I know that’s silly, but some men are 50 shades of crazy.
7. I suspect he was extra cautious about touching my braids incase I got offended or maybe he was just perplexed by them. Either way he never felt the need to unnecessarily touch my hair.
8. He doesn’t ask me stupid and ignorant questions about my blackness.
9. There is longevity to our relationship.
10. Everything feels right. Nothing feels off and I think this is what mostly seals the deal for me. Like there’s literally no red flags.

And that’s why, despite his race, because his race is the least important thing to me, I’m going to marry him.

Heart palpitations. Why?!

What am I anxious about now? I actually don’t know. My heart’s just misbehaving.

I’ll write my shit out and see what comes of it. Is it Igor? Is it all the pressure I’m putting on myself to be successful?

Let’s explore the Igor arc. Am I nervous about seeing him on Saturday? Maybe? I’m probably not. I don’t know.

Ok, so pressure to be successful? Definitely not!

So why is anxiety here?!!

Igor… I think I’m just nervous to see him. Even though it’s been a week, I like him and so I’m nervous. Yup, that’s what I’m going on. Nerves.

Ok! So we were talking about investing in property and he said he’s a bit worried about getting a mortgage incase something bad happens in the future, like he loses his job, and he can’t keep up with his mortgage repayments. I said, “well, that’s why you get married”, because you know, having another stream of income to keep things afloat helps.

Then he said, jokingly (I hope), that he’s never getting married. Anyway as he was ready to backtrack I just said it was none of my business and changed the subject. The prospect of marriage isn’t a conversation that needs to be had just yet.

Ok, also, back on the topic of getting a mortgage; he said that he might move back to Igorland in five years so he’d have to sell the mortgage or whatever.

So even though all these potential scenarios are years away, what does it say for our future?

Now I feel sad.

None of these are conversations for now. But I really do see a future with him so these will be conversations for when exactly?

Anyway let’s pep talk the anxiety away! Yay…!

Right, Igor and I are very new and there are no definite plans for either of our futures. Everything is hypothetical at the moment and I have no reason to feel sad over a future that isn’t even set in stone.

People change. Plans change. And there’s nothing to say that, providing Igor is my forever-person, we won’t get married. Nor is there nothing to say that he’ll move back to Igorland and leave me here in Deraland.

Basically I have no reason to worry about the future because it’s futile and nothing will come out of it other than more worry and stress.

I’m also worried that I’ll eventually feel less for Igor or I won’t be able to maintain my emotions for him. I’m scared that my fear of losing my freedom and my strive for success will force me to choose between love and my dream. I’d probably put my ambition ahead of him. And that scares me. I just don’t see any way of balancing all of this.

Yes, so I’m probably less anxious about the future than I thought I was and it more about the fact that my feelings for him might change for the worse and I don’t want that to happen.

This probably goes back to prior relationships where the relationship was my all and it wasn’t until my heart was broken and I was alone that I was able to achieve a level of success. When in relationships, I was held back and there was no room to grow.

This is starting to look familiar. The first month with Igor was us spending all our time together, which I absolutely loved, at the expense of our own personal gains. And because I wasn’t working on my craft I wasn’t progressing and that was hard to live with.

If I was to work on my craft I’d have to sacrifice my time with Igor and I worry I’d happily sacrifice all my time and not see him… Ever.

How do I juggle everything? I want him but I also want success and I know the two aren’t mutually exclusive but the reason I wanted to stay single was so that I could work hard on my craft and be in a position that surpasses where I am now. Getting into a relationship put a massive spanner in the works and I’ve fucking stalled. Relationships are a distraction and I don’t want one!

But I want Igor. So something has got to give. I need to find a way to schedule in my hobbies while maintaining a healthy relationship with the man I’m infatuated with.

And yes, we’re fucking getting married. I don’t care.

* * *

I think I’m haunted by my past relationship. I know this is an ex-free zone but this is important because it’s still affecting me.

I keep comparing what’s happening in my relationship with Igor with what happened with my ex.

I was long distance with him for two years and it resulted in the majority of our conversations being over the phone and WhatsApp. Sometimes there was nothing to say and so the conversation was dead and that to me was the relationship falling apart. Well the relationship did fall apart. But communicating via WhatsApp and having the conversation fall short sets alarm bells ringing. Especially with Igor.

My ex’s counsellor did say that me and him shouldn’t talk everyday or there’d be nothing to talk about. That we should give ourselves space. But how the fuck do I tell Igor we need to talk less when I’ve already told him we need to see each other less. What’s next? Breakup?

I just don’t want a repeat of the past. I know Igor and I are in a good place but I can’t help but think we’ll end up like me and my ex if the same patterns keep reappearing. I really need to separate the two but it’s hard because one affected me so adversely.

I really am self sabotaging. And it’s nothing other than fear. I’m getting too far stuck in my own head and it’s not doing me any good.

Seeing familiar predicaments doesn’t automatically spell doom but I can’t help how I feel. I really just want to be but I’m not allowing myself to.

He’s not my ex. He’s nothing like my ex. They’re two completely separate entities who have nothing to do with each other. I need to focus on all the good things in our relationship. The amazing person Igor is. The way he makes me feel.

And he makes me feel, he makes me feel, he make me feel like a natural woman.

* * *

I’m just dramatic. We’re all good. I’m completely crushing on him and he’s mine!

The end.

(fucking tired of myself)

* * *

So, a year ago today, I was proposed to. I had a man get down on his knees with a beautiful diamond ring in a box and he asked me to be his wife.

I said yes.

365 days later I am no longer engaged and I’m with a completely different man. How a year can change things.

I’m not even sad. It’s just that a year ago I never expected to be here. So it’s surprising. But that’s what life is about, right? Spontaneity and surprises.

I’m all for taking life as it comes and no regrets, so here’s to another year full of surprises – I just hope they’re good ones.

I’ve finally spoken to the aunty of whom shall not be mentioned as this is an ex-free zone. She pleaded for me to reconsider taking him back. I said “ok”, which actually meant “no way on God’s good planet will I subject myself to your sadistic desire”. So that’s that.

Also, the person whom shall not be mentioned and I were both carriers of the sickle cell anemia disease. That’s a stress that helped put me in my dark place. Knowing that there was a high chance you could create unhealthy children with someone and having to potentially make a decision to abort the child or bring a very sick baby into the world. It was horrible. IVF looked like the only sane option and it would cost us a lot of money… Just to conceive a child. Something that should be natural, but not always is, and it’s so unfortunate. The idea of artificially creating a baby hurt me so bad and so my heart goes out to women who struggle to conceive naturally, the burden is real.

There are just so many reasons I can’t go back to that relationship. It was so wrong for me. So many things weren’t right. And I’m not going fool myself into thinking that I’m above any problems I have in a relationship, especially when it starts to affect me in adverse ways. All I want is to be happy.

I’m horny. Get in my vagina now boyfriend!

Also Igor’s grandfather passed away today so that’s pretty sad. I wish I was with him. I don’t even know what to say. I tried acting normal and got a bit dramatic over the fact that someone used my toothbrush. Maybe being normal for him is what I should be doing? But I don’t want to be insensitive at the same time. Hence why the opening line of this entry is Dera-centered! Trying to just be myself.

And I’m fucking horny. I want to make love to my baby boy.

I have ridiculously strong feelings for him. Even photos of him sends my heart racing and the butterflies a-flutter. As in I want to fuck him as well as love him. I want to fuck and love him. I want to fucking love him. And I’m going to love fucking him.

I need to not call it fucking but I’m horny plus it’s catchy. I can’t say I want to make love to him and love him. That’s cheesy. Let’s leave the cheese and bring in the passion. The red, hot, raw and fiery passion.

Actually I feel like I’m almost in love but I think at the moment it’s just lust.

Is it shallow to just want to sleep with your boyfriend? That’s how it should work right? I’ve just never experienced having such sexual urges for anyone before. I want to sleep with him and exclusively him. He’s the only guy who’s ever organically turned me on. I only want his hands on my body. His lips, my lips, a conjoinment of sorts (definitely made that word up). Just to have his penis in my vagina. Rocking me back and forth. Holding me. Wanting me. Loving me. I want him and I want him bad.

He’s mine.

I want him forever. His goofy face. He’s 6’4″ Igorian body. His charismatic and charming self. Everything.

He treats me like I’m a goddess. He spoils me. I’ve been cheeky and looked up the prices of the gifts he got me for my 25th and Christmas. And they were not cheap. He spends a lot of money on me and I don’t know how to respond to that because I am such a saver and don’t buy things unless I have an incessant need for them. Plus I’m just not used to a guy doing the most for me. I’m usually the one who does the most, always. But it’s nice. It feels nice.

He really likes me. I think we’ll get married. Marriage isn’t the be all or end all. It isn’t the ultimate goal. But I do see a future where we’re together for forever. Whether that involves marriage or not, it doesn’t matter. He’s my forever-person.

Can’t believe I’m back on this topic again. I just have a lot of feelings for him! I can’t stop! What do I do?

Ok this is also now a forever-person-topic-free zone. Lies!

I want to talk about him more!

* * *

Can you fall in love with someone by just staring at their picture over and over again? I look at him and I get all twisted up inside…

His eyes. His smile. His being. Just drives me crazy. Fuck me. I’m infatuated by him. I want to be one with him.

I see him in three day. Three days. I can wait. Ramp up the horny then devour him.

I’m coming for him.

* * *

I’m reading Google again and I’m worried that I’m idealising my relationship with Igor. Like maybe I’m thinking it’s more than what it actually is. Igor is a nice guy. He’s amazing. But maybe I am deluding myself into thinking he’s so perfect.

I really am trying to remain pragmatic. Trying to see things clearly. What if he’s a dick and I’m not seeing it though?

I haven’t been in many relationships so perhaps I’m projecting? I did once upon a time think I was in love with my best friend and was legit convinced I was going to marry him until I got over my delusion and realised he was never for me.

Maybe it’s the same with Igor. What if he’s not for me and I’m just being an unnecessary hopeless romantic? Even though my intuition is very strong I could be wrong.

But Igor gives me butterflies in my stomach and vagina. He’s the only guy ever that’s been able to do that. He makes me feel good about myself, like I’m important. That’s why it’s different.

He cherishes me. It feels easy. And I’m happy. There’s an emotional connection. We’re just amazing together.

No guy even comes close to Igor. No one. Everything I’m feeling is all new. And I’ve definitely had guys who I’ve spent a lot of time with. But these feelings have never existed with them.

So I’m not crazy right?!

Fuck I’m going to start overthinking! Behave Dera! Behave!

I’m an avid believer in feeling what you feel in its entirety. Be sad. Be happy. Be whatever. Just feel. And I feel a lot for Igor. I don’t want to stifle my emotions because of societal norms. I want and need to trust myself.

And I trust that my feelings for Igor are genuine and he is my forever-person, maybe? Maybe.

Ok now I don’t think he’s my forever-person. I don’t think anything anymore. In fact, do I even like him?

I’m going to stop Googling shit.

* * *

Now that I think about it, all those guys I dated back in 2016 could never cut it because I wasn’t over that person whom cannot be brought into this ex-free zone that is my journal. I never allowed myself to like them because I just wasn’t in a position to.

But being emotionally free and available changes things. I was in a place where I could give myself to Igor. So maybe because I had the capacity to love, I was willing to give it to just anybody?

Overthinking… Overthinking…

But seriously. Do I like this guy or do I like the idea of him? Google said that that’s a possibility. But if I liked the idea of him, I wouldn’t talk about him as a person like I do. He’d just be a body to warm my bed. But he’s not.

He’s special.

I don’t know anymore! How should I be feeling? I don’t know because I’m 100% not desperate for love. I was happily single before he appeared and was prepared to remain that way for a long time. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. I didn’t want one. So it can’t be that I’m projecting false feelings onto him. Can it?

Oh fuck it. I’m going to bed.